found lump, scared, need to talk to someone - new update post 17

[pianojazzgirl]

So for the past month or so I've been getting some weird symptoms - intermittent nausea, intermittent tingling/numb sensation in my left cheek, enlarged lymph nodes behind my ears and in my neck, and headaches. And I've been tired. So I made an appointment with the dr, but by the time I saw him (a week later) the symptoms had disappeared. He looked me over and didn't find anything, and suggested that it could have been a virus, but if the symptoms came back at all that I should call right away for another appointment. So this afternoon I was kind of bothered by a mild pain on my upper left chest. I thought it was just a skin tag kind of thing bothering me. But as I felt it I realized that there was actually a hard, immovable lump, seemingly attached to the inside edge of my clavicle.

I am so terrified that this is cancer. I have a lot of cancer in the family and it's definitely something I worry a bit about anyway. Now my dh is out of town, I'm alone with the two kids. My best friend just had a baby last night (I was there by the way - what an unbelievably amazing experience). I just feel alone and scared and I might start crying because I just think about if this is something bad and if I die I just imagine my kids left without me and I feel this unbearable sadness. A couple of years ago a mama in my DDC when I had my ds had a recurrence of breast cancer. It had advanced past the stage of being treatable. I think about her often and my heart just breaks thinking of her two young sons left without their mother. I remember reading her posts after she was diagnosed and the terror she was feeling, and the unbelievable sadness at knowing her sons would grow up without her. Anyway, I just can't stop thinking about her, and then thinking about my own two kids, and feeling so scared.

Since my dh is gone and my closest friend is babymooning I have no one to talk to and so I decided to post here.

If this is cancer I want to catch it as early as possible. I know it can take absolutely forever to get an MRI or anything here, but if you go into the ER you will most certainly be tested way sooner than if you go through your reg dr. So part of me is thinking how can I make this an "emergency" so I can go into the ER tomorrow and get checked out. Or should I go to a walk-in clinic tomorrow. Or should I wait to call my dr's office on Tues (he doesn't have office hours on Mon). What should I do? - I'm in panic mode and not thinking clearly.

Sorry for spilling this all out here. All afternoon and evening I've been holding it in and keeping it together for my kids, and then while visiting my friend and her new baby... trying to feel happy and excited but unable to stop thinking about it for even a moment.

Looking for any thoughts, support, been there done that "found a lump" support, etc.

Thank you wonderful mamas.

[herenow2]

Hey Mama,

I've had this same fear before. It was crippling. I was certain that I had some rare kind of lymphoma because I had an unexplained enlarged lymph node in my neck and a strange rash on my chest. It was a Friday night when I had convinced myself of this through endless internet research. I ended up going to an urgent care the next day and even though that doctor said I was fine, I went to two more doctors over the following weeks and it all turned out to be nothing. It is such a scary thought.

There must be something about motherhood that makes us come up with the worst scenarios possible. Chances are you are absolutely fine. Get yourself checked out for some peace of mind. But know too that even if there is something going on that again chances are that you will fight it and be fine.

On another note, my father, whose father died when he was two and mother when he was nine, always reassures me that children are resilient and ultimately are taken care of and get what they need no matter what. I remind myself of that when I am consumed with the what ifs.

Maybe just take some deep breaths and distract yourself a bit until you can get to a doctor.

All the best to you.

[pianojazzgirl]

I appreciate your response so much. The worst thing is feeling so freaked out and just having to keep it inside. I know you're right that motherhood definitely brings out an automatic "worst case scenario" reaction... at least in me it does. I have become so much more of an anxious person since having kids. Now I worry about me, and even more about them.

Ok, here I am taking some deep breaths. (breathe breathe)

I'm going to go watch a video. And then I'm sure I'll be back to check this thread for more responses before bed. It really is helpful to let my fears out and have someone listen.

[amcal]

Oh Mama, I just couldn't read without responding.

I so know the terror you're feeling. I had melanoma in may of last year and getting past that terror has been really difficult. Every lump, bump, rash etc... is automatically cancer.

All I can say is that worrying before you have any information is not only pointless but, it's damaging to you - to you physically, emotionally, psychologically etc.... It causes such stress and until you know what you're dealing with, it's not productive.

Try to be calm. DO NOT GOOGLE. But, do get yourself checked out. Be proactive and do what you can but, don't allow yourself to focus on the 'what ifs". You will deal with whatever comes your way but, don't spend your precious energy or time worrying.

Many hugs to you Mama! And prayers for good health.

[BellinghamCrunchie]

Boy, do I know how you feel. I have the same panicky feelings over similar things. I take those feelings and imaginings to the worst possible conclusion, like you are doing.

You are probably just fine. Its probably a lipoma or something. These things usually are. The bump being nothing important or worrisome is far, far, far more likely to be the case than anything else.

[texaspeach]

I agree with the advice to stay away from dr google. I had a health scare when I was pregnant (was told everything from brain tumor, ms to autoimmune) and googling just made me worry more.

I'm sorry you're so worried.

[herenow2]

Hope you got some sleep and feel a little better today. I forgot to mention how much better I felt after talking to people about my concerns. I hope you get a chance to do that soon.

[pianojazzgirl]

Thanks mamas.

