*~*'~* February Dating Thread - Where is Cupid? *~*'~*

[Butterflymom]

....he ain't had me targeted for quite awhile. I'd like a Valentine. But at two weeks and counting, I don't see it happening...

What about you guys? Who will be calling you or sending you a valentine, or taking you on a romantic date on Valentine's day?

Or do we even care about this stupid hallmark holiday designed to make us single people miserable?? Ok, I do. I wish I had a valentine.

Many of you have pressured me to start a 'Sex and the City' style blog. Well I have. It won't be 100% dating related, but much of the adventures I blog about will indeed be the dramas I post about here on this thread, just with a little more context thrown in as to the rest of my life. Including motherhood of course. PM me if you want a link to the blog. In case my ex is following me on MDC, I'd rather not put the link right here in the post to avoid him finding my writings.

[MsChatsAlot]

For the first time in 9 years, I have a Valentine and I have to say, it was worth the wait!

I'm in a relationship with a man who brings out the very best in me. Sometimes, he brings out the best in me in the most fun, loving and wonderful ways...and sometimes I am challenged in deeply profound ways, and it makes me grow and become better by working through very difficult things. For both of these, I feel blessed.

I always find it funny when my single friends are wishing they were partnered and my partnered friends wish they were single...everyone thinks the grass is greener, when in actuality, it is the same. Just like there are great things and difficult things about being single...there are great things and difficult things about dating and the same can be said about being in a relationship. It has less to do with our current 'status' and more to do with the nature of life!

Whatever your status is today or on Valentine's, know that whatever you are feeling or experiencing, you would experience the same thing if your status was different. Celebrate the love that you have in your life...be that for your friends, your children, or someone special.

[mumblemama]

Looking forward to reading your blog, Butterflymom. I definitely think that's a great idea!

MsChatsAlot, glad to hear things are going so well. And you're right, I actually often find myself wishing for the opposite (single / partnered), and it's been a good last several months of focusing on my own happiness.

I don't have a Valentine. It would be nice, but I'm not holding my breath. I have a date this Friday with Cool Blast. This is the girl that began with not wanting to date me because of my kids. It should be nice to meet her finally.

[Seie]

MsChatsalot: Sounds like you are in a good place. Happy for you. I was in the same place just - well 3-4 months ago and I can honestly say I was very grateful for being with my guy. Now that I am not, I am not grateful. Your thoughts of finding happiness within are beautiful, but personally - well even if I can feel happy being the person I am and being in my own company I can honestly say that for me - being with a person I love is A LOT better. I don't think humans are meant to live alone - i think it is a basic need for us to be surrounded by other people and todays world isn't always centered around such basic needs. I dont miss being in any relationship - I miss being with a man I love, and I don't feel like a less complete or less balanced person because of that.

Butterfly: I'm sorry you don't have a valentine. I agree it is great to have one..

It seems i do have a valentine this year. Not sure it's the right one though. Not sure it isn't either.. Maybe by valentine I will know the answer? I'm just still hurting. I know I shouldn't be, I know he let me down, i know he failed me in the worst possible way, and it still hurts so much that I feel just broken inside. Why can't I feel that kind of affection for a man who actually seems to care? Not fair.

[LoveOhm]

Okay I am going to *try* to stay on top of this very busy thread this month. Butterfly I feel Valentine's Day is about celebrating the ones we love so this year Valentine or not I'm hosting a Valentine's Brunch for all those I love - couples and singles! MsChatsAlot it sounds your relationship with yourself as well as with your partner are keeping you happy and fufilled! I do personally enjoy a day dedicated to just me and my sweetie when there is a man I truly care for in my life - but that does not have to be "Valentine's Day". Seie I know you are still hurting and although this man who is your Valentine's may be Mr. Right Now he might actually be something more, if anything I hope he helps you realize that you are special and desired - kudos to you for remaining open and putting yourself at least a little out there.

I am not sure what my plans will be for Valentine's but my weekend is quickly filling with a birthday dinner on Saturday, my brunch on Sunday so IF any of the men in my world plan to ask me out they better do that sooner than later and if I don't at a min. get flowers (I'm 1/2 Hawaiian) then long term relationship potential is most likely lost. They all know I LOVE flowers it's in my upbringing...... and IF they elect to not see me that weekend I can assume they are with someone else so the least they can do is send flowers. Just my .02

[LoveOhm]

Originally Posted by mumblemama

Looking forward to reading your blog, Butterflymom. I definitely think that's a great idea!

MsChatsAlot, glad to hear things are going so well. And you're right, I actually often find myself wishing for the opposite (single / partnered), and it's been a good last several months of focusing on my own happiness.

