Should we start co-sleeping?

[naomismommy2]

Hi everyone,

My DD is almost 15 mo and she is a poor night sleeper, although not nearly as difficult as I see many others of you are having to deal with. She currently wakes 3-5 times per night, sometimes sits up for a couple of hours, and she is generally a fussy, not very contented baby. She has her sunny moments, of course, but she is "high need," which means mommy is on her toes much of the time.

In order to try to catch enough sleep, I go to be around 8 and sometimes get up after 7. My days are too short, and disordered. If it is possible not to go on like this, I really feel a need of a change. DD has had sleep problems since birth, but especially since one month of age, when she started having a very hard time falling asleep (2-3 hours of work to get her to sleep) and staying asleep (holding her for 1.5 hour at a time just to get a light nap in her). She now takes 1-2 naps per day, in her crib, after being nursed to sleep (much better). She nurses to sleep at night (takes 30-50 mins) and wakes throughout the night. I guess I usually nurse her or give the paci. For a while I tried a modified Dr. Gordon approach, and we had some success, though inconsistent.

I would like to try Dr. Gordon again, but as for the part of not picking the baby up, I know that would only lead to her totally rousing, crying and hollering for a long time, and not going to sleep anyway. I have never let her cry it out in the crib, either alone or with a parent present, and I do not think it would work anyway, nor do I want to try.

On the other hand, while letting her fuss/cry in our bed might eventually get her down to sleep (she has sometimes fallen asleep beside me, rarely) I do not relax with her in our queen bed, and I worry about her safety too. But if that is what it takes....

What do you think? Should I start taking her into our bed when she wakes, as a transitional stage to help her more gently break the sucking association, while having more parental closeness than we could if we tried to do it in the crib? Or should I just try picking her up and holding her at night when she wakes, not giving breast or pacifier? I know there are no easy answers.

As with all of this, we are so tired that we don't exactly feel up to another round of "sleep reforms" that we are not even sure how to go about. That is why I need to be a little less foggy on what our goal even is. Thank you!

[sunfish21]

It is so hard to say much, as every mom, baby and family has different needs. That said, it doesn't sound like you have a ton to lose. You might find that you grow more comfortable with her in your bed. If not, that may rule it out for you both. My DD was a terrible sleep from the beginning and I had tried numerous things to help us both sleep more. For a long time I didn't think it was possible, but I am not able to put her down awake (most nights) after rocking and nursing while she is sleepy but not out yet. Any changes with a high needs baby are going to be 'baby steps' without much noticeably changing right away. For me, it was well worth the time spent figuring out what worked for us--she is finally (starting at 21 months) sleeping through the night.

[Fuamami]

How about a combo? I always put my babies to sleep in their own place, but then brought them to bed after their first waking. For the first six months, they were in a bassinet next to the bed, and then a crib (mostly in their own room or a sibling's room) after that. I wouldn't worry too much about her safety, she obviously wakes up easily and at 15 months probably will! But, it might keep her awake more than let her sleep. My dd was a very restless sleeper, but she slept easily through the night in her own space. Whenever I brought her to bed, she would wake up more frequently.

I agree with the pp that it doesn't seem like there's much to lose. You could try it and see if it makes things easier, and if not, try something else.

[AmyKT]

My DD has gone through very easy and very difficult sleep stages. For about 6 months (18-24 mos) she was sleeping all night in her crib, and then she suddenly started waking again.

We were not comfortable sleeping w/ her in our queen bed because it just didn't feel big enough, so what we started doing was taking turns sleeping with her on a futon we had in a guest room. That wasn't comfy, so we just got her a full sized mattress to put on the floor and we take turns sleeping with her there. She goes to sleep alone (actually, I stay until she sleeps and then slip out) for 4-6 hours, usually, and then one of us joins her for the rest of the night. It's a very comfortable mattress, so we don't mind too much.

So here we are, suddenly co-sleeping for the first time (consistently, anyway) with a 27 month old. It's working pretty well, and as a bonus, she's less clingy during the day and her separation anxiety has diminished.

I'd say try co-sleeping, but I like the idea of getting to sleep in your own bed for part of the night, if she'll still go down alone. It's much better than sitting in a rocker all night.

[naomismommy2]

Thank you all for your replies! I think we are going to try it for a couple of weeks, while I work on Dr. Gordon's plan. DH will sleep on the couch in the next room. A queen bed is just so small. We stayed in a hotel with a king a while back, and DD slept between us. It was so roomy! Wow, that is the way to go if you want to co-sleep, I think. But for those of us who move all the time and rent teeny, tiny apartments, well.....


Thank you again!

[Book Please Mommy]

My DD started staying awake for several hours a night, several nights a week, when she was about 10 months old. We were so tired and so miserable. She was really fighting taking two naps per day, so we cut it down to one nap per day and that made getting her to sleep at night a lot shorter. She had been getting too much sleep during the day. We also realized that if DD woke up 3 times, were done for and she would be up for hours. So by the second time in the night that she woke up, we would bring her to our bed, and that's how we started co-sleeping when she was 10 months old. Bringing her to our bed helped the night wakings but didn't eliminate them. We took our queen mattress off the bed and put it on the floor, and within a few months we bought a king mattress. It was a mite crowded with a queen bed but better than getting no sleep. BTW, my DD gave up naps completely before she was 2 years old. We are still co-sleeping 3/4 of the night. It helps her to be near mommy or daddy when she stirs, and she's more likely to go back to sleep than to completely wake up. Adults don't like sleeping alone very much; why should a little kid? Hope this helps.

[bam]

Personally, I find Gordon's plan too harsh; not picking up the child was not an option for me. It's a form of abandonment imo; the child just gives up on the parent.

Have you tried reading Pantley's No Cry Sleep Solution (aka NCSS). I am in the process of doing it, no tears; it may take more time, but it's worth it imo. What's a few more weeks of no sleep. I know I will look back on this day and feel good about how I did it although I do feel sad not to have the closeness we had despite the lack of sleep.

We also co-sleep. We stopped bedsharing at 12M b/c DS is a bed hog; we have a queen bed. So we attached the crib safely by eliminating the crack he could have fallen into and it's at the same level as our mattress so I can nurse and be there for him when he wakes etc.

Hang in there. In the grand scheme of things, this phase is very short.

[naomismommy2]

Thank you Book Please Mommy and Bam. I appreciate all your thoughts. Yes, I am very much a "let's see how it goes" person. If my daughter gets all upset for too long of course I'll pick her up. I have read most of the NCSS and tried some of the ideas. I guess I was always too impatient, as I suppose it takes a good long try of it, with a high need baby, to see consistent results. I'm glad that you are finding it to be a good match for you, though. I will just see how Naomi does with the not picking up part. We'll play it by ear.

Thanks again for your thoughts!