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Pregnant 13 y.o. / UPDATE post 41 - Page 3

post #41 of 64
2/12/10 at 11:52pm
Thread Starter 

Update

Hi All,

I picked up the kid at school, took her home and watched as she took the pregnancy test; she is NOT pregnant, thankfully. I did have a long talk with her about her behavior, what is causing the behavior, her relationships with her parents and her peers, the risks, the lack of benefits for a 13 y.o., etc... She was not being coerced, but nonetheless, the behavior is of serious concern.

Obviously, the problems that this girl has are extensive. There was a great deal of crying and not enough opening up on her part. I told her that I would be calling her mother and suggesting a therapist. The conversation with the mother was difficult because I promised the kid that I wouldn't discuss the details of our talk. Mom clearly knows something is wrong, she took the name of the therapist and thanked me for being there. I will follow up next week with both of them.

On a side note, I really don't want my daughter spending time with this girl. DD is leaning towards that as well. I'm not sure how that is going to go over as time goes on, we'll see. My DD has lost respect for her friend and doesn't know how to handle that yet. I am VERY proud of my DD; she really assessed the situation well and did the right thing.
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post #42 of 64
2/13/10 at 12:12am
Sounds like you handled it beautifully.
post #43 of 64
2/13/10 at 12:41am
Quote:
Originally Posted by imagine21 View Post
Hi All,

I picked up the kid at school, took her home and watched as she took the pregnancy test; she is NOT pregnant, thankfully. I did have a long talk with her about her behavior, what is causing the behavior, her relationships with her parents and her peers, the risks, the lack of benefits for a 13 y.o., etc... She was not being coerced, but nonetheless, the behavior is of serious concern.

Obviously, the problems that this girl has are extensive. There was a great deal of crying and not enough opening up on her part. I told her that I would be calling her mother and suggesting a therapist. The conversation with the mother was difficult because I promised the kid that I wouldn't discuss the details of our talk. Mom clearly knows something is wrong, she took the name of the therapist and thanked me for being there. I will follow up next week with both of them.

On a side note, I really don't want my daughter spending time with this girl. DD is leaning towards that as well. I'm not sure how that is going to go over as time goes on, we'll see. My DD has lost respect for her friend and doesn't know how to handle that yet. I am VERY proud of my DD; she really assessed the situation well and did the right thing.

Sounds like you handled it well, hopefully the girl is able to get the help and support she needs.
post #44 of 64
2/13/10 at 12:47am
Not to much to say, other than this thread made me sad, to think of a 13yo dealing with all this on her own. And at least you were there to talk to her.
post #45 of 64
2/13/10 at 1:49am
Quote:
Originally Posted by imagine21 View Post
Hi All,

I picked up the kid at school, took her home and watched as she took the pregnancy test; she is NOT pregnant, thankfully. I did have a long talk with her about her behavior, what is causing the behavior, her relationships with her parents and her peers, the risks, the lack of benefits for a 13 y.o., etc... She was not being coerced, but nonetheless, the behavior is of serious concern.

Obviously, the problems that this girl has are extensive. There was a great deal of crying and not enough opening up on her part. I told her that I would be calling her mother and suggesting a therapist. The conversation with the mother was difficult because I promised the kid that I wouldn't discuss the details of our talk. Mom clearly knows something is wrong, she took the name of the therapist and thanked me for being there. I will follow up next week with both of them.

On a side note, I really don't want my daughter spending time with this girl. DD is leaning towards that as well. I'm not sure how that is going to go over as time goes on, we'll see. My DD has lost respect for her friend and doesn't know how to handle that yet. I am VERY proud of my DD; she really assessed the situation well and did the right thing.
You may be the person that can come alongside this girl and help her turn her life around... she needs an adult that she can trust... jmo.
post #46 of 64
2/13/10 at 2:46am
Personally I'd be furious with you if you knew "something" was wrong with my dd but wouldn't tell me what, exactly.
post #47 of 64
2/13/10 at 3:13am
Quote:
Originally Posted by A&A View Post
Personally I'd be furious with you if you knew "something" was wrong with my dd but wouldn't tell me what, exactly.
Coming from one that was once the troubled teen that told all of her secrets to a trusted adult that NEVER ONCE told my mother... it really was overall more important for me to have SOMEONE to trust than it was for my mother to know every detail of what was wrong.
post #48 of 64
2/13/10 at 1:13pm
post #49 of 64
2/13/10 at 7:30pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by imagine21 View Post
Obviously, the problems that this girl has are extensive. ... On a side note, I really don't want my daughter spending time with this girl. DD is leaning towards that as well.
I'm not suprised the girl has a lot of problems. I really don't think that emotionally healthy 13 year olds choose to have sex. I see it as out of the norm enough to be a huge red flag that something is seriously wrong.

