Just left him yesterday. Scared to death.

[Lacrymosa]

I just left my two year long verbally abusive relationship yesterday and thought the hardest part was going to be dealing with getting over that/dealing with him trying to manipulate me to come back. Today I have been hit with the realization that I am Asia's sole caretaker. Everything depends on me and I am scared to death. I've got that sick, terrified, sinking feeling of despair and nothing makes it go away. I already had anxiety before so... yeah. Any words of support/encouragement would be helpful. I've gone back to this guy 3 times in the past and I can't do it again. I'm very easily manipulated by him and I just really need to be strong this time for the baby and I, but suddenly I'm just utterly terrified of being a single mother. What if I ruin her life? What if she hates me later for taking her away from her dad? What if she doesn't understand? What if she chooses to live with him later? What if I can't support her like I need to? What if it turns out I'm not a very good mother? I'm flooded with these thoughts right now. She's also a very high maintenence baby and doesn't give me a moments break so I feel as though I'm losing it and never get a moments peace to try and deal with everything that is happening. It's so much change and change makes me so anxious.

Anyways.. sorry for the rant. I start therapy next week so hopefully not much more of these kinds of posts but I'll definitely be around..

[Lacrymosa]

Do I sound crazy? 43 views and no replies.

[MamaFern]

i think its really terrible that so many people have viewed and no one has said anything.. im sorry mama, you deserve support here.

i know how it feels to leave someone and go back and leave and go back. im in a relationship like that too. we have 3 children together and its really hard. its confusing and scary and all you can do is go one day at a time. if you are leaving him because you believe that her life, your life will be better, safer, happier away from him then you are doing the right thing. therapy is a really good choice to make..
do you have any other family/friends that could give you some help?
if you look into your community resources, you might be surprised how much is out there for families.

take care and please dont let the unresponsive readers keep you from posting again if you need support. the thing about mdc is it used to be this amazingly small supportive place that has grown huge..dont take it personally, you are not crazy.

fern

[DanishMom]

Dealing with your baby girl alone will be simpler than dealing with emotional abuse. Much easier to care for a child when you don't subject yourself to abuse. Abuse robs you of your soul and strength.

Get out so that your daughter will not be in an abusive relationship when she gets older. Do it to protect her now and later. She will blame you for not leaving!

Get all the help and support you can. I'm not an US citizen so others mamas will know much more about the available resources.

Mamas - please help here!!!

Take good care of you and your daughter.

[Lacrymosa]

Thanks for responding. Honestly even the slightest encouragement really helps.. thank you

[josybear]

that panicked, drowning feeling isn't the only feeling that's going to sweep over you in the coming weeks, months, years. also a huge sense of relief that it's over, feeling overwhelmingly blessed, being exhausted beyond anything you though possible, and more. such a huge transition is tumultuous and i don't know how anyone could avoid having second thoughts or being stressed out. just take it one day at a time and be gentle with yourself. the pieces will fall into place.

[runes]

hang in there, mama. i am 6 months out of an emotionally abusive relationship and am just now getting my feet under me. as a pp mentioned, this type of abuse robs you of your heart, soul and spirit. give yourself time to heal, grow and find yourself again. find your balance. find your voice. it gets easier over time.

you did the best thing you could do for your little girl. you stood up for yourself and you are showing her what a strong, capable woman looks and acts like. that is priceless.

[Theia]

You can do this. I am one year out of an abusive relationship. My DD is now 2. It's crazy really. But it's also good. As long as you are with the right supportive counselor, stay with them too. I've been in counseling regularly since May. And I am no where near ready to stop. Also consider contacting your local DV shelter. They will have services they can refer you to and possibly a support group. Any time you feel weak and like you want to go back to him you can call them. My local DV group has 3 different support group times, and also a lawyer that works with the women needing assistance.

And you are not crazy. Have you read about verbal/emo abuse and it's cycle? If not I highly suggest it. It helped me to realize that the tactics DD father was using on me were truly meant to make me think I was crazy. Dr Irene is a great site for that.

Stay strong. Protecting my DD from that kind of relationship was very motivating for me.

[runes]

also:

http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2007/0...start-healing/

[Halfasianmomma]

Mama, you've made a very brave choice. If anything, your daughter will thank you later on. I think your doubts and stress at this point are entirely normal. But trust in your instinct; you chose to leave because deep down you knew that you could offer yourself and your daughter a better life.

With regards to "ruining her life", I don't think that's what your doing. By removing her from a home life that would teach her that it's ok for men to mistreat their spouses, you're giving her a gift!

With regards to her choosing her dad, or going to live with him later on...that's just something you can deal with IF and WHEN it actually happens. I think the hardest thing I'm having to accept right now is that though I'll do anything to protect my DD, she will grow up to be her own person and she'll make her own choices, no matter what I think. All I can do is be there for her and let her make her mistakes. I too left an abusive spouse and I'm dealing with all the custody crap that comes with separation...as much as it's a gigantic pain the butt, it's WAY BETTER than staying with my STBX.

[rayo de sol]

You did the right thing, Lacrymosa! It's fabulous that you have left that abusive relationship.

And I can tell you from the perspective of a daughter that we only blame our mothers for NOT leaving an abusive man.

Someday your daughter will be very grateful that you left him.

[Everrgreen]

First all of all, big to you!! You should be so proud of yourself for taking such a scary big step in order to do what's best for your daughter and you.

