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"The" talk - Page 2

post #21 of 36
Quote:
Originally Posted by Evan&Anna's_Mom View Post
...

Just so you are prepared where things might go... This was the conclusion of said conversation.

DS: So why don't you and Dad do sex?
Me: We do, which is why you should knock when the door is closed as night.
DS: Do you like it?
Me (deeply regretting my promise to answer questions and turning purple): Yes
DS: So I have one more question, and it might be really hard.
Me (thinking, ()&*& They get harder than the last one?): OK, shoot.
DS: If Pluto isn't a planet anymore, how come it still revolves around the sun?
I just choked on my iced tea. That was brilliant!

OP, that's about how conversations on this topic go with my 6 year old DD too. A few questions leading up to "scary" territory and then an abrupt change of subject.

Don't worry too much. It gets easier as you get into the topic. The hard part is starting.
post #22 of 36
I second and third the book recommendations for "It's Not The Stork" and "It's So Amazing". We've read both since my oldest was about 4 or 5 so my youngest was 2.

They are awesome books, and will make it much easier for you to have the conversation. They do go into alternative methods like IVF and sperm and egg donation and also two mom families and two dad families.
post #23 of 36
I think I will be heading over to Amazon to check out the books. The questions are defiantly coming around here, though no always the ones I expect.

On the walk to school
DD (5) Mummy do mummy cats and Daddy cats do something to make more baby cats?
Me (pausing for thought) Yes
DD Oh, what colour are the cats?
Me (puzzled) All sorts of colours, why?
DD cause there is this boy in my class and he's not the same colour as his mummy.

Not the conversation I was expecting!

The over dinner last week DS (3) was asking about baby growing in mummy's tummies. The expression on DHs face when DS announced that "you and Daddy should make another persons after dinner" was priceless.

So far we have just been answering questions as they arise but I'd like to be ready for them.
post #24 of 36
I don't think it's necessary at a young age to give too much information. Answering questions is good, but you have to be careful not to answer more than their question. For example, if my child asked, "but how does the baby get in there?" I would probably answer, "an seed from daddy and an egg from mommy get together and when they meet a baby starts forming." You don't really need to tell her/him all the mechanics, especially at a young age. At least that's my few cents.

PP- did you take your daughter's suggestion?
post #25 of 36
Quote:
Originally Posted by Tumble Bumbles View Post
I don't know how to explain the penis going into the vagina to a child in a way that doesn't make me feel awkward.
let's all say it together "The penis goes in the vigina. The penis goes in the vigina. The penis goes in the vigina."

Once kids get past the "how babies are made" part and eventually figure out that people have sex -- because it feels good -- it's a different conversation. Kinda makes one miss the good old days when it was about babies and not about the sex drive thing.

Quote:
Originally Posted by beanma View Post
I second and third the book recommendations for "It's Not The Stork" and "It's So Amazing". We've read both since my oldest was about 4 or 5 so my youngest was 2.

They are awesome books, and will make it much easier for you to have the conversation. They do go into alternative methods like IVF and sperm and egg donation and also two mom families and two dad families.
yep. I was going to post this!

Quote:
Originally Posted by LaughingHyena View Post
DD cause there is this boy in my class and he's not the same colour as his mummy.
Too funny!
post #26 of 36
Quote:
Originally Posted by zech13_9_goforgold View Post
I don't think it's necessary at a young age to give too much information. Answering questions is good, but you have to be careful not to answer more than their question. For example, if my child asked, "but how does the baby get in there?" I would probably answer, "an seed from daddy and an egg from mommy get together and when they meet a baby starts forming." You don't really need to tell her/him all the mechanics, especially at a young age. At least that's my few cents.

PP- did you take your daughter's suggestion?
I agree that for a very young age, I would answer the question that was asked as honestly as possible. I would then wait for any follow-up questions. There may be none. I think this tactic is appropriate for pre-schoolers.

The OP has a 9 y.o. though, who is going to be dealing with puberty soon. She may have friends who are menstruating already. I know a few girls who started at age 9. I also know that at this age, they are often starting to be aware of romantic relationships. I think it's appropriate to have in-depth conversations and go further than providing simple, basic answers at this age. I think it's a real disservice to provide only sketchy information to a 9 y.o.

