Wasn't planning on a #3!

[jenveg618]

In a bit of shock right now...I'm 39, married with 2 boys (4 1/2 yrs and 21 months) and just found out yesterday that I'm pregnant! This was not planned (we had pretty much decided to stop at 2) and I'm still trying to get a handle on how I feel about it.

We live in a small 2 bdrm apt. in nyc (the boys share a room), and moving anywhere else within our neighborhood or nearby neighborhoods would mean a huge jump in rent, not to mention probably having to move out of a much-coveted school zone. Money is pretty tight now with 2 kids (I'm a SAHM, although I'm about to begin training to become a pp doula), so we can't imagine how much tighter it would get with 3. Also, my youngest son is still very needy of me and very much "the baby"; it's hard to picture him being ready for a new, younger sibling (whereas my oldest seemed more "mature" at this age and was def. ready for a baby).

I could go on and on about all the financial and logistical reasons why it would not be in our best interests to have this baby, but then I also wonder who this little person is/will be and I'm not sure if I could live with the decision to end the pregnancy. I'm really torn and we feel that we should make a decision fairly soon either way.

Has anyone else been in a similar situation and is willing to share how it went for you? All of my friends either have 1 or 2 children, so I don't know anyone personally who could relate.

Thanks!

Jennifer

[RedOakMomma]

I can't give much help (our unplanned/at-first-unwanteds were our first: TWINS!), but I hope it becomes clearer for you. Best of luck.

[bc1995]

Your 21 month old will have 9 months to grow and mature. I wouldn't worry so much about him not being ready right now. They change and grow so much at his age.

[BlackSheepPDX]

I'm in process of going from a very planned one to a total shock TWO. I had an IUD in place for two years. So though I'm not in exactly the same shoes as you, I completely understand the feeling of having something you did NOT plan for happen, and coming to terms with it.

We struggled pretty hard with this shocking news at first, and very seriously considered termination as a possibility. For me personally, I came to the conclusion that it would be harder for me to live with the what ifs and might have beens of terminating, than it would be for me to live with a known and tangible outcome, however challenging it might be. I wish you the best with figuring out what is right for you.

[Naomismom]

What a shock!

Originally Posted by bc1995

Your 21 month old will have 9 months to grow and mature. I wouldn't worry so much about him not being ready right now. They change and grow so much at his age.

I agree with this. 9 months is a long time and you could use it to prepare your youngest. I am pregnant with #3 as well with a 20-month-old mama's boy. I'm not sure how it'll work but I know I can do it.

Is there a reason you can't put a third child in your apartment?

[broodymama]

We weren't planning on #3 either, I was on the pill. Our living accomodations weren't quite as small as yours were, so we just ended up with the younger two sharing a room. It was a bit of a shock and took a little while to get used to the idea. Now that she is 18 months I couldn't imagine it any other way, she was born 4 days after DD1 turned 2.

Now, umm, #4 is unexpectedly on the way. Finances are extremely tight, moving isn't an option due to the housing market, and I was in shock for a while. We may end up with 3 sharing a room and while it isn't ideal, we'll make it work.

[GreenTeaGinger61]

Our third was unplanned as well. I was in a job I hated, in a two bedroom apartment, dh was just finishing up his BA, and my second child was just barely a year. It was pretty shocking. Both dh and I knew termination wasn't an option (even though we are pro-choice). Like everyone else has said, we made it work and can't even imagine life without her now.

We have three in one room and it works. In fact, they love it.

Now we're onto number 4 and there are times when I feel very panicy about making it all work! But I know it will.

[Pinoikoi]

My fourth was a big shocker.. We had JUST started an adoption proceeding when we found out I was pregnant.. I was really unhappy with the idea of having three in diapers at the same time.. in the end it all worked out. My youngest is rascally and super loving of his mama.. I wouldn't trade him for the world now.

[at_the_hip]

What would you regret more? I have heard many regret a decision to terminate...even a surprise is a blessing, and I suspect once that life was here you wouldn't imagine your family without him/her.

[Gray's Mommy]

We didn't plan our third at all...if we would have been charting well, I am sure we wouldn't be expecting this little one at all I am so glad that we weren't paying attention


Most of our friends either have 2 or under or more than 5 children. We'll be inbetween with 3.

Take some time to reflect & think. to you!

[Dolphin]

I am so right there with you. I'm also 39 and was emotionally done with my two boys, and life was great when we found out we were expecting #3. I cried for weeks, was angry at DH for a while, and just had to go through the emotions trying to deal. Now I'm 20 weeks and the idea of another baby, like the baby itself, is growing on me. I think things happen for a reason, which means whatever you decide to do will be the right path. I definitely considered termination but something kept me from it. Good luck to you in listening to your heart...it's not an easy journey but you will get through it, no matter what you decide.

[Kuba'sMama]

I'm expecting a third in a two-bedroom apt. as well. It was very planned either. We are pretty minimalist and I purge regularly so I'm not too worried. Like you I'd do with less space to stay in a great school district, proximity to lake, parks, etc. Things will work out for sure. And yea, in 9 months, your 21 month old will be new man! lol.

