Moms/family helping in the post-partum period.

[SilverFish]

I think this is the right place for this question...

Anyway, I'm currently debating on when/if to have my mom come stay with me after the baby comes in March. I know this is going to be primarily dependent on our personal relationship, but I thought other people might have useful tips and insight.

I've already decided I don't want her there at our homebirth... it already feels too crowded with my husband, two midwives, the birthing assistant, and our cat in our tiny apartment. Besides, I really want this experience to work out, I figure the fewer outside voices, the better.

However, she stayed with my sister for nearly a month after her baby was born this winter and it seemed to be a big help. My mom and I generally get along although we have our differences... I don't know how I'll deal with her in my space (she lives about 5 hours away, so she'd be staying with us) and I'm already anticipating some comments about lifestyle choices (on cosleeping: oh, just put them in another room! no one gets any sleep otherwise! etc)... while I'm outspoken enough to stand by my beliefs, I'm not sure I'll be up for those kinds of discussions during what I'm sure will be an exhausting and emotionally fragile period. We're vegan too, and she always makes comments about that... although she's practically vegetarian herself and cooks vegan food really well.

Anyway, we just started talking about it yesterday. She won't come unless I specifically tell her how long and when I want her there, which I appreciate (and yet is also somewhat passive-agressive... such is our relationship). I also know she'll be very helpful and hardworking in the housework and cooking department... it's not like I'd have to play hostess or anything. And since my husband isn't much of a cook, it would be great to be getting good meals while she's here!

So, any ideas? How long did your mom stay for (if she stayed)? Would you change anything about the help you got if you did it again? Are the minor annoyances of the mother-daughter relationship overcome by the need for assistance and the general bonding experience that a new baby brings?

If I don't have her come, there really won't be anyone, since we live far from family and only recently moved here... we have very little community or close friends yet.

[new2texas]

I had a baby this past November and was in the same situation as you. We had recently moved thousands of miles away from our family and didn't really have anyone around to help out. My mom flew down for a week when baby was 5 days old. It was wonderful. She did all the cooking (even a big Thanksgiving dinner), cleaning and totally looked after my older 2 kids so all I had to do for that week was rest and bond with the new baby. We wished she could have stayed longer. That being said I have a great relationship with my mom and she is the super helpful non-judgemental kind of person who would not interfere with any parenting choices we make. For example the baby sleeps with us and all my mom said was "I couldn't do that when I had babies, I was always worried I'd roll over on them and so I couldn't get any sleep" And that's it. She wasn't saying don't do it, just that didn't work for her. Anyway, my point is as long as your mom is going to be helping and you don't have a combative relationship where it would be stressful to have her around go for it!!! You need to take it easy after you have a baby so take all the help you can get and just enjoy your babymoon!

[philomom]

The best help for me was after my hubby had to go back to work. Nursing was already established and mom could help get dinner on table for when he came home each evening.

[jecombs]

My Mom was supposed to come for a week after DD was born to help out. Unfortunately, it didn't work out because my grandfather was having major health issues and she needed to be with him. It wasn't the end of the world to be on my own! I did fine! My sister came for 2 days and left us with a large pan of lasagne, which was really helpful because we ate it for supper for 3 nights in a row. After that, I just kept it simple for meals and we got take-out a couple of times. I did very little house-cleaning, laundry, or any other chores. The house was a bit cluttered, but not out of control messy.
This time around, I am hoping my Mom can come to help with my 2 yr. old for a week, while we acclimate to becoming a family of 4. I'm also trying to put a bunch of meals in the freezer, in case something happens and Mom can't be with us.
If your Mom can't come, you will be okay. But if anyone asks what they can do for you... tell 'em to bring a meal!

[clicksab]

My mom came for a week after DD was born and I loved it. However, she didn't stay with us (we had a 400 sq ft apartment!). She was a great help, but I was ready for her to go after the week was over. No particular reason, but I was just ready to be our own little family of three.

