DS "parenting" DD -- driving me crazy

[limabean]

This behavior has been going on for about a month now, and it's driving me nuts. My 5yo DS tells my 21mo DD what to do 2 seconds after I do, all. day. long. If I say, "DD, go get your shoes," DS will say, "Go get your shoes! Go get your shoes! Look, your shoes are over here, come get your shoes! Come here, I have your shoes for you..."

Or if I say, "DD, please clean up the crayons," DS will say, "Yeah, we don't dump out crayons. Those crayons need to go back in the box. Pick them up. Pick up the crayons. You dumped crayons all over the floor, you need to clean them up..."



I realize that most of the time he's just trying to help, but it confuses DD and drives me batty. I've talked to him about how it can confuse her if more than one person is telling her what to do, and I've talked to him about how she wants to do some things (like getting her shoes) by herself, without him "helping," but he still does it all day long. Any suggestions for how I can help to change this dynamic?

[zeldamomma]

What I do is say "Not your job" to the parenting child in a calm, emotionless voice. It seems to help.

[LynnS6]

"Ds who's the mom here?" "yep, that's right." "My job is to help the kids, your job is to take care of yourself. "

Eventually you can get it down to "who's job is it?" or "Not your job."

It's a really common dynamic among siblings. In our house, it's usually ds (the older child) who tells dd what to do. But just last night I had to tell dd "hey, who's job is it to tell your brother what he needs to do?"

[broodymama]

My 5 year old does that with his younger sisters too. DD2 is only 18 months and doesn't pay attention, but it really pushes DD1's buttons!

Originally Posted by zeldamomma

What I do is say "Not your job" to the parenting child in a calm, emotionless voice. It seems to help.

This is what I do too.

[sweetcheeks]

My 4.5 YO does this with my 20 month old. Drives me nutso too! I also say to her, "DD, I'm the mommy, not you. That's not your job."

[limabean]

OP here -- yeah, I do the "not your job" thing many many times a day. I guess it just hasn't sunk in yet...

[GoBecGo]

You are seeing, in live-time, how your parenting of your kids is shaping their future parenting skills. But it is super annoying! In the crayon situation i would try "perhaps you'd like to help her DS?" which would probably cause instant disinterest in crayons, little sisters and being the parent...lol

[LynnS6]

Originally Posted by limabean

OP here -- yeah, I do the "not your job" thing many many times a day. I guess it just hasn't sunk in yet...

Alas, it takes many many years to sink in. As the youngest child of 5, I was subjected to parenting by most of my older siblings. I have vivid memories of yelling at my middle sister "You're not the boss of me! You are not my mother! You can't tell me what to do!"

I love her today, so we got past it. But really, it's hard to be older and know what's supposed to be done, and it's hard to be younger and be bossed around all the time.

So, I figure that the 'not your job' comments are more for the child being bossed around and to create a general awareness of boundaries. It's a long process!

[limabean]

Originally Posted by LynnS6

Alas, it takes many many years to sink in.

Oh, so all the "Tell him he's not the mom" suggestions didn't mean "Here's a way to help the situation," they just meant "Here's what I do, but it doesn't work either"?

[CageFreeFamily]

Originally Posted by GoBecGo

But it is super annoying! In the crayon situation i would try "perhaps you'd like to help her DS?" which would probably cause instant disinterest in crayons, little sisters and being the parent...lol