Financially supporting 18 yr old pregnant daughter?

[Mamita79]

My 18 year old stepdaughter is pregnant. Neither she nor her boyfriend (the baby's father) has a job. He had a temp job, but it ended and he is now looking for a new job. She has really never had a job. She worked p/t at a pizza place for a little while, but quit right after she found out she was pregnant. She's very spoiled and immature. She still asks her dad for $20 every week to go to the mall. She never saves any money. She even has had her dad buy gifts for hey boyfriends (up to $200 when she was as young as 12). OK, I'm getting a little side-tracked now, but that's just a little background on her relationship with her dad.

So, anyway, she's now pregnant. She goes back and forth between living with us and her mom's extended family, which live in the apartment upstairs in our house, and living with her mom (three hours away from us). She just started college this fall, but is not going this semester.

Her mother and stepfather and her father and I have NO money.. We are not even making ends meet right now. We have no health insurance, our cable got shut off today, our cell phones will be turned off any minute now and we may lose our car.

My question is, how much responsibility to we have in supporting her financially (and the new baby). If I could, I'd give them everything, although I'd still want to teach her to be responsible for herself. However, she has had really bad morning sickness and can't afford to pay for the medication she needs to help with it. She said she needs $100. I gave her 20 the other day (and believe me, I could not even spare that) and she acted so ungrateful because it wasn't enough. SHe didn't even say thank you.

What would you do in this situation? By the way, we also have 3 other children (under 18) to support.

Our financial situation should be improving soon, but we are WAY behind on bills, so it's going to take a LONG time to catch up.

Also, I've been helping her by collecting donating books, stuffed animals and clothes for the baby and buying a couple dollar store items when I can. She (and the father) doesn't seem to have any idea what kind of responsibility they have with having a baby. I don't think they even think about it.

[bandgeek]

She needs to start by applying for medicaid and WIC I think. It's not hard to qualify when you are pregnant with no job, even if you live with someone who's income is over the limit (unless it's your husband of course ). Having to go down to job and family services office and the health department is a bit stressful, but it's a huge step to take in growing up, especially when you are young and in that situation. I think the first time someone could accompany her, but otherwise, she needs to get herself up there for appointments and stuff. They can help with a lot of things...here they even give you gas cards to get to and from medical appointments, or transportation if you don't have a car. But you have to be organized and on time with the paperwork they want.

I don't think it's unreasonable to expect her to hold down a part-time job while pregnant, assuming she's not severely sick or has other complications.

I think you and your DH both need to have a frank talk with her about finances. She needs to know that things are tight for *everyone* and she's an adult now and needs to do her part. Her baby is depending on her. She can't be bouncing from house to house trying to get someone to support her.

I also wouldn't keep buying things for the baby. Babies don't need a whole lot and what they DO need, she needs to be aware that these things don't just magically appear. Take her to thrift stores with you. Tell her what babies need. Explain to her how to stretch her money so the baby has everything it needs.

[Mamita79]

She did have medicaid, but she said it got messed up somehow and she's trying to fix it, which is why she can't get the medication right now. I also emailed her a whole bunch of links to medicaid, Wic, social services, etc. and told her to let me know if she needs help with anything. I don't think there's much more that I could do. SHe needs to step up and take some responsibility.

[EFmom]

If she's 18, legally, you don't have to support her at all.

I agree to the frank discussion part, but maybe a frank discussion with your dh is in order first so that you are on the same page.

If it were my kid, I would probably allow her to continue living with us, but that's the total extent of any finacial support that I would provide, no matter what our finances were like. She and the father would be entirely responsible for everything else.

[Marsupialmom]

I would talk to my dh first.

Then talk to her, together. Make WE statements.

I feel the family might be "enabling" her. If she is moving from family to family she is moving to the best situation for the momment. She needs to "grow" up.

