Why does it irritate people so much if you don't find out the sex?

[1babysmom]

Seriously, this is our 3rd baby and 3rd time we HAVEN'T found out. Some peopel are so weird about it. Like they'll ask if we found out, and I'll say no, and they come back with something that is almost like they're trying to "punish" me for it. WTH? Like one family member I have always tells me that she can't give me any gifts (she makes them) since she doesn't know. (not that I expect her to, but really, why say it like she does as if she's teaching me a lesson? Or baby showers (not that I've been offered one )...I have a friend who was offered a shower with her first baby until they found out that she was on "team green" and then the shower got "cancelled" until people knew whether they were supposed to buy for a boy/girl. (not sure if they ever actually gave her the shower or not)

And then there are the people who are just irritated, period, because you don't have a definite answer for them as to whether you're having a boy or a girl.

[at_the_hip]

Hi there,
I have the opposite issue since many people don't find out here (many u/s places just won't tell you!). They think it's weird that I do want to find out!! Like, "oh...I didn't take you for THAT type of person..." What the heck does that mean?? LOL

People make rude comments. A LOT. I don't know where the manners are or why people feel the need, but they do!

[Kirsten]

We chose to be surprised all three times. Well, didn't have any ultrasounds with dc2 or dc3 so we pretty much had no means of finding out anyway. We have three girls, and guess what? The stores still sold me pink clothes and baby dolls after the baby was outside my body.

Whenever people know what they are having (which is most of the time), I never comment. When the rare person says they don't know, I am usually so excited that I do a little jump/clap combo.

I do understand finding out for those who've suffered a loss though. Whatever makes you feel better about what must be a really scary situation is good by me.

[1babysmom]

Originally Posted by Kirsten

When the rare person says they don't know, I am usually so excited that I do a little jump/clap combo.

Me too!

[MaerynPearl]

I plan on finding out and lying as much as I can that I dont know because I dont want to hear all of the well my sisters cousins nephews baby was a boy but the ultrasound said a girl type stories.

or the oh you are carrying different than I expected for said gender!

or do you crave such and such and such?

Ill just tell them I don't know, I have one of each so I want this one to surprise me!

[starkyld]

Every single person (friend, family, & stranger) who has asked me what sex Bagel is responded positively when I said that I wouldn't be finding out until the birth. My mom has had the exact same experience when she has been asked about my pregnancy. Both sets of grandparents and my friends who are throwing me a shower are particularly supportive of me not finding out. I was expecting the occasional negative comment, but everyone has sounded so refreshed by the idea of not knowing.

[BlackSheepPDX]

I haven't gotten any pushback about not finding out. But even if I did find out I wouldn't tell people because I HATE the boys must wear blue, girls must wear pink nonsense, and I do everything in my power to avoid it. A child is a child. Gender is a social construct. Let the child be THEMSELVES.

[Peace+Hope]

wow, i haven't heard any negative comments about our choice not to find out! sometimes people are surprised, and ask if/why i'm not having an ultrasound. i think they are more surprised about no U/S, since it is basically standard care (in practice) for most women these days.

out of 30 things on my registry, only 2 are clothing items/would potentially be something people could even pick to buy NOT gender neutral.

[SheBear]

I've found it to be slightly easier when I say "Well, we aren't doing any ultrasounds, so obviously we won't find out until the birth!" They are so distracted by the notion that (GASP!) we aren't having an ultrasound....like wondering if it's their moral obligation to report us for gross negligence or something....that they forget to comment on the fact that we don't care to find out the sex ahead of time!

Actually, we did end up finding out this time--we had "scare" about twins....thought we found 2 heartbeats and decided that wasn't the kind of surprise we were prepared to handle at birth! Since we were spying anyway, we decided to find out...I sorta regret it a teensy bit now, even though my instincts were confirmed, because now all the people who were pestering us about the sex have switched to pestering us about a name! :rollseyes

I guess if it's people who are close to you (ie, you can't avoid them, and you don't want to cause trouble by confronting them), you could fib a bit and say you tried to find out but the baby wouldn't cooperate.....might take a bit of the heat off!

[1babysmom]

Oh, don't get me wrong. We don't ONLY hear negative things. But we do seem to be one of the last families around here that doesn't find out. I like it, though. I just think people who are irritated by it are being just plain weird.

[sheriwx]

I think it's in large part not irritation, but disappointment that they have to wait to find out. Well, I guess it could be irritation as well if they really want to get you a gift. Let's face it, it's HARD to find gender neutral gifts (at least in Nevada), and when you do find them then never seem quite as personal.

