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Any SAHPs who don't want a career? - Page 3

post #41 of 85
Quote:
Originally Posted by PinkNFluffy View Post
I don't know, I'm really torn right now. Part of me LOVES being a Mother, it is like my life calling but the other part is like...that's it? You are just a Mom?
Quote:
Originally Posted by heatherdeg View Post
I already had a career. A really good one.

Now, I guess I just don't really think about it. But I still do a lot of non-mom (albeit non-paying) "stuff". When my son was special needs, the management of his care, therapies, etc. provided me with a lot of mental gymnastics. But now that my kids don't require that level of juggling or "work", I definitely seek it out elsewhere.
I just don't know, really. And I am really sort of starting to panic about all of this. It really makes me want to cry.

Here's my story: I married after college, but didn't have children until my 30s. So, I built a pretty decent career in all those years and worked long hours. My pay check was always pretty close to 50% of our income, but we were very smart and frugal with money.

So we were able to save up a nest egg that allowed me to stay home for a couple of years after having a child.

But some people took advantage of us, the economy sort of went south, and DH never really wanted to be a sole provider long term...so when the funds became lower, I didn't have much choice, and I went back to work.

Also, my marriage became something I never imagined. See, if you and your husband don't agree on things as simple as whether one wants to be a sole provider and one wants to be a SAHP for a while you probably disagree on other things too (values, how to spend time, equal parenting duties, discipline, attachment parenting). When we had a child, DH and I started to disagree about a lot of things, and I really started to see his use of harsh and swear words sort of inappropriate.

Anyway, working with children?? Hard! My husband sort of helps out, but really not much has changed in his world and habits, and I have to ask for every little thing and schedule his help way in advance, and I get tired of juggling everything.

And I'm not entirely convinced that this arrangement is the best.

I have a lot of self-doubt about it, and I hope that 20 years from now, I don't come to realize that juggling work and child rearing was a huge mistake and I should have been a SAHM.

But then I might end up divorced, or my husband could have a career change, especially in this economy, and I'll be happy in that event that I have a career to keep me going.

And sometimes I'm really inspired by my career, and love it, but really not enough to make all the struggle worth it.

It's so hard. It's really exhausting.
post #42 of 85
I'm really curious about how your marital / parenting partners feel about your thoughts about never wanting a career outside the home? My husband has never been supportive of anything close to that. If I even broach the topic of staying at home, or reducing my hours, he either checks out of the conversation or he says I married you because you wanted a career.

I have no easy answers about this for myself. I wouldn't say that I don't ever want a career or that I never wanted a career because I certainly did want a career pre-college, in college, and post college. And I did have a career for nearly a decade before I had a baby.

But then I stayed at home for 3 years. And it wasn't all good and it wasn't all bad.

I have been back in the workforce for a year now, working part time. And I don't feel like I fit in with the professionals in my office who are there 40 plus hours a week, travel for work, and work late meetings into the night. Granted, none are the primary care givers for young children.

And I certainly don't fit in with the stay-at-home moms I used to hang with...it just feels different...and they don't include me because obviously their activities together are all during times when I have to work.

And I just feel so conflicted about everything. Really, the reasons I dropped out of the work force was because I had a baby and I just didn't feel right about putting a small baby in day care and because I wanted to exclusively breastfeed and AP, and I didn't feel my work schedule and my husband's would accommodate that, and I'm glad I stayed at home.

And the only reasons I went back to work was because I was feeling panicked about my resume getting too old to ever get a job, and my marriage was rocky and I felt like I really needed my own income, and because my DH never wanted me to be a SAHP, and made too many comments about that. Oh, yeah, and the economy sort of got worse so I felt like we needed an added layer of protection. And also I wanted to be able to send my child to a pre-school and we couldn't afford to do that without my income.

But...it's so unclear what the right thing to do, and I feel like neither scenario is really ideal, and I just don't really have a clear cut idea for what is best for my child.

Maybe if my husband wanted to be a provider and saw the value in having a SAHP, but I can't make him something he is not, and there are other reasons at play too so I can't just use that as the reason.

post #43 of 85
Thread Starter 
Hi That is Nice,

I'm sorry for what you're going through. I can't tell what your actual issue is. Are you feeling guilty about going to work but you know that you would feel guilty staying home too?