This time my mom is coming for an undetermined amount of time...however long we need her. I have a feeling it will be longer than a week! But we'll be dealing with the fact that my DH has to work AND is finishing his final semester to get his Bachelor's. Plus our DD has autism and is a handful, but she does fantastic with my mom. So yeah, due to our circumstances, I'm looking forward to her stay!

It is a very personal decision, and I'm not even sure you'll know how you'll feel about having your mom around until the time actually comes. I'm pretty sure there were moments when she was here that we rubbed each other the wrong way a bit (I was recovering from a c-section and she was in a particularly moody part of menopause, which we get a good laugh out of now)! But honestly, I don't remember any negatives three years out. I remember being grateful for a clean home, good warm food, and hugs when I couldn't figure out why my baby was crying.

[Sweetiemommy]

Take all the help you can get. It is misery to be alone and hungry after hubby goes back to work. You can always send her home if she drives you nuts.

[Catherine12]

My mom came for my first two births, and my MIL for my third. I have good relationships with both, and although my mom didn't make all the same parenting choices as we did, she never questioned our choices.

Although it was nice having her there, I really didn't need my mom for our first baby. My dh could handle the cooking and cleaning until I was up and about (only about a week). On the other hand, if things had gone less well with the birth and my recovery time had been longer, help would have been much more necessary. The greatest benefit of having her there was really to my dh, who was able to spend more time just hanging with me and the baby.

I was much more in need of help the second and third times, when we had older kid(s) to look after.

If you decide to have your mom come, you might want to give her a window of time rather than a specific number. You can't know ahead of time how you will feel after the birth - how long recovery will be, how you will feel about being alone with the baby, or how you'll feel about having your mom in the house. It sounds like she wants specifics, but maybe giving a specific sapn (e.g., "At least one week, not more than 3") would be good enough.

[cheeqz]

Do you have a friend that might be ok with putting your mom up for one or two nights?

My mom lives down the street, so I didn't have to worry about her staying with me. The first day or so, I mostly slept and nursed, and my hubs had paternity leave so he grabbed us food and such (he didn't really cook - he was pretty exhausted too). It was nice having a quiet house just us and our boy.

After that, it was GREAT having mom around for help cleaning, cooking, and anything else. Plus, it was nice for her to be there for the first bath, little things like that.

If my mom lived far away and I didn't want her there for the birth, I might ask her to come a day or two after the birth OR she could be there to see the baby right away, but spend the first night elsewhere. If that were possible. If not, it would be worth having the extra person there for the care and assistance she can lend.

[SilverFish]

thanks for your thoughtful replies, everyone!

my mom is actually coming down to spend a couple days with us next week (supposedly she is coming to "help" with some home projects, but we'll see) so i think it'll be a good trial run to see how we jive in the same space. i've been with my husband for quite a while actually, but we always lived overseas, so we've never really hosted our families at home before... probably why i'm so unsure of it.

anyway, depending on when the birth happens, and how quickly everyone tries to get down here (if it's the weekend, i can see everyone jumping in the car the second we tell them i'm in labour... if it's during the week or earlier than we're expecting, it could easily be a day or two before people start showing up) i guess we'll try and tailor for that. it's so hard to make these decisions when you don't know how your labour will go or even when it'll be!

[gcgirl]

Originally Posted by Sweetiemommy

Take all the help you can get. It is misery to be alone and hungry after hubby goes back to work. You can always send her home if she drives you nuts.

Yes, this! My mom is going to help me out for a week or two after the birth. We DO get along though, so it's a little different I suppose. But remembering how TIRED I was after DS was born, I'm taking everything I can get. I want my mom AND a PP doula!

[Peace+Hope]

i think even with difficulties, in the long run i can only imagine regretting NOT having had my mom with me after the birth. i've never regretted dropping everything to help family out in a time of need, but i have regretted the couple of times that didn't happen for one of us.

she will be staying with us, but i have some flexibility b/c she's flying in from overseas to stay with my sister until i give them the ok to come - which i'd like to be the day or so after the birth, depending on how i feel at the time. then she'll be here for a couple of weeks, or til i feel "done," when i'll ask my sister to come back for her .