And let's face it. If a parent is uncomfortable having "The Talk" with a 9 y.o., it ain't going to get any easier by waiting until they are 12 or 14 or 16 for an in-depth conversation. The parent is NOT going to get more comfortable. It's likely that the child won't even listen at that point - they'll have no reason to trust the parent to provide honest information.
post #27 of 36
Quote:
Originally Posted by lotusdebi View Post
I recommend seeing if "It's Not the Stork" is available at your local library, and looking through that. It includes IVF in an age-appropriate manner. I think it's an excellent book for younger children.
Thanks for all of the recommendations for this book and It's So Amazing, I will definitely try to get my hands on a copy!
post #28 of 36
Quote:
Originally Posted by Evan&Anna's_Mom View Post

DS: So why don't you and Dad do sex?
Me: We do, which is why you should knock when the door is closed as night.
DS: Do you like it?
Me (deeply regretting my promise to answer questions and turning purple): Yes
DS: So I have one more question, and it might be really hard.
Me (thinking, ()&*& They get harder than the last one?): OK, shoot.
DS: If Pluto isn't a planet anymore, how come it still revolves around the sun?
post #29 of 36
Quote:
Originally Posted by lotusdebi View Post

We started with It's Not the Stork when my DS1 was 4 and asking questions (I was pregnant). Now we're using It's So Amazing as part of our homeschool health curriculum. In a couple of years, we'll check out It's Perfectly Normal. My son really loves this series.
Yeah, those are great. We have them too.
Our kids have known this stuff since they were little, like 2-3. They have siblings, so you know, they ask and we always answer honestly. (On their level.)


Quote:
Originally Posted by Evan&Anna's_Mom View Post
DS: So why don't you and Dad do sex?
Me: We do, which is why you should knock when the door is closed as night.
DS: Do you like it?
Me (deeply regretting my promise to answer questions and turning purple): Yes
DS: So I have one more question, and it might be really hard.
Me (thinking, ()&*& They get harder than the last one?): OK, shoot.
DS: If Pluto isn't a planet anymore, how come it still revolves around the sun?
post #30 of 36
Quote:
Originally Posted by ollyoxenfree View Post
I agree that for a very young age, I would answer the question that was asked as honestly as possible. I would then wait for any follow-up questions. There may be none. I think this tactic is appropriate for pre-schoolers.

The OP has a 9 y.o. though, who is going to be dealing with puberty soon. She may have friends who are menstruating already. I know a few girls who started at age 9. I also know that at this age, they are often starting to be aware of romantic relationships. I think it's appropriate to have in-depth conversations and go further than providing simple, basic answers at this age. I think it's a real disservice to provide only sketchy information to a 9 y.o.

And let's face it. If a parent is uncomfortable having "The Talk" with a 9 y.o., it ain't going to get any easier by waiting until they are 12 or 14 or 16 for an in-depth conversation. The parent is going to get more comfortable. It's likely that the child won't even listen at that point - they'll have no reason to trust the parent to provide honest information.
ITA!

I don't believe in "the talk". It isn't one conversation, when the child is 10 or 12 or a teenager! It is a bunch of little talks, as the child grows up, and their curiosity grows. And then it isn't uncomfortable to the parents, since they have been down the road already.

Growing up my mother occassionally told me "I could come and ask her anything I wanted, she would always answer my questions." But I knew it wasn't REALLY true. Even beginnning questions about babies and sex got vague answers and I could feel my mother's lack of comfort. So I stopped asking at a really young age and got my answers elsewhere. I don't want my kids to get all the answrs elsewhere.

My mother wanted to have "the talk" when I was 18. 18 years old! That is at least 10 years too late.

Ask my 3 yo DD about a pregnant woman, and she will know "there is a baby in her belly. There was an egg and now it's a baby, growing bigger and bigger. Then the mommy is getting bigger too, until she can't get any bigger. Then the baby will come out and be born and drink her milk and go to daycare." Her questions tend to be things like "how does the baby drink milk when it is in the belly?" My DS is 5, and his questions tend to be more about "how does the baby pee and poop in the belly?" so I explained the umbilical cord taking food in and waste out. Then he asked "how does he dry his bottom?" so I talked with him about the baby swimming in "water, sort of like being in the bathtub under warm water, but less room."
post #31 of 36
"THE talk" for me became "THE talk" when dd turned 10 and still hadn't asked HOW the mom's egg and dad's sperm gets mixed up. We'd talked about everything BUT sexuality between two people, and I realized, "Crap. I have to bring this up without following her lead." The kids even have the basic idea of genetics, but never asked about sex. Even when I used the word in conversations about why some children have children (teen pregnancies).

Reading Diapers to Dating was really helpful to me. I realized what made "THE talk" into "THE talk" instead of just "A talk" was that I was giving what seemed to me like momentous information (how intercourse happens, that people have oral sex, and wanting to touch lightly on STDs, rape, birth control, intimacy, and choices) was that I was no longer answering questions, but starting the conversation. And I articulated to myself that there would be many such talks, I just had to jump the hurdle of this one.

