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i stopped trying to bf

post #1 of 30
Thread Starter 
Please don't flame me for this, i know what I did was bad but right now I just want to put it behind me.

I just had my 2nd child 2.5 weeks ago. With my first, i breastfed for only about a week before starting supplement, at which point he rejected the breast and I pumped hat I could get until around 2 mo. I had been told i had low supply but after reading everything about how low supply is mostly just a myth I believed I had just been mismanaged. Ever since then I always dreamed of BF my next. When i got pregnant, I asked everyone I knew who breastfed for advice.I went to an LLL meeting while pregnant.I even insisted to my OB that i stay on metformin throughout my pregnancy because I had heard it can help with low supply for people with PCOS. After I had her, right away I was screaming at the nurses to give her to me immediately so I could feed her. It felt so amazing to have a second chance. Unlike ds,she latched on well right away. The whole time we were in the hospital she was attached to my breast and even though I got zero sleep those three days I was so happy.I kept having this nagging feeling that something was wrong though. She lost more than 10% of her body weight but after my milk came she did make some good progress in weigh gain. However, at the two week appt. She had only gained 2 ounces in a week. I was so upset but thought maybe it was just that she had a new diaper on and last time I hadn't changed her before the appt.I begged my doctor for a few more days before starting any supplements. I went home and started pumping but for some reason was not responding well to the pump. I saw an LC who said everything seemed good. At a weighed feeding she got 2ounces one time and one ounce at another. She had a grreat amount of wet and dirty diapers.I was sure she would be heavier at the next appt but she wasn't so we decided to supplement an ounces at every other feeding. I went home pretty crushed but determined. I would pump and order Domperidome and everything would be okay. But then all of a sudden she wasn't feeding well and was almost impossible to wake up and I was reminded of what happened with ds and just felt so horrible over everything that was happening again. I had just gotten over what happened the first time and now it was happening again. I just couldn't go through it all again especially after trying so hard these two weeks and doing everything 'right.' I decided to just stop and put it all behind me. I couldn't take it anymore I just hated my body and my stupid failed breasts.

I will never forget the look on my little girl's face as I gave her those first bottles. She was so confused and kept rooting at my shirt. I let her latch on and she was so comforted and fell asleep. But i felt so much pain and sadness. I took some pics of our last feeding and then put the tightest bra i could find. I changed her last milky diapers.

So now she is FF and i feel such horrid pain. I am not sure why I did this, I just wanted to put this all behind me and just concentrate on raising my kids the best way I can.I didn't want to miss out on her first months due to being obsessed about breastmilk bc thats what happened with ds and I was so terribly depressed. Now that I have two kids I couldn't devote all that time to trying again.

I feel like my little girl has gone away even though I am holding her. She so gassy and not pooping and I know i can try pumping out some milk and giving
it to her and she will poop but i just cant do it. I failed her, i took away her pleasure and comfort and her healthy tummy. We went from almost constant nursing to just none at all. I don't know why I did this, i was so close to suceeding but i just felt so betrayed by my body and quit. I feel so weak.

I still hold her almost constantly but it isn't the same. Somehow with ds not pumping made things better. I was hardly making anything and never getting to hold him. He was very difficult and even after he was FF he still really needed me constantly and we became very close. He would fall asleep drinking the bottle and for a long time would only take it from me. She doesn't do that though, she looks so miserable drinking it.

This time it feels so bad, i don't know how i can get through this. I feel like there is no point in me being her mother because she can just be fed by anyone. She is so easygoing i could just prop a bottle in her mouth and she wouldn't care. I can't believe i am a sahm mom but not even breastfeeding when others have it so much harder and do. I have hardly been paying to ds too.

I am not sure what kind of advice i want. i dont want to relactate. i tried putting her to breast this morning and she just turned away and it sent me into tears. i just want to hold her and cry. i try cheering myself up by thinking of how now she will grow and i can still bond with her and that one day she will be a happy toddler like ds and this will be a distant memory. I just feel like i betrayed her. i keep seeing her and ds' beautiful faces nursing in front of my eyes and it hurts so much.
post #2 of 30
I'm sorry, I don't have any advice, but I coudn't read and not post. I hope it gets better s.
post #3 of 30


Well... if you are 100% confident with your decision, I won't try to sway you. But you don't sound at all content with it (if you put her to breast just this morning), so are you positive this is the right choice for you? I remember the first 2+ months of BF'ing were sooo difficult for me. But now I am so glad I stuck with it, I love BF'ing him so much!! So I just wanted to throw that out there, maybe if you could get through the next few weeks it would be worth it in the long run? I'm not trying to make you reconsider if you don't want to. But if you do want to, I am here to encourage you.

