I've created a monster: TV and a toddler

[RoseDuperre]

Help.

I feel like I've ruined my child permanently and it's all thanks to Elmo, and me not sticking to my guns about no television before she's at least two, and then LIMITED after that. She's 22 months now.

It started with her dad. Not to pass the buck totally, but whenever he has watched her, in the last year, his cartoons are always on (think Family Guy, Futurama, The Simpsons). It makes me nuts, and we have argued about it (with him usually giving up with a "FINE, you're the SUPERIOR PARENT"). But at least those she would kind of half-watch, half-play, and wouldn't ask for it if it wasn't on, ever.

Oh, the good old days. Because then . . . we introduced Elmo. Just for fun, just to see if she liked it.

Well, I now have a full blown ADDICT who throws absolute fits if I don't put Elmo on whenever she wants. And she's not old enough for me to explain that she can watch some later (I would prefer only one show daily), but NOT NOW. All she knows is that I'm denying her and she doesn't understand why.

She's such a smart girl and when I see her sitting mesmerized in front of the TV, I fear that her brains are just dribbling out her ears. Yes, at least it's Sesame Street, and at least somewhat educational. And we don't actually have TV, just videos, so there are no commercials. (I TOTALLY draw the line there.) But this does not change the fact that she is watching HOURS of TV every day now.

Part of it is the winter. I can't take her outside to play the way we can in the summer. And some days I can get her all the way until the end of the day, when I NEED to have some time hands-free in order to cook dinner (this, ideally, would be when we have our limited Sesame St. hour). Part fo the problem is that I'm totally alone with her so much. But other days the begging and whining and full-blown tantrum-throwing begins as soon as we come downstairs.

I don't want her to have learning disabilities. I don't want her to have trouble reading, or equally bad if not worse, not even WANT to read because TV is so much more exciting. I have invested so much in AP and in healthy foods for her, only to screw her brain up like this. This is my big FAIL as a mother so far.

What do I do?

[Natsuki]

You are the mama - you have to decide what is best and stick with it even through her big feelings. Watching Elmo or TV is not a 'need', it is a 'want', and a want that I am perfectly comfortable saying "No" to even if my child is upset about it.

Reflect her feelings, redirect her to another activity, but stick to your guns. If you want to do one show a day then make it at a scheduled time ("We only watch Elmo after Breakfast for 1 show"). If you want to decrease her dependence on it then you could go cold turkey and say there is no more Elmo.

But the important part is to decide what you want your TV watching to look like and then be consistent with it and parent her through her big feelings - there will be a lot of things in life that will be frustrating and not what she wants, and the way you handle this with her (with empathy, consistency, firmness, and love) will help set her up for success as she grows.

[tessie]

TV won't break her, not an hour or two a day anyway. I realise that doing nothing but watching tv isn't great for language skills etc but you don't sound as though you're doing nothing but tv. Seriously, if a bit of tv is the worst thing you'll do as a parent then your kid will be just fine.

If you want to restrict it then you say no and you take her out of the house more often, at least until the habit is broken. I appreciate that it's winter but there will be places you can go that are cheap/free and will be more fun that sitting at home watching elmo. She's going to protest but she'll get over it with a bit of redirection.

Libraries often have free activities for toddlers. Are there any playgroups or similar locally? Soft play/activity centres? My 14 month old loves the aquarium and we often take her for a walk round to tire her out. We also still go to park/feed the ducks - we bundle her up well. A friend has recommended taking her to the pet shop as her kids can easily spend an hour in there ooing at the rabbits - I'm saving that one up for the next rainy day.

[avalonfaith]

we went through that. we still do TV (my son is 4), but he is perfectly happy entertaining himself in his room, practicing letters and numbers with me or DP, or going outside. the novelty wears off a lot.

[dutchgal]

I could have written your post at that age. My DD is 2.5 now and she now knows that we only watch a DVD at breakfast time. I tell her to say goodbye to the characters after I have paused the DVD and she can still see the characters, and we turn it off. Initially I had to just walk away from her raging, because if I stayed I think she figured she could still convince me with her tantrumming that she needed more Elmo. When I just did the goodbye routine and then walked away, her raging and tantrumming was much shorter. Stick with it, and it'll get better.

[mamabutterfly]

I don't know what you mean by "HOURS" but it sounds like it could help to discipline yourself with what you are going to fill your days with. I assume that giving in to these tantrums is in part also because it gets you some un-interrupted time, and if you want to change her TV watching (which is a great idea for all the reasons you list) you might need a plan to substitute it first.

Decide you're going to get out of the house, first of all. So it's winter, there are things to do.
Secondly, think about inviting friends over a lot; that's one way I keep the TV out of the picture.

