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Please Please Read and Give Me Advice. I feel so awful !!!!!!!!

post #1 of 30
Thread Starter 
I just really need advice. This post is going to make me sound like an evil witch, I really am not such an evil person, but I suppose one might get that from reading this post.

I am in a relationship that isn't that great. I have been married to this guy since 2008, I am divorced before this current marriage (to my ex, we were married for ten years) I had three kids with my ex, their ages are 10, 7, and 4. I am currently pregnant (due any day now) with my current husband.

Current husband has a 5 year old daughter. Current husband also has a severe weekend drinking problem. I have had a rough pregnancy this time around (severe bleeding from 5-20wks) all sorts of things. I was on bed rest for weeks. His daughter isn't here a lot at all. The reason? My husbands weekend drinking problem. He drinks so much on the weekends that he passes out many times during the weekend. It is ridiculous. Yes, he is an alcoholic, but the weekends are awful because that is when he can drink and drink without so many worries.

I can't take care of my children and his daughter by myself on the weekends while he lays drunk!! I will NOT Do it. I have been sick this whole pregnancy and refuse to take on his responsibilities. I will not. His daughter doesn't behave when she is here. She hates my 4 year old daughter (probably out of jealousy, I understand since she is just a kid) She destroys everything that belongs to my 4 year old. She has cut off all my daughter's special dolls hair, cut up my daughter's clothes, made huge welts all over my daughter. I just can't handle it all the while my husband drinks and gets "out of it" and babies his princess daughter while she does this stuff.

His drinking has caused her barely ever to get to visit. He understands he has a problem, but doesn't see that it is such a big deal. He thinks that since I have three children already that it isn't going to make much of a difference if I throw his daughter in "with my heard" but it does because I can't make his daughter listen. My kids will listen to me. His will not.

What he wants is to have his daughter over EVERY weekend, he wants to drink as much as he wants, he wants ME to take care of all the children while he has his fun. He doesn't care that it causes me to suffer. It makes me resent his daughter. I can't even bare to look at her pictures because it reminds me of all the bad weekends that I have had when she has been here.

To top it all off, my current husband now hold this all against our new unborn son. I think he holds it against our unborn son because he knows he is going to get to spend everyday with this new baby of his, but can't his daughter. He wants his daughter to come up this weekend (keep in mind I am 2cm dialated, 60% thinned out) He also wants to drink as much as he wants while she is here AND leave me with ALL the kids when I could go into labor at ANY time and not have a place for his daughter to go (because her mother would NEVER come get her, that woman is nuts) I have a place for my kids to go, but not his. I would be in labor and have to hurry and transfer my children to their father while I would have to leave his 5 year old here while he is passed out and I would have to go to the hospital by myself. How fun!!! He doesn't understand the big deal I don't guess. He thinks as long as his precious daughter gets to come and have her way, he gets to drink, then to heck with me and my kids!!!!

He doesn't want to even acknowledge our new baby because he can't get over the fact that his son is going to get to live with him and his daughter isn't. Right now, my husband is in the bedroom sitting on the bed crying holding a picture of his daughter. He keeps telling me over and over how dearly he loves her more than anyone in this world. He thinks this child is like some sort of God. It is so odd. He pushes her onto EVERYONE. He pushes them to love her like she is so special. He kept telling his 11 year old nephew to take a school picture of his daughter home. His nephew kept telling him that he didn't want a picture because he might lose it. My husband kept telling this 11 year old boy "but my daughter is so special, you HAVE to keep a picture of your beautiful cousin in your wallet, she is just too special not to" This 11 year old looked at me and rolled his eyes. It was so weird.

This makes me the bad guy in all situations. I just can't take it all on. It makes me can't stand his daughter. It makes me even more angry at her when she is here that she leaves welts and huge red marks all over my 4 year old daughter. I don't spank, but when she does that, I really want to spank her. I don't and never would.

Anyways, I think I should just leave this man. He isn't worth it and I can't take on his daughter as my own. I wasn't cut out to be a step mother under these conditions. I just can't. My husband doesn't love OUR son, only his other daughter. I don't think he will ever love our son. I just don't think I should continue to live with a man who thinks he can do what he wants, thinks his daughter is a God and is going to treat the future child that WE have together like crap.