So yeah, I think people are disappointed that they don't get to know what you're having, and perhaps irritated at YOU for making them be disappointed.

[Plummeting]

Originally Posted by MaerynPearl

I plan on finding out and lying as much as I can that I dont know because I dont want to hear all of the well my sisters cousins nephews baby was a boy but the ultrasound said a girl type stories.

or the oh you are carrying different than I expected for said gender!

or do you crave such and such and such?

Ill just tell them I don't know, I have one of each so I want this one to surprise me!

Ugh. My experience has been that you get those questions about ten times as much when they think you don't know the sex. With DD we did find out, and once we found out people mostly left me alone about all that - I probably didn't think so at the time, but compared to how much they're bothering me now, it was NOTHING. This time we don't know and I'm going to scream the next time someone tells me that it "must be a [insert sex here] because [insert stupid old wives' tale here]".

[momasana]

Originally Posted by at_the_hip

Hi there,
I have the opposite issue since many people don't find out here (many u/s places just won't tell you!). They think it's weird that I do want to find out!! Like, "oh...I didn't take you for THAT type of person..." What the heck does that mean?? LOL

People make rude comments. A LOT. I don't know where the manners are or why people feel the need, but they do!

I have run into this, too. I found out with our first and would like to find out for our second. The response is always "Really??? Why can't you just wait until they are born to find out?"

I agree that people just have to say SOMETHING about EVERYTHING. No matter what you do (or don't do) people have to take issue with it.

[jennica]

I am not finding out this time, but did find out last time. So far, no one really seems to care either way. My SIL is the only one giving me a hard time, but I get why, it's because she works at the Mall and she is just dying to go shopping. I told her I was happy to not tell everyone because I didn't want a bunch of sports clothes again if it was a boy, and I don't want a bunch of pink fu fu stuff if it's a girl. She understood on that and we talked about how gender coded baby clothes are. I told her I actually preferred gender neutral clothing and had a lot left over from Ds, so didn't think I would need a lot of new clothes. I think if it was my first, it would not have gone over so well though.

[RedOakMomma]

Why does it irritate people so much if you don't find out the sex?

Because this is a consumerist culture, and people feel weirded out if they can't recognize major life events in the way that feels most comfortable to them: BUYING something.

I also think we're very into dividing expectations by sex, and it bothers people to have to think gender-neutral about anything for any length of time.

They want to know what to buy, and they want to be able to visualize the new sex/gender arrangement in your family. You're denying them that, and it's uncomfortable to them.

That said, it's their problem--not yours!

[MaerynPearl]

My family's problem is wanting to know what to call the baby and not just baby.

This time we have them calling the baby Tribble. Thats good enough for them.

[laughingfox]

I have had strangers and family members get angry about my not finding out. It's crazy.

I do have fun, though, when people ask what I'm having and I reply "I don't know. What do you think?"
I like the old wive's tales and everything. Everyone was right with DD. Seriously, not one person said boy.
This time, almost everyone says boy, but a few have said girl. We'll see.

[Smokering]

Good name, Tribble! Can't you just imagine the baby cooing inside you?

Most people were approving of our choice not to find out. Some seemed to act as if we'd made The Moral Choice, which is rather odd; others were surprised but thought it was cool just because it was uncommon.

[triony]

Originally Posted by BlackSheepPDX

I haven't gotten any pushback about not finding out. But even if I did find out I wouldn't tell people because I HATE the boys must wear blue, girls must wear pink nonsense, and I do everything in my power to avoid it. A child is a child. Gender is a social construct. Let the child be THEMSELVES.

Exactly!!!! I love, love, love baby blue, and if I have a girl, I still want to use it. I foresee much annoyance

[dogretro]

Originally Posted by 1babysmom

I have a friend who was offered a shower with her first baby until they found out that she was on "team green" and then the shower got "cancelled" until people knew whether they were supposed to buy for a boy/girl. (not sure if they ever actually gave her the shower or not)

That is seriously one of the dumbest things I've ever heard. Babies still need car seats, bouncy chairs, strollers, slings, swings, binkies, diapers, etc & all of that stuff is mostly made in gender neutral colors b/c families use them for more than one child. There are also gn infant clothes. As for making things, hasn't anyone ever heard of the color yellow? Or green? Or purple? Orange? Seriously. We received a beautiful, tiny, soft yellow knit blanket that had flecks of both pink and blue in it. Totally adorable and totally gn (we didn't find out w/ dd). AFTER she was born, we got flooded w/ girl clothes which was TOTALLY fine.

W/ the new baby, we know she is a girl. We get asked about her name all the time & we still don't have one picked out, lol!