Upset with the way SO disciplines DD while I'm at work

[aaronsmom]

So, I was a SAHM from the time I got pg with DD until recently. I got a job last thursday and SO watches the kids while I work.
I got home today to him complaining about every little thing the kids did. Already not something I want to come home to.
Then he continues to tell me that he put 2 yo DD in time out several times because she was "whining for mommy"! WTF? Of course she's going to "whine" for me! She's not used to me being gone.
Then he said she got upset and threw her sippy cup. He took it away (acceptable) but then told me when I got home that she wouldn't be getting anything to drink for the rest of the day. Uh, no. Depriving a child of liquids is neglect! I'm ready to drive my kids to my grandmother's every morning before work and he can just stay here with his son.
What should I do?

[Ell-Bell]

Wow, that sounds really rough! I agree with your concerns. I also know it can be hard to talk with SO about parenting things without it coming across as bossy, or that I'm a know it all. It can take some tack.

My DH prefers specific suggestions instead of philosophical discussions. You might say something like, "I know it's really hard to hear her whine. I have found that taking the time to get down on her level and let her know that you understand, give her a hug and empathy, seems to work for me." or "I agree that if she consistently throws the sippy cup, we need to take it away. But maybe we can do something preventative, like saying, 'it looks like you really want to throw, let's play catch with a ball!" instead of bringing up a whole discussion about his parenting.

DH and I both went to a Connection Parenting class when DS was really small before any challenges came up. We have also watched Unconditional Parenting DVD together. DH isn't a reader, so I found that the class and especially the DVD were just the thing. I would wait until things had settled down, and make it about the two of you being consistent, and wanting to grow together as parents. Then suggest a parenting class (there are some online) that you feel lines up with your philosophies.

There are also some good podcasts/mp3's if you guys like to go that route. Pam Leo has her book Connection Parenting on MP3 download, and it's a great basic intro. I also love the Unconditional Parenting DVD.

[Gentle~Mommy :)]

I know how he acted was wrong, but this is just the first week and BIG adjustment for everyone, for the kids with you gone, for you, for him... maybe cool down and talk about it again and hopefully tomorrow will go better.

Is this the first time he has had to care for them without you? Maybe he is overwhelmed, no one does it all as good as Mom

[aaronsmom]

Originally Posted by Gentle~Mommy :)

I know how he acted was wrong, but this is just the first week and BIG adjustment for everyone, for the kids with you gone, for you, for him... maybe cool down and talk about it again and hopefully tomorrow will go better.

Is this the first time he has had to care for them without you? Maybe he is overwhelmed, no one does it all as good as Mom

It's the first time he's taken care of them for more than an hour, yes. However, we've always had these parenting differences. He feels that because he disciplines his son in this way that my children should be disciplined the same. He just wasn't able to do that when I wasn't working, for obvious reasons.

[hipumpkins]

do you have anything you can compromise on? I am not meaning the discipline part b/c yes those are unreasonable by your DH..
For us when I went back to work I had to compromise on "screen time" b/c my DH just does not have it in him to handle them for hours on end. so the kids get to watch a movie when I work , which is sometimes 4x a week. This is not something I like but it was worth giving in on b/c buys DH time and allows him to be more patient b/c the kids are occupied.
We also have several conversations about discipline b/c Dh falls back on the way he was parented but he made great strides in being more understanding (even though he is totally faking it).
Maybe if you give DH some specific ways to handle things he will have some tools to use.
I think it's a little harder for you b/c from reading your post your DH may be using seniority in raising children since he already has an older child.
Good luck!

[aaronsmom]

Originally Posted by hipumpkins

do you have anything you can compromise on? I am not meaning the discipline part b/c yes those are unreasonable by your DH..
For us when I went back to work I had to compromise on "screen time" b/c my DH just does not have it in him to handle them for hours on end. so the kids get to watch a movie when I work , which is sometimes 4x a week. This is not something I like but it was worth giving in on b/c buys DH time and allows him to be more patient b/c the kids are occupied.
We also have several conversations about discipline b/c Dh falls back on the way he was parented but he made great strides in being more understanding (even though he is totally faking it).
Maybe if you give DH some specific ways to handle things he will have some tools to use.
I think it's a little harder for you b/c from reading your post your DH may be using seniority in raising children since he already has an older child.
Good luck!

