if you could go back in time and give yourself advice

[doubledutch]

what would you say?

dh and i are awaiting our first counseling session (with a pair of completely fantastic therapists, i promise, they don't suck). i'm trying to have that "hope for the best, prepare for the worst" mindset. the hoping is easy. i know how to do that. (i've been doing it for our entire 8+ year relationship.) the preparing, well, i'm not really sure what to do. how should i prepare for the possibility that things won't pan out and i could end up a single mama?

[Halfasianmomma]

I think I'd tell myself not to stress out so much because whatever is meant to happen will happen.

I'd tell myself to be honest about what I want/need in a marriage, see if my partner is able and willing to give me that, and then go from there.

I would also remind myself that though discomfort is very unpleasant, it never killed anybody; so all the awfulizing I did about the end of my marriage was just a waste of energy. In the end, time moved forward as it always does, I did what I had to do to find more happiness for myself and I survived just fine.

[organicpapayamama]

Originally Posted by Halfasianmomma

I think I'd tell myself not to stress out so much because whatever is meant to happen will happen.

I'd tell myself to be honest about what I want/need in a marriage, see if my partner is able and willing to give me that, and then go from there.

I would also remind myself that though discomfort is very unpleasant, it never killed anybody; so all the awfulizing I did about the end of my marriage was just a waste of energy. In the end, time moved forward as it always does, I did what I had to do to find more happiness for myself and I survived just fine.

oddly enough I wouldnt have told myself to not marry him. Its because of him I have my kids and they mean the world to me. I think people just change and sometimes not for the better. I would have enjoyed what we had when we had it more.

[Theia]

Originally Posted by Halfasianmomma

I think I'd tell myself not to stress out so much because whatever is meant to happen will happen.

I'd tell myself to be honest about what I want/need in a marriage, see if my partner is able and willing to give me that, and then go from there.

I would also remind myself that though discomfort is very unpleasant, it never killed anybody; so all the awfulizing I did about the end of my marriage was just a waste of energy. In the end, time moved forward as it always does, I did what I had to do to find more happiness for myself and I survived just fine.

But especially the part in bold.

[NolaRiordan]

When you are being offered a poop sandwich and told that it's really yummy peanut butter, listen to the voice inside your head that KNOWS it's a poop sandwich.

[robinchap1]

You know, I fooled myself. I still don't even really understand how/why I did this. I didn't bring up some of the really important stuff in therapy. I brought stuff up, and convinced myself that those things were the issues. I was in denial, I guess. A woman friend of his (with whom, of course, it did turn out that he was having affair) was a big issue between us. I still don't understand how come I NEVER brought her up in therapy.

You ask a good question and it makes me think.

I just got out of (not my choice to end it) my 1st relationship since my divorce. I am in a struggling heart broken place right now. But, I am realizing, on a different and much smaller scale (no affairs for one)... I did the same things. Did not trust my gut about some things that were wrong. Didn't want to rock the boat. Let myself believe that I was being true and honest with myself, but I still wasn't.

I don't know if I'm making much sense. I guess my advice is... if you can, be deeply, truly honest with yourself and in therapy. And know that whatever outcome that brings, it what needs to happen. And you will be better for it.

Good luck to you. Couples therapy is hard. Be gentle with yourself in other things right now. hugs.

[One_Girl]

I would tell myself not to ignore so many warning signs of abuse and to follow my gut. I also would tell myself that I would be much happier as a single mom.

[Learning_Mum]

I would tell myself that it's going to suck. It's going to hurt and it's going to be hard, but that life goes on. Time passes. The pain gets better and life gets easier as you create a new routine for yourself. To live in the moment, and just remember not to worry about what the future might bring. Oh, and to find something for me that I enjoy and that makes me feel fulfilled.

I hope you can work it out. As a PP said, be honest. Make sure you really talk about everything that's bothering you. In the end it was lack of communication that ended our marriage.

