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*~*'~* February Dating Thread - Where is Cupid? *~*'~* - Page 2

post #21 of 101
I am not sure how to fall in love with someone I don't truly know, actually I take that back. My past pathology has been to fall in love with men very quickly, if not after the 1st-2nd date kind of thing. Guess what I am realizing though... NONE of them have worked out.

Upon my own reflection of my relationship history and behaviors, I am finding it is because I never TRULY knew them. It takes time and effort to really know someone. So, how could I say I loved them -- fully -- when I didn't put in the time or effort to truly get to know them. I realized I was in love with an "idea" of them... an idea that was more about me and what I wanted, then who they really were. Does that make sense?

I don't know about your comment of predetermine wants/needs... we all have wants/needs we would like in a partner. Mine aren't entirely so black and white, but they are potential indicators for me to make sure I am true to myself and what I want in my life.

btw: I am not sure what your definition of a "casual relationship" is??? Mr. Single Dad and I both made a conscious decision to not date anyone else and to just taking our time getting to know each other. We needed to see if we would be a good "match." There were no guarantees it would last forever. Oh heck, there are no guarantees that ANY relationship -- casual, serious or marital -- will last forever.
post #22 of 101
Holland 73 I am glad you don't feel like you have anything to get through. Sounds like you have developed some skills / insight in terms of not getting too attached before you really know someone.

I personally would not see his stated reason for breaking up with you as mature. Because his dd might be jealous? I don't see why she can't have her feelings (whatever they are, maybe not jealousy) and he can still have the right to find and, if it works out, make a life with a single mom who has full custody - so long as he always saves a special place in the new family for her?

I think guilt should not be a decision-making driving force. Besides, there's every reason to believe that if a single dad were to move in with you and your ds, that this scenario would provide an added *richness* to the single dad's own children's life; the special home life you all would create together, the special personalities that you and your ds have. It would probably be a mixed bag, some loss of the 1:1, but new goodness as well. It's not all deficit if a single dad moves in with a single mom who has full custody.

Life's an adventure! And children should be allowed to have their feelings (happy/ sad/ jealous) without the fear of those feelings ruling the parents' life.

Just my 2-cents.
post #23 of 101
Holland:
I think I agree with Zeta about the reason for not wanting to proceed with you, but I also think that if that is a valid reason to him, it is better you two go your seperate ways now rather than later.
In my first letter to Manager I asked him what he thought of us having 5 kids all together. He responded that he wasn't all romantic about it, but that if we are right for eachother we will be right for the 5 kids too. I loved that reply and I think nomatter who I end up with I need it to be someone with that view on life.. You of course deserve someone who can see you and your DD as a wonderful addition to his own life - not a problem.

I am not quite sure what you refer to when you say I mentioned a casual relationship? With Manager it definately is not casual at this point. I am certain he is not seing anyone else and know for a fact that even after meeting me once he put his dating profile on standby. I wonder if I could have ment casual in the way that we still both understand and try to remember that we don't know where this is going and that we are still just getting to know eachother. Or did I mention casual in relation to your relationship?
Your words about being in love with a dream ring true. I know that LL didn't turn out to be the person I had envisioned and imagined. I actually think he could have been that person - but he chose not to.
So now I am trying the more conscious and reasonable approach. I do feel the Manager relationship-think could definately have potential if I manage to let go of the stuff I am carrying so working on that and allowing things to develop.

Will be seeing him again next friday - a whole night without kids - so looking forward to that
post #24 of 101
Holland, I find you wise. I just wish I could think that way more often.

I think I've also often fell in love with ideas. Heck, I've brought it to some pretty nutty extremes in the past with knowing a few people onlines for years and years.

Seie, the Manager sounds good. I do get concerns of things moving so fast when you are still getting over LL. Does he know about LL?

