Any Foster-Adopt Happy Endings?

[minniemonster]

Hi Mamas,

We have recently been approved for foster adopt. DH works pretty regular hours and travels during the school year. I am a SAHM. We have 2 little guys, DS#1 is 7, in first grade, has some learning/behavior issues. DS#2 is 3 and has been very easy, pleasant, happy. We were looking to foster adopt a sibling group, hopefully younger than DS#2. We have a potential match with a sib group, girls that are 2 and 6 months. There has been some prenatal drug exposure, the 2 year old is in attachment therapy that will need to continue after placement. We don't know much more at this point.

I am starting to get scared at the prospect of bringing these little girls into our home. The last thing we would want to do is damage the family unit that we have now. All 4 grandparents are asking us to reconsider. This is putting doubt into our minds. I just keep reading about horror stories of RAD and how it upsets families and marriages. I am also worried about the effect it will have on our children's security as I will have to share my attention with 4 kids. And then there is the laundry! LOL

So, what I would love to hear are some happy endings with blending bio and adopted families. That RAD can be managed and doesn't end up tearing a family apart!

TIA!

[MissinNYC]

I don't have experience with RAD, so I can't help you there. But we are adopting our foster son and it's been wonderful. We had two kids, ages 3 and 6, when my son was placed with us, and he's been such a blessing to us. He has some serious special needs (medical) but my girls have been nothing but loving and accepting of him and all the "stuff" that goes along with a foster kid (social worker visits, therapies, etc). I have literally not heard one word of complaint about him in the almost 2 years we've had him. Of course it's an adjustment to add another person to your family- I think you should assume things will be crazy and chaotic for a while, going from 2 to 4 kids. But if you line up support systems (like ask for meals from your church or friends), save up cash for takeout, if cooking os too much for a little while, see if your DH can save up a little time off to help out, line up grandparents to help out with the other kids, etc, it will help.

Maybe I am being too Suzy Sunshine about it, but I would imagine with such young kids you can work through almost anything with enough love and patience.

Good luck to you.

[MissinNYC]

Whoops I thought of a few more things.
1. Get as much info as you can from the current foster parents and social worker about the kids' behaviors. Ask specifically about violence, sexuality, language, etc.

2. Get as munch info as you can about the kids' life before placement- sometimes they will let you read the files or the history.

3. Either way you will get some visits to see if it's a good match before anthing permanent happens. Those can be helpful to see if there's a good fit, but of course they can be misleading.

4. If you are doing foster-adopt there may well be a subsidy, and you can use that money to help out with the transition. LIke, you could hire someone to do the laudnry for a few months, or to help clean/babysit/cook for a while so you can focus on the new kids' needs (and your bio kids, too).

[Armom]

I have not btdt, so dont have a happy ending to share with you. I did want to add one more piece of the advice to the above because I think it is great advice...I would also want to the therapist the 2 yr old is doing attachment therapy with. I would ask how the 2 yr old is doing, how the therapist sees the 2 yr old's ability to attach to you, what the therapist thinks the 2 yr olds' progosis is and what, if anything, the therapist thinks you can do to increase the chances of the best possible outcome.

I do think its possible this could be great, but I think the input from the therapist is important in your decision making on both the placement and how to move forward.

Best wishes!

[Tigerchild]

Can you define what you mean by "happy ending"?

I know quite a few F-t-A families. I don't know a single one that didn't have some kind of speedbump in their process and adjustment, don't know a single one that didn't have some kind of struggle--but I also don't know anyone who regrets it.

I would say that most people I know have learned how to be happy in the moment. But it's not like things stay the same forever. Prenatal exposure *can* have some long range impacts on the teen and young adult years--but then again, even your biological kids are not guaranteed to not have a crisis or difficult years at some point in their lives.

I would say if you've already got a kiddo with some behavior challenges that you should not expect that he won't struggle during the adjustment period and not get more challenging at some point. It's not guaranteed that he will, of course, but you kind of have to prepare yourself for that.

And your family may just be reacting to stereotypes of foster care kids (not altogether undeserved) or they may be expressing concern for your ability to handle it because of the children already in your home. Hard to say. Have you asked them point blank what their concerns are? Do you think that some of them are worth consideration and adding to your plan about? Have you asked them for support and less forecasting?

I would blow off the opinions of two sets of the grandparents in our family, but if my MIL were to express concern, I might not like it but since I think that in most situations she is a good touchpoint, I would take a look at her her concerns. I think it's never NOT a good thing to prepare and get info.

[Polliwog]

I "think" we are doing extremely well. My son came to me at 27 months (after having been in a foster home and then with a relative for a total of six months.) His transition was really seamless. There were no adjustment issues at all. He has been just a typical kid for the most part. He was, however, just diagnosed with ADHD and tends to get overstimulated pretty easily. But, he's a happy and fun kid to be around. His birth parents have some big mental health issues, though. I'm still trying to figure out how to parent at child with ADHD since I was also diagnosed with the condition (as an adult.)

My foser daughter came to me at 9 months after having been in another foster home for six weeks. Her transition was seamless as well. She's been a happy, relatively easy-going child. She turns three this month. I was concerned for a while that she wasn't attached to me since she was happy when she was with me and happy when I was gone. It took my going away for a weekend (to a FC conference,) for things to click. Now, she's fully attached. Her birth mother has huge mental health, substance abuse and other issues but there are no signs of problems for Polliwog. She's smart as a whip.

You definitely need to ask more questions. Attachment therapy doesn't mean RAD. I know families that have "graduated" from attachment therapy and doing fine. And others who are having a harder journey. My son's older sister has had the hardest journey of the three bio-siblings but now that she's got her forever family that is completely dedicated to her and getting her the supports she needs, she's doing a lot better.

[minniemonster]

Thank you, dear friends!
Your advice has been so generous and compassionate. We are open to looking at these little ones. Even if we are not chosen for these girls, I know that another child (children) can bless our home!