It is true that being home full time for all time is only possible and pleasant with a partner on the same page. DH and I knew he would work and I would stay home from the time we were dating. It was just a part of the deal. I wanted somebody who would be the financial provider so I could SAH and he wanted someone who wanted to SAH. He would be down with me doing stuff later and would support me getting a job now if it was what I wanted but that isn't what we want.
post #44 of 85
Well I have had to fight to win my husband's support to work outside the home when we kinda needed the money in the past. So I am on the other end of the spectrum. Dh has always wanted to be the sole provider; he is definitely a product of his upbringing. There was a point where I was more comfortable doing something to bring in extra money than trying to strip our finances down to bear minimum. This was really not the agreement we had made together, but trying to provide a good life for our first child changed my feelings and values. We talked through it because it was important that he respect my feelings even if they changed in a way he hadn't anticipated.

It's totally irrational to enter into a contract to share your life with someone expecting that person to never change any of their feelings or ideals in that entire time, especially regarding things you haven't experienced yet. For example, actually having a family might change your priorities and goals regarding how to raise your family from what you believed or desired before having children. If you are a committed couple, though, you work together to find common ground and mutually agreeable ways to raise the kids. I'm not saying he should let you do whatever you want regardless of his feelings, but surely he should respect and validate your feelings, and stop condemning and criticizing you for feeling differently now about the importance of your role as a mother vs. the time and effort put towards a career. That is a normal, healthy level of internal conflict, and a normal, healthy relationship should be able to address it and find ways for both parties to accomplish their new goals. That is what it means to be a supportive partner.

I don't think of my dh as "the provider" anyway. I "provide" monetary value through managing the finances in a way that allows us a good quality of life and substantial savings for future needs and wants, in addition to "providing" the best possible care and education for our children. My dh doesn't have the necessary skills for us to divide those responsibilities equally, and even if I could find someone else to do those things with the same level of quality and attention that I give them, it would cost an arm and a leg more than I would make even in a career with a decent wage. Dh works in a job/career. I ensure our financial security and comfort.

To the original question, I doubt I will ever willingly choose a career again. I despise our capitalist society. I think it runs on degradation and is mutually exclusive with any kind of healthy life. Participating in it on that level would be a last resort for me.
post #45 of 85
Quote:
Originally Posted by Harmony08 View Post
Hi That is Nice,

I'm sorry for what you're going through. I can't tell what your actual issue is. Are you feeling guilty about going to work but you know that you would feel guilty staying home too?

It is true that being home full time for all time is only possible and pleasant with a partner on the same page. DH and I knew he would work and I would stay home from the time we were dating. It was just a part of the deal. I wanted somebody who would be the financial provider so I could SAH and he wanted someone who wanted to SAH. He would be down with me doing stuff later and would support me getting a job now if it was what I wanted but that isn't what we want.

No, I'm not feeling any guilt for working and I didn't feel any guilt when I stayed at home (on my savings).

What I want is either 1) a husband who balances his career with my career in noticeable ways while we each raise our child OR if he chooses to not balance his career and share in the juggling, then a provider for our family.

He can't have it both ways. He can't continue in his career and expect me to do more than 50% of the parenting and household stuff he also expects me to work and progress in my career (which he does).

I am fine with working, if I have a partner.

I am fine staying at home, if I have a willing provider.

What I have in this husband is neither of those things, and it's really not working out for me.
post #46 of 85
I'm with you... MAYBE I will work when my kids are grown... MAYBE!
post #47 of 85
I don't want a career, I want a degree so people will stfu. Of course then they'd start in on how I was wasting my education....

wish I'd taken the job offer 7 years ago instead of going back to school.
post #48 of 85
I'm in the camp that I had a career before babies, and I feel like my babies are my new career.

When they are grown (as in, in college), I'll only be 52, and dh will be 56. We'll still have lots of working years left, and there will probably be time for a third career.

But, until then, I'm okay with where I am.

To answer about my dh's feelings. I don't know how it happened. Our plan was for me to work part time after baby #1, then transition home after baby #2. But, baby #1 came, my job wouldn't budge on offering part time (some impossible things needed to be met first), and we decided I'd stay home then. I sometimes feel terribly guilty about not bringing in a paycheck, but my dh is supportive. He's always been supportive of whatever I've wanted to do, though (we moved for my job before babies, he was always gung-ho on me doing whatever I wanted career wise). And, if I wanted to go back to work right now, he'd support that, too.