I was feeling better last night after reading your replies, but now this morning I'm in full panic mode again. Came back here to try to regain some calm. I think that you're right - I will feel better once I talk to someone about this. I think I will call and ask a friend if she can watch my kids so that I can go to the walk-in clinic. Being home alone with the kids, and trying to pretend to feel happy and normal for them, is so hard. I feel like I need to be doing something proactive.

Thank you again so much for your responses guys. You have no idea (or maybe you do) of how much it helps.

[pianojazzgirl]

I dropped the kids off at a friend's house and went to the clinic. On the phone the message said they were open until 2 on Saturdays, but when I got there there was a note on the door saying that due to physician shortages they had to cut their Saturday hours this week. I started crying when I read that.

I'm so mad at myself that I can't pull myself together. I can't stop thinking and worrying about it. Even when I'm talking to my kids I'm not really "there" with them. I don't know what to do now. I just came straight home to take a few minutes to breathe deep and eat something (I haven't had the stomach to eat anything yet today), before picking up the kids.

How do all those amazing people keep such a positive attitude in the face of adversity? Here I am almost unable to function just with my fears of what if. I don't know I just have such a strong feeling that this really is something bad (cancer?). I have had occasional lumps and bumps that I've had checked out before, but this one is just absolutely terrifying me. I really don't have a good feeling about it.

Thank you again for listening to me rant. I needed to let it out.

And please - can anyone give me a calming mantra that I can repeat to myself? Or other ideas to help me calm down? I took some rescue remedy today but it didn't make a difference. I just needed to take some action (going to the clinic), and since that fell through I'm at a loss. Can I go to the ER with this?

[mamefati28]

Louise Hay- "I am healthy, happy, and whole"
I forget what that one pertains to, just the one that I always remember.
You are not alone, momma!

[amcal]

I repeat "I am healthy, I am strong" to myself constantly. When I'm walking on the treadmill, when I'm in the shower, when I'm scared - I breath deeply and just repeat, "I am healthy, I am strong".

Hang in there Mama. I know how easy it is to jump to worst case scenario. But, it doesn't do you or your kids any good to do that. Just try to breath, meditate or pray or do what you need to do to stay calm and try to release the fear.

[herenow2]

I'm so sorry you couldn't see a doctor yesterday. The not knowing is the worst part I think. I always figured if I found out there was something wrong then I could start doing things go fix it and focus my energy on planning, but when you don't know if you are just being paranoid then you are just stagnant.

Maybe try some breathing meditation exercises. Try breathing in calm and health and breathing out anxiety and fear.

Everything WILL be okay, no matter what is going on. Would it help to make a plan in your head for how your children would be taken care of if something were to happen to you? Don't do that if it causes more anxiety, but planning for worst case scenarios always helps me.

Also when you are stressed, it is good to listen to music as it stimulates another part of your brain and takes the focus of the anxiety. Maybe take a long walk or get some sort of physical exercise too.

[pianojazzgirl]

Those are all wonderful suggestions - thank you.

I wanted to give an update. Yesterday evening as I was stressing out, still at my friends' house they convinced me to call the nurse help line to see whether this was something I should head to the ER for or if I should just wait to see my reg dr. The nurse asked me a bunch of questions and then concluded that I should go to the ER. My dh was still away and another wonderful friend (and her husband) helped me out (she drove me to the ER and stayed with me there and he took care of the kids).

The dr at the ER looked at the lump and felt confident that it was just a lymph node. But she was concerned about the weird symptoms. She did a bunch of bloodwork, and did a few simple tests to check for neurological problems. Nothing came of those tests, but she has me scheduled for a CT scan of my brain on Monday morning, then I wait around at the hospital for some neurologists to discuss the test results, and then I finally get to speak to a neurologist (the dr told me to basically write off the whole day - it will take forever). So, that's where I am now. Somewhat relieved that nothing bad has been found so far, somewhat unbelieving that the lump is just a lymph node, somewhat terrified at having to have a brain scan, and somewhat happy that at least I'm being seen and tested now.

Thank you all so much for your support wonderful mamas. It really means the world to me and helps so much.

I'll keep you all updated.

[herenow2]

I am so glad you are getting somewhere with this. I will keep you in my thoughts during your CT scan.

All the best to you!

[pianojazzgirl]

Originally Posted by herenow2

I am so glad you are getting somewhere with this. I will keep you in my thoughts during your CT scan.

All the best to you!

Thanks!

[Plaid Leopard]

I'll be thinking of you and sending light.

I hope you get some answers about your symptoms and some reassurance that all is ok.

I am healthy and whole and strong is a good mantra. Try to chase away the fear with an image of your healthy self.

[pianojazzgirl]

So I had my CT scan today. Nothing showed up on the scan, and the drs felt pretty confident that there is nothing neurologically wrong with me. However, they are sending me for an MRI as well, just to be sure (it'll probably be in a couple of months). They still don't know what is causing the symptoms though. So I feel relieved, but not totally relieved since I'm still having these mystery symptoms. Also I had the neurologist feel the lump and she thought it wasn't a lymph node, but didn't know what it was. So I'm supposed to follow up with that with my GP. Hmm.

Just thought I'd update and let you know where I'm at. Thank you so much for your support, it really has helped me so much!

[herenow2]

Ugh, more uncertainty. Keep going til you find answers you are satisified with. Although, I have a history of strange unexplained symptoms that, (thus far at least) have not amounted to anything at all and eventually go away, so maybe it is nothing. Take care!

[RiverSky]

[Peacemamalove]

Any updates?