Help! I HATE nursing her.

[GinnyMama]

Hate hate hate! My DD will be two years old tomorrow, and her nursing drives me insane all of a sudden! I'm also nursing my 3 month old son. So it doesn't help that I'm basically nursing someone all day long. It just feels so different when DD nurses. Her latch has gotten horrible, for one thing. And I can't seem to make her fix it. Every single time she is done nursing, there are teeth marks right at the base of my nipple. She won't take the areola in her mouth anymore, just the nipple.

I figured out part of what bugs me about it yesterday. When my baby nurses, it doesn't really feel like anything. When DD nurses, it's almost like an extremely unwanted sexual touch. I hate it! Since her latch is right on the nipple, it feels like someone is grabbing my nip with their fingernails and twiddling.

This happened about a week or two ago. And now, I just get absolutely in a RAGE every time she nurses. Like I see red and pull her off. My jaw hurts from gritting my teeth so much. I'm getting wrinkles between my eyebrows. UGH! Is it just going to be like this? I want nothing more than to be the type of woman that is okay with mama-led weaning.

[dex_millie]

Sorry to hear that. From your post I wasn't sure if you just wanted to vent and carry on or get advice. I guess if you really want to CLW then it would help to show your DD how to do it again or start to limit the amount of times a day she nurses to the amount that would make you me a happy mommy.

Or do you think you are changing your mind about CLW?

[GinnyMama]

Philosophically, no I have not changed my mind about CLW. I wish I felt differently, but I don't. Physically though, I just want her to stop touching me! UGH! Stop. Touching. Me. !!!!!

I don't know if I was just venting or if I wanted advice, either. Lol! I just don't know that there's anything I can do.

I also guess I wanted to see if anyone else has this problem.

[limette]

I feel ya. This happened to me with both kids around 14 months, got a thousand worse when I got pregnant when they were 20 months. Unwanted sexual touch describes it exactly. It's like nails on a chalkboard. With dd1 I stopped nursing cold turkey and she didn't even seem to notice. Now with dd2 (who is the much more obsessed nurser, 22 months) I had to stop nursing during the day because it was so painful and it was stressing me out. She would nurse non-stop all day if I let her.

At night she wakes up a min of every two hours. She either nurses for a minute and goes back to sleep or she'll just hold my breast and go back to sleep. I find it less horrible at night.

I found little support on mothering last time (several years ago), a lot of posters stated (not very nicely) that I should nurse until 2 years no matter what. That it was my duty to just do it because the WHO says so.

Whatever, do it if you can stand it, otherwise don't beat yourself up if you can't. Besides you made it to the two year mark, so you get a pass!

[Kuba'sMama]

I just wanted to offer my support I completely understand how you feel. I didn't tandem nurse for this exact reason; I knew that I wouldn't be able to do it. I weaned my son at 2.5, 3 months before his sister was born. It was a gentle wean and my son was definitely not traumatised. It was easier to wean him before she was born, as my milk completely dried up during the second trimester of pregnancy ("no milk because you are such a big boy!")
However, I'm a big believer in "if you resent it, change it". If you grind your teeth and are tense when you are BF'ing your daughter, this will lead to negative feelings toward her, IMO. I think it's better to foster a "big girl" relationship with her through other special things you can do together when the baby is nursing (stories, crafts, etc). You have enough on your plate right now, without feeling like a nursing martyr.

[choli]

Originally Posted by Kuba'sMama

I just wanted to offer my support I completely understand how you feel. I didn't tandem nurse for this exact reason; I knew that I wouldn't be able to do it. I weaned my son at 2.5, 3 months before his sister was born. It was a gentle wean and my son was definitely not traumatised. It was easier to wean him before she was born, as my milk completely dried up during the second trimester of pregnancy ("no milk because you are such a big boy!")
However, I'm a big believer in "if you resent it, change it". If you grind your teeth and are tense when you are BF'ing your daughter, this will lead to negative feelings toward her, IMO. I think it's better to foster a "big girl" relationship with her through other special things you can do together when the baby is nursing (stories, crafts, etc). You have enough on your plate right now, without feeling like a nursing martyr.

yep, that's nature telling you it's time to wean, IME.

[DoubleLove]

I'm sorry Yes maybe weaning is in order for you, but FWIW, I went through a stage like you describe and I had to really instruct DD on how to latch right. If she was latching wrong, I made her try again. Now when I say "ouch" she says "I'll open my mouth bigger". Once I was so damaged from a bad latch that I had to put Lansinoh under a bandaide and she totally understood her lazy latch had hurt me, and was really willing to listen to my instructions of improving her latch. Unfortunately she just can't get it right at night when she's half asleep. Hey maybe I should try the bandaide thing with my nightweaning efforts!?

[D_McG]

Originally Posted by choli

yep, that's nature telling you it's time to wean, IME.

agree. I don't understand pushing through such a strong aversion. Weaning is a natural thing.

[GinnyMama]

Wow... I wasn't expecting that reaction. Maybe I do need to think about weaning. Hmm... but I do think I'll push through the rest of the winter, for the antibodies and such. And by then I'll be able to tell if this is just a phase or if I really, truly do hate nursing DD forever and ever amen. Hmm...