Just to clarify, his son is the same age as my daughter (2 yo).
I try very hard to compromise with him. He gets very defensive when I try. But sometimes I just have to lay down the law when it comes to my kids, ykwim?

[boheime]

That's abusive behavior. I wouldn't leave my children with him.

[aaronsmom]

Originally Posted by boheime

That's abusive behavior. I wouldn't leave my children with him.

After calming down and thinking things through rationally, I've come to the same conclusion. My children will be going to my grandmother's today while I work and every other day that I work. I've already discussed it with her.
A little OT for the GD forum, but I'm not sure how long this relationship can last with such drastic differences in parenting philosophy.

[heartmama]

Realistically, I don't see how you can have one set of parenting techniques for his two year old, and separate rules for your daughter. If they are in the same house, that is going to lead to all kinds of issues, unfortunately.

You have to reach some kind of understanding--maybe see a counselor who can help you both come up with a parenting philosophy you can live with? It sounds like this is an issue you knew was there all along, so the past week was not a revelation, but a confirmation of what you already knew to be true.

If you can find a counselor I would suggest giving that a try.

[Sarah W]

Originally Posted by aaronsmom

After calming down and thinking things through rationally, I've come to the same conclusion. My children will be going to my grandmother's today while I work and every other day that I work. I've already discussed it with her.
A little OT for the GD forum, but I'm not sure how long this relationship can last with such drastic differences in parenting philosophy.

I agree. I think that the time outs were harsh...he should be able to work through that.

But not giving a 2 yr old anything to drink for the rest of the day? I'm sorry, but there is something seriously wrong with anyone who thinks that is acceptable. I hope you can find a solution.

I read this to DH and he's as dumbfounded as I am, so it's not a "man" thing.

[aaronsmom]

Originally Posted by heartmama

Realistically, I don't see how you can have one set of parenting techniques for his two year old, and separate rules for your daughter. If they are in the same house, that is going to lead to all kinds of issues, unfortunately.

You have to reach some kind of understanding--maybe see a counselor who can help you both come up with a parenting philosophy you can live with? It sounds like this is an issue you knew was there all along, so the past week was not a revelation, but a confirmation of what you already knew to be true.

If you can find a counselor I would suggest giving that a try.

We don't have two sets of rules. It's the way we enforce those rules that is different (and I suppose there are behaviors he sees as "bad" that I don't, ie whining for mommy).
Write more later. Have to go to work.

[waiting2bemommy]

We have sort of the same issues. However, ds whines incessantly, with or wihtout me, so maybe it's a little different. My SO was to the point opf wanting to spank him for crying which I found totally unacceptable so we had to come to some kind fo agreement on what we could both live with.

The middlegrond we have come to is that he will not "punish" (i.e. time out, spank, etc) ds for whining, and I won't ignore it entirely which is what I had been doing. Instead we wlk ds to his room and tell him calmly without sounding upset, that it's hard to hear/work/talk on the phone whatever when you make whining noises, so you need to stay in your room until you're all done, and then you can come out.

Honestly, I thought that was too harsh at first, and that I was inflicting major psychological trauma on ds by isolating him.

I was SHOCKED that the first tiem I tried it, and during an all out tantrum at that, he stayed in his room (without me shutting the door or anything) screamed for a couple minutes and then started playing. I went in and asked if he was ready to come out and he said "NO" and started screaming again. So I walked away. Before I had the chance to go back in again (maybe 5-ish minutes later) he came out and very clearly said to me "I all done screaming. I come out and hug you now."

not an ounce of resentment on his part, I promise. I don't know if that would help, but I found that a compromise that didn't totally ignore my so's feelings (since he IS the one at home all day hearing the whining), but that was at least in the ballpark of AP, made it better for all of us, because now ds gets the same response whether I'm there or not.

We also made an appt with an early childhood specialist and the difference in disciplin styles is something she said she sees frequently and is wroking with us on. I do think it is helpful because both parents can feel validated when you're sitting in front of a professional who hears both "sides." I really think men just parent differently, by nature.

Also, ds' whining (for me, anyway, he still whines aboute verything else lol) has decreased considerably as he adjusted to me being gone during the day and home at night. So don't lose hope.

[lynsage]

Originally Posted by aaronsmom

A little OT for the GD forum, but I'm not sure how long this relationship can last with such drastic differences in parenting philosophy.

The question at this point is how long you are willing to stay in a relationship with someone you know to be abusive.