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Pregnant 13 y.o. / UPDATE post 41

post #1 of 64
2/6/10 at 5:13pm
Thread Starter 
My daughter has just told me that her friend (age 13) is pregnant. My daughter encouraged her friend to let her fill me in on the situation, and she begrudgingly agreed. The friend does not want her parents to know, plans on having an abortion, but does not have the emotional, logistical or financial resources to make it happen on her own.

I will be speaking to the friend this evening on the phone and setting up a time when we can meet in person, confirm the pregnancy and plan what to do at that point. I will be bringing the parents in on the discussion at some point.

I am interested in any feedback wise women (and men, for MusicianDad) might be able to give me in dealing with this situation. Please no adoption or keeping the baby talk, it just isn't what she has chosen. Thanks in advance.
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post #2 of 64
2/6/10 at 5:22pm
Well, she's 13. Clearly a minor. Her parents need to know immediately, and ultimately, it is their decision how to proceed.

I would provide a safe space for the girl and parents to meet and discuss things, but you could be in serious legal trouble if you intervene (going to the doctor, procuring an abortion, etc.).

Poor girl...no 13-year-old should have to be making that choice...too young...

ETA: Just was thinking - if you haven't already, this would be a good time to buy condoms "just in case". If her friends are sexually active, there's a good possibility that things might be happening sooner than later in that particular group. Not necessarily, but I'd play it safe...

Good luck! I do not envy your situation right now! Hope the parents are kind to her...
post #3 of 64
2/6/10 at 5:30pm
I agree with the above poster as long as you determine that her house is safe and her parents or guardians are people who will be able to take care of her in this situation. (If there is any kind of abuse, substance abuse, etc. involving the parents then it is my opinion that you have every right to act in this child's best interest without the parent's involvement.) There are national abortion funds that could help out definitely if money is an issue. If you feel like she could use this just pm me your area and I can research and send you info on the agency that might be able to help.

Sad, but all too common situation. How amazing that your daughter feels comfortable coming to you with this.
post #4 of 64
2/6/10 at 5:36pm
Going to have to disagree with anjelike on bringing the parents in immediately and it being their decision on how to proceed.

It is the pregnant 13 year old's decision on how to proceed.

I wouldn't bring the parents in until you talk to the 13 year old though, because there could be a very good reason she doesn't want to tell them. I also wouldn't completely reject the possibility that what is in the best interest of the 13 may be not bringing her parents into the desicion, no matter how much that seems wrong it is a fact that parents can often ignore their childs best interest in favour of their own strict system of belief.

I would look into the legal side of things, but if you are in CA then I don't think there is any law that prohibits a minor from getting an abortion without parental consent.
post #5 of 64
2/6/10 at 5:49pm
Thread Starter 
I am grateful that my dd thought that I would be a safe person to tell. I am a high school teacher by profession so I have dealt with this issue before. This time it's different because I know the parents. I would never take the girl to the doctor or procure abortion services for her without her parents' permission. My plan is to confirm the pregnancy, help her tell her parents and then go from there.

The situation has given me the opportunity to have a long talk with my daughter; first to tell her that she did the right thing by telling me and that I was proud of her, and second to discuss the likelihood of her own sexual activity. Thankfully, this friend as two distinct and seperate peer groups, one of which is more advanced in this area and the other, which includes my daughter is more committed to waiting a LONG time. I will be getting my daughter some condoms, just in case, and I aksed her to tell me when she loses her virginity so I would be able to help keep her safe (no judgements.)

I feel really sad for this young girl; she has parents, actually three of them, who love her very much, and want the best for her. They are in an extreme state of denial about the depth of her problems though. She does have a therapist, with whom she has never connected. Perhaps a more appropriate therapist is in order as well.
post #6 of 64
2/6/10 at 5:54pm
i'm going to agree with MusicianDad on this one. there are so any details that just aren't known to us at this time.