If your concern is strong enough, I might consider in your situation, with her so young, taking the batteries from the remote for a few days and acting like the TV is broken. Just feel what it is like to live with her without the DVDs as an option. The tantrums might go away faster than you'd expect.

Good luck! I know winter with a toddler one on one is a little mind numbing. Hang in there!

[paulamc]

Personally what I think I'd do in this situation is throw away all videos and go cold turkey no TV. That takes away the option for you to give in, and you can honestly tell her that the videos are gone and that watching them is simply not possible. It would be hard initially, but eventually she'd forget and get used to whatever new routine you come up with.

For me, the hardest time of day is 4pm until dinnertime. I've started trying to arrange late afternoon playdates to help pass the time. Do you know anyone with children the same age who could come over, or is there a way you could get out and meet some. If not, can you get out of the house? The mall (ours has a play area) and the library might be options for that time of day.

Other times of day, such as the morning before nap, I like to take DS to the children's museum (we bought a pass) to play or the library, either just to hang out/ play or for the scheduled storytimes which have turned out to be really fun for him. There's as much music, singing and dancing as storytelling.

We just don't do TV at our house, with the exception of Baby Signing Time, and even that I'm a bit conflicted about. I see how much he learns and that makes me feel a bit better about it. Also, he doesn't sit mesmerized by it, instead he'll watch some then play, watch some, then play. The music is nice.

Anyway, I hope you figure out a solution that works for you and your family! I realize that going cold turkey no TV will mean coming to an agreement with your DH. At least if you get rid of the videos, Elmo wouldn't be available to your DH anymore, in case he is the one that sometimes puts it on.

[GracieLynn]

I second this. She now entertains her self, looking at the TV now and then. The only arguement is if I want music on vs the tv. If it isn't a cartoon, she tuns the TV off. I was just telling DP how I'd love to pull off the on/off button.
And yet on the same note. she doesn't really watch it. I keep what I feel "teaching" shows on (if cartoons can be such). If she is going to listen, might as well be a learning type show.

Sometimes I turn the TV sound totally off and use my computer for music.

Originally Posted by avalonfaith

we went through that. we still do TV (my son is 4), but he is perfectly happy entertaining himself in his room, practicing letters and numbers with me or DP, or going outside. the novelty wears off a lot.

[blizzard_babe]

Originally Posted by GracieLynn

I was just telling DP how I'd love to pull off the on/off button.

We inherited a TV when we moved into this apartment. Its on-off button was long ago removed by some previous tenant. It's nice. We don't watch much TV, but it's nice that DS can't turn off the monitor while we're playing Wii Fit.

[shelleyd]

I went through something very similar with my oldest daughter. Even now she LOVES tv and would watch it all day if I let her. What I have found works best for her is to have a consistent routine. She knows that she gets to watch cartoons when her baby sister naps and that is it. She (usually) cooperates when we turn it off at the end of the designated time period. However on days where we slack on the routine and let her watch more TV, she has a really hard time turning it off and begs for it the rest of the day. So the consistent routine has really helped us with tv limits for a long time. She doesn't bug all day for it and accepts it being turned off.

Oh and it all started with my dh and Elmo too! My best advice is to pick a time of day that you want her to watch tv so that it will give you the break you need. Then stick with that and only that. She will be upset initally but a few days in she'll figure out the routine and settle in.

Good luck!

[*EarthMama*]

Hey Mama!

I know from personal experience how hard it is to limit tv when your toddler is tv-crazed! I feel for you. Ours started when we had roommates who put the tv on ALL THE TIME for their son... it was really frustrating because I had always been all about no tv for my under 2 year old. I found myself compromising and soon Kayleb (ds) became quite addicted to watching his shows... since then (he is 28 months now) we have decided that a little tv is okay. We allow him to watch 30-60min in the morning and the same in the evening. We have found that by breaking it up in the day he becomes less zombie-fied and actually interacts with the tv. I have also found that having varied exciting activities helps take his attention away from the tv. At times it is a challenge to distract him with other activities but for the most part he is happy to do something else. Kids crave things that keep them engaged and I've noticed my toddler is most apt to ask for the tv when he is not being actively engaged. I have been lurking on this thread which has some EXCELLENT ideas for activities for toddlers. I am also considering doing a very flexible schedule for my toddler and I to help us have an idea of alternative things to do that are fun, creative, and educational. Here is the link to that thread: http://www.mothering.com/discussions...9#post15034839

Good luck Mama! Your dd will get over watching the tv all the time, sometimes it just takes time and lots of new activities...

[tessie]

Coming back to this to add that my 14 month old loves TV. Tonight she pointed at the switched off set and signed more. She got a story instead.

I try to watch active shows with her, such as Yo Gabba Gabba, and we do the singing and dancing. She also loves animal documentaries - although she's not so keen on my running commentary of, ' What noise does the lion make? What colour is the hippo?'

