How to deal with kids wanting stuff (materialism)

[TonyaW]

I want to get some opinions on how to deal with this, since I am not exactly sure how to deal with it. My son is a little over 3 years old. He really loves certain kinds of toys and when we go to the store, he sees something he really wants, like today a monster truck. All he can talk about is getting a new monster truck. Ok, so he gets some of this from his dad, and even though I have talked to his dad about the negatives instilling materialism into our son, nothing has changed. How do I explain to a 3 year old we can't get everything we want. I hvae tried to explain that other kids don't have toys and that we don't need more and that we need to save some of our money to help others who don't have much. That still doesn't take away the constant asking for a particular toy. I know some of this is an age thing, but i don't know how to instill in my son that we can't have everything we want and I don't want him to be so materialistic as he gets older. My husband has bought a stash of toys that he gives him something rather frequently. I told him when he gets a new toy, that we have to pick some to donate. We have done that once, and I then I forgot to do it the last few times. I have to remember that. However, I don't want him to think that he can have a new toy every time he decides to get rid of some.

My husband is the type of man who values what he wants, upgrades frequently and considers the wants of others, if he doesn't agree, to be wasteful. This has really impacted our family and I can see that it is affected my son's outlook on life. I consider my husband to be very materialistic and I don't know how to instill the proper values in my son when I am dealing with my husband who instills values that I find wrong.

[Drummer's Wife]

I do think at 3, it's normal to want new toys like your DS does. No advice, other than just not giving in to every demand (obviously) and maybe to encourage your DS to donate some of the toys he has that he no longer plays with to children who don't have as much? Not sure if that helps from the materialism aspect, but it's what we are doing (mainly b/c we have 4 kids and way too many toys).

ETA: Does your DH understand your feelings about all this? Maybe there is some sort of compromise you two can come to, so that it's not something for either one of you to be resentful about.

[AbbieB]

First, you and your DH need to talk about this and get on the same page.

Second, I do not think that anything you described about your child makes him materialistic. Just a typical 3 year old. He is not old enough to really even understand all of the complex issues that go into materialism.

Just keep setting limits and not giving in to his every demand for a new toy and I think you will be fine.

I also don't think that Daddy pulling out a new toy every once in awhile is a bad thing. In our house, DH works a lot and does not have a lot of time with the kids. He will once in awhile bring home a surprise for one of the kids (new Lego thing to build, coloring book, animal figurines, etc...) and spend time playing with them. It's really nice to watch them sharing that time together in a positive way.

Some folks express themselves with stuff. In my DH's family, love was always shown in a materialistic way. DH struggles with this personally (since his parents still seem to show love with stuff or money gifts rather than any kind of quality interaction) and he is often is at a loss for how to best show his love for his kids in a different way. It's a learning process for him. It's not something that I can magically change about him.

[TonyaW]

I know some this is about his age. However, I just wonder about how to handle it so as to produce a good outcome as he gets older. I don't know how to respond when he begs and begs and begs and then says lets donate my toys so I can get a new one.

I am not talking about DH giving a toy once in a while, I am talking about 3 new toys a week. Dad is around a lot since he works from home. Dad likes to shops on slick deals.net and whenever he sees a good deals buys it. So then we have a stock pile of unneeded stuff which results in my son getting stuff many times a week which I know isn't good for him. I have tried talking to my husband to get on the same page, but it is pointless. I just want to know how to respond in such away so my son develops good character about things as he gets older. I know that right now his age is the issue, but I still want to respond well.

[emmaegbert]

sounds tough- but like a little more extreme version of what I deal with- my DH is obsessed with comics and toys and such. Here are some quick thoughts I have on this...

I would say, strict limits on what can be "out" might help- like have a designated number of baskets on a shelf, or whatever toy organizing system you use, and that is all the toys in active rotation. Then keep the rest in boxes in a closet where he doesn't see them. When he gets a new thing, it replaces something else that is out. Then, after a month or 2, you can probably sell/donate stuff that hasn't been out or asked for.