My date with Cool Blast was a flop. There wasn't much of any chemistry. She's a sweet gal, and we had a nice dinner (best pasta I've ever had? wow!), played some Rock Band and watched a movie, but I don't see it going anywhere. Oh well!
post #25 of 101
Quote:
Originally Posted by Seie View Post
Your words about being in love with a dream ring true. I know that LL didn't turn out to be the person I had envisioned and imagined. I actually think he could have been that person - but he chose not to.
I think I have been able in the past to see someone's *potential* so vividly I could fall in love with the potential. But you can't have a relationship with Potential. I'm trying to see people's limitations more clearly and go from there.
post #26 of 101
Quote:
Originally Posted by Zeta View Post

I personally would not see his stated reason for breaking up with you as mature. Because his dd might be jealous? I don't see why she can't have her feelings (whatever they are, maybe not jealousy) and he can still have the right to find and, if it works out, make a life with a single mom who has full custody - so long as he always saves a special place in the new family for her?

I think guilt should not be a decision-making driving force. Besides, there's every reason to believe that if a single dad were to move in with you and your ds, that this scenario would provide an added *richness* to the single dad's own children's life; the special home life you all would create together, the special personalities that you and your ds have. It would probably be a mixed bag, some loss of the 1:1, but new goodness as well. It's not all deficit if a single dad moves in with a single mom who has full custody.

Life's an adventure! And children should be allowed to have their feelings (happy/ sad/ jealous) without the fear of those feelings ruling the parents' life.

Just my 2-cents.
Zeta... were you in my head last night during that conversation with him??? Honestly, that was EXACTLY what I was thinking, particularly the bolded parts.
post #27 of 101
Quote:
Originally Posted by Zeta View Post
I personally would not see his stated reason for breaking up with you as mature. Because his dd might be jealous?

Really? I see a certain maturity. Holland, do I remember correctly that he wasn't that long out of a relationship??

He recognized what he was thinking, made the decision that it was currently valid to him and ended things honestly.

Many single moms, Holland in the past as well, don't want to date men with children. I know that I don't really want to. It really doesn't appeal to me--I don't want more kids. It seems complicated--and yes, some of that is the jealousy and reactions of your own children or the step-children. I know my limits of what I can handle right now and that isn't a part of it.

I've had to work my ass off for my own, and my children's mental health. A relationship that brings other children into the mix isn't worth it to me. (Things could certainly change, but that's what I feel right now)

I don't think that is my guilt or fear driving me--it's about what I want and what I feel is best for my children right now. I'm happy.

The flip side is that I have to accept when men don't want the complications of having a relationship with me because of my kids. I'm cool with that. I can't condemn them for being short-sighted--I have to respect that they have their reasons that are valid to them.

I can see where the future orientation and the "what if" factor can be off-putting but at the same time I respect him for making decisions based on his needs. Maybe it was fear or guilt driven, but maybe he realized his own needs and the needs of his daughter and decided that was his priority. If he wasn't ready for a serious relationship, then he was wise to get out before getting in deeper.

People date for different reasons. Sometimes people start out wanting to casually date but then meet someone wonderful, all those love chemicals start churning around, chemistry, etc and they find themselves in deeper than planned.

I guess what I am saying is that bailing on something that may or may not happen in the future can actually be wisdom imo.

That said, I'm sorry it didn't work out Holland. As MCS mentioned, it's about the journey. But you know that.
post #28 of 101
Yes, he was recently out of a relationship and it was also one of my little concerns I was conscious of.

Let me be VERY clear... I absolutely DO NOT fault him for his decision.

As I said in my earlier post, his feelings are legitimate and valid... for him. In fact, I truly appreciate his honesty and ability to be true to himself and his limitations AND I have no problem, at all, in respecting and understanding his decision. He did what he felt was right for him and his dd, based on his life views/perspective, and that I can respect.

Btw: I still will not purposely seek out a single dad.

Mr. Single Dad pursued me. I liked what he wrote, we had a lot in common and he was attractive, so I thought, "hmm, perhaps I should be a little open-minded and try this out." It was a fun experience, he was a great guy, we got along great and there were some great benefits to dating another single parent. Ultimately, if I were to do it again... I don't know. But, never say never.
post #29 of 101
Oh the Irony- I don't mean to sound judgmental about people who don't want to date someone with kids. There's nothing immature about that choice. I have considered it myself!