Me going back to work right now would mean huge changes to our lifestyle and his work, though (I'd work nights, and he'd have to do morning drop-offs at daycare, which means he wouldn't get to go to work as early in the morning, plus he'd have to make sure that he got home in time for me to go to work, which is earlier than his usual schedule). So, he selfishly says that he's happy the way it is. But, if I wanted a change, he'd work to make it happen.
post #49 of 85
Quote:
Originally Posted by That Is Nice View Post
I'm really curious about how your marital / parenting partners feel about your thoughts about never wanting a career outside the home?
My dh *told* me that I'd be a sah mommy.

I know that makes him sound like a jerk, but he didn't mean it that way, he just meant that I didn't have to work, and he'd take care of us.

How important this actually was to us, we had no idea! It has actually evolved into him wah as well, so that our homeschooled children have two primary caregivers.

We never expected to feel like this about parenthood. Thank goodness that we are flexible, because we have chosen to set so much aside. We have become crunchy opposites of what we were when I become pregnant 12 years ago.

Married to other people, we would have been served papers by now!
post #50 of 85
This dilemma of to stay-at-home or to work is such a conflict to me. Recurring. Never ending. I didn't have easy answers when I was a stay-at-home mom for 3 years and I don't have any answers now that I've gone back to work.

It's not really the classic guilt of thinking I'm short shrifting my child, and staring longingly at my child's picture while I'm at work. I don't really feel any guilt about working.

I'm just not sure it's ideal. Yes, it's ideal for me in terms of providing for the family and for my own long term financial security and independence. But ideal for my child in his childhood? No, I don't think that it is.

Since going back to work part time, I miss nearly all school activities and events. I don't have the time that the stay-at-home parents have to attend the school events. Often, my child has been the only child without a parent there. It makes him sad, which in turn makes me sad. He's made comments about it, too. I try to go to the events, but there are so many, and I just don't have enough vacation (and I get good benefits)...it just doesn't always work out with the schedule.

Second, working makes everything else harder. Laundry piles up and never gets done. It's a major accomplishment if we have clean clothes. Groceries and cooking is harder. We spend way too much on convenience foods because I simply do not have time.

Sleep. I go without enough sleep constantly.

Nice weather days. This sucks. We miss so many opportunities for fun because we have work and school on the nice days.

And pace. Our pace of life is rushed. We are always in a hurry or trying to get somewhere or get something done. I feel like I do everything about 80%. That's all I can give because I have to move on and do something else. 80% at work, 80% to my child, 80% to home. I never have enough time to devote the attention I want and do the job or parent in the way I would be capable of doing had I more time.

Anway, what I'm really wondering is how do you all find such faith in the breadwinner of your family?

I don't have any faith in mine. He never wanted to be a provider, and he thanked God that he married a woman with a career (and said that) because it took the pressure off him. Yeah, when DH said that, it sort of disappointed me, but it's totally in line with his personality. He doesn't like pressure of any type and he likes routine.

So, yeah, he has a good work ethic (the routine craving part of him, I guess) and he does work but he's very bad with change (which equates to inflexibility to adapt when we had a baby).

This is a man who took no paternity leave, and didn't want to "rock the boat" at work by asking for it. He just didn't want to change his schedule or routine. This is a man who made it clear he wouldn't and couldn't work part time, or really change much from his 40 plus hour work week.

He often goes to work early, and works late, but I think some of that is work and some of that is social time. I think he might stay at work late to gab with people, or to listen to his iPod, or to do other things he doesn't have time to do at home.

This would be fine if I weren't working as well and running...literally running...to pick up and drop off our child and if I weren't the parent who ALWAYS is by DH's default taking care of sick days, doctor appointments, etc.

I stayed at home for 3 years, not really with DH's blessing, but because I'd saved up enough money of my own from working to do so. And because I wanted to breastfeed in an extended way, and DH saw the value in that, which is why he basically didn't fight me. But he sure made comments and was very relieved when I went back to work.

So, where does your faith in your partner come from? I really struggle with that. Staying at home created many trust issues between DH and me, as did the pregnancy. Issues cropped up that hadn't been there before in the marriage.

I think much of our trouble has to do with DH not wanting to be a sole provider, not wanting the pressure, and feeling pressure he didn't welcome when we had a baby, and things needed to change, but he wasn't good at change nor did he really want to change.