We do have a routine for tv watching. I watch the bbc news while getting ready for work but she ignores that. She goes to nursery on weekdays so no tv there. She gets one programme (so about 20 -30 minutes) in the evening which I split between getting ready for her bath and getting dressed afterwards and having supper. Occasionally she gets a little more at the weekend.

[lisavark]

ITA with what other posters have said--go cold turkey, or pick a time for TV and say no the rest of the time, and plan other activities that are fun and interesting. But I also just wanted to say, OP, because it sounds like you're pretty unhappy with having allowed things to get to this point, that you really do NOT need to beat yourself up about this. Seriously. I was a tv addict as a young kid--I don't know what age it started, but I remember one day when I was about four telling my twin sister that we should watch tv ALL DAY, just because we could. That was the day that the neighbor's yard caught on fire--seriously, their grass was overgrown and the whole thing went up in flames, there were three fire trucks at their house--and I was annoyed because it interrupted my goal of not leaving the tv screen all day. Not because I thought tv was more interesting than, uh, a FIRE...just because I had set myself a GOAL. LOL. Anyway, at some point my mom realized this was a problem, and she hung a tablecloth over the tv (to "remind" us of the new rule, which was that we had to ask permission to use it and had to be planning to watch a particular show, and we were limited to like one show a day or something) and locked us out of the house. Literally locked us outside so we would have to play in the yard. Within weeks we were down to watching one show a week, and that's all I ever even wanted to watch for the rest of my childhood. But despite all the time I spent staring at the screen in those early formative years, my brain did not dribble out my ears. I was a voracious reader by the time I started kindergarten, and I was reading adult-level books by the time I was 8. Now I read an average of at least a book a week, usually more depending on how quick of a read it is. I'm a published writer, I have no learning disabilities, and I made great grades all through school and college. The tv your DD has watched has NOT ruined her brain, and you have not failed as a mom! So don't stress about it...

[kcstar]

The other thing I would add is that Elmo IS educational. DS is also an Elmo addict, and we've struggled with watching too much TV. We've had four weeks of northern winter, out of town visiting my family, and one of the things we've done is take him to McDonalds ( ) to run around their playplace. If we were from the area and willing to be out longer, we probably would have gone mall-walking as well. Anywhere with an indoor play area away from the TV.

At home, we have the space for DH to chase DS around the house a bit, get in some exercise. We also make a trip to the library every week, so he can play in their children's area.

Sometimes when DS wants TV, it's because I'm on the computer and DH is doing something else. He's either looking for attention or else trying to copy me. I can sometimes get him off the TV kick by going to his room and reading stories or putting on a CD. If he wants Elmo, put in a Sesame Street CD with Elmo singing and/or read him a book starring Elmo. If he wants Signing Time, put in a CD of the music and you play Rachel / sign to him.

[RoseDuperre]

Thank you all so much.

Originally Posted by dutchgal

I could have written your post at that age. My DD is 2.5 now and she now knows that we only watch a DVD at breakfast time. I tell her to say goodbye to the characters after I have paused the DVD and she can still see the characters, and we turn it off. Initially I had to just walk away from her raging, because if I stayed I think she figured she could still convince me with her tantrumming that she needed more Elmo. When I just did the goodbye routine and then walked away, her raging and tantrumming was much shorter. Stick with it, and it'll get better.

This is good advice. I especially like the saying goodbye part, as sometimes I feel like it's genuinely rude to flip something off abruptly, even if I've tried to warn her, since she doesn't really understand "10 more minutes now, okay?" She's still not going to like it, but at least I 'll feel like less of a tyrant.

Originally Posted by tessie

TV won't break her, not an hour or two a day anyway. I realise that doing nothing but watching tv isn't great for language skills etc but you don't sound as though you're doing nothing but tv. Seriously, if a bit of tv is the worst thing you'll do as a parent then your kid will be just fine.

If you want to restrict it then you say no and you take her out of the house more often, at least until the habit is broken. I appreciate that it's winter but there will be places you can go that are cheap/free and will be more fun that sitting at home watching elmo. She's going to protest but she'll get over it with a bit of redirection.

Libraries often have free activities for toddlers. Are there any playgroups or similar locally? Soft play/activity centres? My 14 month old loves the aquarium and we often take her for a walk round to tire her out. We also still go to park/feed the ducks - we bundle her up well. A friend has recommended taking her to the pet shop as her kids can easily spend an hour in there ooing at the rabbits - I'm saving that one up for the next rainy day.

Thank you for paragraph one. I needed that.

And yo;re right about getting out more, no matter the weather. Trouble is she is not great in the car, but we're just going to have to cope with that. Our immediate area doesn't have a whole lot, but I'll try to find some other things to do.

Originally Posted by avalonfaith

we went through that. we still do TV (my son is 4), but he is perfectly happy entertaining himself in his room, practicing letters and numbers with me or DP, or going outside. the novelty wears off a lot.