I guess I was reacting to what I interpreted as his sort of blaming the break up on his loyalty to his kid. Like he's "too good of a dad" to date H. If he was saying this was a situation he personally did not feel like getting into, for his own reasons (including maybe that *he* just not want to deal with her possible jealousy)- that would seem honest and mature. But I got this kind of cop-out vibe from H's description. Like he was doing it FOR his daughter, like there was something inherently disloyal about getting involved with a mom with custody. I don't know, smacks of the "self-less guy" routine.
post #30 of 101
Gotcha. The self-less guy routine... I know it well.
post #31 of 101
Quote:
Originally Posted by Zeta View Post

I guess I was reacting to what I interpreted as his sort of blaming the break up on his loyalty to his kid.
You interpreted correctly.

He kept saying last night, "I really like you. We get along so great and I am really enjoying our time together. I can totally imagine a future with you. But, I just can't do it to my dd... it's not fair to her. I don't want to make her feel that way."

C'est la vie!
post #32 of 101
Holland, I'm sorry. It does raise so many interesting questions about the nature of single parenting, dating, and re-partnering. For me, I'd always thought I'd only want to date men *with* kids, since I have 4 kids, all the time, and really need someone who understands what that is about, and enjoys being around kids and around a woman who is functioning in "mom" mode, most of the time.

But here I am, dating a child-less guy.

I wonder if your single dad has thought things through to the point where he ends up living with/married to a woman who wants to have a baby. Will he feel that that is unfair to his dd, or will he feel that that is different, since it is "his" kid? I understand that what he thinks isn't really relevant anymore, I'm just exploring this line of reasoning a bit. And I don't think that his reasoning is without merit -- when I was 12, my dad remarried to a woman who was a solo mom of a 15 yr old girl and I *did* think it was unfair that she got my dad 24/7 and I got him EOW -- he taught her to drive, but not me, for instance. I don't harbor anger or resentment about that now, but at the time I sure did.

Zeta, glad to hear things are going well! Congrats on the wedding plans!

Mumble, I'm sorry there was no chemistry, but perhaps it is just as well, with all the kid-complications in the air!

Seie, I think things sound great. I do wonder, as well, if you have told him anything about LL, particularly about how recent and heartbreaking the break up was/is. Having been on the other side of that particular dynamic, and not having known, I would encourage you to let him know -- you dont' have to tell him the whole story, but imo, at this point, he should know that you had your heart broken, in the very near past, and are surprised to find yourself interested in someone else so soon, and are not sure how your heart will fare going forward, but that you really enjoy his company, like him a lot, blah blah. I think that is the best anyone can hope for anyway.

Things are good for me with ATG. I had my whole big angsty thing, and he really rode it out well -- he didn't freak out that I was freaking out, but he also didn't rush to promise me anything he wasn't ready to...I had to laugh at myself when I realized that I've gotten exactly what I wanted. I've been complaining for at least a year now that no-one wants to *date* anymore -- they all seem to either want a one night stand (or a stand-by booty call) or they want to move in together almost right way, and I just want to *date* someone -- see them 2-3 times a week, but keep living our own lives...well, that's what I've got with ATG, and that's where he wants to be, at least for now, and you know, once I got my head back on straight, I'm pretty darn happy with that. Maybe it will grow towards something more, and maybe it won't, but for now, it's good.
post #33 of 101
Sugarmoon: I have told Manager about LL and he does know I had my heart broken in a bad way. I told him about how LL just disappeared after having let us believe that it was a relationship with lifetime potential. The only thing I haven't been shouting from the roof tops is the actual date that he broke up. So Manager doesnt exactly know that it has only been - well two months. But he hasn't asked either. I am not sure exactly how honest I should be - I don't want him to run for the hills either. I know he is not really interested in the past as long as he feels I am interested in a future. I have been honest about thinking we were going a bit fast and telling him I would really like to take things a bit slow. But I am not sure exactly what sure means and he has basically responded that he was ok with me freaking a bit but that he didn't want to have to hold back on his own feelings. In the beginning when he kept sending me sweet texts and emails from work - stuff like that - I told him I felt a bit intimidated. He said he understood, but that he didn't want to have to play some sort of game and hide his feelings. I understand and thought that was a mature and reasonable response and since then I have let him pursue me and am even enjoying it actually
So - no he doesn't know exactly when LL dumped me but he does know it broke my heart. Also yesterday when he was here the kids kept calling him LL.. now that was embarressing but it didn't freak him out so.. well for now I am doing what I have been doing until now. One step at the time. I dont intend to keep anything from him, but I am also not shouting the details from the rooftops. I doubt he even really wants to know kwim?
post #34 of 101
sugar moon ~ you are very fortunate, that is exactly what I want. I would love to meet someone ( eventually) who I see a couple times of week, or more or less depending. I have been single for 3 years now, and I just can't even wrap my head around someone all of a sudden being there all the time. All of my previous relationships went that way, and I don't want to do that again.
post #35 of 101
Quote:
Originally Posted by sugarmoon View Post
[

