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Originally Posted by Theoretica
 Hmm, that's interesting! It sounds like you really have a handle on the 'preventable' outbursts, at least as much as any mom of a young one can
 I think you've hit the nail on the head about seeing it build up relating to the kindergarten. It sounds like she has mixed feelings about kindergarten (understandably so) and is excited to be a part of it, but nervous too. What about hitting the library and getting lots of picture books about starting kindergarten? A lot of those deal with these same feelings, excited, nervous, scared, happy, proud, worried etc. and it might help her put words to it and feel more validated that her emotions are recognized. Also, whatever is triggering it, it seems from what you've said that you are able to see when it's coming. If you think of her meltdown as 10 (on a scale of 1-10) and 'seeing it coming' is a 5, what would be a 3? Maybe you could keep notes or something for a week or so and see if there's anything ahead of that that helps you take notice of her stress level increasing and then you can help her take some calming steps earlier, before it gets out of hand? I'm just brainstorming here, honestly I think you have a great handle on it (although I realize it's frustrating to be on the receiving end of the tantrums) and you are really going about this the right way. From reading this thread I get the impression you are in tune with her and yet respectful of her emotional separateness from you (ie not taking it personally that she's tantruming). Just wanted to make sure you hear that, it's so hard in the 'thick of it' to remember you really are doing the right things  Keep talking it out, I think you're going to definitely find some ideas that work for your situation! |
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Originally Posted by savithny
I had a melter. It started around 3 and went on until after 4. He still did it occasionally at 5-6 but was getting control.
A few things that I discovered in dealing with ours: 1) During the meltdown, it is not about trying to get what they want anymore. They've lost control. This isn't fun, its scary, and they WOULD stop if they could. They are not doing this to manipulate you or get their way. 2) During a meltdown, too much talking is a bad thing. A lot of GD advice is to talk, rationalize, try to talk out the child's feelings. This made my son even more hysterical. I had to pick a simple message and stick with it on repeat. I made no requests. "We need to pick up Daddy before we can get ice cream. We need to pick up Daddy. I know you're mad, but we need to pick up Daddy before we can get ice cream." 3) Talk about it afterwards, if at all. And don't overwhelm with words. Again, while I'm sure that some kids respond well to talking abotu every single detail about every feeling about every event, others don't. It can be overwhelming. Keep it simple, and prepare for repeat events. "We're going to the park today. Last time, when we had to leave, you were upset, weren't you? Remember, we have to leave the park in order to pick up Daddy from work! You're excited to see Daddy, right? Well, we'll have to leave from the park to get him! We'll leave the park, but then we'll go get Dad, and get our dinner!" 4) Too many tactics. At first, I'd try switching tactics if one didn't work. Talk about feelings? Nope. Okay, talk about logical consequences of not leaving park? Nope. Okay, Playful Parenting time! Make a joke! Nope! A meltdown is already too much sensory information, and for my kid, trying different things made things worse, and trying Playful Parenting ideas for jollying him out of the meltdown would make it exponentially worse. He'd scream "YOU"RE LAUGHING AT ME! STOP!" I see your kid feels the same way. I think its not uncommon -- its yet another sign, too, that what works for one kid does not work for them all. If I could, I'd hold him. When he got older, I coudl say "DO you need a hug? Do you need help calming down?" We did timeouts at home, in the sense that I'd take him to his room or someplace quiet and just sit with him, repeating my one-sentence message, until he was calm enough to take deep breaths with me and sit on my lap and rock for awhile. We would not analyze the situation yet - he wasn't ready. He just needed affirmation that he was okay, that he'd survived the meltdown himself, and that he and I were still cool - that I wasn't mad about him losing control. He was clearly even somewhat embarassed by it - remember - meltdowns are NOT FUN. They don't feel good and kids don't like to be in the middle of them. They're not doing it to disrespect you or the rest of the family. With time, you could see some of those techniques kicking in on his own. He'd start to scream, and then you'd see him kind of stop, and shake himself a bit, and take a deep breath, and the moment woudl pass, meltdown-free. |
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Originally Posted by dbsam
Unfortunately, I have nothing helpful to add but understand your situation completely. I just logged on to MDC to look for help after walking away from one of my daughter’s meltdowns. Like your daughter, my daughter’s hysteria – not usually violent but more of a complete emotional breakdown…sobbing, throwing herself on the ground, thrashing, etc can last over an hour. My daughter is 5.5yo and her ‘meltdowns’ have changed in nature over the years but not in intensity. Her behavior is not normally a result of not getting her way…we often cannot determine the reason and she refuses to talk about it after the fact. Trying to talk to her after the fact makes her very upset and can trigger another type of meltdown. Like your daughter, my attempt at humor irritates her even more. She doesn’t want me to talk to her, touch her, etc. If I show any frustration or anger she gets more upset and sometimes, if she is a little calmer, says I do not love her or she is not good . Her neurologist (she has epilepsy) requested a neuro psych evaluation and an evaluation at a mood disorder clinic - for multiple issues; not just the meltdowns. The neuro believes my daughter is depressed and has OCD. I am wondering if it is a side-effect of her anti-seizure meds but the neuro says that is not possible and that the meds are probably lessoning her meltdowns. I am hoping it is just normal for some children and she will grow out of it… but as the years pass I doubt it is ‘normal’. I realize I’ve spent most of her years ‘working around’ her preventable meltdowns but as she gets older that is not always possible. (like keeping our life calm, non-hectic, unscheduled) But more worrisome to me are the situations that come out of the blue, like this morning. She has the meltdowns at school too – sometimes we know the reason - e.g. A boy saw her struggling to clip her bag and he stepped in to help. She melted down because she did not ask for or want his help. They’ve also found her hysterical on the bathroom floor because she couldn’t remember which handle was hot and which was cold on the sink.I am going to get the book pp’s have mentioned. Thank you for this thread. |
We are going to take my daughter in for an evaluation with a local children's mental health centre. We just moved to the area and there is a shortage of doctors in the area so in order to see a doctor we have to wait on a list. Our first choice would be to see a doctor before immediately going in for the mental health evaluation but I don't want to wait months to do it. I really want to help her now if she needs it so that she is more able to handle school in the fall. Like I said it is hard for me to know if this is normal or not and so at this point I'd like to get some outside input. If they say it's totally normal, great! If not then hopefully they can help her and help us to help her.
I appreciate all the feedback I've gotten here and welcome any more input as well.
. It's just when she's confronted with a situation which makes her anxious she's goes from 0 to 60 in a nanosecond. There's sometimes no lead up worrying, but just straight to freak-out. It is much better now than it used to be, but unfortunately, other people really don't know how to deal with it.
