What do you tell your kids about dying?

[snoopy5386]

My grandmother's cat died on Friday and now I guess DD has death/dying on the mind. She wasn't close with the cat or anything, had only seen it a few times as my grandmother lives 3.5 hours away. Last night DH said she was asking him questions about dying at bedtime and today she started asking me on the drive home from a friends house. Poor kid was hysterically sobbing in her carseat going on and on about how she didn't want to die, how she didn't want me or DH to die, etc. I'm not sure where to go with this. We're not really religious/spiritual people and I don't think she's looking for that aspect either. She was asking questions like:
Am I going to die?
Are you/daddy going to die?
Is our cat going to die?
When are we going to die?

I told her that she/us was not going to die for a very, very, very long time but she wasn't happy with this answer - I told her most people don't die until they are very old and sick.....she started saying that kids don't die and mommies and daddies don't die. Should I go with that? I know it isn't really true and we could all drop dead tomorrow. I don't want to give her the wrong impression, but at the same time I don't want her to think one of us is going to die at the drop of a hat. Then she started going through all the people we know and asking if they are young or old, I guess trying to figure out who might die next...I'm really at a loss here, I feel very blindsided by this. I'd appreciate any advice, book suggestions, etc.

[ZoshaMosha]

We go with the concept of reincarnation at this house, which really delights my 4 yo daughter. "Mommy, will that crushed bug move into a new body?"

[MusicianDad]

We answer the questions honestly.

Am I going to die? Eventually
Are you/daddy going to die? Eventually
Is our cat going to die? Eventually
When are we going to die? Probably not for a really, really long time.

For the kids/mommy/daddy don't die, I would stick with generally speaking they don't die. If she asks for further explination, I would discuss illness and how some people do get really, really sick and die. With emphasis on the really, really part.

The only thing I would avoid at this point is accidental death, just because I can see that one backfiring in a big way.

[Cascadian]

We also strongly believe in reincarnation and karma, and this really seems to delight my kids, and comfort them when they hear about deaths (on the news, friends, animals, etc.) I never 'hid' death or the concept, and they never really focussed on it as an unnatural and scary thing. I get the 'who do you think I'll come back as next time' and 'who was I before I was your baby?' comments, and it opens up a whole world of creativity and imagination

[fritz]

My 4.5yo DS and I had some of these conversations a few months ago. DS is sort of a scientist by nature, fascinated by anatomy, and not super emotional. So although he cried a bit contemplating our eventual deaths, he was nowhere near hysterical. Sounds like your DD is of a different temperament, so I'm not sure that how we handled our son will be that useful for how you handle it with your daughter, but here goes:

I told my DS very matter of factly that everybody/everything eventually dies. That's how our world works. After that, DS didn't ask if we were going to die, he just repeated that he didn't want us to die. So I empathised with him, telling him that we didn't want to die, but it was still going to happen someday. Lots of hugs, kisses, and cuddles. I also emphasized that most people die of old age/illness. I felt compelled to acknowledge that sometimes accidents happen and people can die when they're young and healthy (he'd recently seen roadkill); nobody knows when they're going to die. Then I focused on talking about how we try to enjoy our lives while we've got them; we eat healthy foods, get fresh air and exercise; wear our seatbelts; drive carefully; get adequate rest, etc. We try to be safe while still having fun--looking both ways before we cross the street when we're outside on a walk. It's no fun worrying about dying all the time. We do what we can to stay safe and healthy, but we don't live our lives in fear.

I also made mention of different funerary practices, and a few different religious views on the afterlife. DS is big into recycling, so I emphasized the reincarnation angle (we're not particularly religious either). I don't think he fully got it, but it seemed to address his concerns.

Some kids find it reassuring that you've got a plan in place in case you and/or DH die before your time: telling your child who will be taking care of them, or what the living arrangements would be let them know there's a safety net in place. We recently renewed our life insurance policies, so DS wanted to know why the strangers (nurses) were in our house and why they took blood samples, etc. I told him the purpose of life insurance, and linked it back to our previous discussions.

My DS has already been exposed to a variety of movies that involve death; after we started talking more about death, though, I picked up as many books from our library as I could find on the topic (which really wasn't many), but those weren't the only books we were reading. I wanted to provide him with a bunch of different exposures to the topic, but without making it our sole focus.

HTH!

[newbymom05]

My 4.5 y/o went through some intense questioning about death recently. I gave him a very simplified version of Heaven (we're Christian) and told him that he/we wouldn't die for a long, long, long time, esp since none of his gp's have died yet and they're old! I thought about being more realistic regarding illness and accidental death, but then decided, why? If it comes up, I'll certainly address it, but I didn't want to give my very imaginative preschooler more than necessary.

