how often do you play WITH your 3 1/2 yo?

[JustSo]

DH and I are at our wits' end trying to keep DS (3.5 yo) occupied. We are Waldorf-inspired at home, so no TV/DVDs/screen time, and it seems that DS constantly wants someone to interact with. Yes, he is an only child. We do go to playdates almost every day, so he gets socialization that way, either with his pals or kids that just happen to be at the playground. After about 2-3 hrs of that, then we come home, have lunch, and I pop him in the stroller for some exercise (for myself!), return home and DH comes home. When DH walks in the door, DS clamors for his attention. Normal, I know, but it doesn't stop! After a long day of physical labor, DH HAS to resume work on the computer/phone, and I need to get dinner ready, so we encourage DS to play by himself for a bit. He'll do it for a few minutes, but then he gets bored and wanders in to the office for DH's attention or in the kitchen for mine. I involve him when I can in the making of dinner (seems to be working a bit), but once those tasks are done, he leaves and will *not* let DH work!

He also will interrupt us when we DH and I try to have our own adult conversation - not all the time, but quite frequently.

We are just wondering, is this a phase and will it pass? or is this the beginning of a longterm pattern? Has the "attachment parenting" backfired and have we raised a - dare I say it - spoiled little brat who is so accustomed to having all eyes on him that he can't bear it any other way???

help! any advice/btdt stories welcome!

[lonegirl]

I am going through the same thing with my son (3y2m) (except the screen time....we limit but has way more than the average). We have been raising him much more AP than anyone else we know irl. He is also having a few separation anxiety issues (starts crying if we go onto a different floor of the house and he has to stay and play) .....my brother's solution(he has 2 girls 4 and 7)....he has to go to school (we are thinking of homeschooling for junior and senior Kindergarten) so he can get over it.

SOrry no advice just wanted to say you aren't alone.....and I am happy we aren't alone too

[hibiscus mum]

We play with DD a lot. I can set her up with crayons or markers and colouring books or playdough, but she won't play with those things alone. She wants me to draw things for her or make things out of playdough.

She does still sometimes nap but when she doesn't, she'll quite happily hang out in her bed alone and "read" books to herself. Any chance of that happening in your house?

[Nillarilla]

I usually prepare something in advance for my crazy time of the day when I NEED to get something done. We do have some screen time but that happens earlier in the day when I am getting the baby down for a nap. I'll set up a tub of water with a little squirter with some watery soap and pile his dishes, a towel and a drying rack and tell him his dishes are sooooooooooo dirty! and he needs to clean them up. If he doesn't fall for that then I tell him that the water is too dirty anyways and it would just make the dishes filthy and he shouldn't touch it. Or I put out a new batch of playdough or one of his sensory tubs etc. Something that's not available all the time since it needs supervision but not necessarily my help with. I put him at the kitchen table and I get dinner on. If he's already playing with his sister nicely or by himself I don't bother. It's just on those days where I am ready to pull my hair out.

[AllisonR]

Can your DH do the computer tasks at night, after your DS is in bed? That may help a bunch. If he is physically tired after a hard work day, he can still do relaxing stuff with your DS like reading a book, drawing, "playing cards"....

When your DS comes to you in the kitchen, let him really help out. Let him sift the flour, or measure it, or whatever. Yes, the cooking time for you will actually go up another 10-15 min, but his involvement may be longer. And after a few times, both of you will enjoy it. My 5yo and 3yo do a lot of cooking, and unless it is hot oil, I let them help with all of it; cutting, measuring....

IMO, kids instinctively know what kind of "work" you are doing. If I am on a rare but serious call, they know it and will wait a lot longer than if I am just chatting with a friend. If I am on the computer, they want my attention a lot sooner than if I am folding laundry....

[JustSo]

Originally Posted by lonegirl

SOrry no advice just wanted to say you aren't alone.....and I am happy we aren't alone too

Me too!

Originally Posted by hibiscus mum

She does still sometimes nap but when she doesn't, she'll quite happily hang out in her bed alone and "read" books to herself. Any chance of that happening in your house?

DS does "read" to himself, but not for long stretches. And it may be my perception, but it sure seems like he hones in on us ESPECIALLY when we are having a "serious" talk!!

Originally Posted by Nillarilla

I'll set up a tub of water with a little squirter with some watery soap and pile his dishes, a towel and a drying rack and tell him his dishes are sooooooooooo dirty! and he needs to clean them up.

