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[junipermoon]

I agree with everything sweetmama said. Unfortunately, document falsification and other forms of case mismanagement happen all the time.
This means that kids are taken permanently or temporarily when they should not be and that kids go home when they actually shouldn't.

Systems where the people being served often have marginalized access to resources and power often end up really much more corrupt than systems serving people with access to more resources and power. Such a heartache!

Sorry Thandiwe that you are worried the case will be resolved in a way that might hurt your foster daughter. That is so, so hard. Good luck with everything. I hope in the end you feel the right decisions are made.

Re: open adoption--I don't think the point is to "satisfy" the bio family. They might want things that you think are not appropriate or are harmful. I do think there is something huge to be said about respecting the first mama, regardless of whether or not you can have your daughter (if you do adopt) around her or not, and same for bio family in general.

[Smithie]

"Systems where the people being served often have marginalized access to resources and power often end up really much more corrupt than systems serving people with access to more resources and power. Such a heartache!"



... and I think it is very astute of you to point out that the corruption/overload/burnout causes bad outcomes in BOTH directions. Children who should go home don't, and children who shouldn't go home do. Heartache for sure, at these tragic and avoidable outcomes.

[Sweetmama26]

I guess my whole point was to say that you don't neccessarily know what all went on with the details of the child being removed. In most cases all you know is what you've heard from the worker or read on paper, so its important to never paint a picture where the bio parent is horrible or a bad parent. It can cause resentments to both the foster parents and the bio parents, and really a child has a right to know where they come from, and who they are and who their bio parents are, regardless of what that person has done in the past, they could change between now and when their child meets them again and you really don't want to do anything to hinder the bonds that have been severed, to be repaired and healed, because above all else, whether you are a foster parent, adoptive parent or bio parent, your main goal is the best interest of your child. And the Bio parent is still a parent and still has ties to that child, they still love them, have fears and want the best for them.

[tiffani]

sweetmama, I'm so sorry for what you have been through. are you in Canada? I hope you are able to develop a relationship with your boys over time.

in this case, the OP does know exactly what has been going on with the baby's mother because she was very good friends with her and took her friend's child into her care when she lost custody. but you're right, in most cases the foster parent has limited information. Once you adopt, you usually get all the information in their file, but yes, even that is subject to the social worker's interpretation.

[Sweetmama26]

Originally Posted by tiffani

sweetmama, I'm so sorry for what you have been through. are you in Canada? I hope you are able to develop a relationship with your boys over time.

in this case, the OP does know exactly what has been going on with the baby's mother because she was very good friends with her and took her friend's child into her care when she lost custody. but you're right, in most cases the foster parent has limited information. Once you adopt, you usually get all the information in their file, but yes, even that is subject to the social worker's interpretation.

I am in Canada yes. I was unaware that the OP was friends with the bio mom. In that respect I think my first post would still stand. I wish OP best of luck and your DFD is very lucky to have such an awesome mama to take care of her.

[Thandiwe]

Sweetmama, I am very sorry to hear of the situations you have gone through with the system. There are many, many emotions on all sides of the fence which arise and many people hurting. I can certainly respect your situation, and it sounds like you were interested in the best outcome for your children.

As it was mentioned, I have known baby's mom for nearly 20 years, as we grew up together so close we were almost sisters. As time passed and we got older, her lifestyle was way more wild than mine, and we drifted. I've always "tracked" her down every 6 or so months until I lose her again when she moves once more. There are many, many safety issues, and the case isn't simply a case with this child. It's complex with many more facets. However, one thing I know is that she *loves* her child. This I know from the bottom of my heart. However, it takes a different maturity to parent your child and keep them safe besides love. Sometimes parents are too "broken" to put their child first because they are so entangled in trying to find their own way. I know that is the case here, because I know the mom. I love her with every fiber in me. I *want* to see her change. I want her to be the loving, bubbly, happy-go-lucky sweet person she is under the layers of mess she has created. She grew up very abused and put herself into a very promiscuous lifestyle trying to cope. She doesn't have the tools on her own to heal her brokenness, and that forever breaks my heart. The problem comes in where she has been offered, for three consecutive years now, spanning three children, several opportunities to turn her life around. Many, many well-intentioned people have given her chances and helped her. The state, in both cases, has given additional chances and at one point even had her children placed literally in the same apt complex and said, "See them whenever you want," despite the standard visitation policies. However, she did not then, and has not now, accepted the help. She has to lay down her own faults and accept that she has made some mistakes (which she, on the record, refuses to do), in order to make any changes. She has a very thick wall built up and is refusing to admit any blame at all. She is a victim, I accept that, but that's not an excuse to victimize a child. Time and again, she makes choices that leave her child/children either harmed or in great threat of harm due to her own needs.