[doubledutch]

thanks for all the thoughtful (and funny, nola!) advice. what made me think about this was the thread about making sure you have your important documents - i was thinking about practical things like that, having a bank account in your name only, having your name on other important paperwork - all of which i already do, as the sole breadwinner (and kind of the sole grown-up). i like to distract myself with a lot of superficial planning and list-making, but you all didn't let me do that. you all hit on exactly what is happening, that i'm not being honest with myself. i know something in my heart, but i don't want to face it and certainly don't want to say it out loud, to my therapist, dh or anyone else. (i actually swear on a stack of bibles i *didn't* consciously know it until it literally slipped out of my mouth in a conversation with a complete stranger.)

the truth is, i don't actually believe our marriage is sustainable, but i feel like it's way too crappy to just walk away, when i could lay it all out on the table and say, "do you want to do the work with me to fix this?" it's just so much, and dh is so lazy and selfish, that asking for what i want practically is the equivalent of saying, "i'm done here," but i feel like it would be unfair for me not to give dh the chance. that's actually something we talked about early in our relationship. i remember him saying that if i'm unhappy with something, to please not just leave - to please tell him so he can fix it. yet the dynamic of our relationship is such that i never tell him what i think or feel because it doesn't accomplish anything except him getting in a tizzy and me working to make him feel better instead of him ever making any step toward what i want or need. but that's the point of counseling, i guess, to have someone help us navigate these conversations. i just don't know how brutally honest to be.

[mama_miiteg]

I am so thankful for this thread. I am at the start of couples therapy also, Doubledutch. I have no idea what will be talked about, as it is my partner who is driving this process. I look forward to learning more from others who have been in similar situations.

[MsChatsAlot]

I would tell myself to be myself and honor myself and my needs because from that place, I can handle anything and everything.

I would tell myself that sometimes we don't know the best results until it happens...so I would remind myself to have faith that sometimes the bigger picture that I can't fully see yet, is actually the best picture of all.

[Theia]

Originally Posted by doubledutch

thanks for all the thoughtful (and funny, nola!) advice. what made me think about this was the thread about making sure you have your important documents - i was thinking about practical things like that, having a bank account in your name only, having your name on other important paperwork - all of which i already do, as the sole breadwinner (and kind of the sole grown-up). i like to distract myself with a lot of superficial planning and list-making, but you all didn't let me do that. you all hit on exactly what is happening, that i'm not being honest with myself. i know something in my heart, but i don't want to face it and certainly don't want to say it out loud, to my therapist, dh or anyone else. (i actually swear on a stack of bibles i *didn't* consciously know it until it literally slipped out of my mouth in a conversation with a complete stranger.)

the truth is, i don't actually believe our marriage is sustainable, but i feel like it's way too crappy to just walk away, when i could lay it all out on the table and say, "do you want to do the work with me to fix this?" it's just so much, and dh is so lazy and selfish, that asking for what i want practically is the equivalent of saying, "i'm done here," but i feel like it would be unfair for me not to give dh the chance. that's actually something we talked about early in our relationship. i remember him saying that if i'm unhappy with something, to please not just leave - to please tell him so he can fix it. yet the dynamic of our relationship is such that i never tell him what i think or feel because it doesn't accomplish anything except him getting in a tizzy and me working to make him feel better instead of him ever making any step toward what i want or need. but that's the point of counseling, i guess, to have someone help us navigate these conversations. i just don't know how brutally honest to be.

The things I bolded really stood out to me. Since he has said before that he wants the chance to work things out, give it to him. But before you go into counseling, make a list of what you need, your deal breakers. If he can't do X in the relationship, then you can't stay. If laying it all out there, being honest with yourself and him is basically saying "I'm done here", then so be it. But being honest with yourself and him about your needs in the relationship is the only way to happiness. From the death of any relationship a new life comes to you.

If what you have to say to him will be viewed by him as brutal, it is unfortunate. But through complete honesty about your needs, if things don't work, at least he will know why.

[vocalise]

I'd probably tell myself, "Don't let his crazy drive you crazy." And, "When it feels wrong, it is wrong."

I really like the poop sandwich analogy, though. That might be my new mantra.

[Zeta]

I really resonated with everyone's reflections. I want to echo what MCA said. From the vantage point of a failing marriage, you have a particular view of the situation, but it is limited in some ways. There were many things that at the start of my journey, seemed like worst case scenarios. But as I moved forward in the journey, and more was revealed, they came to seem like best case scenarios, to be worked for, to be grateful for when they came to pass. Just to say, you can't measure the value of all of the possible outcomes from the outset.

