C-section anxiety and a hopelessly optimistic partner

[Sachi Ivy]

I'm 23.5 weeks along and happy to have a healthy, active baby boy dancing around in there.
He's got some unwelcome company though - three fibroids. One is huge and located on top of my uterus, which is weird because it's growing more visible on my abdomen. The second is large and has been causing sciatica since 11 weeks. The third, most recently discovered, is very small but located in the cervix.
And on top of that, I'm currently full previa.
I've been doing acupuncture, chiropractic, visualization, restricted diet, anything to help the conditions and keep my boy healthy.
But I'm getting tired of being told "we'll have to keep an eye on that" and going from doctor to midwife to chiropractor to acupuncturist weekly. At this point I just want to know something definitive about what's going to happen over the next four months. I'm scared that I'll end up on bedrest at some point, but no one will tell me what the options are "if the fibroids become a problem for the fetus".
I want to have a natural birth with the midwives at the birthing center, but if I have to have a c-section I wish that decision would just get made so I can adjust to the idea.
This is something my (wonderful, loving, supportive) partner just doesn't get. He comes from a line of doctors and surgeons and the idea of a hospital birth or c-section (and all the policies that go with them) don't bother him and he doesn't get why they bother me. He just keeps telling me "not to worry". I'm NOT worried - I know ultimately we'll all be fine - I just don't want to be separated from my baby or have a major surgery. I know I don't have much control over what happens, but I need some support in accepting this so that when the time comes I don't freak out on some nurse.
Attempting to explain that to him caused one of the only arguments we've ever had and I seriously needed some space from him after that. I'm starting to think he might not be the best 'coach' to have in the room if we do have to have a c-section... Like maybe my 2-home birth mom might be more understanding of my discomfort with the situation/hospital/etc... It's tough suddenly having a crisis of faith in him when I'm already trying to re-orient my sense of what labor and delivery will be like.
*sigh* Is it June yet?

[sostinkinhappy]

Originally Posted by Sachi Ivy

And on top of that, I'm currently full previa. [/snip]

I want to have a natural birth with the midwives at the birthing center, but if I have to have a c-section I wish that decision would just get made so I can adjust to the idea.[/snip]

This is something my (wonderful, loving, supportive) partner just doesn't get. He comes from a line of doctors and surgeons and the idea of a hospital birth or c-section (and all the policies that go with them) don't bother him and he doesn't get why they bother me. He just keeps telling me "not to worry".
[/snip]

Like maybe my 2-home birth mom might be more understanding of my discomfort with the situation/hospital/etc... It's tough suddenly having a crisis of faith in him when I'm already trying to re-orient my sense of what labor and delivery will be like.
*sigh* Is it June yet?

Hey - your DP must be related to my husband. He has such a cavalier attitude about me needing a c-section and just doesn't get "it" while I am really having a tough time coming to terms with it!

One thing that has really helped me is learning everything I possible can about what it is like to have a c-section. I too am terrified of having major surgery and REALLY would like to have a natural homebirth instead, but at this point, it is what it is, you know? By learning about c-sections and what they entail I have a much better understanding about what to expect and what things I can ask for/demand from the hospital, etc.

It has also helped me find a way to talk more "clinically" to my husband about my fears - when I can say, "It is specifically this that worries me," he seems much more responsive to my concerns than when I say I am concerned about some general/pervasive fear.

I know that with a complete previa there is no way possible to deliver vaginally and a c-section would have to be performed. You are still early enough and the placenta could migrate but then you also have the issue of the fibroids. If you have one blocking the birth canal (which it sounds like you might) and it is large enough, it may obstruct delivery. Also, fibroids can cause malpresentation of the baby, depending on where they are located so you have to be prepared for a transverse or breech baby.

If I were you, I would prepare as if I was having a natural delivery but also learn as much as I could about c-sections so that if you do have to go that route (which there is a possibility), it isn't such a big mystery.

And then try to breathe. (That's the hard part). This baby is our last and giving up the dreams of having her the way I envisioned has been hard. However, I have also come to accept the truth that if having a c-section is what it takes to get both me and her through this, then that is what will have to happen. (With lots of deep breathing and threatening my husband that if he doesn't step up then it will be my mom there in the delivery room with me!!)

M.

P.S. I am 24.5 weeks so just one week ahead of you!