Quote:
Originally Posted by A&A View Post
Personally I'd be furious with you if you knew "something" was wrong with my dd but wouldn't tell me what, exactly.
As a former troubled teen, I feel strongly that if a teen is having a problems and can't talk to their parent, it's most likely the parent's fault. Children come into this world wanting and needing to trust their parents and it's only when parents screw that up over and over and over that they kill it off.

Where we live, for a child to be therapy the parent must sign a statement saying that the counselor doesn't have to tell the parent everything. The child knows it, and it's part of establishing trust so the child *might* feel like they can tell someone what is going on.
post #50 of 64
2/13/10 at 8:05pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by A&A View Post
Personally I'd be furious with you if you knew "something" was wrong with my dd but wouldn't tell me what, exactly.
I would not really care if a troubled child's parent was furious with me. My concern would be for the kid, not his/her parent's ego.
post #51 of 64
2/16/10 at 2:27am
Quote:
Originally Posted by Linda on the move View Post
As a former troubled teen, I feel strongly that if a teen is having a problems and can't talk to their parent, it's most likely the parent's fault. Children come into this world wanting and needing to trust their parents and it's only when parents screw that up over and over and over that they kill it off.
Even perfectly good and loving parents can be hard to talk to sometimes
post #52 of 64
2/22/10 at 10:10pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by A&A View Post
Personally I'd be furious with you if you knew "something" was wrong with my dd but wouldn't tell me what, exactly.
Personally, I'd be hurt that my daughter didn't come to me but grateful that she had an adult she felt she could trust.
post #53 of 64
2/23/10 at 12:04am
Quote:
Originally Posted by tinyactsofcharity View Post
Coming from one that was once the troubled teen that told all of her secrets to a trusted adult that NEVER ONCE told my mother... it really was overall more important for me to have SOMEONE to trust than it was for my mother to know every detail of what was wrong.
This.
I've had a lot of problems in my life that probably would have been light years better if a high school counselor hadn't decided that blabbing to my mom was more important than me having someone I could trust to talk to. I learned my lesson at 15 - people who say they want to help me want to help me on their terms, no matter what it does to me. So, I can't trust them. So, I have nobody to talk to.

I would hope that someone who was going to betray someone's trust would be acting from a better motive than "oh, well - she's 13, so betraying her doesn't really matter".
post #54 of 64
2/23/10 at 12:07am
Quote:
Originally Posted by Linda on the move View Post
As a former troubled teen, I feel strongly that if a teen is having a problems and can't talk to their parent, it's most likely the parent's fault. Children come into this world wanting and needing to trust their parents and it's only when parents screw that up over and over and over that they kill it off.
Children can also feel strongly protective of my parents. I didn't want my counselor talking to my mom about my issues, because my mom was already dealing with three delinquent children, two invalid parents (she was their caregiver for 20+ years, starting before I was born) and an alcoholic, mostly absentee (aside from a paycheque), husband. And, looking back on it from the perspective of a quarter century...there wasn't a damned thing she could have done, except for worry, anyway.

Quote:
Where we live, for a child to be therapy the parent must sign a statement saying that the counselor doesn't have to tell the parent everything. The child knows it, and it's part of establishing trust so the child *might* feel like they can tell someone what is going on.
Good plan. I still wouldn't trust a counselor, but it would probably help some kids.
post #55 of 64
2/25/10 at 4:19pm
I am beyond stunned at the number of people who think the parents shouldn't be told. If I found out that one of my girls had been pregnant, got an abortion and that another adult knew about it but didn't see fit to tell me I would be livid! She is THIRTEEN, nowhere near adult age and still very much her parent's responsibility. I would talk to her but tell her that I had to tell her parents. Wow. Distrubed here on so many levels.