When I was a stay-at-home mom I was really worried about my future (near term future, but also long term). I just didn't have faith that DH would hold it together and be solid for our family. And I worried about things like retirement and career obsolescence.

I was out of the workforce for a couple years, and jumped back in with virtually no problem as far as getting a job, but I really feel that if I left the field again, I wouldn't be able to jump back in. I don't think my career has that sort of capacity to leave again for a few years. I was rusty after the first departure to be a SAHM and that was only for 3 years. I don't think I could explain a second absence and still have an employer think I am good enough to hire. And that makes me so sad.
post #51 of 85
I don't know where the faith comes from.

Our story is different. When we got married, *I* had the bigger career. Then, he was unemployed for 6 months, and during that time, we decided that he'd go back to school. Partly because it would increase his earning potential (something we're still holding our breath on). I was in a career that was more like, "here's your money, you'll never get a raise, be happy with it." So, he had a lot more potential, theoretically.

We talked about it at length. About us both keeping our careers. About one of us staying home. About one of us going part time. He really wasn't interested in being part time or SAH, but I was. We didn't think that staying at home in the early years was very important, but we wanted to homeschool, so we geared our talks towards having a parent home during school ages.

That's where the plan of me being part time until school age came about. And, then circumstances forced my hand into being SAH with a baby.

And, it turned out, I really loved it. And, he saw that. He loves for me to be happy, above all else. He really values a happy home life. Like really, really values it. He saw our kid thriving.

Then, when the itch to go back to work came, I got pregnant. And after #2, when the itch came, I got pregnant again. LOL. (We had talked about this, though; we both wanted 4 kids, and we wanted them all close together). So, again, circumstances played a part.

In the past 4 years, dh's salary has fallen by 1/3. We thought it was tight before. But, this fall has really cemented our thoughts together (again, through lots of talking) that we want me home for the foreseeable future. We're planning on downsizing our housing this fall to make that happen more long term. So, we're definitely on the same page.

We've also made some sacrifices along the way that I don't really love. We have a pittance going towards retirement. We are not saving for college. Our healthcare costs really increased this year (from $2800 to $10,500 out of pocket), and we aren't prepared, and we're still figuring out where it's coming from. We worry about money more. Like I said, we're planning to downsize our housing (from 1700 square feet, so not a McMansion), and we watch pennies at the grocery store. We don't qualify for WIC or Medicaid, but we have talked about using those in case of a layoff/further salary cut if we need to, in leiu of me going back to work.

But, for us, at this point, it's worth it. We reevaluate regularly, but we are on the same page, which makes a world of difference.
post #52 of 85
Quote:
Originally Posted by BetsyS View Post
I don't know where the faith comes from.

Our story is different. When we got married, *I* had the bigger career.


We talked about it at length. About us both keeping our careers. About one of us staying home. About one of us going part time.

We've also made some sacrifices along the way that I don't really love.
Thank you for your response, and for sharing your story.

He doesn't have a bigger career. If anything, I was more driven and more career oriented in college and after we married up until the time we had a baby (several years).

He was always sort of routine, I guess. He's not really gung-ho about anything. He has a good work ethic - steady - but he just sort of has this steady line, not upward or downward. He puts in the work required, and works extra if required, but he's not driven to work harder or longer because he wants a job in management or a promotion or something. That's not him at all.

We've always had sort of equal careers. He's in a higher paying field, but I've always sought pretty high level, cutting edge jobs in my lower paying field, so I've always made fairly close to him and carried the benefits for the family. Now that I work part time, obviously, my income is halved and he's commented about that and how he makes so much more than I do and that is his contribution.

We also talked about it at length before marriage and before having a baby. Well, I did anyway. He just sort of checked out and gave ambiguous answers like, "of course it would be great if we could have one of us stay at home, and we'll do what is possible." No promises, no let's work out a plan, no let's make this happen and give it our best shot. I see now that he was more or less giving himself an out so he wouldn't have to do anything difficult.

We also made a lot of sacrifices. About 5 years before having a baby, I started planning hard core for the finances. I cut way, way back on everything except essentials, and I saved, saved, saved. I bought all my work clothes used for years...didn't buy anything new, took no trips, didn't eat out...I mean hard core saving. That's how I pulled off staying-at-home for 3 years. I used my savings.

