Annnnd....here it comes. - Page 2

[aricha]

Originally Posted by sunflowers

So tell me if I might need a break nad if I were in an intact relationship would you all say that "DH" needs to step up once in a while....

I'm not saying no one needs a break, whether they are single-parenting 8 kids under age 5, or they are parenting a 10 year old with their partner. Absolutely, everyone needs a break.

I was simply pointing out that the mother in this case is not with her child 24/6 as people seemed to be saying. And my husband, who DOES parent 24/7 (and handles most of the cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, etc), definitely feels like I get a break from childcare every day while I go to work without any children. He would certainly see it as an amazing gift to have 24 child-free hours every single weekend.

ProtoLawyer, it's probably somewhat helpful that you know where this reaction is coming from so you guys don't take it as personally. I find it much easier to handle the fallout when I see it coming and know what she is reacting to. Right now we are feeling the start of something, but we don't have any idea what it is... it makes it a little harder when you can't attribute it to something concrete. (Of course, in that case I just make something up to help me keep me "zen"... ) Good luck! Hope it passes quickly...

[Oh the Irony]

Originally Posted by aricha

I'm not saying there's no reason for her to want a break, I'm just pointing out that her situation is very different than, say, a stay-at-home parent with a toddler in need of constant supervision.

As Momily and sunflowers have pointed out, it really can be MORE stressful for a single parent. When you are at home all day you at least have the benefit of being with your child the whole day--you have plenty of quality time. You can find a way to take a break--pop in a video and lay down with the child, go to the park and plop on the bench with a book, etc. It's also easier to involve child in cleaning and meals because you don't have to rush everything.

When you do the above schedule that Sunflowers mentioned it really wears you down. It has to be very regimented to keep everything moving. You don't always get the quality fun time with your child. And sometimes, when you have the chance, you would prefer to sleep. That can add an element of guilt as well...

Proto, that doesn't surprise me that she has some mental health issues. It makes it harder to let go of things. I'm sure it brings up a lot of anxiety, resentment, grief and uncertainty for her. But she's been in a decent place with you all before so I think she'll come around again. Just be patient, kind and if it continues look at more boundaries.

I would not use it as a passive-aggressive way to seek more custody. (Not that I saw you inclined to do that.)

You have also mentioned that you get over the biggest issues pretty quickly. So it sounds like you get pissed, think about it, and then calm down pretty quick. When you react, you are giving her emotional control over you. Could you work on not reacting?? I wonder if she truly didn't punch everyone's buttons if she would continue?

Could your husband try to transition more to email? That way he would have time to investigate before answering and it wouldn't punch her buttons. Or, if he is on the phone, I wonder if there is some way to word that he needs a minute that won't trigger her. Sometimes the way things are phrased has a huge impact. Maybe you could find some ideas in Non-Violent Communication. This does seem to be related to her fear of not being "first".

[ProtoLawyer]

On the Irony, thanks for the book recommend--I've seen it mentioned here before; I should look into it.

I also don't react in her presence--I know it's still giving her power over me, but she doesn't see the reaction.

It does seem that the triggers are moving targets, though--once she got mad at my husband for answering the question, "what time does the party start and end?" with "it's at 1, and the invitation didn't say when it ended." Apparently this was disrespectful because "it's at 1" is not the same thing as "it begins at 1." Maybe the book would be helpful.

And no, he'd never use this as an excuse to change custody--he'd be speaking with his lawyer if there was a harmful situation (as I'm sure most anyone would), but this isn't even close.

[~PurityLake~]

Originally Posted by sunflowers

Lord knows my house could stand an hour every day of cleaning!

With us home all day, our home could stand a couple hours cleaning every day!!! But it doesn't get it.