ETA: read the update. Glad you contacted the mother. I'm a little surprised at your daughter's plan to no longer be friends with this girl. If this girl is in trouble she needs all the help and support she can get.
post #56 of 64
2/25/10 at 5:26pm
Quote:
I'm a little surprised at your daughter's plan to no longer be friends with this girl. If this girl is in trouble she needs all the help and support she can get.
I really, really disagree with this and it comes from personal experience. It is never one child's job to bail out a friend who is making some really questionable choices. Never.
post #57 of 64
2/25/10 at 5:32pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by NiteNicole View Post
I really, really disagree with this and it comes from personal experience. It is never one child's job to bail out a friend who is making some really questionable choices. Never.
I didn't say anything about "bailing" anyone out. It's called compassion. It's called being a real friend. If it was your child who was in a similar position you would not want all their friends to abandon them. Maybe it's just how I teach my kids - there but for the grace of God go I. The shoe could be on the other foot someday, so treat people how you would want to be treated.
post #58 of 64
2/25/10 at 5:40pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Heavenly View Post
ETA: read the update. Glad you contacted the mother. I'm a little surprised at your daughter's plan to no longer be friends with this girl. If this girl is in trouble she needs all the help and support she can get.
I disagree with this too.

I think its reasonable for a child to decline to be a source of support for a person who stresses her out and involves her in issues that she doesn't feel ready or able to deal with. I can see how that sucks from the other side, but it's an appropriate and reasonable choice for a person to make.

Staying friends would also be an appropriate and reasonable choice, if that's what the OP's DD wanted to do, but if she doesn't want to, she shouldn't be encouraged to invest energy in the relationship in the name of compassion.

I'm an adult, with a ton of resources, and even I have limits. I've let friendships drop because the people involved were too needy and the relationship required more than I had available to give.
post #59 of 64
2/25/10 at 6:02pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Heavenly View Post
I didn't say anything about "bailing" anyone out. It's called compassion. It's called being a real friend. If it was your child who was in a similar position you would not want all their friends to abandon them. Maybe it's just how I teach my kids - there but for the grace of God go I. The shoe could be on the other foot someday, so treat people how you would want to be treated.
Having been the kid with the friend who was way, way too much for me to deal with, I really wish an adult (like one of my parents) would've seen that I needed someone to bail ME out of a really one-sided "friendship" with someone who had no intention of ever trying to help herself. Why should she when whe had me to bail her out. I thought I was "being a good friend" but in reality, I was 13 and someone else should've been handling all that at ALL.

REAL FRIENDSHIP is not one sided.
post #60 of 64
2/26/10 at 2:23pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by doulatara View Post
Here the process is alot more intensive. I do not do the work personally but I have a few friends who work as advocates for minors seeking abortions and they have to do quite a bit to get through the hoops. Perhaps because it is a very new law in IL.

I, along with a friend who has also worked as a doula and midwife's assistant, are developing the curriculum for a program (and working on a funding resource that looks very promising) to train advocates as "abortion doulas". There is a program in NYC already established that is doing so currently. We are hoping we can really help all women, but especially young women who may have to seek court assistance to bypass the consent laws, to make sure they are taken care of by knowledgable adults.
Awesome!!! I wish I had had that. I had one at 18, I was in college, abusive boyfriend, afraid to tell my parents. It was a horrible experience and I wish I had had someone to help me through it.

On the abuse issue in general, I think there are a lot of gray areas, inappropriate talk/behavior exposure that influence kids. I don't know by how much as I myself was abused at too young of an age to gauge, but it doesn't take flat out contact to mess with a kid's head about what's healthy and normal. That said, I think it is healthy and normal to have sexual desire at a young age due to physical maturity and my hope is that my kids continue to trust me enough to lean on me for guidance. I have a ton of books available, we read them together. I do my best to extinguish shame and embarrassment when I see it and help them see other perceptions. I also don't hide my affection with my partner in front of them, we kiss and hug and *very* mildly flirt in front of them, but keep everything else in the bedroom. They have walked in a few times (they seem to be unable to adopt the concept of knocking) we keep sheets on though so I just say we're loving each other, but I want them to as much as possible see a normal healthy relationship so that when they are ready to explore they have seen a good example.

I didn't mean to go so off topic.

I really hope everything turns out safe and supported for her. YOu are doing a wonderful thing for her.
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