How to parent a 17 month old- too early for limitations?

[marthawashington]

What do you know if terms of parenting a 17month old? Am i supposed to be saying "no" to things like when she wants a bath not during bath time or giving her a "cookie." I have a hard time saying no because I accidentally said "cookie" and was the one who brought it up. Or... she saw me drawing a bath for myself and I forgot to hide the fact. Any advice? Or do I let her cry if distracting her from her object of affection doesn't work. Should I take a class- get a book? My instincts are failing me.

I also have to say I do let her do whatever she wants usually because she is such a nice baby and doesn't ask to do harmful things, even though it's hard to get her to sleep. What's an early bath once in a while? Is there such thing as too strict?

[maryeb]

Have you read any books? I really liked Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves by Naomi Aldort. Lots of people recommend Connection Parenting by Pam Leo. Just off the top of my head. Check out the stickies at the top of the page. We don't worry about arbitrary times for bath, eating, etc. I do make sure to nurse ds down by a certain time of the day though, based off when he woke from his nap. Same for our older son, based on when he wakes up in the am. Got to run, hope that helps a bit. Just go with the flow! Mary

[sapphire_chan]

I generally try to say yes in a way that won't be harmful. Like with the cookie, I'd give a piece of a cookie. Or with the bath I'd go ahead and let her go first since she's generally quite fast especially with water as warm as I like (it makes her sleepy so she asks to get out ).

But if it's something that just plain won't work, it just won't. So if the small piece of cookie that is a reasonable portion isn't enough, or if the bath is too deep and soapy and hot, she'll just have to be sad. I hold her if she needs holding, and give her space if she needs space, but she's her own emotional being and part of that is getting frustrated and dealing with it.

Check out "Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline" it's kind of lectur-y on what the right dialog is, but it gives great perspectives on upset toddlers.

[sapphire_chan]

Oh, and "honor the impulse" is another great one at this age. For instance, Lina loves scooping, so she'll ask to feed the cats several times a day. So I'll tell her "we'll feed the kitties later, do you want to scoop, lets got to the sand box and scoop"

Or the other day she wanted to pour water onto the bed (of all places! ) and I popped her into the tub with an assortment of cups. She gave a mad shriek when I took her cup out of her hand and headed to the bathroom, but she quickly cheered up when I started running the tap.

[blessedwithboys]

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Originally Posted by marthawashington

What do you know if terms of parenting a 17month old? Am i supposed to be saying "no" to things like when she wants a bath not during bath time or giving her a "cookie." do you live in your own place? in other words, is there any reason why you could NOT give her a bath when she asks, like you live in someones elses home and you need to make sure they get dibs on the hottest of the hot water? if thats not an issue, why not let her have a bath when its not "bath time"? I have a hard time saying no because I accidentally said "cookie" and was the one who brought it up. so make "yes cookies". find a recipe for some healthy fruit filled cookies, maybe even raw/dehydrated. toddlers are notorious bad eaters. hide some fruits and/or veggies in a "cookie" so when she asks you can say yes. Or... she saw me drawing a bath for myself and I forgot to hide the fact. how do you hide that from her? is daddy or someone else home to watch her, cuz how else would you take said bath and still keep an eye on LO? at least, you probably wouldnt enjoy it! LOL if its your me-time and she gets upset bc you are taking a bath, i dont see anything wrong with the other caretaker just taking her out of the bathroom and letting you have your bath. shes not a tiny, boob-dependent infant anymore, she can deal with a half hr or an hour away so you can bathe and recharge. Any advice? Or do I let her cry if distracting her from her object of affection doesn't work. its not your job to "fix" her feelings. distracting and redirection are good tactics with a babe that age, but your LO is responsible for her own feelings. if she needs to blow off steam via tantrum, stay nearby so she doesnt feel alone, but allow her to have her moment of expression. Should I take a class- get a book? My instincts are failing me. no theyre not, they just led you to ask for advice!

I also have to say I do let her do whatever she wants usually because she is such a nice baby and doesn't ask to do harmful things, even though it's hard to get her to sleep. What's an early bath once in a while? Is there such thing as too strict? well, if you ask my kids, YES! LOL

[Freud]

I don't think 17 months old is too young for limitations. You don't really have to say no in order to provide structure and age-appropriate limitations. However, for your examples, I agree with the other posters. Perhaps use redirection or consider whether her request is something that you can oblige in some way.

[dogretro]

Originally Posted by sapphire_chan

But if it's something that just plain won't work, it just won't. So if the small piece of cookie that is a reasonable portion isn't enough, or if the bath is too deep and soapy and hot, she'll just have to be sad. I hold her if she needs holding, and give her space if she needs space, but she's her own emotional being and part of that is getting frustrated and dealing with it.

