"The" talk

[kittywitty]

After reading the news article about the 9 year old in China that just had a baby, I've decided maybe it's time to talk to my older two (ages 8 & 9) about sex. They've giggled when they've heard the word before, so I think they have a little bit of an idea. But I have NO idea how to have this talk. Is there a book or something for me to read or for them to read that isn't religious?

[mamazee]

It's So Amazing. Geared for that age group, and the book is really good. It's got a comic-strip format that keeps kids engaged.

[lotusdebi]

Originally Posted by mamazee

It's So Amazing. Geared for that age group, and the book is really good. It's got a comic-strip format that keeps kids engaged.

We started with It's Not the Stork when my DS1 was 4 and asking questions (I was pregnant). Now we're using It's So Amazing as part of our homeschool health curriculum. In a couple of years, we'll check out It's Perfectly Normal. My son really loves this series.

[ollyoxenfree]

What kind of knowledge do they have already? What sort of questions have they asked already, and what sort of answers have you given them? Do they think the stork brings babies or they are found in cabbage patches? Are they aware of the anatomical terms for genitalia and reproductive organs.

I wouldn't try to explain everything in a single big TALK. I'd start with introducing some anatomical terms, so they are more familiar. You can give a fairly simple explanation about sexual development/puberty and the mechanics of sexual reproduction - penis/sperm, vagina/uterus/ovum - but at age 8 or 9, they are probably going to have quite a few more questions, and they deserve accurate information.

Where you start with information will depend on how much repair work you have to do because of any misinformation or misunderstandings they have. I would ask them what they already think/know. They may surprise you.

There are lots of books available, from picture books for pre-schoolers to detailed books for teens - just check your bookstore or library. They may be in the parenting/child development reference section.

I'd also include context - whatever your own values and beliefs are - in addition to the basic mechanics. So many embarrassed parents focus on getting through THE TALK about the mechanics, they don't speak frankly about sexual relationships. Some people think it's only for marriage, some think it's a natural physical expression that doesn't require any kind of special relationship between two people. If parents only have one talk with their children about sex, and then flee, it's harder to develop an ongoing conversation about sexual relationships, not just sexual reproduction.

I explained the basics to my fairly young ds when he was 5 or 6, IIRC. He asked what a condom was. He had seen a discarded rubbery bit of garbage in the park and an older boy told him what it was called, and to ask his parents what it is. I discovered that you have to go back a fairly long way with a lot of information before you can explain what a condom is, lol!

Good luck!

[Chicky2]

I agree w/the pp. I have been talking to my kids (girls and boys) since they were 5. Plus we watch alot of animal shows, and there is always mating going on. And we live on a small farm, so they see it every single day out here, lol.

And don't forget that kids need models. Model a great relationship for your kids. That will go a long way.

My mom talked to me when there were all these "16 and pregnant" commercials on tv. I was 10, and she draws quite well, so she just drew pictures. I was so embarassed, lol. But also so curious, and was glad to learn. I really think she should have talked to me way earlier.

I had some dialogue just the other day w/my 11 yo dd when we were breeding our meat rabbits.

ETA: My 21 yo dd says the best birth control (abstinence) was video taping my last birth, lol.

[joyrises]

The studies seem to show that 'later age of first activity' is another benefit of talking to our kids about sex before they reach an age where their peers may be becoming sexually active.

[Evan&Anna's_Mom]

Last year my then 9 YO DS started asking questions about sex and we had the following conversation. It started with a pretty clinical explanation of sexual intercourse with me trying very hard to follow his lead and letting him ask questions. I always promised myself that I would answer their questions honestly and factually and I've been pretty careful about using the correct anatomical names for things and such since they were toddlers.

Just so you are prepared where things might go... This was the conclusion of said conversation.

DS: So why don't you and Dad do sex?
Me: We do, which is why you should knock when the door is closed as night.
DS: Do you like it?
Me (deeply regretting my promise to answer questions and turning purple): Yes
DS: So I have one more question, and it might be really hard.
Me (thinking, ()&*& They get harder than the last one?): OK, shoot.
DS: If Pluto isn't a planet anymore, how come it still revolves around the sun?

[ollyoxenfree]

Originally Posted by ollyoxenfree

I explained the basics to my fairly young ds when he was 5 or 6, IIRC. He asked what a condom was. He had seen a discarded rubbery bit of garbage in the park and an older boy told him what it was called, and to ask his parents what it is. I discovered that you have to go back a fairly long way with a lot of information before you can explain what a condom is, lol!

Good luck!

BTW, I've always been grateful to that older boy for handling the situation so well. He's the son of friends of ours, and at the time was probably a fairly young tween - maybe 9 or even younger - so about the age of the OP's children.

