My father is dying...

[VisionaryMom]

and I don't really know him.

My parents were very young when I was born, and they split up months after my birth. My dad was in and out. He's a bit of a wanderer. I really didn't know him well until I was about 20. Then he started calling me, and we've gotten to know each other okay since then.

He was diagnosed with colo-rectal cancer 3 years ago. He's had surgery, radiation, and 3 rounds of chemo. About 2 months ago, he called to talk to me about his will, life insurance, etc. I thought then that was a bad sign, but since my mom has talked to me about these things and she's healthy, I thought maybe he was just covering his bases.

I live 600 miles from my family. My maternal grandmother saw my dad the other day and said he looks terrible. She explained how he looked to my mom (who's a nurse with oncology experience), and she said she'd really be surprised if he made it until the summer.

I'm not sure what to do. Part of me wants to go stay with him while he's healthy, but that would mean uprooting DC. Plus, honestly, I'm not sure if that's just putting myself through more pain since I'd really be getting to know him because he's dying. It would be like losing him all over again, and I went through that pain in childhood.

I know that no one can decide for me, but I'm really afraid of how this loss will affect me (is that selfish?). I want to do the right thing for everyone involved.

[Mama Mko]

I don't have any advice but that sounds really difficult.

[VisionaryMom]

Thanks. Tonight I found out that a woman we know tangentially who's a local doula also has training in death midwifery. I've emailed her about using her services to work through some of the questions, so I'm hoping that will help.

Unfortunately - among all else - my dad is unmarried. I'm his oldest child, so all decisions will be up to me legally. For my mom, I have a better idea, but I don't know what my dad would want. It's not a fun conversation to begin.

[kcstar]

A friend of mine mentioned how when his father was dying, the father asked all the children to come up for six weeks to visit while he was well. The father also told them outright that he didn't need them to come to his funeral.

I followed a similar philosophy with my mother who died just last Sunday. In my case, while I am the oldest, I have several adult siblings who live in town with my parents, and two high-school age who still live at home. So I moved closeR to home where I could visit several times a year and get there in an emergency.

As things were going downhill, I made more and longer visits. We spent probably 3-4 days in town over Thanksgiving, two visits adding up to 9-10 days over Christmas where she was relatively healthy. Then we went up when her liver started failing, and stayed the two weeks through today's funeral.

All decisions, legally, will be up to the person(s) designated with Power of Attorney or as Executor of his will. This does not have to be the oldest child. I'm the oldest child and my parents chose my sister (who lives in town and has had a closer relationship to them). If that is currently you, and you wish to keep that responsibility, then I would suggest making plans to visit soon, plan a trip near the currently-prognosed end, and be prepared to make an emergency trip if he takes a turn for the worse. If you do not wish to keep that responsibility, NOW is the right time to look into backup people and, if required, change the will.

My mom had three powers of attorney in preparation for this event. The first/ primary was for my dad (her husband), the second was for my sister, and the third was for her sister. According to my parents attorney, all three of them were valid. The second or third could be used if the first or second was unwilling or unable to handle the responsibility for any reason (including being the one attending my mother).

Now, since my father is the surviving spouse, I don't think there's a whole lot to execute yet. Your situation, with an unmarried father, will be different in ways that I as a non-lawyer layperson can't fully say.

Edited to Add:
If you are strapped for budget (as most of us are), get to know who your father's friends are. We stayed at a hotel for most of the visits, and that gets expensive fast. On this last trip, we were blessed with an offer from a member of my parents church, that we could stay at her house. We took her up on that offer for our second week in town.