Now, at this moment, I can't even get DH to cut cable television. He has said numerous times he would rather I work than have to cut cable television. So that's basically what I am working with here.

I work, but don't get much respect from him because it's part time, and he doesn't really help out with anything if it conflicts with his job and work schedule, like a sick kid on a Monday morning.

And he's not going to work harder, or more, or save money and make sacrifices for me to stay home. And he's not interested in staying home himself or working part time himself.

I hate that I had a baby with him. I mean, I love my baby a lot. I just don't love DH much anymore because I think he is extremely unfair and inflexible and his approach to our life just doesn't work for me.
post #53 of 85
I was thinking a little more about this this morning.

My dh's life didn't really change much with a baby. He still went to work a lot, still travelled for work, still didn't worry about when he was coming home. He has never been a big get together with the guys sort, so that didn't change, either.

Before we had babies, I worked an odd schedule (weekends, holidays, nights), but I often had time off during the week. I did all the cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, and home management. Almost all of it. He mowed the grass.

So, we had a baby, and I didn't have the demands of a job, so I kept doing all that home stuff, plus a baby, and dh kept mowing the grass. He travelled several nights a week, too.

We had baby #1 on Friday of a 3 day weekend. He went back to work on Tuesday (so one vacation day...the actual day I was in labor). With #2, he took 2 days of vacation (again, the days I was in the hospital). This didn't even cross my radar as something to be upset about, though? I was fine at home. I had c-sections, but I didn't want someone hovering over me.

With his words, he said that he was fine with me at home, but I think he expected me to want to go back to work relatively soon after the baby. And, then, because he's generally a nice guy, I think he just decided to ride it out until I decided to go back to work when it was obvious it wasn't going to happen in 12 weeks or whatever.

And, then, life happened, and we've had more babies, and he realized that I really liked staying at home, and he started liking me at home, and our priorities sort of shifted together, as well.

He's a very steady sort of guy, too. He doesn't have a rock star career, not moving up at a rapid clip or anything. Due to some extreme circumstances, 2 summers ago, he changed jobs, into a job where he is in the office every day and home every night. The guy that sits next to him in the office is a much more involved dad, with a working wife. This guy does half the drop-offs, half the pick-ups, stays home half the time with sick kids, leaves for kindy programs, etc. And, he catches a LOT of flak at work for it. A lot. This has made dh a lot MORE appreciative of all that I do.

It also helps that dh can have a contrary streak. There have been some comments made to dh (at work) about how his wife should work, and they aren't paying him enough for me to stay at home (talking out of both sides of their mouth here, as they give the 50/50 dad so much flak). But, this makes dh even more determined to prove them wrong, I think.

I really don't think until recently (the last 6 months, and I've been home for 3.5 years) that dh has really gotten just how good he has it. That he is free to work however long he wants (he has an hour commute, and he works about 55 hours a week, so he's gone from home about 65 hours). Part of that is that if I worked, it wouldn't be traditional 8-5, and there just wouldn't be an option for me to do all the pick-up/drop-offs/sick days. I make sure to tell him this frequently, too.

I think that if what you have was an option (part time, you do all the work, but you bring in a paycheck, too), then dh might be all over it. Just being honest. I'm lucky in a way that it's not an option.
post #54 of 85
Quote:
Originally Posted by BetsyS View Post
I was thinking a little more about this this morning.

My dh's life didn't really change much with a baby. He still went to work a lot, still travelled for work, still didn't worry about when he was coming home. He has never been a big get together with the guys sort, so that didn't change, either.

Before we had babies, I worked an odd schedule (weekends, holidays, nights), but I often had time off during the week. I did all the cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, and home management. Almost all of it. He mowed the grass.

So, we had a baby, and I didn't have the demands of a job, so I kept doing all that home stuff, plus a baby, and dh kept mowing the grass. He travelled several nights a week, too.

We had baby #1 on Friday of a 3 day weekend. He went back to work on Tuesday (so one vacation day...the actual day I was in labor). With #2, he took 2 days of vacation (again, the days I was in the hospital). This didn't even cross my radar as something to be upset about, though? I was fine at home. I had c-sections, but I didn't want someone hovering over me.