[Ornery]

If she is having a baby, she needs to be responsible. I was a 16 year old teenage mother and I had to grow up really fast. I had no idea of the responsibility that babies required (I had barely even babysitted) but I learned extremely quickly. My parents helped me by not enabling immature behavior. I was allowed to live with them with my son (when my relationship failed) but I was required to go to my college classes full time and support myself by working full time as a waitress. Supporting myself entailed paying for my car and its upkeep, my gas, my car and health insurance, giving them a small sum of money each month for rent and utilities, paying for daycare, buying groceries, diapers, clothes, etc. They did give me practical gifts (heck, they still do) that really helped but only when they could. They also helped me find grants and scholarships to pay for college. They did not pay for anything outright. In fact, it took me many, many years to pay off my hospital birth. In addition, they did not allow me to use them as a non-stop babysitting service. They did babysit every once in awhile so as to allow me a break but not very often. They set extremely clear boundaries with me and held firm to them.

In your situation, I would speak with DH, maybe outline our budget and how giving her $20 every week (or whatever) is impacting it and make a decision together about how we could best support step-daughter while not enabling her. I would also probably use this time to set up secure boundaries about childcare etc. Then I would have DH approach stepdaughter and lay it all out. I would ask DH to be very honest with her about your budget and how much you will be able to support her and her child. It sounds like she is expecting more than you are able to give. DH might also want to let her know that you would be willing to help her thrift shop or help her with paperwork for Medicaid or whatever your willing to help her with so that she doesn't feel like you are totally abandoning her.

I think parents who take over parenting for their teenage children are doing those children and their grandchildren a great disservice (that is, of course, negated if neglect or abuse is involved).

[doulatara]

I have been supporting myself financially since I was 17, actually I was paying my mom's mortgage before that, and had my daughter just after I turned 22.

I agree with others that said she should apply for WIC, medicaid and other kinds of aid. If you do house her, make strong conditions in which she must abide by to live under your roof: either she needs to go to school or she needs to work parttime. Research vitamins and dietary aids in order to diminish her morning sickness. I eventually did drop out of 2/4 of my classes during pregnancy because I would always have to get off the bus once, sometimes twice to throwup and would always end up late!

She does need to learn responsibility in order to be a successful parent, and no you are not required to help her, but to have a firm base of support, whether financial or emotional will help her alot. My father is very well off, and I can tell you it does hurt to watch him buy a second vacation home or another Lexus while I could barely afford to feed myself, but in the end every single thing i have done has been on my own, and I feel a great sense of pride in that. (I realize you situation is different than mine, but just saying.)

If she is spoiled she probably will act out alot in the beginning, but in the long run you will be doing what is best for your grandchild. can you get on the same page with her mom and other family members, so everyone will expect her to work or go to school, so that she won't just bounce around to whichever home requires her to do the least?

[SashaBreeze]

I agree with the other posters in that your responsibility is not to so much financially support her as to help her learn the skills to support herself and her child, and also how to take care of the baby. I had my oldest at 18 and lived with my mom during the pregnancy and for the first year after my dd's birth. The deal was that I had to either be going to collage or working, and really that is fair. Not to be presumptuous, but is the problem she is having with Medicaid that she did not turn in her paperwork to re-certify? If so she needs to realize that she has GOT to stay on top of that.
Are there classes around were you are that offer training to adults in things like home finance/management? If so see if she will attend. Sometimes it is easier for her to take the bad news that she will have to pay her own bills with her own money from a third party. If she has never taken care of a child before then maybe look into teaching her some basic skills? Breastfeeding classes? Infant CPR? Those are all things that might help her see the responsibility that is coming up.
One of the biggest gifts that my mom gave me when I was a single teenage mom, though I didn't view it as a "gift" at the time, was that she refused to be a live in babysitter. Try your best to encourage her to breastfeed.

[showurhorns]

I am a teenmother of a 18yr DS. I had him right before my 16th birthday. Your S-DD is 18yr? She needs to support herself as much as she can. VIA WIC, Medicaide. Even @ 15 I choose to continue the pregnancy SO...that meant I had to take responsibility for myself and DS. My parents were very supportive. I still lived @ home and the help provide the "necessitities". That is a key word. After the baby was born I went to school,worked and took care of my DS. There are programs out there for assists w/ childcare, so she may continue her education and have a job. If you enable her now YOU will raise that baby! TOUGH LOVE is the only answer!!!! BUT it does need to come from your DH.