supporting my kids (emotionally) questions

[mama_miiteg]

greetings

my partner is going through a process of emotional reflection about our relationship that is proving painful for both of us. I have been crying a lot (privately), accessing supports through friends and family and mentally preparing for separation. Our children have not been told about any of this, and neither of us have cried in front of them. However, miraculously, the kids appear to be tuned in to what's going on, and some of the behaviours that I might have expected after a separation have started to appear. Most notably my a 5 y/o boy has started to cry each morning and night, saying he misses daddy so much and he never wants to have two different houses for our family. He wakes up crying each morning begging to not leave the house (we both work outside of the home, children attend school and also an out of home caregiver setting).
I have done some preliminary reading on the 'net, and have found some resources around "how to tell the kids" and a few books written to help explain marital breakdown to children. I'm interested in ways of supporting my kids right now, however, which does not include any articulation of the situation. My partner and I are not fighting, nor have our interpersonal interactions changed significantly. We already had a fairly split tandem parenting schedule and so the times when we are together, with the kids (or otherwise) are limited.
I feel like I'm doing a pretty good job of taking care of myself right now, making sure I have time to cry when I need to and keep things moving in my house and work life. But when faced with my kids' grief I am feeling greatly challenged and stalled in the process, particularly in light of not having anything concrete to tell them. As I said, they seem to just be 'sensing' that something is coming down at them, nothing has been decided or even discussed.
Thoughts? Suggestions?

*I have eased up on the kids 'out of home' schedule, keeping them home one full day this week (I explained that this was because they had coughs/colds, which was true).

help!

[doubledutch]

i think if my ds1 said something like, "i don't ever want you & daddy to live apart," i would probably acknowledge that some parents do live separately, and ask what ds thinks he would not like about that, or what about it scares him or whatever. i would also ask what made him think/worry about that - he may be picking up on what's going on, or he may be seeing a friend at school go through his parents' separation or divorce.

in my case, i have the advantage of being able to say that my parents lived separately and even though it made each of us sad at times, it was the best way for us to live, and i liked having two homes. those statements are all true, if overly simple. i wouldn't want to make any promises or false assurances, but i would be comfortable saying, "daddy and i will always love you no matter where we live." if he directly asked me if we were splitting up, i would say, "nope - we're all sleeping under one roof tonight." beyond that, i can't make promises, and the immediate situation is really what (my) ds cares about anyway.

eta: i guess if he asked if we will ever split up, i would say that nobody knows what will happen in the future, that i don't want that to happen either but that families change (like when we get married or add another child to the family) and sometimes that means one family becomes two families. that change is difficult but can lead to something really great, and compare it to a different change he feared but came to enjoy, like starting school or learning a new skill.

i think you are doing really great with your kids - giving them more time at home, more time with you & dp, within the constraints of meeting the family's needs as a whole (because i totally understand you can't just drop everything else). it must be really hard to know what to say when things are uncertain, but a bit more openness may be called for. it's okay to admit things like, "i'm sad because i miss dp," or "i wish we could spend more time together as a family." or even when ds says he wants you to all stay together, you can say, "yes, i want that too!"

[MsChatsAlot]

Kids do know what's going on and it's far more scary when they are sitting in the fear of the unknown than when their parents come to them, open the dialogue and are available and honest about what's happening and answering their questions and addressing their concerns.

Being honest with them and simplifying it in terms they can handle for their developmental stage is important.

If they ask a question...answer only what they ask. If they need to know more, they will ask for more information.

You love your children and coming from that place, you will do the very best you can to help them through it.

I wish you all some peace as you make this transition.