What do you think?
post #2 of 30


Edited by ArcherGal - 11/25/13 at 6:12pm
post #3 of 30
Do you have a support system near you? Right now, that is what you need: lots of support and help from people you love and trust. You are about to give birth and it will get even more challenging once the baby comes.

I don't blame you for any of the things you feel. I don't think it makes you a bad person at all. Do you think your husband's drinking has anything to do with guilt over his daughter? I mean, the way you describe him, it seems he has a lot of issues regarding her. Do you love him? Whether you stay with him or not, it's clear he and his daughter both need help. I feel bad for her too. I wouldn't necessarily assume that he doesn't and won't love your son, but of course, I don't know him. He sounds like a troubled person, not necessarily a bad one. I think that if he doesn't get help, things will probably not improve and might even get a lot worse.

Right now you need to think about yourself and your baby, and making sure your other kids and safe and well. I wish I could help more. Hugs and compassion to you. I wish your baby the most wonderful birth.
post #4 of 30
First I wanted to send you a big virtual hug because this situation just sounds impossible. Have you considered leaving him? I understand the situation is not black and white, that having his child, along with your other children complicates matters.

You are not a babysitter for his daughter. You are also not the bad guy in this. You need a partner, especially with your son coming and all of your pregnancy complications. He is refusing you this as well as being emotionally manipulative, crying with the photo of his daughter while not acknowledging your son.

My advice is to leave. Do you have anywhere to go? He needs to get sober and work through his problems. Your children and the one coming need to see you in a healthy relationship and he just cannot be a healthy parent while getting passed-out drunk. If he gets sober maybe there is a chance for the future, but right now it sounds like he will get worse before he gets better.
post #5 of 30
It sounds like he has lots of issues he needs to work through? is he willing to go to counseling both with you and by himself? I would never put up with taking care of his kid while she injures my own. Its sad that he is not able to put forth the effort to keep this family together. I think you should get through your birth and take a good look at your support system. If he is not willing to work on his issues, or keep his child under control you have to think about the safety and well being of your other children. If she hates your 4yo so much how will she react to the newborn, probably pretty poorly. Just something to consider. Im sorry you're in this position it must be so difficult. (hug)
post #6 of 30
"Anyways, I think I should just leave this man."

Yup. It's not his daughter's fault at all, as I think you know, and you'll certainly have a lot more clarity of emotion about that when you are a little less overwhelmed by circumstance. Of course she's acting out, she's old enough to realize that something is deeply wrong with her dad and she must be so sad and scared.

But you don't want to raise any of your own four kids around an alcoholic either, YKWIM? Get out. He'll have to pay support to the child you have together, thankfully, and maybe some sort of spousal support too if you are lucky, considering that you are about to have a baby. But the main thing is to get free of him and start building a healthy family life for your kids.
post #7 of 30
I have to agree with the above posters. What is keeping you there? What kind of support system do you have? Can you possibly take your children and go stay somewhere else on the weekend(s), leaving him there alone with his daughter? Kind of forcing him to step up and be a parent to her? Is he interested in treatment for his alcoholism? He can't change that unless he wants to, and you can't do it for him. You have to look out for yourself and your kids first, and he just isn't helping from the sounds of it.
post #8 of 30
Leave ASAP.
post #9 of 30
I agree with PPs, please get out of there.
post #10 of 30
Originally Posted by sweetangelbrynlie View Post
Anyways, I think I should just leave this man. He isn't worth it and I can't...
What do you think?
I think you should follow your own advice.
Imagine a house where your kids don't have to watch a man drink himself into oblivion every weekend? Imagine a house where you don't have to worry about an "adult" child. You AND every kid involved deserve so much more.

I won't be easy, but it will be worth it. Check out Single Moms forum, I bet they can give you really really really good advice there.
post #11 of 30
You are in a terrible, terrible situation and are not evil or mean-spirited or anything of the sort. That's the first thing you need to understand. You are the victim here.

Second thing, is that your stepdaughter is also not to blame and is also a victim here. She must be so sad and upset and confused - I'm not surprised by her behavior at all.

Third thing, your husband does sound very troubled. I would pose an ultimatum: either you work on your drinking and enter some kind of counseling/program or I leave. If you can get your drinking under control then we can talk about a partnership to build a real family that meets the needs of all our children; but as things stand, I cannot do that on my own - I need to protect the needs of myself and my children.