[fruitfulmomma]

It can be really hard to nurse a toddler and newborn at the same time because it does feel so different and I absolutely understand where you're coming from. Certainly if weaning is what needs to happen for you, that is okay. Personally I didn't want to wean but I did need a break from nursing the older one for awhile and she seemed okay with nursing for just a minute or two once a week until I got passed that period. Now that the baby is 14mo and she is 3yo, I am okay with nursing her for a bit longer and more often.

Just a bit of a different perspective... I don't think it has to be an all or nothing sort of thing.

[Sheryl1678]

I am going through the exact same thing with my 14 mo. I am heartbroken at the thought of weaning her so young but our nursing sessions have pretty much dried up with my milk because I can literally only take her latch to about the count of ten before I feel like I am going to bash my head through a brick wall.

She started getting teeth at 3 mo and has all but 2 of her eyeteeth so I am convinced that teething changed her latch. Every so often she "gets it right" and works for both of us and she drinks (and drinks and drinks and drinks) but it is so rare that I am drying up.

As a last ditch effort I am trying to get my almost 5 yr old (who is happy to oblige) to nurse a few times a day to try to get my supply back up and get us through the end of teething to see if we can't get the good latch back. If not.....it might be time to wean.

[jenfl]

I went through the same thing at nearly the same time (around 21, 22 months), even with no other little one. Suddenly her nursing drove me crazy, I had to grit my teeth, etc.

So I congratulated myself on making it so long, and started to slowly wean her! If it wasn't right for me anymore, if it made me resent her, then it wasn't the right thing for us anymore. I think nursing is as much about the mom as the kid.

Because she was older, I was able to use distraction to get her down to nursing just at bedtime, and then I started counting how long we nursed. I let her nurse for 2 minutes on each side the first day, then decreased 10 seconds each day. Counting also gave me something to do, something for my mind instead of "get off, get off, get off.....". She didn't protest because it was such a slow decrease, but after only about a week, she chose a book before bed instead of nursing.... and we were done.

[GinnyMama]

Oh man, I am just bawling right now at the thought of weaning DD. She obviously needs nursing. She nurses a bazillion times per day, and that is only half of what she used to nurse when the baby first came home. I want her to stop so badly, but then again I don't, because she so obviously needs it. Oy.

[lookatreestar]

i was having similar issues. setting some limits has helped and not nursing them at the same time helps too. also making sure her latch is good and she is not nursing on an empty breast.

[SGDavis]

I have a similar post going on right now just like yours. I was crying when I wrote it cuz I want to follow CLW too but nursing my DS 3yrs was driving me crazy. I have gone through so many emotions. I was so excited about Tandem Nursing and I have feel so let down. The Tandem Nursing book had the negative stories but I never dreamed I would dislike nursing my DS so much. I can say my anger and resentment was not good for my son, myself and my family, and everybody told me to wean. But when they would say its time to wean my gut would always flinch and I realized that is not what I wanted nor what my son wanted. So I have worked hard on my attitude with my thoughts and did my best to distract myself during difficult sessions. I can say now that nursing him is not heavenly but we have been consistantly working on his latch, tongue out, wide mouth and when I can, I nurse in front of the TV, which seems to be the only distraction that truely gets my mind off of the discomfort (that tickling, teeth feeling, nipple twisting feeling) ugg. Im not a fan of TV but it works for me!! I new without a doubt that if I didn't have the physical reaction to DS nursing, that I would be fine nursing him as long as he wanted and he does want it a lot, probably due to my DD 16months nursing a lot.
So my advice to you is......if you want to wean, then wean for the both of you and keep that in your mind, you are doing for both of you. If you don't want to wean then work hard on boundaries, limits, latch and find a good distraction. Plus, talk about it!!!!! That seems to help too. Good luck and keep posting and communicating. I send you love and hugs.

[see mama run]

I understand what you are going through. I am tandem nursing my 2 & 3 year olds and my dd's latch (3) is my stronger than my son's and can be painful. I've felt resentful too and thought about weaning. If you reallly feel like you HATE nursing her, it's time to wean or set some really clear limits you can live with and not feel enraged by. If you feel terribly negative each time she nurses she's going to feel it and it'll affect your relationship. You clearly are giving your all to your little one's and tandem nursing is alot on your body. My daughter and I have are nursing only before bed and in the morning upon waking unless she really needs to for comfort because she gets hurt or something. It's been about a month since I started imposing limits for her and she's done really well. Also I told her we no longer nurse at the same time because she and ds are big now. that helps alot. She's even ok with ds nursing when she isn't now. She gets it and our nursing is special now. We both feel better. If limits don't work for you it's ok to wean, replace nursing time with something else special, cooking, crafts, snuggling with books. Maybe she can nurse her baby while you nurse yours. My dd and ds love to nurse their babies. Also a change in physical environment can help redirect. A sink bath, going outside, some playdough. A friend of mine presented each child with a special cup for milk at weaning. Good Luck and be kind to your self your a rock star mama!!

