When being firm doesn't work...

[amberskyfire]

My daughter is two, but she has an almost complete grasp of language and is very verbally advanced, so this isn't a situation of not understanding or being too young to comprehend what is going on. She completely understands this situation and has for quite a long time.

The situation:

After a nursing and snuggle session, she decides she doesn't want anymore. She asks me for a bowl of dry cereal which I give to her. She eats three pieces, then looks me right in the eye and defiantly holds the bowl out over the floor and dumps out its contents while watching for my reaction.

My only reaction is to ask her to pick all of the cereal up and put it back into the bowl. Throwing/dumping food is a big no-no in our house of which she is well aware.

"NO!" She runs off. I continue folding laundry. She plays with her toys a moment and I ask her again to pick up the cereal. "NO!" She plays for a while more and then comes over and asks me to get her more food.

I tell her no, she has to pick up the cereal and put it into the bowl. "NO!" I tell her we don't waste food. She can't have anymore until she puts all of the cereal in the bowl (it is not much cereal, by the way. Maybe 1/2 cup). "NO!" I ignore her. She runs off.

She has come back about ten times now begging for more food or to nurse. I keep telling her no, not until she picks up the cereal. "NO! NONONONONO!"

She asks me to help her. I get down to help her, but she won't help. She won't pick up a single piece. I tell her she has to do it by herself, then. "NONONONONONO!"

It is now getting toward naptime and she is getting too tired to carry this on anymore. A two year old who is exhausted and screaming "MILK MILK MILK!" Really can't grasp the ability to sit down and clean up her mess.

What do I do? I don't feel right denying her food or cleaning it up myself, but I don't know what else I can do.

Also, we do not punish in our home. No time-out. No taking away her possessions unless she is hurting someone/something with them.

[tessie]

She sounds like a typical two year old. And just because they can understand doesn't mean they are willing to cooperate! If she's dumping it out she clearly doesn't want to eat it. It's a game. She's learning about boundaries and testing limits. It's what two year olds do.

Either don't give her the cereal in the first place if she always dumps it out or give her a couple of pieces then offer more if she eats that.

[Cheshire]

Instead of saying no try saying "yes, you can have XXX when we've picked up the cereal off the floor."

I also agree to just give a few pieces instead of a 1/2 cup in a bowl. You could also try some playful parenting to pick up the mess - pretend your hand is a hungry puppy wanting to eat it (sorry, not too creative an example but you get the idea).

[One_Girl]

I think you should try to prevent this from happening instead of making it a power struggle. Just because a child understands words doesn't mean they have the self-control to listen to them or resist temptation, especially when it is a fun game where she gets to dump things out and assert her desire to be in charge of what she does.

[Momily]

I do think a 2 year old can learn to not dump

In this case, I'd probably swoop her up and say "I want to nurse and snuggle too" then get the dustpan and help her clean up hand over hand, and then say "all done, let's go nurse".

[Just1More]

Helping her do it is a good idea, as Momily suggested. Get the job done and avert the struggle entirely.

But, it sounds to me like she is being defiant on purpose because she knows she can get away with it. She stalled long enough and because it was approaching naptime, she got out of it. I suspect this isn't the only area where she acts this way. And she is using wanting more food/to nurse as an escape...not because she needs it, or even truly wants it.

My approach would probably be more direct, and probably more than many here would be comfortable doing. But, if I asked for the cereal to be picked up, then it would get picked up. And in a reasonable amount of time, too. So, an awful power struggle it would be. I would say, "You may not dump your food on the floor. Please pick it up." When she tantrumed, I would sit quietly. Then I would return her to the pile and repeat. It would not be up for discussion. If she left, I would return her to the pile. "You dumped your cereal. You may not dump your cereal. Please pick it up." And if it took HOURS, then so be it. We've been there.

When the awful struggle is over, and the job is done, I would say, "You may not dump your food on the floor. When you dump your food on the floor, you will pick it up." And then I would give hugs and be happy with her the job was done and ask what she wanted to do.

My ds is 2.5, and he gets it. And he does stuff TOTALLY on purpose, too. NO doubt. And prolonging it or trying to fool him out of it, or help him do it just makes him mad. And he'll do it again. Cut and dry is the only way for my little man. Sometimes it's miserable, but once we get through it, the days following go SO much better.

[puffingirl]

Originally Posted by Just1More

My approach would probably be more direct, and probably more than many here would be comfortable doing. But, if I asked for the cereal to be picked up, then it would get picked up. And in a reasonable amount of time, too. So, an awful power struggle it would be. I would say, "You may not dump your food on the floor. Please pick it up." When she tantrumed, I would sit quietly. Then I would return her to the pile and repeat. It would not be up for discussion. If she left, I would return her to the pile. "You dumped your cereal. You may not dump your cereal. Please pick it up." And if it took HOURS, then so be it. We've been there.

When the awful struggle is over, and the job is done, I would say, "You may not dump your food on the floor. When you dump your food on the floor, you will pick it up." And then I would give hugs and be happy with her the job was done and ask what she wanted to do.
.

We have done exactly this. It didn't more than a couple of times of prolonged effort before she got the message. I didn't get angry or upset but just kept bringing her back until it was done. This came after all the playful attempts didn't work (most of the time the playful approach is enough, but not always).