I do agree with Katherine about providing age-appropriate facts for the children. I have attended every hearing and kept notes along the way. I intend to collect all the facts and type them for her, whether she stays or goes. They will be put away until she's much, much older, but she has the right to know exactly what happened. Much as it's feared foster parents put a bad light on parents, I found in the first case (which I was not involved in as placement or anyone other than her friend) I heard many "good" things and never heard anything bad. It wasn't until this case that I actually got a full view of all facts last time. So indeed it can be skewed both ways. I just want to see this little girl know and decide for herself. And since I truly love her mom, I could never tell her her mom's a monster. Quite the opposite. I tell her all the time she has her mommy's feet and eyes, and her big attitude. I have a stack of pictures from our childhood and adolescence that documents our time and adventures. I'm always sharing stories, though I know she's too little.

As her foster mom, it has been a hard balance, one I didn't expect. I love her mom and it breaks my heart to think she could lose her child. But her child's needs are first and foremost, and so I have to walk a fine line of finding how to *support* mom's growth while protecting baby's needs. Mom still lies openly to me all the time, especially about visits. Things happen that aren't disclosed, and many toxic situations are still arising. Tough love comes to mind. I am her mom's biggest supporter for change, but I can't accept her not putting baby's needs first.

Sweetmama, I am very sorry you went through the situations you went through. We all have so many different experiences. It is hard being the foster parent and the parent alike. It's that much more difficult when the facts indicate change hasn't occured and the state has rested their case but the law is hesitant to react. I want what's ultimately best for baby. It would break my heart, but I could see her go if it was to someone who genuinely was trying. In fact, I have a friend of a friend who lost her children in the same county (my bf was foster mom to one of them), and fought like mad. She, like you, truly wanted what was best for her children. She asked questions about them, worried about continuing their routines, and worked hard. She did so well for herself. Was she perfect? No. But her kids went home to a good, stable, improved home. But mom accepted her mistakes and reached out to accept help. That's the key. She put her kids first. Not all parents in the system are able to. In our case, I firmly believe mom is too broken right now to put her child's needs first. That has been the case through two consecutive cases (other two tpr'd and adopted just a mere 2 mos prior to babe's birth) and now. She still has to hit the bottom, and she's just not there. We've been going for 19 mos now and so much continues. I want to see this child legally set into safety so her mom can hit rock bottom and reach out for the help she needs. I'm not going anywhere; I've tracked her behind down for all these years, I will still be here. Whatever that means, I am willing to open the lines between us if she can create a healthy life for herself down the line. I do love her mom and this baby so dearly.

It's so complex, so diverse from case to case. As was already said, many atrocities still occur from kids going home prematurely to kids being termed prematurely. Many people suffer in this system that really could use so many changes. I feel for everyone involved in the system from one side to the other. Thank you, Sweetmama, for your perspective!

[Sweetmama26]

You're welcome. I don't think anyone in here knows how much telling my story was freeing. I'm judged harshly a lot by people who don't know me and family alike. That I'm a horrible mother and person. And I'm a monster because I didn't fight hard enough if I could help just one person with my story I would be happier by far. I've suffered so much, I still cry every night for the babies I don't have but in the end I know they are probably healthier then what I could have provided for them at the time. Now I could provide a healthy home for them but that doesn't do them any good then. In the end I'm happy with the decisions that were made on both my parts and on the parts of the government. Yes I'm angry that my previous provinces workers lied and falsified things but I've learned to come to peace with it, because in the end what's important to me is stability for not only the baby I gave up willingly but my middle son as well. They deserve more then to be unstable. They deserve all the happiness in the world regardless of WHO is giving them that happiness.