THAT is music to my ears. One thing I do know, we are NOT going to get any more DVDs. She does get a little bored of the ones she's seen more often, so I figure if she gets bored of them all - GOOD! I was talking about this with another friend who thinks it's a phase, and if we do our best to limit and redirect as much as we can stand (yes, I DO need it for dinnertime, so I'm going to enforce not doing it until dark) hopefully it will pass.

We're going to be traveling soon, starting later this week, too, so I hope the change of scenery goes a way towards breaking the habit.

[RoseDuperre]

And even more thank yous all around to ALL!

Originally Posted by shelleyd

I went through something very similar with my oldest daughter. Even now she LOVES tv and would watch it all day if I let her. What I have found works best for her is to have a consistent routine. She knows that she gets to watch cartoons when her baby sister naps and that is it. She (usually) cooperates when we turn it off at the end of the designated time period. However on days where we slack on the routine and let her watch more TV, she has a really hard time turning it off and begs for it the rest of the day. So the consistent routine has really helped us with tv limits for a long time. She doesn't bug all day for it and accepts it being turned off.

Oh and it all started with my dh and Elmo too! !

'

That makes much, much sense. And GRRR on the DH! The one good thing that is coming of this is that now I think he sees, finally, how serious it is and how upset it's making me, so I think he'll be much more cooperative.

Originally Posted by lisavark

ITA with what other posters have said--go cold turkey, or pick a time for TV and say no the rest of the time, and plan other activities that are fun and interesting. But I also just wanted to say, OP, because it sounds like you're pretty unhappy with having allowed things to get to this point, that you really do NOT need to beat yourself up about this. . . . I'm a published writer, I have no learning disabilities, and I made great grades all through school and college. The tv your DD has watched has NOT ruined her brain, and you have not failed as a mom! So don't stress about it...

BLESS YOU. This whole post really, really made my night. I needed it.

Originally Posted by kcstar

The other thing I would add is that Elmo IS educational. DS is also an Elmo addict, and we've struggled with watching too much TV. We've had four weeks of northern winter, out of town visiting my family, and one of the things we've done is take him to McDonalds ( ) to run around their playplace. If we were from the area and willing to be out longer, we probably would have gone mall-walking as well. Anywhere with an indoor play area away from the TV.

At home, we have the space for DH to chase DS around the house a bit, get in some exercise. We also make a trip to the library every week, so he can play in their children's area.

Sometimes when DS wants TV, it's because I'm on the computer and DH is doing something else. He's either looking for attention or else trying to copy me. I can sometimes get him off the TV kick by going to his room and reading stories or putting on a CD. If he wants Elmo, put in a Sesame Street CD with Elmo singing and/or read him a book starring Elmo. If he wants Signing Time, put in a CD of the music and you play Rachel / sign to him.

All fantastic suggestions! You know, as I was saying earlier, we're a little isolated from the center of things, like the big library, the children's museum and such - but you know what? There IS a McDonald's not too far from here. It so not on my radar that I can't picture exactly where it is, heh, but I do know there's one on one of the busier streets here somewhere. Can you just go and play without buying anything? I suppose I could buy some water if needed, or some coffee, if I have to.

I should try to introduce Elmo music after we get back into town (I want to try and "break" her while we're gone first, I think).

[RoseDuperre]

Originally Posted by mamabutterfly

I don't know what you mean by "HOURS" but it sounds like it could help to discipline yourself with what you are going to fill your days with. I assume that giving in to these tantrums is in part also because it gets you some un-interrupted time, and if you want to change her TV watching (which is a great idea for all the reasons you list) you might need a plan to substitute it first.

Honestly, yes, but primarily during dinner-prep time. Until recently this was all she ever wanted, too. Even my internet time is done primarily during her nap & after she's fallen asleep for the night. The entire rest of the day is normally spent on other things, and ever since she started begging for it non-stop this week (she's also been feeling ill, which might have sparked the increased desire to veg in the first place), I have TRIED redirecting.

I offer books, coloring, toys of all kinds, bring her to her swingset (we moved it indoors for the winter), everything I can think of, and alas, this TV obsession has also coincided with the "NO!" phase.

But your suggestions and the suggestions above are all good ones. We're just going to have to get out and about more, and do playdates, even if it means some whining and fussing in the car. And the "withdrawal" when we visit Grandma will do some good I think.

And soon enough it will be spring, and we can play outside (we seriousy have ridiculous amounts of space), and she will be getting more verbal and will be able to understand what limits are - even if she doesn't like them, at least she'll comprehend what I'm saying!

I really feel much better. If things don't improve much over the next few days, I will come back and read my paragraph above, and everyone's advice, and know that things WILL GET BETTER. (They kind of have to.)