Regardless, YOU ARE STILL HER MOTHER even if you're not breastfeeding her! Sure she could be "fed by anyone" but that doesn't make you less a mother to her. Honestly I have had the same feelings about myself even though DS is 100% BF. I have felt often that the only reason I'm a good mother to him is that I feed him. But that's not true. No matter how you feed your child, YOU ARE HER MOTHER and nothing will change that. I am very pro-BF but I don't think choosing a different feeding method makes you a bad mom. You will still be her best comforter and there are still tons of ways you can soothe her. You can still rock her, sing to her, hug her. You can play with her, read her stories, give her baths. Give her skin-to-skin time while you're feeding her. Wear her in a wrap or sling. You are there for her no matter what.

I don't know what else to say, I remember how tough the first weeks were with a newborn & my own volatile emotions. You will get through this & it will get better.
post #4 of 30
I feel for you. My best friend went through something similar, also due to PCOS. I don't know what kind of research you have done, or what you have been told, but women with PCOS sometimes do not have fully developed breast tissue. While most women can work around BFing problems, you have physical reason that you are not making enough milk - you simply do not have enough glandular tissue. This is not your fault.

If you want to continue giving her the breast, you should. You're making a little milk at least, so she would get that along with formula. If you want to simply comfort nurse, you can do that too. If you don't feel you can nurse at all, that is also valid. Have you considered getting donated breast milk? That would help with her digestion.

Just give her plenty of skin to skin contact. Hold her close when you bottle-feed her, just like you would if you were nursing. The Sears' Baby Book refers to it as bottle-nursing. It's not exactly the same, but she is still getting your love and closeness.

Other than that, you have a grieving process to go through. I think there are some on-line support groups for your very condition/situation. You can only do what you can do. You sound like a wonderful mother - many women wouldn't care so deeply that BFing didn't work out. Do not blame yourself for this - it is no more your fault than any other illness that besets us.

Good luck, and I hope you can find some peace.
post #5 of 30
I'm sorry you are going through this. It's so normal to grieve over not being able to nurse no matter what the reasons are. I still to this day feel sad about not being able to nurse my three babies, and my youngest is now 4!

However, you are correct, the pain and grief will subside with time. The first 6 weeks are so hard for so many reasons. Your hormones are influencing your mood. You're sleep deprived. Your life has changed overnight. I read this somewhere and it really helped me to understand those early weeks; newborns are so needy and they really don't give you much in regards to feedback or interaction so it's not unusual to feel disconnected from your baby at first. Bonding is not always instantaneous and it can be different with each baby. I felt an immediate bond with my first, but bonding was a slower process with my second, and third babies. The only reason I wasn't concerned about it at the time is that I read it was normal, and I KNEW that I loved my babies.

When baby starts smiling at you and your heart melts you will know that you are indeed bonded! One thing I remember so clearly is that I bonded so quickly with my firstborn because she was super alert and her eye contact was amazing! She never nursed for a variety of reasons, but from day one she would lay in my arms and gaze into my eyes which made me feel so connected to her. My other two were not as alert as newborns and did not give me that eye contact in the early weeks. My middle child nursed beautifully as a newborn (she later quit due to reflux and a feeding aversion) but she never gazed into my eyes the way my firstborn did, so the bonding was slower with her. I truly believe that when your baby grows a little and starts to give you some "return" for your efforts in the form of smiles, eye contact, coos, etc. that the bonding will take off.

You posted this in post partum depression but you never mention it in your post (unless I missed it). I highly suspect that you do have PPD. It should get better with time. I had mild PPD but severe Post Partum Anxiety with all three of my babies. It was so hormonally driven and it subsided with time. Do seek help though if your depression gets severe or you start to have thoughts about harming your baby.

Don't be so hard on yourself. If you didn't love your baby you wouldn't care, but you obviously do. It will get better. You love your baby and that's what matters most.
post #6 of 30
No one knows what it is like unless they have tried to breastfeed and just failed. for whatever reason.

I have been there. In the end, I wish i had given up sooner. There is only so much you can do, and sometimes it is more important to stop stressing and just enjoy your baby. I spent the first 4 months of DD's life consumed with getting her to breastfeed. I felt like a failure until about a month or so after I quit.