Things are good for me with ATG. I had my whole big angsty thing, and he really rode it out well -- he didn't freak out that I was freaking out, but he also didn't rush to promise me anything he wasn't ready to...I had to laugh at myself when I realized that I've gotten exactly what I wanted. I've been complaining for at least a year now that no-one wants to *date* anymore -- they all seem to either want a one night stand (or a stand-by booty call) or they want to move in together almost right way, and I just want to *date* someone -- see them 2-3 times a week, but keep living our own lives...well, that's what I've got with ATG, and that's where he wants to be, at least for now, and you know, once I got my head back on straight, I'm pretty darn happy with that. Maybe it will grow towards something more, and maybe it won't, but for now, it's good.
That sounds perfect. I want one! Glad things have worked out so well.

I'm tired of internet dating for now. I'm sure I'll try it again but it seems harder to know the "real" person. When you meet someone with romance in mind it changes how you interact right from the get go. I think I'd rather meet someone and have some interactions before going on a date. Being self-employed and working from home don't really lend themselves to that though... We'll see.
post #36 of 101
Quote:
Originally Posted by Oh the Irony View Post

I'm tired of internet dating for now. I'm sure I'll try it again but it seems harder to know the "real" person. When you meet someone with romance in mind it changes how you interact right from the get go. I think I'd rather meet someone and have some interactions before going on a date. Being self-employed and working from home don't really lend themselves to that though... We'll see.
I can relate to a lot of what you have written.

I am not tired of internet dating, I just want something new... something different. I'd also love to just meet someone in person, have a few interactions and watch it grow from there. It just seems like such a foreign concept nowadays, ykwim?

My job, as a teacher, has me surrounded by children and parents all day. Majority of the people I work/interact with are either lesbian, in their 20s (all early martyrs and optimists of urban ed ) or married.

I do go out from time to time, but not enough to warrant such a meeting with someone. I am getting ready to go back to grad school full-time in April, but I'm not sure I would want to date another student. Additionally, the program is a predominantly female.

I did just get an invitation for a speed dating event in San Fran in 2 weeks. That could be a fun and crazy way to meet someone.

I don't know. I guess I figure as long as I am open to it and keep myself available and out there... it will happen when it happens. Right???
post #37 of 101
Seie, I think you're good then. He's got the basic lay of the land -- I don't think you have to be super specific about the timing -- he knows it was your most recent relationship, and he knows it was abrupt and unexpected.

I am so for you. He sounds so....real. Like a real adult, who communicates and stuff. How cool is that?

I had a nice night with ATG -- lately on Sat. nights I've been able to go out, meet up with him when he gets off work and spend the night at his place, but last night I was home with my kids. We were texting back and forth, and I asked him to come to my place after work, but I thought it was unlikely that he would (remember all the sleeping issues he has at my house). But then, he did!

It was cute. My 2 yr old had woken up at around 1 am, and I had fallen asleep in his bed getting him back to sleep, and ATG snuck into my house, got ready for bed, waited for me in my room, and finally came to get me from my son's room! I can't believe I slept through him coming in, honestly, but it was a great surprise.

And we didn't have any sleep issues! My 2 yr old woke again around 4, and I brought him into my bed, but just kept myself in between him and ATG, and we all slept well -- the kids got up at 6:30 and we all came down to watch a movie. I brought them to meet their dad and ATG slept in (he works really late on Saturday nights) until I got back and woke him up with (ahem) coffee.



