How do you know if the sep. anxiety is helping or hurting?

[LCBMAX]

Here's the short version of my post:

What are the cues that tell you your child is having natural, necessary growing pains vs. unhelpful stress?

Here's the long version:

We love using UP ideas with our 2 yo son, but I do get a little stuck trying to figure out what is a necessary "no" in relation to separation anxiety. He's been intensely clingy and attached to me for a couple weeks now, in contrast to his joyous independence and attachment to daddy in the few months previous. There are lots of possible contributors (molars? ec graduating? travel? grandma visiting? child-led reduction of night nursing? etc etc) and our management style is to keep giving him opportunities to float away from me, but never to force it, and I try to stay available to him no matter what. I'm exhausted, but that's nothing new and I can handle it.

More info: this is a kid who really appreciates when we stick to our word, even if it's a limitation or plan he doesn't like. He is more distressed by inconsistency than by restriction.

My conflict arises from my desire to say yes whenever possible juxtaposed with his need for limits and his natural urges for growth. For example, when he wept this morning trying to separate from me so his dad could take him to his beloved preschool... We usually have a very smooth out-the-door transition, and he waltzes away without a backward glance. There were a few minor glitches in our pattern, and he clung to me, begging for more milkies, and clearly saying he wasn't ready to go. So I nursed him outside for a few minutes, and we tried again, with more firmness, daddy carrying him crying to see the icicles before getting in the car. They were back in minutes, so I took him to the bedroom for some serious one-to-one bonding with me only - no wind, no daddy, no distractions. Patience, nursing, patience. Then he seemed to be ready, asking to pee and wash hands, so I carried him to the car and daddy just got in the front since he was refusing daddy's arms. He buckled in ok, but then wept miserable tears again and clutched my hand. I cheerfully reminded him about the game he loves best at school, our pick-up routine at lunch, and said I was going to make more milk for him, and walked away, shrinking on the inside as I listened to his sobs.

In fact, he was cheerful again and then asleep within 5 minutes, and I've just heard that though he was sad at his drop-off, he again adjusted within minutes.

I am reassured by this, but still concerned. How do I know if this is just working out (for us adults!) because he's such an eternally flexible, resilient and good-hearted little monkey (but is actually creating a wound for him on his insides), or if it really does benefit him at this time to have this version of separation which includes discomfort but is resolvable?

I know I may be transferring issues of my own, since I had a childhood in which I felt I had to be brave and not bother adults with my distress. But that's just the point - I was so good at it, they never knew. So I have no model for this in my mind.

How do you know? What are the cues that tell you your child is having natural, necessary growing pains vs. unhelpful stress?

Thanks, so much, from this worried mama, so appreciating a morning (sort of) off!

[AmyKT]

I don't know how to answer the deeper questions in this thread, but I am a WOHM and my DH is a SAHD so I have to leave DD home every day (that was a lot of acronyms!) For at least the past 10 months, each and every morning departure has been sheer torture. I've tried a variety of leaving methods (including sneaking out -- not good!), but she always throws a fit, though DH tells me she's fine in a few moments. And when I come home at night, she's cool. Happy to see me, but not frantically all over me.

And then miraculously and suddenly, the last few mornings have been no big deal! Just a hug and a "bye, mommy." I don't know that it will last, but I'm hoping it was a phase she went through that's now done.

Each day that you reappear, your DS is learning that you WILL come back, and that you are a permanent part of his life.

Just thought to add: My mother never went anywhere w/o me until I was around 5. I remember standing at the window crying and screaming as she left me and my brother with our father while she went to the grocery store. I think it's definitely better to work through these issues at a younger age.

[ASusan]

Each time you part, and he is upset, but recovers, you are giving him a chance to learn resiliency.