With his words, he said that he was fine with me at home, but I think he expected me to want to go back to work relatively soon after the baby. And, then, because he's generally a nice guy, I think he just decided to ride it out until I decided to go back to work when it was obvious it wasn't going to happen in 12 weeks or whatever.

And, then, life happened, and we've had more babies, and he realized that I really liked staying at home, and he started liking me at home, and our priorities sort of shifted together, as well.

He's a very steady sort of guy, too. He doesn't have a rock star career, not moving up at a rapid clip or anything. Due to some extreme circumstances, 2 summers ago, he changed jobs, into a job where he is in the office every day and home every night. The guy that sits next to him in the office is a much more involved dad, with a working wife. This guy does half the drop-offs, half the pick-ups, stays home half the time with sick kids, leaves for kindy programs, etc. And, he catches a LOT of flak at work for it. A lot. This has made dh a lot MORE appreciative of all that I do.

It also helps that dh can have a contrary streak. There have been some comments made to dh (at work) about how his wife should work, and they aren't paying him enough for me to stay at home (talking out of both sides of their mouth here, as they give the 50/50 dad so much flak). But, this makes dh even more determined to prove them wrong, I think.

I really don't think until recently (the last 6 months, and I've been home for 3.5 years) that dh has really gotten just how good he has it. That he is free to work however long he wants (he has an hour commute, and he works about 55 hours a week, so he's gone from home about 65 hours). Part of that is that if I worked, it wouldn't be traditional 8-5, and there just wouldn't be an option for me to do all the pick-up/drop-offs/sick days. I make sure to tell him this frequently, too.

I think that if what you have was an option (part time, you do all the work, but you bring in a paycheck, too), then dh might be all over it. Just being honest. I'm lucky in a way that it's not an option.

This is a nice post, well reasoned, very measured, and very fair about everything. Thank you. I enjoyed reading it.
post #55 of 85
Quote:
Originally Posted by BetsyS View Post

I think that if what you have was an option (part time, you do all the work, but you bring in a paycheck, too), then dh might be all over it. Just being honest. I'm lucky in a way that it's not an option.
Oh, I am part time. Well, "part time," I suppose can be defined many different ways. I work between 30 and 40 hours per week, more on the 30 side.

I get full benefits with my job, which is fantastic for less than full time work, I also get to work from home some of the time, and they are fairly flexible and accommodating. I have about the best sort of part time job I could ever find, really.

But I've found that working this part time scenario with a child, while juggling all that entails, is HARD. HARDER than when I worked 40 plus hours and traveled all the time when I didn't have a baby.

Some of the time, working part time works out well. Because of that, my child gets to go to a really fabulous day care, which we would never be able to afford if I were a SAHM. But, of course, I'm not making a ton of money after the cost of said fabulous day care.

Where we run into trouble is this. Meetings and travel. My job has meetings that sometimes / often run into times when I don't have day care (being part time and all) and there is some travel involved.

This is when DH sort of goes into a tail spin and comes up with a million excuses about why he can't help, and it really stresses him out, and he says the most hurtful things, which he almost always apologizes for, but he continues to say them and has for quite some time.

Also, as I think I said, I miss out on a lot of my child's school activities that the other SAHMs all go to. My child is often the only kid without a parent participating. I try to be there for him, but there are so many darn activities, field trips, etc. I simply can't take that much time off from work as a part time employee.

And, it's a major accomplishment and sunny, good day if we have clean laundry and food to eat. If I manage to do laundry and buy groceries or cook AND go to work, it's a major accomplishment. Usually, I can complete two of those activities once or twice a week, and one of the activities is always work, you know? So then it's pick and choose what gets done around the house...which makes DH think I'm unproductive and makes him more irritated.
post #56 of 85
Quote:
Originally Posted by BetsyS View Post
The guy that sits next to him in the office is a much more involved dad, with a working wife. This guy does half the drop-offs, half the pick-ups, stays home half the time with sick kids, leaves for kindy programs, etc. And, he catches a LOT of flak at work for it. A lot.
Yes!

This is totally the case with DH at work. Or so he says. I'm not exactly sure, but I know they expect people to be there, of course, and the projects run on and on, and unpaid overtime is sort of expected. My husband says men who take sick leave for their kids, etc, are frowned upon and sort of made fun of, and certainly not considered for raises, promotions, or good reviews.