I don't have a Valentine. It would be nice, but I'm not holding my breath. I have a date this Friday with Cool Blast. This is the girl that began with not wanting to date me because of my kids. It should be nice to meet her finally.

Mumblemama I completely missed your post when responded yesterday! Cool Blast has been intrigued with her interest in you after she initially "ran for the hills" I met a man with full custody of his son when I was not ready to be a mom and it was really intimidating because I felt I could not meet a need in his life - so I ran but honestly it was not because I did not like him. (We have since reconnected so it is possible). I hope it goes good with her and honestly I just want you to know it is somewhat normal for some one to react a little spooked if they themselves don't have kids and have never dated someone with kids ~ it's new territory so don't hold it against her. She seems to be warming up since you two are finally meeting!

[Seie]

Mumblemama: I hope it goes really well with Cool Blast

Loveohm: Someone definately should bring you flowers - you deserve it

Butterfly: It really does sound like you have taken a small step back from the dating. Im sure it will be good in the end. Who knows - maybe your new business will bring you in contact with Mr. Right I mean - someone you would have never met online or in a bar! But - don't forget to keep us updated about your upcoming date!

Here Manager is coming here friday. He is taking a day off work to meet me We will be having breakfast and hang out all day. Not sure what to do in the afternoon. I am going to pick up my kids at school and daycare. Plan one is to send him to the mall to catch dinner and a movie, and he can come back after the kids are sleeping. Plan B is - well to just introduce him as a casual friend who is staying for dinner. Im really not sure what is the better plan. I don't much like sending him away as my oldest wont be in bed till 21.30 at the earliest - and I would probably tell him I was expecting a visitor anyway. But on the other hand - I am not sure this is a long term thing yet (im pretty sure it could be though) and even if we do it casually I think it is very early to have him meet my kids. But then again I am an adult - I can have a visitor right. It shouldt really be that big a deal. I don't know - just don't know. He is open to both suggestions and is leaving the decision to me.
He caught me on chat from work today - between meetings - and told me he already has a plan for us to meet up the next weekend too. Sweet right He does seem like a really amazing guy to be honest. I am at the least very flattered by his obvious interest and persistence in keeping in touch daily. And so far not at all in a needy way - he just lets me know regularly that he thinks of me - at work too and even admitted he got really distracted during a meeting at work where one of the attending women had my name (a pretty rare name around here) So well - it seems for now we are some kind of a couple. Exclusive too. I wouldnt even consider asking.
Whereever this is going to end then it does feel good to have someone calling me, texting me, complimenting me, writing me and planning dates for us (something LL never did - it was always me) so will try not to think too much and just enjoy. I deserve that - dont I?

[Holland73]

Personally, I am not a big Valentine's Day (or any holiday, for that matter) person. I agree with LoveOhm, though... it should be about celebrating and appreciating ALL of your loved ones. Oh, and btw: I ALWAYS send my favorite flowers (tulips) to myself for V-Day, regardless of if I am with someone or not!

MCA: You already know who happy I am for you!!

Seie: Seriously, just take it one day at a time and try not to think too much. And... YES, you do deserve that!

Mumblemama: Looking forward to hearing about Friday night!!!!


Well, Mr. Single Dad and I are still spending time together. Friday night's burgers n' bowling date was a lot of fun!!! Lots of laughing and smiling. It was just a really nice evening. Plus, I got to check out his house and get a bit more insight into him, which was good.

Since Friday, things have kind of mellowed out a bit. He has been super busy at work and I have been a bit hormonally-induced insecure and wonky (or lack of a better word). But... as of today, I am finally starting to balance back out again. Hallelujah!!!

I had a great conversation with a gf last night. She pushed me to verbalize some of my concerns/hesitations with Mr. Single Dad, in addition to re-focusing me on what I am looking for and wanting... how does that feel, what does that look like, etc. It was incredibly helpful and reminded me the importance of being honest with myself (not getting caught up in the early swirling of emotions) and to take the time to REALLY get to know him with an objective mind.

Yes, I do have some little concerns in the back of my mind with Mr. Single Dad, in regards to if he is the "right" guy for me. But, I barely know him and that is what these beginning stages are about... getting to know each other. Right????

He is coming over tonight and then I probably won't see him again until next week, as he has his dd from Thursday pm to Wednesday am. But, that is a good thing... time and space allows objectivity.

I keep reminding myself of MCA's comment:

Dating, love, relationships...it's all about the journey. The "destination" is merely the culmination of all the moments along the way.

So... we'll see where this journey takes me!

[Zeta]

Seie, I am happy for the developments with the manager. Sounds like it's unfolding, it's new territory for you, and you're taking it step by step.

Holland, I'm intrigued by single dad! Sounds like a neat prospect, hope it continues to go well for you both.

mumblemama, have fun with cool blast!

