I have been a SAHM for the last 5 1/2 years, since shortly before my older child was born. I used to be a high school teacher, and now, having completed a master's program in library science, will be looking for a school media specialist (aka school librarian) position for the 2010-2011 school year. My older daughter will be in full day kindergarten, my younger daughter in half day preschool. Luckily, my husband works from home (very flexibly) and will be able to do transportation to school, sick days, etc. So we don't have to worry about day/after-school care, rides to school, etc. My parents live close by and are very involved with the girls too so we can count on them for help when necessary.
However, I am literally sick with dread about the thought of going back to work. I think I will like the job well enough, but I feel so torn up. I feel like if I care about my job it means I don't care about my kids enough. I know on some level that this is irrational. But I am really not a career person; if I ever came into a good deal of money I would definitely not work full time. I feel like my family can't be my priority if I work. On the rare occasions when I start to feel any positivity or excitement about returning to work, I look at my kids and feel terrible guilt and feel like I will be missing out on so much.
On the other hand, I see benefits to my working. The $$$ will be nice! I tend to worry about things (can you tell? lol) and I do much better when my time is structured. I have 2 daughters, and if I stayed home forever, I wonder what message that would send them; I have 2 graduate degrees and education is very important to me, and I want to instill a sense of that in them. Working in a school is not going to require the type of hours a corporate environment would, which is why I am choosing to stay in the school system. Once both of the girls are in school full day, I will only be gone 2 hours or so more than they are.
But I still feel like the most horrible mother in world. Will it get better once I have a job and get used to it? I don't like change, and I'm hoping that I am just feeling all of this anxiety b/c I don't know what to anticipate. I live in a different state now, so on top of getting a new job, it will be somewhere I have never worked before. I have about 6 months left until I go back to work, and I feel like it's 6 months until the world ends.
However, I am literally sick with dread about the thought of going back to work. I think I will like the job well enough, but I feel so torn up. I feel like if I care about my job it means I don't care about my kids enough. I know on some level that this is irrational. But I am really not a career person; if I ever came into a good deal of money I would definitely not work full time. I feel like my family can't be my priority if I work. On the rare occasions when I start to feel any positivity or excitement about returning to work, I look at my kids and feel terrible guilt and feel like I will be missing out on so much.
On the other hand, I see benefits to my working. The $$$ will be nice! I tend to worry about things (can you tell? lol) and I do much better when my time is structured. I have 2 daughters, and if I stayed home forever, I wonder what message that would send them; I have 2 graduate degrees and education is very important to me, and I want to instill a sense of that in them. Working in a school is not going to require the type of hours a corporate environment would, which is why I am choosing to stay in the school system. Once both of the girls are in school full day, I will only be gone 2 hours or so more than they are.
But I still feel like the most horrible mother in world. Will it get better once I have a job and get used to it? I don't like change, and I'm hoping that I am just feeling all of this anxiety b/c I don't know what to anticipate. I live in a different state now, so on top of getting a new job, it will be somewhere I have never worked before. I have about 6 months left until I go back to work, and I feel like it's 6 months until the world ends.