It was nice to hang out at my place with him --we have mostly spend our kid-free time on Sundays at his place, which is nice, but I have been needing to get things done at home -- I got laundry folded while we talked, we worked together to bring in some firewood and stack the little delivery of late firewood my xh had dropped off earlier in the week....I made us breakfast, we worked on his online scrabble game...

Just low-key. Was really nice. And then around 2 he left to go home and shower before heading to a superbowl party, and I have just sat down after spending the rest of the afternoon cleaning!

I'm feeling really happy and mellow about the whole thing, which is so nice, esp after all my angst!

post #38 of 101
Thanks ladies for being so understanding about my desire for flowers.... I felt somewhat diva like writing my thought down but flowers are such a HUGE items to me. They represent my culture, life, happiness, love.... and I would expect a man I am dating to acknowledge such a huge part of me on Valentine's as well as just thru out our time dating! Holland I like your ritual of sending yourself flowers! I actually keep fresh flowers in my house weekly!

Seie I am happy to see things with the manager are going well! It sounds like things are progressing quickly (honestly too quickly if it were me) and I'm glad things went well with your children meeting him. You deserve every bit of happiness so do enjoy the journey.

Mumblemama sorry the chemistry was off perhaps it's better to knwo that now than down the line.... who are your other prospects?

Zeta HUGE Congratulations and are in order! Sometimes taking a step back allows the space mentally, emotionally, etc. to be able and willing to move things forward with confidence.

btw - I really appreciate your activity in this thread, it is a breath of fresh air each time someone joins in not hesitant to express their opinions honestly and respectfully. Please continue to chime in we need more ladies in relationships on this thread not just those of us on the dating marry go round.

Beloved I think money and practical challenges are part of all relationships especially now in a down economy - I would suggest paying extra special attention to continue taking care of your relationship 1st so that there remains a strong foundation when the speed bumps come. I think we can forget that sometimes.

Butterfly your tone seems like you are in a pretty dark place... is everything okay? I am really excited about your blog and equally excited about you going into event planning.

Holland I am glad single dad ended things when he did. While I think his reasoning was not truly honest and that I personally translated his reasoning from "my dd would feel bad" to "I fear I would feel like a bad father to my dd" ---- but still no less a valid reason for him. And all I could think of was reason #101 for not seeking out a single dad to date....... still I do think it was a overall mature split so for that I respect him and the situation. I think you are being very wise to realize how quickly you have fallen in the past and that you are making an active effort to not continue that patter going forward before you know someone. I do wish you great happiness and romance(s) ahead.

Sugarmoon I am glad ATG is still all the man you wanted! He does seem to bring you to your limits in positive ways and is great with the kids which I would imagine could be overwealming to a childless man so while I avoid men with children I understand why in the past you sought them out. Your relationship with ATG is a prime example of us as individuals not being able to control everything and that sometimes when we let the universe unfold naturally great things can come. The Artist and I was in a similar path as you and ATG, but I will touch on that later.
post #39 of 101
My dating update.....

2ndHusband is out of rehab but has not matured at all, he views his time in rehab as a means to avoid legal drama nothing more (at least nothing he is willing to let be known on the outside.... ) I do think some items sank in but not enough by far. So we are back to friends which is easy since we have been friends since childhood. We do talk politics but our politically conversations are smooth since we both truly love eachother even though we are not meant to be.

This month I also dated The Comedian who is really great conversation wise, looks wise he is a little smaller than I typically go for (both height and weight) we went out once, set up to see each other again but then he got all depressed about his "place in the comedy world" and went MIA for 4 days after we have been chatting every evening for almost two weeks.. when he reappeared he excuse of being depressed just did not really appeal to me. And I dated The Singer a couple times this month but he is a singer so no expectations of a relationship there just a fun couple of dinner/lunches he did however spark a desire for me to explore myself in ways I have not in the past so in private I am sure I will be asking questions on how to do that, LOL! Oh not really a date but interesting my high school sweetheart and I went to dinner and it felt really nice to reconnect with him, we have so much history not sure if he is looking to spark something or not but we still had fun catching up.