Love this idea, but how do you keep your LO from squirting the whole house?? My DH is a big fish, he LOVES water, but I could just imagine the huge mess...

Originally Posted by AllisonR

Can your DH do the computer tasks at night, after your DS is in bed? That may help a bunch.

He does, but he is really stretched really thin, so he tries to do a lot right when he gets home, as well as after DS goes to bed. Poor DH... he really is overworked. *feeling guilty*

Originally Posted by AllisonR

If I am on the computer, they want my attention a lot sooner than if I am folding laundry....

Funny how they do that, right??

Thanks, Mamas, for all the great suggestions. It's nice knowing that we are not the only ones...

[Holiztic]

I almost never "play" with him. We, too, are Waldorf-inspired with no screen time and no electronic toys. We are also very Continuum Concept-inspired, so I work around the house most of the day and DS, well, just fits in. That's what they do when not given other options!

A day for us looks like this:

Wake up all together all at the same time

He hangs out while I do a little yoga--he tries to emulate or just runs around the room.

He helps me make the bed and hangs out in the bathroom with DH while DH gets ready

We get dressed (he does some himself, I help with some)

We all go downstairs, he helps me pack DH's lunch and sees DH off

He helps cook breakfast OR gets his playdough out and plays at the counter.

He sets the table, we eat, he clears (some of) the table.

Back to playdough or plays a little on his own (very little) while I do dishes (or he helps do dishes)

We go out for music class or gymnastics or playdate, or we stay in and clean together and do laundry, together

We cook lunch (he helps or plays alone--often coming back to me to talk or jump in the kitchen or whatever)

We eat and clean up (again, he might play briefly on and off while also coming to talk to me while I do dishes)

We rest (read stories or play a board game--only time I play most days)

Stay in and do something in the house (clean out pantry today) or if we were in in the morning we might run an errand (1-2 days a week we stay home all day and do lots of cleaning, organizing, etc).

Outside play when over 40 degrees (trying to get out on colder days, but I HATE cold!) I sit and read while he digs in the dirt/snow or plays with sticks.

Then we make dinner (again, he goes between helping, and very briefly playing in his playroom--opens to the kitchen--talking to me, running around the kitchen)

DH comes home, we eat, I do the dishes while they play for 10-15 minutes.

Get ready for bed, go to bed.

_________

When I got serious about really working around the house, DS just dealt with it. It took a week, but he just started "fitting in". I highly recommend The Continuum concept (book) by the way. It does take days of saying "I'm doing mommy work right now" and "no, I can't play with you now, but you can play" to finally change his attitude/expectations, but it worked. This does change a bit, however, when he's sick, which I am okay with.

[MAMom]

In my experience, my DS (now 6.5) wasn't interested/couldn't/didn't want to play by himself at that age (and I remember how tiring it was!). DD (just turned 4) can entertain herself with little help from me for hours. Whether it is a product of him being a first child & her being a second child or just their personalities, I'm not sure!

DS now can entertain himself with Legos, art, etc. for longer stretches, so maybe as your DS gets older he'll get better at it

[snarky]

JustSo - forget the squirter, my daughter will play forever in the sink given a pot of soapy water, a cloth, and some plastic cups for dumping. It's great because she can then "help" mama in the kitchen while she is making dinner or cleaning up. Also, she loves her kid-sized broom. This doesn't solve your interrupting problem but they're great at keeping kids busy.

[Swandira]

We had this problem with our first kid when he was 3 as well. It drove us batty. Then when he was 3 years 2 months old, our second kid was born. It was even worse after that, because we had this huge extra responsibility, our (super-high-needs) newborn baby girl, and her big brother wasn't able to entertain himself for longer than about 10 or 15 minutes. When she was about six months old, though, she started to be interested in what he was doing, and then he could talk to her about his superheroes for a bit instead of us. They play together really well now at 7 and 4, but they certainly do both want our attention pretty often. Their 1-year-old brother would have made a fabulous only child; at 13 months I've seen him play by himself, off in his own little world, for over 30 minutes. But I digress!

Anyway, I know this doesn't help you, because yours is an only. I think some people will tell you it will be fixed if you just have another, but I remember several months when I did that during which the problem was greatly worsened. I did find that my oldest started to need less attention from me when he was around five, but there were several factors at work there. Hope it gets better for you soon!

Nealy
mama to T (12/02), L (2/06), and O (12/08)

[eepster]

DS just turn 4yo, and it's beginning to get easier.

