Why does she do this and what can I do to help?

[baileyann3]

My 20 month old is very aggressive when she can't have something she wants.

For example, just now- there was a bag on the floor with a few things from the store in it. She was playing around with it. She found a sponge, she wanted to try to get it open. She was ripping it open and I had no problem with it. But then it got stuck and she couldnt get the last of the wrapper off, so she started getting annoyed and then ran up to me and screamed and then slapped me in the face with it. I took the sponge and told her it hurt me when she hit me with it. She can't play with something if shes going to hurt people with it. And I took the sponge away. She got mad and slapped me in the face a few times. I just held my hands out to block telling her that hurt, don't hit, in a stern voice. She then grabbed a huge thing of dish detergent out of the bag and threw it at me. I was just kind of stunned and looked at her with this stunned face and she walked away.

Just now, like 3 minutes later she was trying to pull the cord out of the computer and I said please dont pull the cord and put my hand over it and she hit my hand and the computer a bunch.

Is this normal? She has never seen anyone hit anyone in her entire life. I dont get where all this anger is coming. I always tell her its fine to be angry but its never okay to hit. Is it just a stage? Is there anything I can do?

[betsyj]

It sounds like frustration. My son is only a week younger and when he can't get something to work the way he thinks it ought to work becomes super upset.

I would have taken the sponge away. I am confused as to how she was able to slap you though. Were you holding her after she hit you with the sponge? I would have taken the sponge and put it away-this would have allowed me to remove myself from her area.

I am certainly sympathetic to how hard it is for ds sometimes but I also let him know that hitting or pinching me means I am withdrawing for a minute or two from him. When he is this upset it really isn't a teachable moment ya know? So, I prevent me being hit, and model gentle touches at other times when he is able to hear and be receptive.

[baileyann3]

I was sitting on the couch and she was with the bag on the floor so she just stood up and wacked me.. I saw she was getting frustrated that she couldnt get the sponge out but I was trying not to get involved. Let her figure it out, or ask for help like she usually does. Instead she just up and swung it at me, I was kinda bent over my legs watching her.

Usually I just say please no hitting, use gentle touches and either put her down or walk away. This usually defuses the situation enough that she won't continue into a fit and I feel like she understands. But it hasn't stopped her from doing it the next time.

I wish I could find her other way to express that emotion. She used to do this heavy breathing thing but hasn't done it in awhile. She was get angry and then do this heavy bull-like breathing and then seem to feel better. That is certainly much better than this.

[betsyj]

Well it is a pretty normal stage for most toddlers so she probably will continue to do it. I am finding with my son what I am doing in the moment may work, but it doesn't transfer to other moments down the road. I know he will get there but for now he needs to be reminded each time to not hit or pinch.

I try to walk a fine line between letting him figure stuff out without melting down. I will step in when I can see he is really getting upset and help with whatever is the problem.

[Joliem]

My son is 18 months and has been biting and pulling my hair recently. I have tried everything! Recently my nanny told me to try a time out for at least a minute and a half in his crib with the light on. I was nervous to do this because I don't want him to hate his bed . I tried anyways, because nothing else was helping. Within a day or two he has really cut down on biting me when he is frustrated! I watch him come at me with his mouth open...and then...he changes his mind! YAY! Hopefully, it lasts Good luck and hopefully this helps...
Jolie

[sgmom]

I also agree that it sounds like frustration. My advice would be to simply remain calm. The calmer you are in offering help, the quicker she'll be to accept it (without all the drama).

It's also possible that she's trying to tell you something, and the frustration isn't coming from the not being able to do what she wants (like pull the cord, or remove the wrapper on the sponge). I'd first evaluate if there have been any changes around the home and/or her daily schedule, and go from there.

[Ell-Bell]

Originally Posted by baileyann3

My 20 month old is very aggressive when she can't have something she wants.

For example, just now- there was a bag on the floor with a few things from the store in it. She was playing around with it. She found a sponge, she wanted to try to get it open. She was ripping it open and I had no problem with it. But then it got stuck and she couldnt get the last of the wrapper off, so she started getting annoyed and then ran up to me and screamed and then slapped me in the face with it. I took the sponge and told her it hurt me when she hit me with it. She can't play with something if shes going to hurt people with it. And I took the sponge away.

I can relate to her frustration when she couldn't get the sponge open! I hate struggling with stuff like that and have felt like throwing things because of it before. Difference is that I'm 36 and have the impulse control that a 2 year old doesn't have!

I would have said, "Ouch, that hurt me! It seems like your frustrated, would you like help getting the rest of the wrapper off the sponge?" then helped her, and given it back to her. Perhaps the empathy and assistance would have prevented the rest of the issues that came up after.

It sounds like she might need some time to re-connect with you. When my son messes with the computer while I'm working on it it's usually his way of telling me that he'd like some attention from me. Grocery shopping can be a stressful time, maybe having a chance to play one on one, get her love cup filled, be silly (maybe some time throwing things safely?), etc. might help.

[Ravenlunatic]

I haven't read the other replies but I'm sure you have gotten some good advice. Mine is probably not the most gentle advice, but I do give it in hind sight.

I'm not sure why we insist on saying 'please'. I have done that for many, many months and I think it is misleading. To us, as parents too.

In the example you gave of the pulling of the phone cord, instead of 'please don't do that' replace it with - you may not do that it isn't safe.

Give instructions firmly without emotion and repeat them over and over and over. Removing the child from the situation after the 3rd time. Not to punishment, but to redirection.

I think as parents we think we always have to be 'nice and polite' to teach these to our children. IN my case it is just more enabling, ha, I need to take my own advice.

[sgmom]

Originally Posted by Ravenlunatic

I'm not sure why we insist on saying 'please'. I have done that for many, many months and I think it is misleading. To us, as parents too.

In the example you gave of the pulling of the phone cord, instead of 'please don't do that' replace it with - you may not do that it isn't safe.

My daughter is 16 months old, so she's still learning impulse control. In response to this, I also don't ask "please", but instead of saying "don't", I use "thank you". In the case of the cord (or something dangerous) I might say "Oh no!! Danger! Thank you!", and help her top stop. Or if I were to catch her before the act, I would say "No no, baby. That's dangerous. No touching, thank you."

Or if I do ask, instead of "don't" I'd say "Get off the table, please" (she loves to climb on our coffee table).

I don't always ask please, and I try to never tell her "don't do that", but I ALWAYS thank her for stopping. Even if I have to stop her and she's not happy about it.

As much as I dislike using the word "don't", even more I dislike using "can't". Can't drives me batty, but that's for another thread.

[baileyann3]

Thanks for all the great insight ladies. I realize this is a long road, and "discipline" does not come naturally for me. I'm so much of a practical mind, so when she does something that just doesn't make any sense, sometimes its hard for me to think "well, shes a baby, and babies don't always do what makes sense"- you know?


I do understand the "dont say please because your not asking" sort of thing, but I'm not sure I agree. This specific example was not one of sheer emergency. She was pulling at the cord, but its one of the magnet ones, so it would have just pulled out. I needed her to know that she shouldn't be doing it, but I didn't want to scare the daylights out of her. I used a firm voice, but said please. I didn't say "could you" or would you" I said "DO NOT" but used please because a sincere please, I believe, is necessary with any request, especially one that is more like a demand. I want to show her that even when someone "pulls rank" they still can do it nicely.