[MaerynPearl]

My first three pregnancies were all unexpected surprises. I lost my first (spontaneous miscarriage, not terminated) and I think that taught me that no matter how long Ive been pregnant, I cant handle doing that on purpose let alone just because that is what nature decided for me.

But that is me. You have to figure out what is right for you.

I have always found ways to make it work. We were in a 2 bedroom when I had DD (so we had a boy and a girl) and XH was barely making minimum wage and I just quit my job a month before she was born (on good terms I could have gone back if I wanted to but I didnt)

Ive found... things always find a way to work out if you let them.

[etsdtm99]

i am pregnant with a surprise #3 as well, though we were planning most likely to eventually add to our family we were not quite ready yet.. we were avoiding pregnancy and if we were never planning to have another child it still would have happened in this case, the feeling that our plan didn't matter takes some getting use to .. my DS is 21 months and also very very clingy/needy/mama's boy .. i feel really guilty thinking about the baby coming, but i know that he will grow and change a lot between now and then .. and in the long run, i'm sure he won't be able to imagine his life without his two siblings ..

[jenveg618]

Thanks everyone! I'm still in the "figuring it all out" phase, and this is very helpful to hear others talk about their own experiences.

The other thing is, I have a pretty rough time during the 1st tri and I'm a little nervous about feeling so crappy with 2 kids to take care of. I honestly admire anyone who has been able to go through this.

It seems like there are a few of us in very similar situations; maybe we could even form a little buddy group on here. If I do end up sticking around on the pregnancy forum, I could really use the support.

[etsdtm99]

Originally Posted by jenveg618

I have a pretty rough time during the 1st tri and I'm a little nervous about feeling so crappy with 2 kids to take care of.

oh, i am totally there right now.. it IS hard, i am feeling worse than with either previous pregnancy .. but my kids are really stepping up as is my DH and it is really helping.. my oldest is almost 4 and she is really helping out .. not so much with cleaning, but in taking care of her basic needs and helping take care of DS and keeping him entertained.. she is not usually the helpful or independent type.. but i think she can tell i really need her help (even though we haven't told them about the pregnancy)

[umsami]

When I get pregnant with DD1, we were in a similar situation. Living in Bay Ridge... two boys... I was SAHM... DH was a resident (low salary). We just started living on Craigslist, and finally found a 3 bedroom in Bensonhurst... 1st floor... cement backyard.... for about $150 more. It was a closet 3rd bedroom, but still, we could fit 2 toddler beds in it. DD ended up sleeping with us for the 1st year anyway--so the bedroom wasn't as critical, but it was nice to have.

I guess I just wanted to say, you have almost a whole year to figure things out... should you go ahead with the pregnancy... so don't worry.

I was really worried how DS2 would take things... as he was less than 2 when she was born. He ended up self-weaning on his own... and we started him off in a toddler bed in our room, before moving him in with his big brother. Both boys were such good big brothers to our little DD...still are. I actually found that 3 was easier than 2.... and I'm hoping that will hold for #4. LOL

[Tiffanoodle]

I'm there with you. Our first was totally unexpected and unplanned (we were in college and hadn't been dating very long). Then we ttc for 2 and 1.5 years with #'s 2 and 3, respectively. Our youngest is now 19 months old and I am 19 weeks pregnant. It was one month off of my birth control because insurance stopped covering what I was on and we were moving so i didn't get a chance to get on something else. I wasn't too worried since I had been ttc for most of my adult life. Haha Guess this is my "reward" for losing 50 pounds last year...spontaneous ovulation.

Our living conditions aren't quite as tough as yours, but we don't have a ton of extra space and my dh just took a huge paycut and went back to school to pursue a completely different career path. I'm still working on being excited about this baby. Maybe at my 20 week u/s next week that will start.

I have always been very decided that I would never terminate a pregnancy, but I actually seriously considered it at the beginning of this one. I'm sure I won't regret my decision but I'm very thankful that we have 8 months (from the time of the bfp) to get used to the idea.

[jenveg618]

Originally Posted by umsami

I actually found that 3 was easier than 2.... and I'm hoping that will hold for #4. LOL

This is interesting...I've heard from other moms of 3 or more that it's actually easier to go from 2 to 3 (or 3 to 4) than it is to go from 1 to 2. I overheard one mom at the park once saying that once she had 2 kids, that pretty much broke her in so having 3 didn't faze her as much. I really hope this is true!

I think we're leaning in the direction of keeping the baby, but I'm having a really hard time making a firm commitment to that decision. The fact is, I'm TERRIFIED when I think about adding another child to our lives. I know deep down that we'll do what we have to to make it work, but still....just can't seem to shake this feeling of dread.

[broodymama]

Originally Posted by jenveg618

I think we're leaning in the direction of keeping the baby, but I'm having a really hard time making a firm commitment to that decision. The fact is, I'm TERRIFIED when I think about adding another child to our lives. I know deep down that we'll do what we have to to make it work, but still....just can't seem to shake this feeling of dread.

I can totally empathize with this! I'm finally to the point (with #4) where the anticipation is outweighing the sheer terror, but it's still pretty close.