We do Montessori not Waldorf, so we let DS do our actual dishes (which since we have a dish washer is basically rinsing them off.)

An hour or two of play outside the home might be enough for most kids, but some kids just really need more. DS needs around 5 or 6 hours of outside the hours interactive/social play time.

On thing that is a huge help is DS going to school and activities. He goes to a half day of school 5 days per week and he has a gymnastics class too. We have a couple of zoo and museum memberships that also help. In nice weather we go too parks, but right now in the middle of winter we use places like Ikea a lot. Then we also do errands together like going to the supermarket.

Adults for DS to spend time with aside from DH and I are sanity savers. Of course there are his teachers at school, but then there is also Grandpa who is retired so he can devote much of his energy on DS. DS also loves it when he gets to see other relatives (though that happens less frequently b/c they live farther away.)

One thing that struck me in your OP was that you put him in the stroller when you take you walk. That is a great time for your DS to burn some energy off, explore his surroundings etc. We have never used the stroller regularly, DS does most of his walking himself. Strollers only get used for times when I really need to get DS from point a to point b quickly and he's half asleep, or to hold something other than DS (like everyone coats.)

[JustSo]

exercise is not a luxury! (was: how often do you play with your 3 1/2 yo?)

Originally Posted by eepster

One thing that struck me in your OP was that you put him in the stroller when you take you walk. That is a great time for your DS to burn some energy off, explore his surroundings etc. We have never used the stroller regularly, DS does most of his walking himself. Strollers only get used for times when I really need to get DS from point a to point b quickly and he's half asleep, or to hold something other than DS (like everyone coats.)

Under circumstances when I want him to burn off some energy and/or have the time to let him meander, then yes, I agree with you, I definitely encourage DS to walk. Truth is, by putting him in the stroller, I'm making a conscious decision to get some exercise for myself. For the first 3 yrs of DS's life I got NO exercise, except for when I went for leisurely strolls (hardly what I consider cardio) with him while he was little enough to be in the sling/carrier. And I paid a price -- I gained a ton of weight and my health and body are falling apart.

Nowadays, after he plays for 2-3 hrs at a playground and gets his own exercise, it's time for ME to get MY much-needed exercise. I *need* it, and there is no other way for me to get it other than plopping him in the stroller and walking around myself for 30-40 min. I don't have a sitter so I can go to the gym, so the next best thing is pushing a 50-lb stroller and walking up some hills in our neighborhood.

I'm realizing I'm sounding defensive, and I am not lashing out at you, I'm sorry if it's coming across that way. This is just something I really believe in now, and I think it's important for moms to realize that exercise/working out is not a luxury (as many moms may put it on the backburner while they take care of their kids, especially when they're babies). It's ultra important. If only I had paid made more of an effort to exercise during the first few years of his life, I might not be in such bad shape now, and having such a hard time getting rid of excess weight, or regaining my lung capacity, or finding energy, or sleeping, etc etc.

[ElliesMomma]

everybody i know with a 3.5 yo, the kid always wants the parents to play with them. ourselves included.

what has worked for me, though, is having a second child. (haha, and comes with it's own set of challenges as well). but now that baby is 5 months old, and has been awakened from his naps probably 200 or more times, DD (3.5 yo) is *finally* starting to respect his nap time (and the naps i am taking with him b/c i am still so tired -- waking up at night for both children).

during the times that i need to lay down with the baby and sleep for an hour in the middle of the day, or else go back to bed with him and sleep after both kids wake up at 6:30 in the morning, i do leave her with the TV on but she doesn't just sit and watch; instead she sets up all of her dolls and other toys into elaborate, imaginative scenarios, using whatever props she can find around the house. when i wake up, i ask her, what's going on here, and she tells me, so and so is sleeping in their bed, or they are taking a trip to the beach, etc.

so i guess what i'm saying is that after several months of *insisting* on getting a little rest for myself while she is up and refusing to nap, DD 3.5 yo has gotten pretty good at playing and entertaining herself for stretches of 1-2 hours pretty much unsupervised.

(of course getting her to pick up all her dolls and other elaborate props after i wake up is a totally other story!)

and to answer the question of your thread title, how often do i play WITH her during the day... the answer would be that i think i am engaged with her in conversation or play or reading books or otherwise "occupied" with her (with her baby brother in tow) 3-4 hours out of the day. not counting the time we are together out of the house, at the library or wherever. that's 3-4 hours of together time in the house daily. plus excursions.

it's labor intensive and hard work. but i'm told that this phase will pass...