12 year old stepdaughter

[Mamita79]

If any of you have 12 year old girls, what is their behavior like? Mine is a stepdaughter, so that further complicates things. I really think most of her behavior is very typical 12 year old girl behavior.

One minute we're like best friends, the next, I feel like she hates me. Some days we'll talk for hours, other times she acts like I don't exist.

Just hoping we could share some of my experiences. I know it's hard for all parents to deal with this age and not take everything personally. It seems like it might be even harder for a stepparent who hasn't been around forever and who's still trying to form a relationship to begin with.

[PikkuMyy]

That sounds pretty typical when I remember my own life at that age.

[doulatara]

Yep, my vote is that it sounds pretty typical. My daughter is ten but puberty has begun, and her behavior can be like this. As parents I think our job is to provide consistent love and support, discipline when the behavior steps over the line from moody to outright disrespectful but also take notice when these tough behaviors rear their ugly head, and do what you can to avoid and diminish the circumstances that favor them.

For my daughter- mornings are the time when we tend to see the attitude- when she is tired and feels rushed. So we have been packing her lunches the night before, planning her outfit, got her her own mirror so that she could do her hair in her room instead of waiting for our 1 bathroom that 3 of us have to use in the mornings, etc. I also notice if I pack her a snack she can eat before her afterschool activities she is less moody in the evenings. We are also much less likely to fight if we take a 15-20 minute walk outside together everyday, despite the weather.

I guess what I am saying is that even though they feel a little unpredictable during this time, there are things you can do as a parent to help. Taking time to talk alot and validate their experiences helps too.

I liken the onset of new hormones and puberty to when my doctor put me on too heavy a dose of steroids when I was really sick. It felt scary and out of control and having understanding loving people around me (in the form of my dh and bff) helped so much.

[Mamita79]

Thanks for your replies!I think taking walks together is a good idea- especially since we just got a new dog! I'm trying to think of some ways to spend time together that she'd go for.

I do agree it seems pretty normal for her age and I also agree that she does need some guidance regarding her downright disrespectful behavior. For example, she called me today for help with her computer (and I was so happy she actually called me for help-even if it's the only reason she'd ever call- it's something, right?) Anyway, I pick up the phone and she says, "I need help with my computer"- and starts explaining what she's trying to do. No "hello," certainly no "how are you?" Then when she got what she needed, she just said, "OK, Bye!" No "Thank you," nothing. I thought it was pretty rude and probably should of said something to her. Next time, I will, and I will talk to DH about it, too.

[dyehappy]

Ahhh, brave mama! You are so right about it being hard not to take things personally -- but that's the key. My DD is 14yo and I have been with DH for 3 years. He came into her life at a very sensitive time too. We've had some really awesome moments and some really tough ones; we still have a long road a head of us, but I believe that its 100% worth it.

Originally Posted by Mamita79

I thought it was pretty rude and probably should of said something to her. Next time, I will, and I will talk to DH about it, too.

I deal with this often and I usually call her on it, but I'm mindful of my tone. Depending on the situation, I will "ignore" her request and say "Hi, how are you," which usually triggers her thoughts back to being civil and polite OR, I will answer her, but then remind her of the polite way to ask for help. Sometimes, I will say something like " oh, you mean 'when you have a moment, will you please help me fix my computer'" . . .

This article has some great advice.

Something I have found helpful is asking my daughter her opinion on issues or asking her "advice" on something (minor, but important) I'm dealing with -- girls that age spend lots of time talking to their friends and trying to solve each others problems - you can learn a lot about them like this.

Good luck! I think she's really lucky to have you in her life. It will take time, but you're taking the right steps to form a great bond with her.

[doulatara]

Originally Posted by dyehappy

Something I have found helpful is asking my daughter her opinion on issues or asking her "advice" on something (minor, but important) I'm dealing with -- girls that age spend lots of time talking to their friends and trying to solve each others problems - you can learn a lot about them like this.

Oooh that is good! Thanks for this bit of advice!

I am not a step-mom, but I think as a step-mom you have such tremendous potential to be one of your SD's greatest influences and allies. I am totally going to count on my DD's soontobestepmom to be the trusted grownup in situations where she may not allow me to be there for her!

[karne]

I agree-normal behavior. When I figure out the trick to not taking it personally, I'll patent it and sell it!

Lately, the car has been so helpful. I find dd very talkative when she is in the front seat, we're playing her music, and we drive. I also have found that driving my dd and her friend or friends somewhere clues me into a lot of their "tween" life. I'm honestly floored that I am doing this, but it's really something to hear them gabbing away in the back seat.