When they found the discarded condom and my ds asked what it was, the boy told ds not to touch it, gave him enough information ("it's a condom") so he could ask us about it, and then told him that he should ask us.

It confirmed for me that it's wise to give children good and accurate information and to help them understand how to use it. That boy could have given my ds a full education, but instead he directed him back to us. In turn, I explained to my dc that although there is nothing shameful about sex, most parents prefer to talk about it first with their children. If their friends had questions and they hadn't yet talked to their own parents, then my dc should tell their friends to ask their parents first. If the parents wouldn't talk about it, then I thought it was okay for my dc to pass on information. Clearly, that's what the other parents must expect to happen at that point.

[Chicky2]

Originally Posted by Evan&Anna's_Mom

Last year my then 9 YO DS started asking questions about sex and we had the following conversation. It started with a pretty clinical explanation of sexual intercourse with me trying very hard to follow his lead and letting him ask questions. I always promised myself that I would answer their questions honestly and factually and I've been pretty careful about using the correct anatomical names for things and such since they were toddlers.

Just so you are prepared where things might go... This was the conclusion of said conversation.

DS: So why don't you and Dad do sex?
Me: We do, which is why you should knock when the door is closed as night.
DS: Do you like it?
Me (deeply regretting my promise to answer questions and turning purple): Yes
DS: So I have one more question, and it might be really hard.
Me (thinking, ()&*& They get harder than the last one?): OK, shoot.
DS: If Pluto isn't a planet anymore, how come it still revolves around the sun?

LOL! That was cute.

I remember when I was 8 mos pg w/my 3rd and my then very young teen asked me (as I was under the table cleaning up a toddler mess and huge, btw) what oral sex is. I seriously bonked my head on the table! Turns out she was going along w/jokes at school about it, and she thought that it wasn't something people really do. She was soooooo grossed out when I explained it to her. I also explained that if she's joking about it like that, some people may think she does it. She was even MORE grossed out at that thought, rofl.

BTW, she has Asperger's, and she was VERY emotionally immature.

[Comtessa]

Originally Posted by Evan&Anna's_Mom

DS: If Pluto isn't a planet anymore, how come it still revolves around the sun?

That totally made my day!!!

I was an introverted and easily embarrassed child. My parents somehow sensed this about me, and instead of giving me "the talk" as a child, they just purchased a series of age-appropriate books on the topic and left them around for me to read. Every so often, if they saw me leafing through one of them, they'd say, "any questions?" and I'd roll my eyes and say "NO!" And that was that. But honestly, I feel like I got really good information at the level I needed, and they found some really good books that represented their values and beliefs so they knew I was learning what they wanted me to know. This totally wouldn't work for a lot of kids, but it was just exactly what worked for me.

FWIW, I [I]still[/] learn everything from books!!

[claddaghmom]

I'm a big believer that procreation, relationships, sex etc should be a part of a child's life, not introduced at a certain age.

I think I'm going to mimic my parents and their general process...get a couple animals! Voila, tons of questions and a non-confrontational way of answering them. We did gerbils, fish, rabbits, dogs, cats etc growing up in suburbia land.

My mom also used her birthing activism to help us out. I did this w/ her younger kids when I was pregnant. They read an awesome book with me (sorry it's at her house) that is secular. It guides the reader through conception and baby development and ends with showing photos of a birth. They also watched tons of birth videos on youtube with me.

One thing that I really enjoyed in my later teens years was Christopher West's seminars and books. But he is very religious so probably not what you're looking for...

[VisionaryMom]

Just another suggestion - I would (we have basic children's anatomy books now) get a couple of books that you leave with them or on the bookshelf. I know I much preferred (still do, really) to take time with books. That will give them the chance to read and ponder without you there.

[JoanCrawford]

It's always awkward talking to your children about sex, but the earlier you start, the easier it will be. Start before they can understand it from a point of view other than your own. And don't make it one talk. Give them little bits slowly at first, then when you feel they're ready, have a frank discussion.

[willowsmom]

My daughter will be 7 this year. We've talked about "where babies come from" quite a bit, and when she asks, I'm honest with her. I would ask them where they think babies come from. Let them start the dialogue with what they "know"...

It IS an awkward conversation sometimes, but with honesty and good communication, it'll work out well. Giggling is ok.

[Lolagirl]

Originally Posted by willowsmom

My daughter will be 7 this year. We've talked about "where babies come from" quite a bit, and when she asks, I'm honest with her. I would ask them where they think babies come from. Let them start the dialogue with what they "know"...

It IS an awkward conversation sometimes, but with honesty and good communication, it'll work out well. Giggling is ok.