Stay loose, keep your eyes open, keep doing the "next right thing," and all will unfold. You will be okay, and your kids will, too. Trust in the process of being true to yourself, and keep doing your best even if it feels entirely inadequate, and let go of ideas of what things "should" look like. That is what I would tell myself if I could go back in time, to when I was standing on what felt like the precipice of my failing marriage.

I wish you strength and compassion--for yourself-- as you move through whatever is before you.

[butterfly1976]

I nodded my head so much with reading these posts.....Someone told me once that the worst lie to tell is to yourself.....I wish someone had told me that when we were going through it all. I would have told myself to build a strong support system of people who ACTUALLY care about my kids and me.

I would have told myself that some things just aren't worth fixing...Basically, if he doesn't care, then why should I try to fix it? It takes TWO to make a marriage work, not just one to limp it around.

I would have told myself to stop financially supporting him....and give to myself and my kids more. I would have said, being a single mom is hard sometimes, but being in a dead marriage to a selfish, lazy man is worse!!

I would have gotten my financial ducks in a row. Benjamin Franklin has helped/saved me more than any man on this planet has. LOL I would have told myself that you are so much stronger/better than this bs!

I would have told myself that even though he tells you different, you really are an attractive woman when you're dolled up. I never realized until after we split, that I could fix myself up really nice and feel good about myself and could also turn a man's head....LOLLLLL

So many things............

[ItsAllGood]

I would tell myself Life is Beautiful and not to give up on myself and give faith a chance. Be the support to yourself that you would be to a friend.

[goodygumdrops]

Originally Posted by NolaRiordan

When you are being offered a poop sandwich and told that it's really yummy peanut butter, listen to the voice inside your head that KNOWS it's a poop sandwich.

Seriously, this is funniest sentence I've read on MDC in a while!!!

[doubledutch]

thanks again, everyone! the advice is really great.

i'm having a tough time pinning down what the core issues really are (rather than a laundry list of problems, ranging from little to big) and defining what i need versus which stuff i'm willing to let slide. i don't know why this is so hard for me.

i don't want to approach it bit-by-bit for two reasons. one is, i feel like a lot of the things i'm unhappy about are symptoms rather than the actual problem (so if we only treat the symptoms, then new symptoms will continue to arise). the other reason is, i don't want it to be a zillion little things i'm asking dh to change. it feels so nit-picky and kind of mean. i guess a third reason would be that i want, like, an all-encompassing dramatic change because i don't feel i have the energy or patience to deal with this bs anymore.

is there some process i could use to help me understand what the issues are? it sounds kind of silly, but self-awareness isn't exactly my strong point.

[Zeta]

Originally Posted by doubledutch

thanks again, everyone! the advice is really great.

i'm having a tough time pinning down what the core issues really are (rather than a laundry list of problems, ranging from little to big) and defining what i need versus which stuff i'm willing to let slide. i don't know why this is so hard for me.

i don't want to approach it bit-by-bit for two reasons. one is, i feel like a lot of the things i'm unhappy about are symptoms rather than the actual problem (so if we only treat the symptoms, then new symptoms will continue to arise). the other reason is, i don't want it to be a zillion little things i'm asking dh to change. it feels so nit-picky and kind of mean. i guess a third reason would be that i want, like, an all-encompassing dramatic change because i don't feel i have the energy or patience to deal with this bs anymore.

is there some process i could use to help me understand what the issues are? it sounds kind of silly, but self-awareness isn't exactly my strong point.

This won't make it easier, because it will require a lot of self-probing, but I think that it will help reduce it down to more categories of things (rather than a lot of little things) if you list out some of the things you wish he would change, and try to figure out what need of yours you are trying to meet, and how you can best meet that need, and how his behaviors fit into meeting that need. The more you can clarify your needs that aren't being met, and specific behaviors that you need from him, I think the more it starts heading for a game plan.

[lilyka]

Originally Posted by NolaRiordan

When you are being offered a poop sandwich and told that it's really yummy peanut butter, listen to the voice inside your head that KNOWS it's a poop sandwich.

hell to the yeah!!!