This is a great time to pick things that are No and stick w/ them. I realized that I was letting dd do too many things that I would have rather not had her do b/c I was trying to be more peaceful and not wanting to incite a tantrum or crying. Well, she started to get a little big in the britches and really started not listening at times when it was really important. I always always always give her an explanation as to why she cannot do/have something, & I am there to support her through her negative feelings, but sometimes a No just has to be a No. DD's behaviour definitely improved v shortly after I started sticking to my answers better & she still gets lots and lots of Yeses

[marthawashington]

Thank you for your thoughtful responses. I just saw a nasty response but the moderator must have deleted it. It's sad that people would waste their time to be hateful instead of helpful on a mothering site no less. But, even though I'm navigating motherhood and having doubts and having to ask for help (not for myself but for a baby), one thing I know I will teach her is that "show me a hateful person and I'll show you an unhappy person with herself." It's a good wake up call to know how I will respond when my daughter meets a negative person- to either show pity if I can or just laugh. I just feel bad for that troll's child and hope that child can forgive his/her mother for what's not his/her fault.

[Luke's mama]

I hate to say no and see tears! I don't think DS is manipulating me, I think that is his natural response, but I am glad to see the replys. Usually I try to think if I really need to say "no" or if I can redirect, but try to save the straight out nos for things that I really can't tolerate (hitting the animals, etc.) My son tries to feed the dogs all day long too! So we have redirected to giving them little treats instead.

[BlackSheepPDX]

If you think about it, it's never too young for limits, and in fact they depend on us for them. It's just a matter of determining what limits MEAN at different ages. For an infant it might be recognizing that they're getting overstimulated by something, and removing it, or helping them to sleep even though they think otherwise at the moment. Those are limits, but positive ones. Your DD is at an age where she can express her "wants" more clearly than an infant, but those wants no longer EQUAL needs, and sometimes we don't get all out wants. In this case, I think you've gotten some really great suggestions about how these particular wants are pretty benign, and maybe they don't need limits (the bath for example), or redirect/distraction might be appropriate.

Also, I think it's important to remember that we aren't supposed to be trying to prevent crying at all costs, we're supposed to be supporting our children and meeting their needs. If we have to set a limit about something, and the child is unhappy about it, and cries, it might be that their need becomes being held and comforted and talking through the situation and the emotions they're having. Part of our job is helping them learn to understand that there ARE limits sometimes, and that they can cope with their emotions around those discoveries.

[tessie]

Originally Posted by BlackSheepPDX

Also, I think it's important to remember that we aren't supposed to be trying to prevent crying at all costs, we're supposed to be supporting our children and meeting their needs. If we have to set a limit about something, and the child is unhappy about it, and cries, it might be that their need becomes being held and comforted and talking through the situation and the emotions they're having. Part of our job is helping them learn to understand that there ARE limits sometimes, and that they can cope with their emotions around those discoveries.

I agree.

[cocobean]

I have a 17 month old DS. I'm in the process of reading The Happiest Toddler On The Block by Harvey Karp MD. I also read Happiest Baby on the Block and loved it. It's all about teaching your child respect and right and wrong by respecting and acknowleding their feelings. IMHO it has a really great theme.

[nudhistbudhist]

We have stopped a lot of the crying in our house by not using the word no. If DS wants something that I would rather not give him, I say (in a very self-assured tone) AND sign "we're all done with that. We can have some later/tomrrow/next week. Lets do XYZ now." I dont wait to see if he believes me. I move on to the next thing so he knows i mean what I'm saying. DH always hesitates, to see if ds will cry, and he always will. Its like DH is setting up the expectation that DS will disagree and get upset, and DS feels what he is expected to do, and does it! DH has the same problem with our dogs. they walk all over him!

From my experience, signing seems to engage and distract him, especially signing what I want to do now. He gets excited and signs it too. Cryin is now rare, and occurs when DS is overtired, or needs to poop

[SiobhanAoife]

OK, so, how do I set a limit for an almost 16 month old daughter who today figured out how to push back the dining room chairs, wiggle up to the seat, stand up, and crawl onto the dining room table, and then stand up and start exploring?

[claddaghmom]

Originally Posted by SiobhanAoife

OK, so, how do I set a limit for an almost 16 month old daughter who today figured out how to push back the dining room chairs, wiggle up to the seat, stand up, and crawl onto the dining room table, and then stand up and start exploring?

DD loves tables, too. We just consistently redirected her. She doesn't really do it anymore. I do let her stand on the chair though. We don't do highchairs and she doesn't like her booster anymore.

[MissE]

Originally Posted by SiobhanAoife

OK, so, how do I set a limit for an almost 16 month old daughter who today figured out how to push back the dining room chairs, wiggle up to the seat, stand up, and crawl onto the dining room table, and then stand up and start exploring?

I let DD get onto the chair and if there's something on the table that she really wants I let her go there and get it but then she has to come back down. If it looks dangerous I make her sit down and she can go from there but the table itself is strickly off limits (because DS who is three will try to get on there too and jump off it) and I will lift her off the table and tell her (nicely) that we don't climb on there. I do that until she gets tired of actually climing on there or distracted by something else (which is usually the case anyway LOL).

[nudhistbudhist]

The chairs were a big thing for ds once he turned 14 months. We turned all the chairs around (hi-back chairs) so that he can still climb them but cant climb on to the table. I've heard of other people laying the chairs down under the table when not in use. Then its a non-issue. We try to make our environment as yes friendly as possible

[marthawashington]

Sorry Rivermom for my horrific mistake... ANother thoughtful member pointed out my oversight. THank you for supporting me and defending me from the malicious user.