[Althetrainer]

Learning about death

I told my son about heaven too. When he was 5, a baby magpie died in our yard. He was very upset so I had to explain to him about life and death. He seemed to be all right when he realized the bird had gone to a better place. We even had a funeral for the bird. I lined a cereal box with colorful tissue paper and fern, put the bird inside, dug a hole in the backyard, made a cross for its grave. We had a short ceremony of songs and prayers for the baby magpie.

I believe when opportunity presents itself we should take advantage to talk to our young children about death. My in-laws are both in their late 80's and sooner or later little man will have to deal with a death in the family. The experience with the death of a bird is a good chance to prepare him for the incident to come.

Al

[Wild Lupine]

Originally Posted by snoopy5386

She was asking questions like:
Am I going to die?
Are you/daddy going to die?
Is our cat going to die?
When are we going to die?

Different kids can ask these same questions for very different reasons. Sometimes they are trying to figure out basic facts of life and death other times they are asking out of fear of potential loss (among other possibilities).

I think how you answer depends upon why she is asking. What seems to be the most important thing to her in this, acceptance of mortality, fear of separation, worries about being left without a caretaker?

While I definitely agree with the PP that honesty is always best, and that we are all going to die eventually, the follow up can depend upon what your daughter's needs are right now. Is it to know how her cat would be honored and remembered if it were to die; is she wondering who would take care of her if you died; is she needing to deal with the strong emotions the thought of loss and separation can bring? Ask her gently why she's asking and you might get a good idea of where to go with the conversation.

[beanma]

I really like this explanation/analogy of death: http://iul.com/raindrop/ , though be warned the website was apparently made in 1995 and it looks it. The idea is good, though. It likens the individual to a raindrop and our life to the part where we're falling from the cloud (where we were born) until we hit the ground (death). At that time we merge with all the other raindrops into puddles and rivulets, etc.

There are a lot of good books out there about death for kids, but beware because a lot of them are grief books also and you probably don't want to go there yet. Your children's librarian probably has a lot of resources for you.

[fritz]

You had asked for book recommendations, and last night we just read one that we both enjoyed. Basic plot is the life cycle of a tree. It's called A Grand Old Tree by Mary Newell DePalma.

[Jessy1019]

IME, kids go through a phase of concern about death/dying when they are your daughter's age. Both of mine did, and yes, they were upset about it (though never crying/sobbing) -- but lying to them isn't going to do any good, and when they realize you lied, it's going to make things even worse.

I always told mine that I hope and expect that we will all be around for a very long time, but that we really don't know and that's why we have to enjoy every day that we have.

Both my kids had pretty intense interest for awhile and brought it up a lot in the course of a few months, and then the interest died down. My son is 4 and my daughter is 7, and it really doesn't come up anymore unless someone we know actually dies.

[SweetPotato]

I'll recommend the book "The Fall of Freddie the Leaf"-- beautiful story. My dd is 4 and we've had these conversations as well. She understands that someone/animal dies when their body is so broken or so sick that it can't be fixed. We're not religious, but have told her that some people believe that our souls live on even after our body dies. She remains quite concerned for our dog, but we generally try to respond to her worries about us by talking about how fortunate we are to be healthy, and how we need to work to keep our bodies strong for a long, long time.

[Rsmom]

Wow...I went through this a few motnhs ago with my DD (who is 5). Back in the summer, DH's uncle passed away unexpectedly. The only time she'd heard about death before that was when she asked where my Mom lived, and I told her in Heaven. She asked how she died and stuff. My Mom died about 4 months before she was born, so I think it was different because she never met her. Anyway, after DH's uncle died she got freaked out and was always asking questions (he fell and had head trauma, so she'd keep asking me if she hits her head will she die and stuff like that). It stopped for a little while and then one day she came home from school and asked me if she was going to die. I wanted to throw up. I told her "everyone dies eventually" and tried to leave it at that. Then she asked me if DH and me would die. I repeated myself and hoped she'd leave it go. I know that sounds horrible, but I have trouble dealing with death myself, and I can't imagine a 4/5 year old's perspective on it. Anyway, I went back to what I was doing and she started sobbing and saying over and over "I don't want to die. I don't want to die. If I die I won't be with you anymore" It broke my heart. I comforted her, told her that she hopefully wouldn't have to worry about it for a while and to try not to think about it. Then...I went to a separate room and bawled my eyes out.

[pixiekisses]

Originally Posted by MusicianDad

We answer the questions honestly.

Am I going to die? Eventually
Are you/daddy going to die? Eventually
Is our cat going to die? Eventually
When are we going to die? Probably not for a really, really long time.

For the kids/mommy/daddy don't die, I would stick with generally speaking they don't die. If she asks for further explination, I would discuss illness and how some people do get really, really sick and die. With emphasis on the really, really part.

The only thing I would avoid at this point is accidental death, just because I can see that one backfiring in a big way.

Yeah, that.