I've been doing the same with my two so far, but we have kind of an unusual situation in that they and the new baby were all conceived via IVF. Both boys have only asked specifically how they got into my tummy, and I've told them the basic, barebones truth, that the doctor took my eggs and daddy's sperm, put them together, and then put them back inside my uterus.

But, I know that eventually my kids will have to learn how most other women end up pregnant, and I'm kind of struggling with how to do that without confusing them. And the last thing I would want to do is not be completely honest with them about their own conception, because there is absolutely nothing wrong or embarrasing about it and I wouldn't want to convey that sort of message by not being truthful.

Any thoughts on this one? I could definitely use some input!

[lotusdebi]

Originally Posted by Lolagirl

Any thoughts on this one? I could definitely use some input!

I recommend seeing if "It's Not the Stork" is available at your local library, and looking through that. It includes IVF in an age-appropriate manner. I think it's an excellent book for younger children.

[kittywitty]

I will check out those books, thank you!! Our library has nothing about procreation/sex that isn't super religious and very conservative about it, so I will have to order these. But I had a terrible "talk" from my mother at wayyy too late an age, so I want to address things a little more comfortably and openly with my kids instead of saying "if you ever have sex, I'll kill you."

My oldest three children attended the UC birth of my 4th child, and we read a lot of anatomy books (the Pampers freebie from the doc was the only decent non-religious one we could find!). My oldest (then 7 yo) even took birth pictures. So I know they know *that* part. But we do have animals and have talked about neighborhood cats mating and needing to be fixed since we have run out of homes for the poor little kittens we find. Other than that...sometimes there are vague things in movies we'll watch where you can here them giggle-where people kiss, etc. I usually screen movies but occasionally something will slip by (nothing too showy!).

Originally Posted by Evan&Anna's_Mom

DS: If Pluto isn't a planet anymore, how come it still revolves around the sun?

Originally Posted by BrandiRhoades

Just another suggestion - I would (we have basic children's anatomy books now) get a couple of books that you leave with them or on the bookshelf. I know I much preferred (still do, really) to take time with books. That will give them the chance to read and ponder without you there.

Good idea! My kids are pretty shy and introverted like myself, so I'll try this first.

[Linda on the move]

Originally Posted by kittywitty

Good idea! My kids are pretty shy and introverted like myself, so I'll try this first.

I wouldn't *just* leave the book lying around without reading it (or at least parts of it) outloud with the kids. I think it would give the message that *I* can't handle talking about this stuff.

I wanted to appear totally confident in having these conversations so my kids would know that they could talk to me if/when they wanted to. So I faked it! Having a book to read from rather than having to think up what to say makes it much easier, and once you get over the first shock of using the right words for everything, it's gets easier and easier.

[gentlecowgirl]

Originally Posted by Lolagirl

I've been doing the same with my two so far, but we have kind of an unusual situation in that they and the new baby were all conceived via IVF. Both boys have only asked specifically how they got into my tummy, and I've told them the basic, barebones truth, that the doctor took my eggs and daddy's sperm, put them together, and then put them back inside my uterus.

But, I know that eventually my kids will have to learn how most other women end up pregnant, and I'm kind of struggling with how to do that without confusing them. And the last thing I would want to do is not be completely honest with them about their own conception, because there is absolutely nothing wrong or embarresing about it and I wouldn't want to convey that sort of message by not being truthful.

Any thoughts on this one? I could definitely use some input!

We have quite a few friends queer and straight that conceived through alternate means and I fully intend to include the plethora of ways babies are made. I don't think I will ever have THE TALK because our community is way more interesting. I will be as explicit or vague as I see appropriate. My 2 year old knows the formal names for body parts and I think that is a good start.

I asked at 7 to know exactly how babies are made and I was told. it was rather shocking but I think it was fine. I think menstruation scared me more than anything but seeing how my daughter has seen me go through a rough miscarriage lately she thinks blood coming out of the vagina is the most normal thing. She told me "I bleed too out of my vagina mummy, and I am very good." I almost died of laughter... very healing. Good luck and have a good laugh with your kids about the whole thing, it is rather strange... in a good way.

[Tumble Bumbles]

I am having an issue with 'the talk' as well. I have zero problems talking quite openly about menstruation, proper names of body parts, and all that jazz. DD (almost 5) knows babies grow in uteruses and come out of vaginas, and that males have penises and testicles and females have vulvas, vaginas, and all that good stuff. She can identify her clitoris, even. Okay, swell. Most of this happened quite naturally, since we are a pretty open family and can never bathe or go to the bathroom without a spectator.

It is the sex stuff that kind of skeeves me out a bit. I don't know how to explain the penis going into the vagina to a child in a way that doesn't make me feel awkward.

Suggestions? I am planning on waiting for her questions, but she seems close to asking HOW the baby gets into the uterus.