And this is really sad, but it is probably true. It's the socio-political side of this very personal debate. Many careers are patterned off an outdated model where many households had one caregiver at home and one worker.

But it's not like salaries have totally stayed steady to allow that scenario of caregiver at home to continue. I mean, my husband works in a very highly skilled position, but doesn't make enough for us to have one worker in the family.

But I see the point. Yes, it probably would reflect badly on my DH to take time off all the time for field trips and doctor's appointments, or when our son is sick.

But I work, too, and it looks bad to my employer when I take the time for those things, and it's always me to take the time.

DH gets off easier, scot free, and like we didn't even have this kid we're supposed to enjoying raising. His career hasn't changed or evolved at all and there is no reflection upon his career that our child even exists. And there are child marks are all over my career, including a 3 year gap on my resume.
post #57 of 85
Quote:
Originally Posted by BetsyS View Post
He went back to work on Tuesday (so one vacation day...the actual day I was in labor). With #2, he took 2 days of vacation (again, the days I was in the hospital). This didn't even cross my radar as something to be upset about, though? I was fine at home. I had c-sections, but I didn't want someone hovering over me.
I give you a lot of kudos for doing it on your own, and being OK with that. I really needed help. I didn't have any extended family to help me and my closest friends had just had little ones of their own and didn't really live close enough to help.

So DH was pretty much the only resource, and he went back to work immediately. And worked long hours. And traveled.

I had had an emergency c-section, and I didn't have full movement without a lot of pain so I really could have used some help. There was like a two week period where I didn't even leave the house because I couldn't lift the newborn car seat without doubling over in pain. And showering was difficult...hard to carry the baby up the stairs. So, DH's help was necessary at least for a week or two.
post #58 of 85
That Is Nice, you can do better. YOU CAN DO BETTER!

We all deserve respect. You are not being respected.

If you're going to be a working mother anyway, then be a working mother, on your own terms in a healthy environment. The two of you (you and your dc) will be better for it.

Who knows, it might even be good for our D()H. Maybe having a good woman leave him, will encourage him to pull his head out of his .

Argh. I need a cup of something hot. My nerves are shot. How do you deal with this crap?
post #59 of 85
It's a shame that society doesn't treat parenting (Mothering especially) like the full-time job it is. It's really the most important job in the world, and yet when you're unemployed, the world doesn't look at you the same even if you're working 14 hour days scrubbing floors, cooking, cleaning diapers, etc.
post #60 of 85
i m confused abt wat i want now and how to have faith in the situation/him.
for a long time beforeafter marriage - i already told him i want to be a sahp.
he wasnt very supportive but i keep telling him that its impt to me.
i was between jobs, and got pregnant so i became a sahp with his agreement.
howver whenver thigs get rough -he scold me and tell me i give problmes by me not working and that he has given wat i want so dun ask for too much.i get mad when he says that as i was the main one supporting us past few yrs when working.

now I dunno wat to do. he was retrenched and job not steady. my faith has gotten low that he can take care of us and will channel enuff money to us even if he has the cash. i have been living on my savings all this time.

i pity my kids that i cant buy em toys and go out as a family like others. i'm thinking soon my savings will run out.

do i want a career ?
i had one and i wasnt happy not being with my kids.seeing them closer to others. now not working - i hate that i dun have enuff cash to handle hsehold. spoil em, do up the hse as i wish. i had given up my lovely hse moved away to another district from relatives to be sahp. sometimes I am unhappy that i keep doing chores, i hate hsehold chores but doing this to be with the kids.i hate that i keep doing most of the chores and using my savings to live on. at least i shdl get monies for the hsehold expenses, isn it ?i thot of going back to work so I can have enuff finances to live better. i always thot it wld be worth it to give career up for the kids. but now i dunno. as it shld not be at the kids or expense that I am wondering if we have nuff money to live on and pay the hse.i feel cheated rite now had i known it wld end up with me working again - i prob woulda continued working, not give up my prev hse stay near relatives
i dun like current hse.

i am not sure how to come to terms and to move forward. working again not able get the same gd pay as i used to have as my line gets obsolete.
i was paying for 80% of the expenses when i was working hence i thot single income was possible.if i can do it, why cant he? my turn NOT to be the main breadwinner. i also had assured that i work again once kids in school.

i dun feel respected when i was working. and it's worse now. its odd isnt it seeing that i am contributing significantly in finance or others.
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