[Mamita79]

Thanks for the advice! Yes, asking them for advice and driving them are both excellent ideas! Thanks for the reminders!

I also emailed her today and told her to pick out something she wanted (between $5 and $10) from amazon.com as a small reward for doing well in school.

She wrote back: "I don't want anything from amazon."

That's it.

Well, then, she gets nothing.

This was also the only time (I think) that she has checked her email even though I send her email all the time and remind her to check it every once in awhile. I have sent her tons of email (just to tell her how much I love her and how pretty and special she is, to ask her if she would like to plan something to do with me and her dad and her friends if she wants.) NOTHING!

Ahhh, 12 year olds are SO much fun!

[ollyoxenfree]

It's helpful to find positive things and point them out to her - both about her personally and about things that are happening around her. It's easy to get sucked into an attitude of negativity that seems to become natural with some adolescents.

I also try to give dd a little sympathetic space when she's moody or upset. Something along the lines of picking my battles. She's a naturally happy, affectionate person. I know that if she's in a bad mood, it won't be too long before she regains her balance and we see the sunny side again. I don't tolerate disrespect or bad manners, but I'll sometimes wait until the dust settles a little before we talk about her behaviour.

[dyehappy]

Originally Posted by Mamita79

Thanks for the advice! Yes, asking them for advice and driving them are both excellent ideas! Thanks for the reminders!

I also emailed her today and told her to pick out something she wanted (between $5 and $10) from amazon.com as a small reward for doing well in school.

She wrote back: "I don't want anything from amazon."

That's it.

Well, then, she gets nothing.

This was also the only time (I think) that she has checked her email even though I send her email all the time and remind her to check it every once in awhile. I have sent her tons of email (just to tell her how much I love her and how pretty and special she is, to ask her if she would like to plan something to do with me and her dad and her friends if she wants.) NOTHING!

Ahhh, 12 year olds are SO much fun!

Does she realize she can buy pretty much ANYTHING from Amazon? Crazy girl. Something I have done in the past is to buy little things (on clearance mostly) and hide them in my closet and then pull it out and surprise her with it to say thanks or congrats. Even little things like a pack of her fav pencils/pens or a bracelet . . . I always got a smile. Element of surprise, maybe?

Yesterday, my DD went to her first high school dance. DH sent her a message telling her to have fun and that she looked really pretty in her new dress . . . she never responded.

[ChristaN]

Some of it seems to depend so much on the personality of the child in question and how that personality meshes with yours. My oldest is almost 11.5. She is very loving and sweet to me 99% of the time. She will still kiss me goodbye in front of her friends and tells me that she loves me. She hugs me in front of her teachers... She's just really quite easy for me to get along with. Of course, she does owe me b/c she was the most difficult baby and toddler on the face of the planet !

My younger dd, age 9, on the other hand is how you describe your 12 y/o. She hates me half the time and loves me the other. Our personalities clash a lot more & we just don't have the same interests. I have to work a lot harder with her & I, of course, will b/c I love her and don't want her to feel like the odd one out in the family. She is nowhere near hitting puberty at just over 50 lbs.

[mami to 3 :)]

I have a 14 yo, she's not my bio chid but I've known her since she was 3.5 and legally she's mine. Actually she's mine in ever sense except biologically, but that doesn't mean anything.

At 10-12 she was hard, I thought she hated me all of a sudden. She wouldn't talk to me and she was really annoyed by me. But not only with me, she was annoyed of everything and everyone. So I must say it's pretty typical.

I'm surprised to hear some of you actually email and text your daughters. When my husband did that I told him that was not necessary, why wouldn't he tell her face to face kwim??? If I were here I wouldn't answer, so I don't understand why it surprises you if she doesn't answer to your emails.
Space is basic here, sometimes when she gets upset my instant reaction and DH's at times is to go immediately to her which causes things to get worse.

It's pretty normal, she doesnt hate you, it's just her hormones

[mamahart]

I've actually talked to my 13 yr old dd about her short, curt, sometimes rude sounding choppy answer/sound bytes- and she is always shocked and feels bad. I think her head is so full of thoughts that talking to me is like an interupption sometimes so I get these 1/2 answers..it's like chatting with 3 people or something. When I remind her she is sweet as pie and will let me know that she is 1. trying to remember the lyrics to a song 2. thinking about a story she is writing 3. didnt get enough sleep/too much sleep or is hungry and thinking about food.
She grew 5 inches last year and is in the throes of full on puberty. Whew!
Anyhow, be gentle with you dss, she may be more distracted by her growing body and mind, if you stay available there WILL be those golden moments.