I have no experience with being in an emotionally abusive relationship, but like you I am just starting the whole 'single mother' thing, and it is SCARY! There are so many things to think about that it could easily overwhelm me and make me go crazy (and I have days when it does). I am trying really hard to just focus on one day. Just today. Don't try and think too far ahead because it is too much. And reach out for support, in whatever way you can. Post here! I find it to be such a relief to just send my thoughts/fears/panics out into cyberspace. And there are so many supportive people here that always seem to say the right thing. Take care of yourself mama!

[*MamaJen*]

Being a single mother is a million times better than being in an abusive relationship. Try the surviving abuse forum for more stories from the other side.

[zacharysmom]

im 13 years out i left when my DS was 13 weeks old. my best advice is one day at a time when that is too much then one minuet at a time youcan do it!!
take a deep breath exhale slowly you both will be far better off then having your child seeing abusive actions as ok. postive vibes coming your way mama

[danaalex]

you are not crazy! you are doing the right thing. it will take some time to believe that in your own head, but you'll get there.

i wish i had left my husband years ago, when i only had one little baby. but, i didn't. i let his words and actions rip me of every once of self confidence, self esteem, and self worth i had. i had 5 kids, and stayed because i believed i had no choice. well, i finally woke up!!! i don't want to raise my kids in an environment like that. they deserve MUCH better! and i don't want to be unhealthy in my thinking of MYSELF! i want my daughters to KNOW they are worth sooo much regardless of what a man thinks of them!!

it took me almost a year to get to this point. give yourself some time, you'll get there. i am no longer worried about NOT being good enough, or thinking that i'm gonna screw them up by being a single mom. i know i did the right thing. you will too!!

hugs! it does get better. be gentle with yourself and in time all you will see is the sunshine in your life

[RiverSky]

Your daughter will NOT grow up to blame you. I'm sure it will be very clear to her that you are the one who is there with her, no matter what, and her father is simply not.

I agree with the PP who said that daughters only ever blame their mothers for staying with SOB's.

My mother left my father when I was less than 2, and I have never, ever blamed her, never for once second. Did I blame him? Totally. He could always have come visited, but he never ever did (I have never seen him since).

On the other hand, my mother later married a man who she was married to for 24 years, and I wish so much that she had left him much earlier, so we didn't have to put up with his crap.

You can do it! You will be there for your daughter and she will love you always, through thick and thin. Really!

[quester]

You've done the right thing.

I'm almost 17 years out. The first year was the hardest and is a bit of a blur- but so much better than being in an abusive relationship. If you can take care of yourself and your little one- AND deal with him- then you can certainly handle taking care of you and your baby. Don't be afraid to lean on the supportive people in your life right now- you're going to need your friends. Don't worry if you feel a little crazy sometimes- it's normal.

A friend of mine made a list of all of her ex's very worst traits- including things that wouldn't bother anyone but her, things she considered silly- and then whenever she was feeling susceptible to his "charms" she would read through the list. It really helped her through the first vulnerable bit.

Wishing you all the best!!

[basje]

Good for you!

Good for you for leaving and choosing to believe that you deserve to be treated with respect and in relationship with someone who does not abuse you. Isn't it amazing how challenging it can be to really *live* the belief that you do not deserve to be abused? Making this change is going to be difficult at times but you can confront it successfully and have a healthy relationships.

As for you concerns, I almost didn't post, but because of your urging I will. You're utterly terrified of being a single mother, why exactly is that? I mean what is it about single motherhood that is so horrible or undoable? This is something to maybe think about. You might be surprised to find that there are some really nice things about being a single mom, that you've been missing while in relationship. If you think it's going to be dire, I bet it will be though.

Maybe someday, for a little while, she will hate you for taking her away from her dad. Or at least in the way that teenagers do so well tell you she hates you. She might. She also might tell you how much she hates you for not letting her go to a friends house when she wants too. If a relationship with her dad is something she desires down the line, that's something for her and her father to figure out. Maybe at some point she will want to live with her father. If she does you'll talk about it, and maybe she will for a while. This doesn't mean that she doesn't love you or hates you, it's likely not even about you, it's about her relationship with her father. She isn't going to "understand" everything that you've gone through, how you experience things now, she is a child. It's not her responsibility to understand. But she doesn't need to understand to know that she is loved, that you try to make good choices in your mothering and set a healthy, functional example for her to witness.

Have you ruined her live so far? Are you not a very good mother so far? Somehow I think, although you've likely made some mistakes, that she's still got all her body parts, laughs, dreams, and you've been figuring it out together. This isn't going change because you're no longer in a romantic relationship. You're still going to make mistakes and she's still going to be your amazing daughter.

Things are not about to fall apart. Things are about to be put back together. You have a beautiful opportunity to craft a better life for you and you family.

[MissLotus]

OP, you gave your daughter a huge gift by getting away from that relationship.

You will be giving her a peaceful home, where ugly behavior isn't modeled. A home where you can be at peace with yourself, focusing on life's positive things and moving forward. This type of atmosphere will be so, so much better than witnessing ugly scenes between her parents, and thinking that's how women should be treated. You are not taking her father away from her... I always say that if a man is going to be a good father, he's going to be a good father and it has nothing to do with the status of his marriage.

Your life is yours now and you can build it up the way you want to, building a support system so you DON'T feel so alone in caring for your child. Along with the fear, please let yourself also feel the vast relief in not being subject to abuse! Because that is 100% awesome.