Listening to one parent but not the other

[Code Name Mama]

Well, my hubby says that's the way it is. ds doesn't want dh to change a diaper or get him dressed or get him undressed or brush his teeth or or or.

Here are my thoughts: when dh tries to do something with ds, he's doing it on a schedule. Whether he means to or not, I think he rushes things b/c he's getting ready for work or for bed or something.
When I do these same things with ds, I'm much more laid back about it, because hey - if he doesn't want to brush his teeth now, we can always do it in 30 minutes. KWIM? (I stay at home) I want ds to know that I respect his right to play for awhile longer.

dh just sees that ds listens to me and not him.

The dynamic is wearing me down. dh gets pissed off and upset and then takes it out on me, and I'm sorry but I can't deal with an emotional toddler AND a tantruming husband.

He actually sat down to read part of Raising Our Children Raising Ourselves tonight, and he kept saying "but this is BS - your child is feeding off of your resistance? How am I resisting him when all I did was ASK if he wanted to sit on the potty chair? I didn't even TELL him he had to sit."
(sigh)

I tried to explain that her main point is for him to examine why he reacts the way he does to ds, and that's when I pointed out that he is usually trying to get things done on a certain schedule. He kept saying "but then he'd run around without a diaper!" or "then he wouldn't have brushed teeth!"
And I kept saying - WHO CARES?! It will happen eventually!

I think it's a basic issue of "I'm the parent and he needs to listen," but dh doesn't see it like that - he sees it as "ds only listens to mama, and papa is pushed out of the picture yet again." First breastfeeding, then ds's very obvious mama-preference for the first 18 months, now this.

I don't even know what to do. Hell, I don't even know what I'm asking.

Help?

[Xerxella]

Ugh, ugh, ugh

Hugs, I feel your pain. It's just a fact that kids are more attached to mom for the 1st couple years of life. Plus the parenting style thing and your SAHM-ness is certainly going to have him listening to you more than dad. Also, every kid goes through the power trip of, "No, daddy do" or "No, mommy do."

That being said, here's what we did to facilitate a general better relationship with dad. I set up a daily activity that (basically) only dad does. Ours was the bedtime routine. Dad gets home from work, we have dinner as a family and then dad take AJ up for "snack-bath." (AJ loves getting to eat the crackers, pretzels or some other fun treat. I guess it's dessert, but in the bath.) They have all sorts of games they play and routines they have, but I don't know most of them, because I completely stay out of their domain. Dad's had to deal with some meltdowns and other disasters, but I completely stay out of it.

If bedtime is too difficult, just make it bathtime or wake up in the morning time or breakfast or dinner or whatever. Maybe every night the 2 of them have dinner together for 1/2 hour while you go run errands.

Leave the house if you have to. But, make that time their time. You need to step away. They'll learn to deal with each other and they'll both be better off for it. It's in everyone's best interest for them to have a positive relationship.

[Code Name Mama]

TY for responding! Yes I suggested to him last night that I start leaving the house once or twice a week to give them dedicated time together with no possibility of mama "helping." I think he's receptive to that.
Right now their dedicated time is playtime every evening for about 1-1.5 hrs after dinner/before bed. Maybe that's hindering more than helping, since ds *only* interacts w/dh in a "playful" way. (sigh)
Like I told dh last night, I wish he wasn't so down about it - he "helps" me plenty by giving me that break every night (and for giving me a break on wknds when he's home and playing with ds). But I think it's just him finding his way as a parent.