[Mamabeakley]

I've had 3 very different experiences - all with one mom!

DS1's birth - she came when I told her I was in labor, stayed 10 days, I thought it was great, DH wished she had left earlier.

DS2's birth - she came to be w/DS1 during labor, stayed a week. In retrospect, I think it would have been better for her to come for the birth, leave, and come back for a visit later. I think having exciting grandma there actually made things harder for DS1 because he was working to adjust to new baby AND trying to cope with an exciting visit.

DDs birth - we decided not to invite my mom to attend the birth. DS1 & 2 ended up @ my (more local) MIL/FILs during the birth. We had 3 days of "new family only" and then DH took the boys to the mountains w/his family while my mom came to stay w/me & DD. That was great (boys had been looking forward to vacation for months - DD came early). Then my mom came back for 10 days while DH was working out of town when DD was 3 weeks old. That was tough for me - again, DS1 (& DS2 to some extent) had to deal w/overexcitement as well as adjustment issues. In retrospect I think I should have just spent a lot of time @ MIL's that week. Or part of it. Or something.

Also, I should add that for whatever reason, my mom has gotten less helpful and more anxious during the past 5 years - which I'm sure played a role in how I felt about her visits!

[dachshund mom]

My mom came for a week (the second week) and I cried so hard when she had to leave. My parents came every weekend for a month after that.
I thought I'd want a "babymoon" to figure the baby out, but ended up really needing the help. The laundry, cooking, holding the baby while I showered or peed, or just rocking her in the middle of the night when I couldn't nurse another second. I had low supply (dd was not gaining) and was nursing and pumping non stop, and DD was crying when she wasn't nursing, so I really needed a hand.

It was the other family that would spend the whole day that was overwhelming. The only thing that would be bad is if your mom was not supportive of breastfeeding or pushing formula, because you're doing it so much in those early weeks.

[~Katie~]

I've had two very different post-partum periods and my MIL was the primary helper after both of my kid's births. Our relationship at the time DS was born was VERY different from what it is now, like two different people almost.

After DS was born she came about 4 days after and stayed for a long weekend. As I said before, our relationship was incredibly strained and we did not get along well. She was incredibly pushy and demanding, she helped with cooking but little else, said a lot of nasty stuff about breastfeeding and I had to wrestle DS away from her just to feed him. She had not yet figured out the role of MIL and grandmother and was basically doing everything you don't want to do. I also had no idea what to ask of her, I was totally unprepared for the post-partum period and struggling, and it was just a really miserable time.

Shortly after he was born we had it out and she was put in her place, and assumed the role of MIL and grandmother quite nicely when she realized she could either have a relationship with us or be miserable about how she thinks things should have gone.

Cut to DD's birth. DH deployed before she was born so I was alone. Our relationship was MUCH better at that point, to the point where I consider her my "Mom D" now. She came 2 days after and stayed for 2 weeks. Her help was outstanding, by that point she figured out what I really needed from her. At night she would hold DD for a few hours and sleep with her on the couch, I loved seeing them together like that. It would have been nice for her to stay longer, but in reality it had been a while since she had dealt with two small children and she was exhausted by the time she left

If you plan for her help, it's incredibly important for you to talk ahead of time about what your needs are and how commentary about parenting choices isn't helpful. Put everything else aside and just be genuine in your discussion with her. Come at it from the angle of "I love you and would love for you to be here to help me, I want to make this a really special time for all of us so let's get on the same page". That really seemed to help everything sink in for my MIL when she finally realized that she needed to put her personal feelings aside, we both get so much more out of our interactions that way because in the end it's about spending time together as a family and not about doing XYZ this way.

[tygrss]

My Mom and sister both came for about a week after DS' birth. DH had to work so it was great having them here (cooking, cleaning, taking the baby while I caught a nap or shower, etc). My Mom and I have an "interesting" relationship to say the least, but we get along pretty well in general.