It sounds like you have given it your all. Now, go enjoy being with your perfect baby.

PS. You have made me realize not to put all my dreams of breastfeeding on the next baby. That is just too much on both of us, right?
post #7 of 30
I was at this place with my first baby. I made it almost a month, but the last two weeks were just pumping and supplementing. I'm sorry it is hurting so much. It took me such a long time (maybe a year) to get over feeling bad about not breastfeeding. I wish I hadn't held on to that grief for so long.

Remember that you are under the attack of a hormonal flood right now, with a recent birth and recently breastfeeding. Plus, you're sleep deprived. I hope you'll feel better in a few weeks and just be able to enjoy your baby.

I'm planning to try breastfeeding again with my second, but if we have as many problems as I did with my first and don't make it for long, I hope I'll remember not to be too hard on myself.

You are her mother, and you are the most special person in the world to your daughter, no matter how you feed her.
post #8 of 30
Thread Starter 
Thank you all for the responses. I've had a little more time to process everything that has been going on.I guess what hurts the most is that both times i was able to develop a pretty good supply, but not enough to sustain my baby. I know these last few weeks i did everything i possibly could do develop supply. Which is why, when i saw dd's ped, who has been really supportive of me not supplementing up to this point, said it was just time to do something i just felt such defeat.My breasts are pretty large so its hard for me to think i have igt, so i just don't know what could have caused this both times. I know from my experience with my first that once you add that supplement there is no going back. Since this time i can't even respond to the pump for some reason, i just didn't want to see dd drinking less and less until she got nothing. I thought it would be easier if i just quit and moved on with life.But it really wasn't and i became engorged which was just this painful reminder that i did have milk in there after all that work, it just wasn't enough. After i had ds i researched, and read so many stories about women who had success the second time around, and i was sure i would too.

I am pretty sure i have some ppd. After we came home from the hospital i started having panic attacks attacks and couldn't sleep. I really wanted to go to the hospital but then my milk was just coming in and i didn't want to jeopardize nursing and be separated from my daughter and miss out on dh being home. So i stayed home and things seemed to get better until this happened. At times i feel fine but other times i remember a happy memory with me, dh, and ds and just get this choking feeling, like it will never be like this again.i get so angry at myself because i feel like i almost had dd just so i could try to bf again, which is no reason to have another kid. With ds it was so different, he changed me so much and taught me how to be a parent. Even though i couldn't nurse him, he was just so special, so different from other kids that i just felt lucky to have him.
I feel like this baby just ruined our little family. I keep remembering the last day i was pregnant with dd. We went to a family party and had so much fun and i remember looking at ds and thinking how great things were now. I look at dd and just wish she could go back in my belly.
post #9 of 30
Oh gosh. I am so sorry you are feeling this way! I agree that you are a good mom however you choose to feed.

But I just wanted to say that if you want to nurse her, you should nurse her! If it makes you feel good and connected to do it, then do it. Elizabeth has been breastfed her whole life with two bottles of formula (more during growth spurts) a day. We are still trucking at 7 months. IF it is something you want to do and that will make you happy to do - keep on - any breastmilk is a good thing!

However, if it is more painful for you to supplement than it is to wean, I understand that too. It is very hard. I wish you lots of happiness with your new baby.
post #10 of 30
Quote:
Originally Posted by Solose View Post
I am pretty sure i have some ppd. After we came home from the hospital i started having panic attacks attacks and couldn't sleep. I really wanted to go to the hospital but then my milk was just coming in and i didn't want to jeopardize nursing and be separated from my daughter and miss out on dh being home. So i stayed home and things seemed to get better until this happened. At times i feel fine but other times i remember a happy memory with me, dh, and ds and just get this choking feeling, like it will never be like this again.i get so angry at myself because i feel like i almost had dd just so i could try to bf again, which is no reason to have another kid. With ds it was so different, he changed me so much and taught me how to be a parent. Even though i couldn't nurse him, he was just so special, so different from other kids that i just felt lucky to have him.
I feel like this baby just ruined our little family. I keep remembering the last day i was pregnant with dd. We went to a family party and had so much fun and i remember looking at ds and thinking how great things were now. I look at dd and just wish she could go back in my belly.
Oh my goodness, you SO have PPD. So did I, but I didn't realize it at the time. How would you feel about medication, at least for a little while? If you continue feeling this down about everything, see if you can get in early to see your OB. Don't wait until your 6 week checkup.