Things with the Artist and I are going relatively well. We see each other almost everyday. I have met two of his sisters and his only brother plus we might be taking a trip with another couple in early March depending on his work schedule which he won't find out until next week. February is overall shaping up to be a slow month for him with regard to "paying jobs" so we have been working together during the mornings while my dd is at preschool.

Recently The Artist met my dd, he came and met us at the park because he really wanted to talk to me and that was where I was....... he brought me a chai tea latte and a flower from his garden which my daughter happily took for him and said "for me.......thank you I LOVE flowers" and he was like uuuummm it's for you two to share(?) which was cute. Overall he was sweet with dd but not pushy at all, he was able to "discipline" her without being intimidated or overbearing ---- dd was coming down a HUGE slide the wrong way so he guided her into a safer choice. About 1-2 weeks later he asked me if we can start walking together I was like but what about my dd? He said "At some point I'm going to need to allow him and her to have a relationship and that he won't allow my having a daughter be an excuse for us to not see eachother." He went on to say why can't I walk with him and dd, we would be in a very public space with lots of people there walking.... I overall like the idea of us walking together, but it feels odd that he won't commit to a relationship with me. I feel his desire to take things slow and "date" are also keeping us distance - i.e. how can I feel comfortable with him seeing my dd and I several times a week to walk 2-3 miles when we are not in a committed relationship? how can I feel comfortable discussing politics with him (which we have never done since meeting in November) if we are not exclusive? Why don't we ever go out on "dates" - he will go out with friends but does not really ask me to join him there? Why has he not introduced me to him mom who is a HUGE part of his life? I feel antsy for him to make this thing we have an "exclusive relationship"....

I would love to place blame all on him moving slowly, but honestly I don't know if I want that title and him to make this "legit" because I feel insecure in our present relationship (where I think we are both dating other people), insecure from my old baggage with my ex having an affair, insecurities since I dated his really close friend several years ago (can he really marry his friend's ex or is there a trick at play?) So in short I guess it's good things are going slowly but I do feel vulnerable and wish I could feel more secure, not sure if I should talk to him about this or not.

He is making an effort which I can see but I am not really used to "dating" and "taking things slow"......or "dating multiple men at once" I am a serial monogamous so this whole thing is new to me.

Anywoo I am trying to remind myself to enjoy the journey..... just enjoy the journey (AND BREATHE)!
post #40 of 101
Sugarmoon: I am so happy things are going so well with ATG He does sound like a really sweet guy. And happy to hear you in such a nice place emotionally

Butterfly: Yep we could kind of use an update here. Been thinking about you

Loveohm: The artist does sound a bit like he has a few red flags waving over his head - at least the way you describe him. I would be concerned that you don't feel you can share your emotions with him. It sounds to me like he is emotionally distant and expecting you to walk miles for him without taking a single step. I understand why you are cautious to allow him to connect with your dd. I really think you need to voice all your concerns with him and see how he reacts to them. If he freaks, then he would have eventually anyway - maybe not until you HAD introduced him to your DD and things had developed further. But now would be a better time for it kwim.
I totally get why you think I am moving fast with Manager - but the no one reason we are moving fast is that we are both VERY open about anything at all that goes on in our heads. I feel like I could tell him pretty much anything and he would give me a kind and honest response. So well from where I am standing it seems that your gut feeling is telling you something is wrong here - and probably it is telling you so because you don't feel you can trust him with your concerns and your feelings. That is a red flag to me.

About the whole kids or no kids discussion then I have given it a lot of thought. I am not saying I could never date a guy with no kids - I could - but he would need to be familiar with children in some other kind of way - either by coming from a large family himself or from his job. I really think I prefer another parent though. For me parenthood altered and matured me in ways I cannot even count and I need a partner to have that extra perspective of life - if you kwim. I feel like when I had kids there was a wall removed in my life and the opening revealed a new dimension. I need my guy to be able to move freely in that dimension too.

But I am not speeking from experience here as you know.. It is possible that one day I will have to eat those words if I end up consumed by the conflicts of stepparenting.. But I like to think that with the right man those conflicts would be possible to solve..
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