i also commend what ever you are doing s a parent that this is something that is "comfortable" being talked about with you.
post #7 of 64
2/6/10 at 5:55pm
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by MusicianDad View Post
I also wouldn't completely reject the possibility that what is in the best interest of the 13 may be not bringing her parents into the desicion, no matter how much that seems wrong it is a fact that parents can often ignore their childs best interest in favour of their own strict system of belief.
I actually thought about this and one of my first questions to dd what she knew about the parents' feelings about abortion. Mother is not opposed in theory, which I took as a good sign that the girls wishes would be respected. If she had been philosophically opposed to abortion, I would have planned to seek legal advice before proceeding.
post #8 of 64
2/6/10 at 5:56pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by anjelika View Post
Well, she's 13. Clearly a minor. Her parents need to know immediately, and ultimately, it is their decision how to proceed.
This is NOT true. It is the 13 y.o. girls decision about whether to move forward with the pregnancy or not.
post #9 of 64
2/6/10 at 6:00pm
Thread Starter 
For MusicianDad, I have edited the OP to include "wise men." Ah, the colloquial is never perfect...
post #10 of 64
2/6/10 at 6:01pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by imagine21 View Post
I actually thought about this and one of my first questions to dd what she knew about the parents' feelings about abortion. Mother is not opposed in theory, which I took as a good sign that the girls wishes would be respected. If she had been philosophically opposed to abortion, I would have planned to seek legal advice before proceeding.
Then the next step is finding out about the parents from the 13 yo herself.

Also, just want to say that if it feels like a good thing to do. I would encourage the 13 year old to tell her parents herself instead of you bringing them into it. But offer a safe place for her to do it. If it doesn't appear to be a viable option, I would suggest bringing them into it somewhere outside their home. It can help provide a more level-headed response from the parents.
post #11 of 64
2/6/10 at 6:02pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by imagine21 View Post
For MusicianDad, I have edited the OP to include "wise men." Ah, the colloquial is never perfect...
I appreciate that.
post #12 of 64
2/6/10 at 6:03pm
BTW imagine, you are doing a great thing here. At 13 sometimes having even one adult on your side with no judgement can mean everything.
post #13 of 64
2/6/10 at 6:06pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by MusicianDad View Post
Then the next step is finding out about the parents from the 13 yo herself.
I agree. I would be very wary of being the one to tell them this. If the girl hasn't, there's a reason.

ITA with pps who say this is the girl's decision to make, and it sounds like she's made it. At this point, it's a matter of logistics.
post #14 of 64
2/6/10 at 6:07pm
I would definitely not contact the parents without the girl's expressed desire. Her body, her choice, not her parents decision.

I have a 13 yr old and a 16 yr old.
post #15 of 64
2/6/10 at 6:08pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by zinemama View Post
ITA with pps who say this is the girl's decision to make, and it sounds like she's made it. At this point, it's a matter of logistics.
Totally agree there. She has made her choice, now it's making sure she isn't going to have others trying to take that away.
post #16 of 64
2/6/10 at 6:12pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by thyra View Post
This is NOT true. It is the 13 y.o. girls decision about whether to move forward with the pregnancy or not.
Not in my state (PA) - one parent must consent, barring legal order or medical necessity.

I have to add - I'm floored at the lack of support for bringing the girl's parents into the loop. She could be making the decision under duress, or because she fears lack of financial support, or because she feels that she will be judged. Her parents could be her best allies - regardless of the choice made.

Yes - it's her body. But she is still a child who needs love and guidance...
post #17 of 64
2/6/10 at 6:15pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by anjelika View Post
Not in my state (PA) - one parent must consent, barring legal order or medical necessity.
Unfortunately not in my state either (IL). I am very against consent laws though because I think that people who are for consent laws take for granted that everyone has healthy, supportive parents or guardians.
post #18 of 64
2/6/10 at 6:21pm
And Imagine, I do give you credit for helping this girl, though I disagree with many of the other posters. You have a good heart. All the best to you...
post #19 of 64
2/6/10 at 6:26pm
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by thyra View Post
It is the 13 y.o. girls decision about whether to move forward with the pregnancy or not.
The girl is in California and we don't have a mandatory parental consent law. If we did, I would be helping her get a judicial bypass if that's what she wanted. Ultimately, I think that she wants her parents to know and help her; I'll know more in a few days.

In this case, I know the parents and they are reasonable, rational people. I have no doubts that they will deal with the situation in the same manner that I would if the tables were turned.

I do believe strongly that the girl has to consent for me to tell her parents. I would rather that she do it herself and I think that my experience dealing with teenagers has made me quite persuasive. I think she is fearful of disappointing them. Really, she is still just a child in so many ways and although she is dealing with an adult problem, she should have the support of her parents. I can't and don't want to replace them unless absolutely necessary.
post #20 of 64
2/6/10 at 6:31pm
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by anjelika View Post
And Imagine, I do give you credit for helping this girl, though I disagree with many of the other posters. You have a good heart. All the best to you...
Thank you for your support.

I think many of the previous posters agree but some assume the worst of the parents and some the best. If the girl's home situation was abusive, I would have no qualms about going this alone. Thankfully that isn't the case and the fears of a 13 y.o. need not be translated into an overreaction on my part. I think we can all work through this together.
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