Anyhow, she's suppose to come down again this time again for a few days to a week. I'm looking forward to it. DH will be around as well, so he'll probably spend more time with DS while Mom takes care of the housework/cooking.

[zannster]

My mom came while I was still in the hospital after my c-section (she didn't have any flexibility, and I lived across the country). She stayed for a week. She was a great help in the few days I was home healing from the c/s. My MIL came the week after that. She insisted on staying in a hotel, which was alright, given that we had a 1 BR apartment. I liked having each of them around, even if it was a bit awkward at times (more with my MIL). We're planning on doing the same routine this time, and I'm sure my MIL will be an even greater help, since she adores DS. I'd have no problems with my mom staying longer than a week, but we have a good relationship and she respects my choices.

[laughingfox]

It depends a lot on your personal relationship.
My mother and I are generally a bit rocky at best, and I know that there would be irreparable damage done to our relationship if she was in my home postpardum.
She makes it no secret that she opposes almost every lifestyle and parenting decision I make, and it's hard to have someone insulting you when you're so emotional, vulnerable, and just physically exhausted. Even if she was a fabulous cook and a cleaning expert, my psychological health would suffer far too much from her presence for me to benefit from her help at all.
She was out of the country when DD was born, and I was secretly very grateful for that. Now, she lives less than 10 miles away and I'm not looking forward to the awkward moments when she'll drop by unannounced and I simply won't be able to handle her.

I'd say to wait and see how your mom's visit goes before making a decision. The dynamic might different when she's in your living space. Good luck.

[Becken]

As long as your relationship with your mom is healthy enough that you are not MORE stressed by her presence in your home, AND you can communicate your needs well and trust that she'll respect them and meet them, I cannot recommend it highly enough!

My mom came for a MONTH after my first was born and I do not know how we would have survived without her!

This time around, my parents live about 4 blocks from us and we're already talking about what it's going to look like after #2 is born.

I do think it's important to discuss expectations before she arrives. If she's really coming to HELP you, then she needs to know what it is that you want HELP with!

My MIL is a different story. She's a nice lady, but we are not close and it stresses me out that she's coming to visit. I feel like she's coming for herself, not for me, and yet don't have the heart to tell her no - it's very rare that she gets to see her grandchildren! Thankfully it'll be a few weeks post partum and I'm going to have her sleep at my parents house instead of my living room floor!!!

[Red Pajama]

My mother stayed with me for 8 weeks when I was on bed rest before the twins were born (she took one week off in there) and then for 6 weeks after they were born. She was a godsend. With my singleton, she stayed for about two weeks.

She basically runs the house. She cooks, cleans, and keeps up with the laundry. She helps with baby care as asked, but doesn't try to take over. She was supportive of both cloth diapering and nursing. She taught me how to do a really tight swaddle. She'd keep the babies (talking of the time of the twins' infancy) with her after the morning feed when they were up but I really needed a nap, and she'd let me get an hour or two of uninterrupted sleep.

It worked so well for us because she is unobtrusive, willing to help, and supportive. She and my husband get along well. My sister has said that she couldn't have mom come stay with her for long term, because her husband wouldn't be able to take that much of mom. So it's as much about your husband as it is about your mother's relationship with you.

If your relationship is one where you think you'd be able to maintain peace for all parties sharing space with your mother, go for it. It's such a help.

[kirstenb]

My mom came for almost 2 weeks after both of my births. We live far from our families so we didn't have any other help. I wasn't too sure about her coming down after DS1 was born but it was a HUGE help. DH was deployed and she took care of everything around the house while I was recovering. It was really nice to have my mom there while I was figuring out how to be a mom. DH was here when DS2 was born, but my mom still helped out a ton with things around the house. I was comfortable having a newborn at that point so I didn't need her help there like the last time, but she was invaluable helping out with DS1 so I could focus on the baby.