MCA: Yay! Sounds like some fabulous energy there.

Butterfly, hang in there! Your group of friends can be your valentines.

LoveOhm, I wholeheartedly (as it were!) agree that Valentines day is a celebration of love in all its forms.

I posted a while back about taking a hiatus with bf. We had been engaged in the summer, then had a really rocky few months, and at thanksgiving I took a big step back. I had some specific concerns that I realized would really be deal killers for me. I don't think that expecting another person to change is a good way to to, so I was basically feeling open to the relationship ending if need be.

Well, in the last two months he has totally knocked my socks off. Gradually I started re-entering the relationship, and feeling my way through the evident, concrete, observable changes before me. I have to say that my concerns are much smaller now and no longer worrisome. They had been larger than the relationship, and now the relationship is much larger/stronger than the problems, and we are a team in dealing with the various challenges that face us. I am so impressed with his dedication to the relationship and his courage with personal growth. I love this man so much, and I feel so much closer to him now, so grounded with him. So honored by the many ways he has gone to bat for the relationship.

so the wedding is back on, and planned for April.

[mumblemama]

Seie, I like the way things are going w/ the Manager for you. He seems nice, and whether it lasts or not, it sounds like a good thing. I don't know about him meeting your kids, either. I'm still on the fence about the casual meeting thing. I think I'd be MUCH more okay with it if I actually had more friends that my kids casually met, so it wasn't awkward, ya know?

LoveOhm, you sound busy and in good spirits! You totally deserve flowers. As for Cool Blast, I agree. I actually quite glad she was honest and open about it. We've talked about the kids thing quite a bit, and I definitely don't think she's completely against it, otherwise why would she be meeting me and chatting me up constantly?

Holland73, Yes! It's still early and it sounds like you two are generally having a great time. I AM curious what these "little concerns" are, though...

Zeta, I don't know that I've kept up with you but congratulations!!

I suddenly have all sorts of dating prospects on my plate and am talking to too many people. But it should be an interesting weekend...

[Holland73]

So, he just ended it. It was ALL about his feelings of guilt about his dd. He felt bad that -- if we would ever move in together (he was doing some serious future tripping) -- he would be spending 100% of his time with my ds (as I don't have any shared custody -- I am a solo mama), but not with his dd. He was worried about how such a situation would harm her. How would she feel that ds would be going on special outings/vacations/etc and having her daddy all the time, when she didn't? It's a legitimate concern/feeling, I don't fault him for such.

So...

Me: "You have do what you think is best for you and your family. If you don't want to continue down this road then let's just let it go."

Him: "I can't do it to her."

Me:"I wish you all the best and I hope you find exactly what you are looking for. Goodbye."

It sucks, as I did enjoy being with him and the connection we had together. But, as I said earlier, there were other little concerns with him that I was also thinking through myself. So perhaps, it was meant to be... maybe he just beat me to the punch.

Another one bites the dust!!!

[mumblemama]

Wow, Holland.. I am sorry. It sounded like it was going so well, though I was curious about the concerns you had. You're probably right, it was meant to be. I hope you're holding up well about it.

As for his reason... I can see how I would feel awkward about that, as well. Hmm. I don't know.

[BelovedK]

Just popping my head in to say hello

I have to say that I am so for MCA Ihope things continue to work out!

Holland, I'm so sorry

Butterfly I'll be your valentine

Seie I have missed alot in your updates. I hope it all works out

Zeta a big congrats

and a big Hello to anyone I missed


Things are still good with hubby and I except there has been a bit of tension developing around money, the kids and the house. We have a few things to work out but I am sure we will. I had a day the other day, it is too complicated to explain quickly. The grass is definitely not always greener, there were great benefits to being single, and also great benefits to being married. I like what MCA said about it being the same, I am the same person and am trying to remain steady (even though it is sometimes hard)

[MsChatsAlot]

Congrats Zeta! An April wedding sounds divine. Sometimes we need a little space to really know what we want. I wish you much peace & love.

Enjoy all your prospects, mumblemama. That part of dating is so much fun!

Sorry to hear about that Holland. My first thought was that if he's bailing about something that may or may not happen in the future, he's definitely not the right one for you. Still, it sucks.

Nice to see you Beloved! Thanks for the excitement. I know you & your dh will learn a lot and be stronger after you work through these little road bumps!

[Holland73]

Originally Posted by MsChatsAlot

Sorry to hear about that Holland. My first thought was that if he's bailing about something that may or may not happen in the future, he's definitely not the right one for you. Still, it sucks.

