GD / UP way to deal with morning struggles

[fustian]

My DD, 28 months, is struggling with us every morning that we have to take her to daycare. She's in daycare 2 full days and 2 half days a week, making four mornings where we have to get up and get going. Once we get up in the morning and she knows she's going to daycare she flat out refuses to do anything and cries about how she doesn't want to go. For instance, this morning she didn't want to change out of her wet diaper, didn't want to change out of her PJs, didn't want to go downstairs ... etc. etc. etc.

Some of these things I can let slide. I would prefer her to wear clothing to daycare, but if she wants to wear PJs it won't kill her (she refuses to wear clothing to bed, so that little trick doesn't work for us). However, I can't really send her off with a sopping wet diaper. And she needs to get downstairs and into the car for us to leave.

These mornings are making me feel like the worst parent in the world, as I end up having to force her into a clean diaper, and physically manhandle her into her car seat. I tell her that I understand how much she wants to stay home with me, and that I wish I could stay home with her too, but that I have to work some days. I try to give her simple choices to make about clothing and breakfast. I've tried a playful parenting approach (this is probably my default parenting approach, but I've tried several games without success here). I've tried waking up earlier and earlier so that we have some play time together before we go. But she's happy only during playtime in her PJs and diaper - once we start pushing issues that could result in leaving the house at some point she starts into a tantrum. DD is very verbal and extremely tenacious. I can sometimes distract her for a while by doing something else, but she'll get right back into her protests once the distraction is over. (For example, we can stop the tantrum by reading a book after having put on a clean diaper, but once we reach the last few pages the tantrum starts gearing up again )

When we pick her up from daycare she seems to have had a good day. She's eager to come home with us, but talks about the things she did that day with good humour and tells us she likes the children there. (She's in a small at home daycare with two other children).

We've had a really hard time with her and separation anxiety. It took a long time for her to be integrated there (it was four months before she started speaking at the daycare, and even now she's much more reserved there than at home). This is our second daycare provider, and both places required a long adjustment period. I really like this provider, and DD seems comfortable with her when I spend time with them together.

This situation is breaking my heart. What should I be doing so I don't end up physically forcing my daughter to do things every morning?

[Ell-Bell]

I'm so sorry! I can absolutely relate to the morning struggle. It sounds like you are doing what you can- it can be so hard to "force" things that just have to be done.

My first thought was, be creative. My son is older, almost 4 now, but he has the choice at night of sleeping in PJ's, his clothes (we ususally wears comfortable cotton pants and a tshirt), or changing into his school clothes the night before so he doesn't have to change in the morning. It sounds crazy, but it is totally worth not having the battle in the morning. It sounds like by letting her go to daycare in her PJ's you are already "thinking outside the box".

Have you read "Playful Parenting" by Lawrence Cohen? There are some great tips and real life examples in that book about ways you can make things fun. There is also a thread here where people post their Playful Parenting "games". I think this could totally help with getting in the car and also with the diaper changing. Off the top of my head, things like, "Let's show teddy bear how to change a diaper" or start by being silly and putting the diaper on your head, "Is this where it goes?" then on her head, "Is this where it goes?" then different places until finally you get it on her correctly. We also have a tilted mirror over our changing table that DS liked to look at while changing, that made it fun.

One of the games that we played while getting in the car was for me to walk outside and say loudly, "I wonder what (teachers name) will think if I arrive without max!?! They will be so surprised that he isn't in the car..." and pretend that I don't see him sneaking into his car seat. Then I always act super shocked when I see him in my rear view mirror.

You might also try, "Whatever you do... DON"T get into your car seat. I'm just going to lock the front door (or get something out of my purse, or put on chapstick, or something) and whatever you do... DON"T get in the car seat!" I say this in a playful way that lets him know it's really ok. Larry Cohen says in his book sometimes you might need to whisper "It's really ok if you get in the car seat, it's part of the game" then go back to letting her be sneaky about it. Act super surprised that she tricked you and got in the car without you knowing!

I also think you could try some role playing with dolls or legos or cars who don't want to change their diapers. Make it silly, let her play both sides. Just acting it out with her might alleviate some of the anxiety.

I also find that having extra time in the morning helps me be patient and more creative. I can sit and play for awhile before it becomes imperative that we get dressed. You might let her play in a wet diaper for 15 minutes, then move towards the change.

And I have definitely had times where there was the battle, and I had to "force" the diaper change, or a crying kiddo into the car seat. It totally sucks. When it gets to this point I always try to empathize while I'm doing it, "I know you don't want to change your diapers. You wish you could stay in them all day long! I understand. I don't want you to get a rash, so we just have to do this. I know it's hard." etc. Oh, that's another thing that works with my son, exaggerating while empathizing. Like, "I know you wish you didn't have to go to school today. You wish we could hang out and play all day long! We would play and play and play, and people at my work would say, 'Where's Ellie?!?" and I'd say, "I'm playing with Maximus ALL DAY LONG!"... then we'd giggle, and maybe I'd end by saying something like "I can't wait until the weekend when we can do that!"