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Pregnant 13 y.o. / UPDATE post 41 - Page 2

post #21 of 64
2/6/10 at 6:40pm
I can relate to the disappointment factor. I became unexpectedly pregnant at the age of 20 (unmarried and in college), decided to carry the pregnancy, and it was SO tough telling my parents. And I was a legal and financially independent adult!

At 13 though - any choice you make is going to be rough! It really is something she shouldn't have to deal with in middle school. I really can't fathom it, and my heart is breaking for her!

My hope is that this brings them (girl and family) closer. I worry about girls sexually active at 13 - there is often an element of coercion there - sometimes outright. If it is her choice to be sexually active, that is one thing, but often it is symptomatic of underlying pressures. I just hope she's not being hurt...

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post #22 of 64
2/6/10 at 6:47pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by anjelika View Post
I have to add - I'm floored at the lack of support for bringing the girl's parents into the loop. She could be making the decision under duress, or because she fears lack of financial support, or because she feels that she will be judged. Her parents could be her best allies - regardless of the choice made.
There was a case when I was a teen (30 years ago) when a minor sought an abortion and was denied because of parental consent laws her in state. The center notified her parents, and her father shot her. He was the father of her baby.

Assuming that all minors have parents who love them and want what’s best for them is naive.

I suspect that the 13 year old in this thread has been molested at some point (not necessarily when she got pregnant and not necessarily by her father, but at some point by someone).
post #23 of 64
2/6/10 at 7:57pm
I just don't assume anything about the parents. I know they could be the most wonderful and supportive parents in the world or they could be seriously controlling to the point of putting their child at risk. Basically, only bring the parents in if you are reasonably sure they aren't going to completely flip over the whole thing and take it out on their daughter.
post #24 of 64
2/6/10 at 7:58pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Linda on the move View Post
I suspect that the 13 year old in this thread has been molested at some point (not necessarily when she got pregnant and not necessarily by her father, but at some point by someone).
That is a pretty big assumption to make considering a good number of young teens have sex everyday without ever having been molested.
post #25 of 64
2/6/10 at 8:05pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by doulatara View Post
Unfortunately not in my state either (IL). I am very against consent laws though because I think that people who are for consent laws take for granted that everyone has healthy, supportive parents or guardians.
You (general- anyone in a state where one or both parents must "consent") might be surprised how easy it is to bypass that...provided the minor has a ride to the courthouse. There are even lawyers that help them go infront of the judge probono and the minor doesn't even have to use their real name. It takes all of 15 minutes (here)

To the OP. Good luck with how you procede. I'm glad this girl has a trusted adult (you) who can help her. And your daughter sounds like a really good friend
post #26 of 64
2/6/10 at 8:24pm
Do you know anything about the baby's father? I would be concerned she was sexually abused (perhaps even at home) or raped. This could be a police matter too.
post #27 of 64
2/6/10 at 9:09pm
Although I am not a mother I just wanted to say that you're doing a great job helping out this girl, and it's so awesome that your daughter thought to go to you.

I also wanted to add that there is the possibility of running into legal issues depending on who this girl had sex with. Depending on what the statutory rape laws in California are and the age of her sexual partner there could potentially be an issue of stautory rape. Also along those lines there also may be a requirement for an abortion provider (or any other person in the medical field that becomes involved with this) to report this to child protective services because of the girls age and possibility of statutory rape (not sure what the age of consent is in california).

I ran into this issue a couple of years ago, a casual acquantiance's younger sister, she was 12 at the time thought she was pregnant but had not tested because she lacked information and resources (actually both of them lacked information and resources about even the most basic mechanics of sex, but were still both sexually active at the ages of 16 and 12). Her family was not in a very good place to support her in any way so when he told me I went and picked them both up (with their parents knowledge and permission) and got her a pregnancy test. Luckily she was not pregnant but before I knew that I had done some research and found that there was not a lot I could do for her beyond get her a test and help her tell her parents. It sounds like this is exactly what you plan to do, so you probably don't need to hear it from me. Anyway, I'll thank you for all the young girls out there, if i had become pregnant at 13 I don't know who I would have gone to but it's comforting to know there are people out there to help these young girls now.
post #28 of 64
2/6/10 at 10:26pm
Thread Starter 
I don't know much about the father of the baby other than the parents are aware that the two are "dating" and that he is 14 years old. I not sure what kind of statuatory requirements there may be in California. I am reasonably sure that the girl has not be raped by the boy.
post #29 of 64
2/6/10 at 10:42pm
I agree with everything MusicianDad has said, as usual.
post #30 of 64
2/6/10 at 10:49pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Linda on the move View Post
I suspect that the 13 year old in this thread has been molested at some point (not necessarily when she got pregnant and not necessarily by her father, but at some point by someone).
I don't see how this could be a reasonable conclusion. Lots of children are sexually active at 13. Not that I condone it, but I know it is fairly common....would not say the majority of kids are having sex at this age but I can tell you many of my friends were sexually active at 14. I hear kids on the bus talking about having sex all the time that come from elementary schools which are K-8th grade. I have even heard 2 girls on my daughter's cheerleading squad talking about having sex and they are 6th graders. Sure, hearing them talking is different than actually knowing they are active, but it seemed from the conversation there was real intent.
post #31 of 64
2/6/10 at 10:58pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mandynee22 View Post
You (general- anyone in a state where one or both parents must "consent") might be surprised how easy it is to bypass that...provided the minor has a ride to the courthouse. There are even lawyers that help them go infront of the judge probono and the minor doesn't even have to use their real name. It takes all of 15 minutes (here)
Here the process is alot more intensive. I do not do the work personally but I have a few friends who work as advocates for minors seeking abortions and they have to do quite a bit to get through the hoops. Perhaps because it is a very new law in IL.