I know and that was exactly what I was thinking. We both appeared to have very different life views and perspectives. I live my life without regrets, in the moment and I follow my dreams. I was starting to see that he didn't. He talked about how badly he wanted to travel, yet always had an excuse for why he didn't, even though he had some amazing opportunities offered to him. Me... I do it. I make it happen!

Additionally, there were just moments where I felt like he was not emotionally available or ready for what I was wanting from a relationship. There was never anything specific, just a feeling... a feeling I vividly recall with my x-bf, who was VERY emotionally unavailable and detached.

Oh, and he lived in big-time suburbia!!! When I went to his house last weekend, I just felt so ackward and "gak" about the serious suburbia vibe.

[Butterflymom]

§

Valid reason to break up with you. I would have refrained from dating you in the first place, though, to save your feelings. I refrain from men with children precisely because of this type of messiness.

But dating is always a gamble with your feelings. No foolproof method to avoid disappointment and worse.

[Seie]

Holland: I am so sorry. Still hard when you have invested yourself in something. I am sure you will get through though - you are always so positive.

Beloved: Its great to see you check in here I don't blame you for not being able to follow my story.. My big big love - the guy I started seeing around a year ago just when things were really going well with you and your DH and you were planning marriage - all that stuff - broke up with me end of november. So been really heartbroken. Finally starting to resurface and started chatting with a guy around a month ago. Met two weeks ago and things are moving a bit fast. Really great and wonderful single dad of two boys and in many ways very promising..


That brings me to the update from our third meeting - yesterday. He took the day off work and came in the morning, stayed all day, left when I fetched the kids and came back when the two youngest were sleeping. So he met the oldest and that went well. Very soon but - well my son knew I was having a visitor and thought it was weird he couldnt meet him so.. He asked if Manager would spend the night and I hesitantly agreed that he could sleep in the guest bed as most of my visitors do since they come from several hours drive away.
Next morning he met the two youngest too in a very casual way. I introduced him as a friend and they - well they fell in love with him right away so.. He did great with them - I was kind of hoping he would keep a bit more distance but I don't think that is even in his nature. He just plunges himself into life - something I actually like about him so.. hmm Well he seemed to really enjoy their company - and they enjoyed his. He left right after breakfast so the meeting with the kids was just brief..
But overall I feel like - this guy is like pulled from a romance novel or something - he is mature, open, warm, caring, intelligent, cool job, great with kids, pursuing me in a textbook green flag way, good looking, charming, fun.. what is there not to like? Not to love? I honestly can't tell you. I am kind of guessing if I met this guy before LL I would have probably been way consumed by now. Instead I am taking one step at the time.. I really honestly believe this guy would be worth an investment even if I am not exactly head over heels by now..
What do you think? Do you expect instant passion or do you primarily look at potential? Reason or passion? Or affection? Or trust? What is more importent? I am still really confused and kind of feeling like I am acting like the emotionally distant person here.. Not sure I like that thought..

[Holland73]

Originally Posted by Butterflymom

Valid reason to break up with you. I would have refrained from dating you in the first place, though, to save your feelings. I refrain from men with children precisely because of this type of messiness.

But dating is always a gamble with your feelings. No foolproof method to avoid disappointment and worse.

Wow... thanks for that!

[Holland73]

Originally Posted by Seie

Holland: I am so sorry. Still hard when you have invested yourself in something. I am sure you will get through though - you are always so positive.

Thanks, Seie and everyone else who offered sweetness, support and kind words.

Just ftr: I don't really have anything to get through. I didn't know him well enough to have invested serious feelings into him. I was enjoying the journey and the time spent together... but, it was still too soon to know anything. We were just getting to know each other, to see if we were right for each other.

Yes, it sucks, but that is just one of the many aspects of dating.

Again... I do sincerely appreciate the kindness and concern.

[Seie]

Originally Posted by Holland73

Thanks, Seie and everyone else who offered sweetness, support and kind words.

Just ftr: I don't really have anything to get through. I didn't know him well enough to have invested serious feelings into him. I was enjoying the journey and the time spent together... but, it was still too soon to know anything. We were just getting to know each other, to see if we were right for each other.

Yes, it sucks, but that is just one of the many aspects of dating.

Again... I do sincerely appreciate the kindness and concern.

Holland: I take from the above post that you didn't feel that emotionally attached? I wonder about that. Is it your "plan" to meet a man, look at his overall compatability with you and then expect the love to come along the way? Cause that is really backwards to how I was envisioning going about the whole thing after LL broke up. I mean - with him I just knew already at the second date, that I wanted him - and not just for a casual relationship but "for good". But it sounds like you expect that feeling to come on its own if the guy is a good guy who matches your predefined needs/wants?

Anyone else with insight or thoughts about how to approach the emotional aspect of dating - I am interested to hear them..