Child's teacher asking husband out?

[ceeveg]

A teacher at my DD's daycare has asked my husband out. She has met me, and knows that my husband is married. She continues to ask him out. What is the best course of action so as not to inflame the situation? She's tried to give him things, asked for his number, etc.. Our first thought is to go to the director. Any advice?

[LoveLambchop]

I would totally go to the director. That is completely inappropriate!

[GoBecGo]

I would go to the director. She sounds a little unbalanced (not sure how old she is, but i got that way about someone when i was 18 and it wasn't fun for either of us!).

[ceeveg]

She's leaving for another job soon. Should we wait until her final day? If she's unbalanced, it makes me nervous to have her near our child, and nervous for the other children. She looks about 10 to 15 years older than my husband.

[MeepyCat]

If it's making you uncomfortable now, go to the director now. No need to wait.

[GoBecGo]

My general rule is that if it regards my children or their care i report immediately without hesitation. If she's older perhaps she's having a midlife thing. Or perhaps there is something else entirely going on. But if the situation was the same with sexes reversed (i.e. if male staff member at daycare was behaving this way towards you) how would you feel/respond?

If it were me i'd report it now. Even if it's harmless and she's misguided, she needs to quit this sort of thing, or she won't keep any job for long.

[ceeveg]

Thank you very much. I hadn't considered how I would respond if I were in the same situation. We will definitely speak to the director immediately.

[ceeveg]

She called my husband while he was at work yesterday. We have an appointment to speak to the director today as soon as she arrives.

Our fears are -- what if she continues to call? She knows our car, knows where we live from our emergency sheet -- what is our next course of action?

[GoBecGo]

The police. Assuming he did nothing to encourage this (which is what i DO assume, since it's unlikely he would spark up a relationship then suddenly tell you and worry and so on) she is definitely unbalanced and has something else going on with her. She needs help. The director might be able to shed some light, but if not then you must absolutely contact the police. Again, think of how YOU would be feeling if this was a man giving you very unwanted attentions. She cannot behave this way, simply, it is unacceptable.

Keep a diary of every incident, and do what you can (change numbers etc.) to make it hard for her to continue.

[ceeveg]

Thank you. We're both feeling pretty nervous. My husband has talked with me from the beginning about things, so I have seen how things have escalated. I think I can keep a fairly accurate diary, and we've saved the message from yesterday.

It makes me wonder how this could have slipped through the screening process? Surely this has happened to other parents?

[GoBecGo]

Maybe, maybe not. She's about to move to a new job - why? Does she pick a target then move on to maximise how long she can hassle them before it's detected/flagged for work? You might never know.

The main issue is that when it's a woman doing this people often feel how you seem to - that it is THEM making the fuss, and they are a bit powerless because afterall who really would take this seriously. But it IS serious, never stop believing that.

I feel really bad for your DH - this is the sort of thing which could easily happen to my DH who is a wonderful mixture of socially inept and genuinely kind, so he can get into situations where someone is giving off signals which he's missing and he's so nice to people (EVERYONE) that it'd not be hard for a crazy to misconstrue his friendliness into something more (you know the sort of person who sees anything other than a huge aggressive NO as a come-on). It makes me feel really protective of him!

[babygirlie]

Crazy. Sexual harrassment while they have access to your child? making up her own little family maybe? I would definately report it in case something worse happens in the future. Absolutely not cool. At the very least she needs a reality check and maybe the slight embarrassment IF the director even bothers to talk to her.

[organicpapayamama]

I think you have got some wonderful advice here. Please let us know how the meeting with the director goes. Also I just had a question that wasnt touched on. How has your husband reply to her advances? Im sure at first it was flattering but as it continued did he make it very clear to her he was not interested? Im not saying its the case but some men like the attention although they would never act on it. My ex was this way... its just a thought.

[ceeveg]

I really agree with GoBecGo's description -- it really describes my DH:
"a wonderful mixture of socially inept and genuinely kind, so he can get into situations where someone is giving off signals which he's missing and he's so nice to people (EVERYONE) that it'd not be hard for a crazy to misconstrue his friendliness into something more (you know the sort of person who sees anything other than a huge aggressive NO as a come-on). It makes me feel really protective of him!"

The other teacher in DD's class is in her 60s, very grandmotherly, and always hugging parents. DH and I both think that she's wonderful, and I know that he is very warm, friendly, and affectionate with the other teacher. He's also very open and friendly with people, which might be misconstrued. He is one of those sorts of people that really looks at you when you talk, and he is also very careful of other people's feelings -- he often gets trapped in conversations because he's reluctant to cut someone off -- so I see a lot in his behavior that could be misinterpreted.

He wasn't flattered so much as confused and, later, upset. At first, he didn't believe he was being hit upon, as she is much older, and she knows that we're married, has met me numerous times, etc.. When she finally escalated her behavior, he began to feel very threatened, and just tried to get out of the situation as quickly as possible. He thought he could get his point across by just being extremely formal, making sure she wasn't the only teacher in the room when he dropped DD off, and so forth.

He grew up in a fairly combative household, and tries to avoid direct confrontation if he can. He has a hard time telling people no, and really shies away from conflict. Unfortunately, I think this tendency has contributed negatively to the current situation.

I will let you know how the meeting goes with the director. We're set to meet in about an hour from now. Thank you so much for your support.

[pauletoy]

Originally Posted by LoveLambchop

I would totally go to the director. That is completely inappropriate!

[caiesmommy]

I would lose my mind! Not so much b/c she was flirting w dh, but for the safety of you dc! That's so inapropriate and just wrong on so many levels!

Please do keep us updated!

[ceeveg]

The director was shocked to learn of the behavior. She said that the teacher was up for consideration for part-time teaching after her final day, but that she would no longer be considered. She asked that we document any future behavior, and that she would monitor the teacher for her remaining two days.

Overall, I think we feel good about the situation. We are keeping a log of all interactions, keeping phone messages, and will go to the authorities immediately if the behavior continues. I think we will feel a little better able to handle things once this teacher is out of the center, and no longer in proximity to our daughter.

I agree -- I was upset about the teacher coming onto my husband, but more nervous/scared/furious that it was in a daycare setting involving my very young DD.

Thank you again. Hopefully we will have no further problems.

[ledzepplon]

Wow, that's pretty shocking. I'm so glad you went to the director, and I hope this is the end of your dealings with this woman. It does sound like something is not quite right with her, for her to be acting out sexually like that. Yipes!

[blizzard_babe]

Wow, so weird. Sounds like the director was responsive, so that's a good thing.

There are all kinds of oddballs in this world...

[GoBecGo]

ceeveg your further descriptions of your DH also match my DH very closely! I think we married personality twins My DH is also mildly autistic, which means he finds it SO hard to interpret others body language. He doesn't give off many signals, but he can't read them either.

I'm glad the director took you seriously. Hopefully this will stop now.