However, on the other hand, I think it's perfectly normal for it to take some time for you to adjust to your new life. I was pretty brutally honest about how unhappy I was the first few weeks after DD was born, and I think it shocked some people, but maybe that's what PPD does to you: it breaks down your filter.

Do you have family who could come by and help out? It sounds like you need a bit of a break. That is the great thing about FF. You can get away for an hour or so. Or maybe you and DS need some one-on-one time. Something that feels like how it used to be.

Major
post #11 of 30
Thread Starter 
I am not sure if i really want to go on medication, but i wish i could talk to a therapist or counsler,or just anybody. I keep laying it all on dh and have become incredibly needy of him, so it would be nice to talk to someone who isn't tired and overwhelmed. However, i don't think our insurance covers therapy, and i know most therapists want to see their patients on medication.

As for family, they have been helping a lot to take care of ds and bringing us food. I would feel strange leaving dd with them anyone at such a young age.

I think part of it is that i hate being trapped inside but right now the weather is terrible and dd doesn't fit into any snowsuits bc she is so small.I keep thinking if i were still bf i wouldn't really be able to go anywhere yet bc she would be feeding all the time so i shouldn't get to right now.

I feel horrible that she is now so uncomfortable looking and gassy. On breastmilk, she would poo so frequently and it didn't seem to be much effort at all. I would get all excited that something was going into her.
post #12 of 30
I don't think your breasts or body failed you at all...to me it sounds like you have PPD and anxiety and this prevented you from breastfeeding. Please try to see a care provider of some sort and get some support. Check with your health insurance or see if your jobs offer any time of free support. You will feel so much better, no matter what your feeding choices are.
post #13 of 30
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by balancedmama View Post
I don't think your breasts or body failed you at all...to me it sounds like you have PPD and anxiety and this prevented you from breastfeeding.
I know that dd was not gaining weight though she was being bfed almost constantly and had a good latch and i was doing breast compression. I dont think it could be anything other than low supply.
post #14 of 30


I am so sorry. You sound like you are in such despair. Please do whatever you can to get some treatment. You could ask your dh or the other people who you said were helping you if they would help you research your options for treatment. Y'know, check with the insurance to see what they cover, find references for doctors or therapists in your area who have a good reputation. I recently discovered that the University in my area offers counseling for only $15 per session and I put the book "The Mood Cure" on hold at the library to learn about treatment with supplements. You should be able to find some options in your area as well.
post #15 of 30
Quote:
Originally Posted by Solose View Post
I am not sure if i really want to go on medication, but i wish i could talk to a therapist or counsler,or just anybody. I keep laying it all on dh and have become incredibly needy of him, so it would be nice to talk to someone who isn't tired and overwhelmed. However, i don't think our insurance covers therapy, and i know most therapists want to see their patients on medication.
I don't know whether most therapists want all their patients on meds, but there are certainly lots and lots of them who don't. I had PPD after the birth of my daughter and I found a therapist was immensely helpful. She never once suggested I needed medication - just asked if I was interested and moved on when I said I wasn't. Therapists are usually just people with a master's in counseling, so they're not all interested in medication as a first choice.

I'm so sorry you're having a rough time right now, but I definitely agree that you should try to see a therapist. Your insurance may cover it, and if it doesn't you might be able to find low cost alternatives in your area. I know there was a free support group for women with PPD in the city I lived in when DD was born. It was run by a licensed counselor. Maybe there is something like that in your area.
post #16 of 30
Quote:
Originally Posted by Solose View Post

I feel like this baby just ruined our little family. I keep remembering the last day i was pregnant with dd. We went to a family party and had so much fun and i remember looking at ds and thinking how great things were now. I look at dd and just wish she could go back in my belly.
This statement is very telling. This is PPD and postpartum anxiety talking. Take it from someone with lifelong anxiety and severe postpartum anxiety. You miss your old life because you had become adapted to it, and when you adapt your anxiety decreases. People with anxiety struggle with change of any kind and having a second baby is a big change. It would really help for you to have someone to talk to. Not all therapists insist on medication.