[mammabunny]

With my first born, we took all the birthing classes, and prenatal yoga, I was so ready for labor. I never once even read anything about a c-section. Well after my water breaking, a day of labor and never dialating, I ended up with a c-section. At that point I was so exhausted and just wanted to get it all over with, I didin't even care. It was rough., The recovery was rough. I didn't take the pain meds afterwards b/c I didn't want my son to get them through my breast milk. Others who had csections told me they couldn't believe I didnt take the meds and there was no way they would have made it. So I guess that did make it rougher. Anyway, I have anxiety about a c-section again. I have anxiety over the epidural (it was very hard to get mine in last time). I have anxiety about the surgery, the recovery, and not feeling my legs, waiting for the epidural to wear off. But all in all, everything worked out fine last time. And I know you want to "know" ahead of time, but I think I might have been better off just being surprised by the csection last time. I think knowing, at least this time around makes me more anxious. But everyone is different. Just take comfort in knowing, you're not alone.

[MamaJenese]

I just wanted to say I know how you feel. I had two planned homebirths turn into c-sections. But also wanted to say just because you have a c section does not mean you have to be seperated from your baby. Start coming up with a plan for a possible c section. Talk to the Doc now. Start removing the unknown and advocate for yourslef in the event that is the way things go. I was wable to keep the baby with me at all times. nurse within minutes of them closing me up. Good luck Mama.

[Sachi Ivy]

Thanks so much everyone!
That was exactly what I needed. My partner finally came around and my mom was super-supportive, so I'm feeling better.
You're a wonderful community and I'm glad we're here for each other!
~Sachi

[khaoskat]

Not in the same situation as you right now..but wanted to say..

With DS1 I wanted a natural birth. DH was "on board" so to speak, but didn't really get it. He never "learned" how to support me through the labor. We had a horrible birth experience.

With DS2 I wanted again to go natural, but thought I needed something more than the hospital L&D class. We took Bradley, and it so opened up his eyes. Our birth experience was so totally different, and wonderful. I was even able to get him on board with home birth, but with his family pressure about not doing it and how late we ultimately decided to do it, never really happened.

With DD1 we tried again for natural, and he was so supportive throughout, even when it ended like it did.

With DD2 we tried again for a natural birth. I had a totally natural labor, but ended up with a c/s due to unforseen circumstances. We did have to do a one on one a few days before birth, about trusting our instincts instead of the wise uninformative decisions of the OB who was telling us c/s or fetal demise now. And once we talked privately without the pressure of the OB, we were both on the same footing. It was more him needing to hear my instincts and gut feeling, and that we were being so ambushed and snowballed into it with misinformation around every corner.

With this baby, we have both been on board with a HBAC, and hopefully HWBAC. We are even willing to go UC if needed, but would like some support to be a guiding voice and level headed, as we all know when in labor how level headed both parents can be.

[Realrellim]

You might try reading some positive c-section stories too. It's easy to focus on all the great and wonderful things of a natural birth and all the horror stories of c-sections but that's not really the whole picture. Envisioning both in their most positive form might help you prepare while you continue to wait for a definitive answer.

Also, fwiw, I really wish I just *knew* how this birth was going to turn out. I'm still planning a VBAC, but the complications keep piling up and part of me wants to know when and how I'm going to be doing this so I can be prepared. It's silly because obviously that's not possible, but I think a lot of women feel that way when complications come up.

[Sachi Ivy]

I met with my midwife team yesterday, and had a better idea of what kind of questions to ask thanks to your kind advice. We're of course going to check my internal conditions until the very last available moment. No matter what happens, the attendant midwife from the birthing center can and will accompany us to the hospital - for c-section or whatever - and will stand by and advocate. Knowing that helped alleviate a lot of my concern and stress about having a hospital birth/c-section.
It is interesting to me, however, that the two sides seem so polarized! The midwives seem to me as though they only want to concentrate on the positive - they don't want to allude to the mounting possibility that I'll have to have a c-section. Meanwhile, the Ob/Gyn at the hospital was concerned - she didn't say anything either way, but seemed significantly more hesitant about the conditions.
The previa is will-or-won't situation, I know. The fibroids can cause a series of problems, like causing an obstruction in the cervix (and I do have one there) or causing the baby to be transverse or breech if he gets "stuck" by them. He certainly aims some good kicks at the bigger one on top of my uterus! So I know I'll still have to 'wait and see', possibly up until he's on his way, but I feel better informed and more relaxed about it.
For now, I'm going to straddle the fence and prepare for both, focusing simply on having a happy, healthy baby and a happy, healthy me on the other side of whatever happens.
And my hopelessly optimistic partner is always in support of that!