So I asked her one night if she knew how the dad's sperm gets to the mom's egg. She didn't. I told her the dad puts his penis inside the mom's vagina, and that the sperm came out the same hole where he pees. She looked a little skeeved. I said "I know it might sound weird, but people do it."

Then I told her I wanted to talk to her about sex, and I thought it was important because some kids think it's a good idea to have sex when they're even as young as she is, and I wanted her to know why it's not a good idea at her age. Told her some of the things 12yo boys had said to me to talk me into it ("If we only do it for 5 minutes .... ") and told her I was glad I knew they were wrong so I didn't make a bad choice. Talked about how some boys and girls think that if you love each other, it means you should have sex, or vice versa. Talked about what to do (again) if someone tries to touch you in a way you don't like, and explained sometimes people your age or grownups or even your friends or family can try to make you do things you don't want to do. (I was sexually abused by a family member and later experienced attempted rape, and was too ashamed to ask for help, so this is an important topic for me.) We talked about her 12yo stepsister's friend who was pregnant, talked about abortion, adoption, teen pregnancy.

The whole conversation lasted less than 10 minutes, I think. Once I got past starting the conversation and telling her *what* sex is, the rest went easily, and I didn't feel pressured. I ended things by asking of she had any questions, and told her we'd talk more about it as she got older, and that it was important to talk about. Gave her suggestions of who she could ask questions of if she had a question and didn't feel like asking me about it.

I really did expect that they'd ask. None of my kids (10, almost 8, almost 6) have ever asked me how the sperm gets in -- they get their early explanation (like when they're 2ish) without details, ask a few questions as they get older, we address masturbation, menstruation, anatomy, genetics ... but sex just never comes up.
post #32 of 36
My oldest is only 6 but I'm wondering about this too. Like the above poster my kids don't tend to ask many questions and I can see this not being brought up by them.
I think morgainesmama hits on what makes this subject tough. When we have to move beyond WHAT sex is to what our attitudes are about sex. What sex is is pretty basic but personally I want to convey to my kids that sex is something we need to do with compassion and respect. I would prefer my kids wait until they are adults (I don't know when that happens exactly).
But I don't want them to feel awkward or ashamed about it. I want them to be careful yet enjoy it in a healthy way.
I have personally known more people who (in my opinion) use sex in an unhealthy way than drugs or alcohol. But I personally feel promiscuity and careless sex can be unhealthy.
There is a whole lot more to sex than penis goes in vagina and sperm comes out and can fertilize an egg. They'll figure out the physical stuff (I mean what if they're gay?) but I would hope I could guide them towards healthy attitudes about it. I don't think pop culture is a good guiding force on this.

As a side note, I think it's important for girls and boys to know about each other's bodies. I once had a friend tell me his girlfriend's uterus "or whatever" vibrated when she had an orgasm so there was no way she was ever faking I was a little confused...I mean does my uterus vibrate?
And there's a whole other issue. But it's really not my place to tell someone how to enjoy sex I guess That they can discover on their own.
post #33 of 36
I think there are a lot of trust issues that come up in this context. I remember asking my mom how babies got in to the mom when I was in 3rd grade. I remember distinctly that we were driving; it was a school day and she was taking me to the dentist or something, so my little brother wasn't in the car. I wanted her to explain sex to me. She kept trying to avoid it. I badgered her and eventually she produced a less-than-adequate response.

For me, it was disappointing because i knew she wasn't being honest with me, and that the topic was not open for further discussion. I think it stands out to me because her lack of honesty really let me down. I'm pretty sure I didn't bring it up again after that.
post #34 of 36
Quote:
Originally Posted by plantmama View Post
There is a whole lot more to sex than penis goes in vagina and sperm comes out and can fertilize an egg.
agreed, but if you can't manage to tell your kids that basic fact about how babies are made, you can't go on to the far more complex topic of human sexuality including things like why it is wrong for an adult to be sexual with a non-adult, even when the non-adult feels like they are all grown up, and that sexual behavoir includes far, far more than just penis-vigina.

How babies are made is the simple part. How to make decisions regarding one's own sexuality is complex.
post #35 of 36
The It's So Amazing books are very good at placing intercourse in context and telling the reader that it does feel good, but it's something for grown-ups to do in a loving relationship. They also go into good touches and bad touches (molestation) and homosexuality. Really, I couldn't ask for a better book(s) on the subject. It makes talking about all the aspects of the subject that much easier.
post #36 of 36
Quote:
Our library has nothing about procreation/sex that isn't super religious and very conservative about it, so I will have to order these.
You can probably order them via Inter-library loan so you don't have to pay for them.
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