[Shanny2032]

I have yet to (and may never) tandem nurse but I can imagine it is very hard and commend you and so many others who have done it. I CAN relate to a toddler (14 month old) with a very bad latch, leaving teeth marks, making me squirm. I had thrush on and off for 4 months so it was really had to tell when she was not latched and actually digging in. Now that the thrush is gone we are working very hard to correct the problems. I tell her - many times before she even starts nursing - "be sweet to Mama's milky". When it is uncomfortable I say "off and BIG, BIG, BIG and NO TEETH". She opens wider most times but when she doesn't we just keep doing it. When my top gets pulled down and she sees that I am serious she will get with the program if she hasn't already - haha (it rarely comes to this). I think you need to find your key phrases and stick to your guns and she can learn how to latch properly again. Having said all of that, if you need to wean her for your sanity and the sake of your relationship then I wish you success with that so that you can feel better about everything. Please try not to beat yourself up either way (easier said than done I know).

[MamaDoulaOwl]

tandem nursing annoyances

I empathize completely! This is the same issue I am having and is why I finally joined mothering dot community, just now.
I'm not yet versed in the abbreviations so I don't know what DH, DS, DD, etc mean.
Anyway, I have a 3yr old and a 3 month old. I was determined to tandem nurse and was looking forward to it. But sometime in my 3rd trimester I started to get seriously annoyed with nursing my toddler. I hoped the feeling would go away after baby was born, but it only got worse. My toddler was down to nursing only before bed or after an injury- but after baby came my toddler now wants to nurse constantly. And I find myself even mOre annoyed than ever! Gritting my teeth, feelings of utter revulsion, anger, the urge to just shove the kid away/off of me asap!
I manage to use distractions some of the time during the day, but often the demands from toddler are so intense and persistent that I just cave and nurse, but HATE it!
I feel torn because I realize it's obviously something my toddler needs right now, it's helping with the transition to being a big sibling, reassuring that mama is still here for comfort, and of course it's still super healthy. I want to do child lead weaning. But with how angry I feel/get about it... how good is it really? I don't want the lingering memories of nursing to be of mama being crazy frustrated and trying to get it over with.

Nursing my 3 month old is a joy. There's such a difference between my new baby's latch (so soft gentle perfect) and my toddler's latch (still good, but so TOOTHY and big. Yes, very much like an unwanted sexual touch).

I appreciate the posts talking about setting limits. That is the approach I am taking now. (distractions, snacks, crafts, games, videos/dvds. Or delaying for a long time- these things don't work all the time though. Often there are tantrums demanding to nurse. I no longer nurse them at the same time. now that baby is bigger that's tricky, not to mention very uncomfortable. I'm trying to get back to just night and morning nursing for toddler) For me I think it's important that those limits are set so that I can feel positive about nursing again before weaning my child completely. I want there to be fond memories/a positive ending to it.

On the plus side of all this: it is very helpful to have a nursing toddler around when breasts get engorged or there are plugged ducts or mastitis! I've been grateful a few times to be able to get our older nurser to help me out in that department! And I would like to add that despite my physical unease about tandem nursing I also feel proud to have been able to do it, and I think it is very special for both my kids to have this time together, being nursed by mama at the same time. Despite the annoyances I still think tandem nursing is very beautiful, in theory.

I realize I'm just venting here. Hope that's okay. It's hard to talk to people about this topic when I do still believe that extended breastfeeding is great. How can I convince people of that if I myself am finding nursing a toddler to be so irritating!? It's been on my mind everyday and I've been desperate for an outlet for this topic that is free of judgment, as most people around me think it's really extreme to let a child nurse for as long as my child has, let alone to carry on through such annoyances.

It's great to know I am not alone! I hope things work out for you.

[D_McG]

Originally Posted by MamaDoulaOwl

I feel torn because I realize it's obviously something my toddler needs right now, it's helping with the transition to being a big sibling, reassuring that mama is still here for comfort, and of course it's still super healthy.

Can I offer a different perspective on this? I weaned my son when I was pregnant. He was 2.5 when DD was born. Yes, he NEEDED a lot from me. But he didn't *need* to nurse. He needed ME. And he got me. All I had to give because I could nurse DD... put her down and then switch gears and enjoy my older son. The 'frantic' need to nurse might be be more a cry for other more advanced coping skills.

Please note I see nothing wrong with tandeming. It's not for me for sure but I don't think it's bad. I just am offering the perspective that helped me as we transitioned to a family of four. YMMV of course and it may be that your DD needs it. You know best!

[havsulen]

I went through a similar stage whilde tandemming, and it passed. You don't have to wean her unless you don't want to - most likely it will pass (I have several friends with similar experiences)

Maybe it's not nature telling you it is time to wean, but rather nature telling you that you need support. What do you need that could nourish you, not only physically but your whole being?

I second focusing on making her latch on correctly. And when it feels bad, you could limit the time on the breast and try again later. Take care of yourself, mama - you have a little baby and your body hasn't really adjusted back to normal after birth yet. It takes time, be gentle on yourself.