Then I would work on a support system and figuring out how to get out if he doesn't shift.

I'm so sorry you're going through this.
post #12 of 30
First of all, you are definitely not a bad guy in this situation.
Second, you do need to leave him. However, being 2 cm dialated doesn't exactly seem like a good timing to start looking for a low cost housing and packing your bags. You need to find someone to come in for the weekend - your parents, his parents, anyone who can look after his daughter and your guys so you can go through labor. If it's at all financially possible maybe a hiried help just for this weekend would be an option. If he insists to bring his daughter in AND get drunk, tell him he needs to pay for the extra help.
Once your son is born, give yourslef time to recover and move. There is no saving the relationship where your supposed support system insists on drinking himself into oblivion every weekend. Weekends are for family bonding, for trips the zoo, for going to nana's place, for being close to each other. If it's not on his list of priorities - how are your little guys going to know all these things?

Hugs to you mama, this is such a sad setting for such a happy event as your sosn's birth.
post #13 of 30
I'm sorry you are going through this. I have to agree with everyone, leave him. It will be hard, I hope you have some support, even women's services, maybe your hospital can recommend something? Then look for some sort of financial help as a single mother of four. It just sounds like such a sad place for you and your children
I wish you strength and hope, but above all joy.
post #14 of 30
That sounds like an impossible situation. I know you mentioned leaving him. I want you to look at the flip of that - imagine staying in this situation for the next 10 years. I think your answer is pretty clear! I do agree though that right now may not be the ideal time to bail. Tell him you are unable to see the kids until after the baby is born. I know that will be rough with your own children, but in reality we're talking what, 2 weeks? If you have any kind of decent relationship with your ex, get him on board with what's going on and your plans. I'm sure your older children have given him a full rundown of the situation and he can't possibly be pleased about it, and you may find at least a little moral support from that quarter (or more tolerance of the situation while you get moved out), depending on your relationship with him. As soon as you are able after the baby is born, start looking and making plans to get out. Go back and document EVERY time you can remember that he has passed out, anytime anyone else witnessed it, anything that can prove his drinking. You really do not want him getting unsupervised visitation of your infant son with his drinking! You are NOT the evil person here at all. Good luck!
post #15 of 30
This has nothing to do with being a stepparent and everythjing to do with not wasting your life on a worthless drunk. Leave right now. Well..you probably can't cuz you're preggo, but as soon as you can.
post #16 of 30
omg this is so sad. I know just leaving is easier said than done..but it's seriously time for you to give your husband a clear decision. Tell him he has a decision to make. Either he needs to change *and be clear about the expectations*, or the consiquence is that you and the children will leave. Tell him the decision is his, and that you will follow through with his choice. Than do it. This way you are putting the blame where it NEEDS to go, on him. You are not to blame, you are not making toxic decisions, he is. So it's his choice kwim. He can't say "well you chose to leave etc" because ultimitily it's his choice. I hope things get better very soon, and I'm so sorry you are going through this hell.
post #17 of 30
Leave him. His DD is acting the way you would if you were 5, and you know, i can see it in your posts, that you hate yourself for disliking her because you KNOW every issue here is HIS fault, not hers. Get out as soon as you can, and take your family off to somewhere where weekends are the fun family times together and not a tightrope walk across the deep chasm in loving supportive care your husband is currently offering them.
post #18 of 30
Is he going to be of help after the baby comes or a hinderance? As sad as it is you don't need this kind of stress at this time in your life. You deserve to be babied right now. If he can't take care of you he needs to find soemwhere else to live with his child. You may even want to tell her mother of his issues as no baby should be seeing her dad like that and should be sticking closer to home (unless her mom is worse). Maybe he never got over his ex?

You need to take care of YOU #1. He DOES need help. He should get counseling asap and into rehab.

I am guessing you already grabbed him by the shirt collar and shook him to look into your eyes and have his complete attention and said this isn't a question.. you NEED help. It's not up for debate or thought.. you NEED help. Get it now or go ruin your life elsewhere. You don't have time for this crap.
post #19 of 30
post #20 of 30
It doesn't sound good momma.

I would look at staying with your parents or someone until the baby is born. Or ask DH to leave yet continue to pay the rent/mortgage.

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