I remember feeling somewhat like you when my third was born. I'd cry when I looked at pictures of my girls before his birth because I missed the carefree fun we used to have. Things were hard - his nursing issues, my ppd and anxiety, not getting enough sleep, being house bound much of the time. With time my anxiety subsided and I began to have carefree fun days with all three children. It just takes time to adjust to a new baby, especially when you have anxiety. I hope you'll find someone to talk to and I hope your anxiety begins to subside soon so you can enjoy your new baby more.
post #17 of 30
Oh boy, I know how you feel, I have killed myself over nursing at times, and it is so hard when it is what you really want. Your daughter will be your daughter NO MATTER WHAT. I am very close to my mother and always was as a child, and I never nursed. My cousin, the best mom I know, has two beautiful daughters and she was not able to nurse after having a breast reduction in her teens. Her daughters are bright, funny, loving, and adore their mom. I know it's hard right after the baby, but I want you to know that this will not change the love you have with your daughter.

When I had #3 I had the same issues as you, no weight gain after a month, and I was so upset. I also had severe pain every time he latched on. It hurt so much I would want to scream. I ended up having to supplement as well because of the zero weight gain. My ped wanted me to just give 2 ounces after every other feeding, but I ended up giving 4-6 ounces after every feeding, he was having about 30 ounces a day. I still let him nurse though, more for comfort than for food, and he seemed happy with the bottle. A few months later he rejected the bottle entirely, and I guess at that point he was getting enough because he was really gaining weight. He is still nursing at 2, around the clock. My point is if this is something you want, maybe just do it for comfort with her, and go ahead with formula as well. If she isn't latching you can try when she is still really sleepy, she might just latch on naturally. And, if it is best for you to be done for good, there is nothing wrong with that!
post #18 of 30
I agree wholeheartedly with a pp. I don't think you actually had low supply. Reasons I believe your supply was ok are: you say dd had plenty of wet and poopy diapers and you did before and after test weights of 1 and 2 oz feeds. Both of those are great indicators of things going quite well. The only way you know what a baby takes in is to do these test weight before and after every feed for a full 24 hours. This is bc a baby, like an adult, has some bigger meals and some smaller and some snacks.
The reality is that not every baby will regain their birthweight by 2 wks. Some take 3 weeks and that is okay. My dd never gained the 5-7 oz per week but she was thriving. It was REALLY hard trust the situation and I was so depressed. However, I felt my depression was more situational rather than ppd. I can't speak to whether or not you truly have ppd and I do think you should seek some professional advice.
It really seems to me, that you threw in the towel a bitearly, without giving yourself and the situation enough of a chance. Please don't flame ME for saying that. It really seems that you are unhappy with your decision and it is NOT too late!!! You can relactate with domperidone, proper information and support. While you are rebuilding a supply, you could consider using lactaid in order to have your dd at the breast.
I only mention all of this bc you seem to be so unsatisfied with not breastfeeding and concerned with your dd's tummy/ bowel habits.
I really hope you can find peace with your decision or make the decision to commit to breastfeeding. Please also keep in mind that nursing isn't all or nothing. Any amt of breastmilk is a gift to your baby. I believe you can re- establish at least a partial supply if not a full supply.
Have you heard of Jack Newman? Google him for the website and email him for advice. He responds and is a wealth of info.
I do know how traumatizing it is to have bf issues. I pumped after almost every feeding for almost 8 months to try to boost my supply. Bf was more than a full time job for me but in the end it was actually worth it. Whatever you decide, please know that your baby needs uou more than anyone. Put this behind you if you need to and don't look back.
Good luck and just follow your heart and your motherly instincts.
post #19 of 30
It doesn't have to be either or. Go ahead and nurse and supplement if you want to. I don't think you had a problem with low supply either, but my babies are slow gainers early on- they don't start really gaining until they are about 4 months old.

Regardless, it sounds like you are really hurting, and I do hope you find a therapist to help you out.
post #20 of 30
I really feel for you. You're right- the awful sadness and up and down roller coaster does get better but that really isn't easy to know when you are in it. I felt so sad after my second was born- really different than the emotional high after the first. I had to grieve the ending of the little family that we had. It probably took a good 8-9 months to feel really bonded with my second. Now I can't imagine not having this amazing child. The third child was even harder in that my depression became worse. So strange that I didn't see the panic- attacks and sense of foreboding as depression but it was and it felt awful. It's so hard, it's a huge transition, it's hormonal and psychotic and a dream-land, a not-in-this-world feeling. I hope you can get the support you need. There will be light at the end of this tunnel. It's going to be ok
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