I, along with a friend who has also worked as a doula and midwife's assistant, are developing the curriculum for a program (and working on a funding resource that looks very promising) to train advocates as "abortion doulas". There is a program in NYC already established that is doing so currently. We are hoping we can really help all women, but especially young women who may have to seek court assistance to bypass the consent laws, to make sure they are taken care of by knowledgable adults.
post #32 of 64
2/6/10 at 11:04pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by imagine21 View Post
I don't know much about the father of the baby other than the parents are aware that the two are "dating" and that he is 14 years old. I not sure what kind of statuatory requirements there may be in California. I am reasonably sure that the girl has not be raped by the boy.
At 13 and 14 there shouldn't be any legal issues in California regarding age unless she admits to you that it was forced, but understand that they could technically both be prosecuted if some over-zealous law enforcement person gets involved.
post #33 of 64
2/7/10 at 1:41am
[QUOTE=doulatara;15036818]I don't see how this could be a reasonable conclusion. Lots of children are sexually active at 13.[QUOTE]

It's not a conclusion -- it's a suspicion. A large percentage of children who have consensual sex very young were first touched in inappropriate ways by adults. Being molested is linked to early sexual activity.

It doesn't mean that ALL 13 year old having sex have been molested, or that ALL molested children then choose to have consensual sex, but there is link.

I think it is something that should checked out.
post #34 of 64
2/7/10 at 1:29pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by pixiekisses View Post
I agree with everything MusicianDad has said, as usual.
Me too.

post #35 of 64
2/7/10 at 3:13pm
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by MusicianDad View Post
At 13 and 14 there shouldn't be any legal issues in California regarding age unless she admits to you that it was forced, but understand that they could technically both be prosecuted if some over-zealous law enforcement person gets involved.
Thanks for this. I don't expect an over zealous prosecutor.
post #36 of 64
2/7/10 at 5:09pm
i just wanted to point out that even children with sane and loving parents can be in a position where they don't feel able or willing to tell their parents about a situation like this. my parents are very loving and reasonably sane, but also very religious... the fight we had when they found out i was sexually active was the most painful thing i've ever gone through with them. if i'd gotten pregnant and been forced into telling them, i really don't know how they would have reacted to my decision to abort. i would like to hope that they would have respected my decision, but given their strong religious beliefs on the subject, there's a good possibility that they wouldn't have reacted reasonably at all. i don't think they would have kicked me out, but given my understanding of their beliefs, it's not a piece of information about my life that i would have felt comfortable sharing (especially BEFORE going through with the procedure) with them, and i would have felt completely betrayed if a trusted adult had tried to force me to tell them, or had gone behind my back to tell them.
post #37 of 64
2/8/10 at 8:04pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by MusicianDad View Post
That is a pretty big assumption to make considering a good number of young teens have sex everyday without ever having been molested.
Ah, but a lot of young teens are often coerced into sex by older partners pressuring them.
post #38 of 64
2/9/10 at 10:44am
I am glad the young girl has a supportive adult. Honestly sometimes someone other than the "parents" are the right guided in a childs life. Hard for us parents to accept but I always sort of hope that I have provided enough other adult relationships for my kids, especially my 13 yr old daughter, that she will have a trusted grown up to get her through any hard moments that I might not be the right person for.
I had a huge family of aunts and cousins and I cannot tell you how many times I went to one or another of my aunts instead of my mom. Now, I was and am very close with my mom and most of the time is was mom, but the moments I was really scared...sometimes it was my aunts. I think having other adults, besides just 2 parents, is a more natural and healthy way to raise children, we are just all good at different things.
I recently dealt with a 14 yr old pregnant girl, friend of my daughters, we slowly but surely worked up the courage to tell her mom, who took her somewhere to get an abortion and got her through it, by this time she was almost 3 months pregnant though....
post #39 of 64
2/9/10 at 5:23pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by philomom View Post
Ah, but a lot of young teens are often coerced into sex by older partners pressuring them.
But not this teenager so why is that even relevant in this situation?
post #40 of 64
2/12/10 at 6:00pm
Do you know for sure she is preg? Has she taken a test or does she just think she is preg?
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Mothering › Mothering Discussion Forums › Parenting › Ages and Stages › Preteens and Teens › Pregnant 13 y.o. / UPDATE post 41