I also have our son go through his things and pack a box or bag of stuff to donate from time to time, also we frequently give hand-me-downs to younger friends. I keep it pretty simple in terms of explanations, and he's 5. I think you can't really expect a 3yo to have a very good understanding of the issues, but in addition to limits you can model by also getting rid of clothes, kitchen things, whatever stuff is "yours" and explaining that its too much stuff, and you want to give it to someone who needs it.

As much as possible, I keep my son away from stores where there is a lot of stuff for him to want. Its not always possible. But limiting exposure does help with the nagging! We also do no screen time, no clothing, books, food packages, etc with cross-marketing... basically, I am trying to keep commercial marketing aimed at children out of the house. I explain that when a juicebox has Dora on it or whatever that it doesn't have anything to do with what is inside, but people just put pictures on things to make kids want to buy them.

One last thing I read about in that "How to Talk so Kids Will Listen" book where you can validate their wishes in fantasy. This works better now as our son gets older, but you can be like, "oh that would be fun, what would you do with a Monster Truck" or otherwise just acknowledge his admiration of the object without promising to get him one.

GL. Sounds like you and DH might benefit from some work to help get you on the same page... your son will learn who to go to for stuff and how to play you guys off eachother!

[meemee]

dont think of this so much. the main thing that matters is not what you do with him - but how you live your life.

dont try to instill too much - you might turn him the other way. you cannot force to donate. you want them to come from within. so do more 'thinking', talking, showing when he is older rather than forcing him to do tasks.

i didnt do any of that with my dd. however whenever she was old enough and whenever our volunteer agencies allowed us i took my dd to everything that i do. so today dd at 7 has her own sense of materialism - that comes from within.

there are many things we can directly teach. there are some we cannot. some of those are things we do and show our children.

i think sometimes as parents we see the world around us and want to rush in and show them the way. with my dd i find the best teachable moments are when she observes adn asks me questions.

3 is a little too young for you to start doing things. i see nothing wrong with your dh giving your son toys. i do the same with my dd. i dont blame her for having the 'i want' 'i want' situation. heck i am in that too. but its controlling those urges and making an educated reasoning of whether to get it or not - will come with time.

dont worry the time is coming soon. i notice 5 is the age they realise the world does not revolve around them and they struggle thru a period thru that. till they realise that is life. they dont need to learn at 3 what life is.

[One_Girl]

I think it is normal for kids to want things they can't have. Does he go shopping with you? If so he sees you getting things all the time, they are things that you need to live like food and drinks at least and possibly other little splurges on occasion, but to a young child you are getting what you want and he doesn't get what he wants. Just because you explain something (like the importance of food) doesn't mean that your child understands or agrees with you. I think you will just have to find a way to be strong, keep explaining, and not give in to buying things you don't want your son to have. Hopefully you and your husband can reach a compromise on this issue, but keep parenting the way you feel is right if you can't.

[Surfacing]

To deal with the consumerist wishes we started a list on the kitchen wall entitled "Dd1's Wish List". That's where I write stuff that she says she wants and tell her that it's not a promise list, but it's an "I would like" list. Some of it she'll get for birthdays and Christmas, and some she may never get. We'll just have to see.

Quite matter of factly, we've had to teach that no, we can't always get what we want.

[JL83]

My DD is 3. We've been having good luck with 3 tactics.

1) When she says "I really want those Dora sticker" we empathize with her. "Those are pretty cool aren't they" and "They'd be fun to have." And then we move on and distract. If she keeps bringing them up we keep talking about why she likes them and let her know that we know she wants them "You'd really like them".

2) We let her see us want stuff. "Ooooohhhhh, this baby dress is really cute. But it's expensive and we don't need it. I wish we could buy it though." DH will take her out for some daddy/daughter time and they'll often stop buy a favorite store of his and he just looks an doesn't buy anything. But he'll tell her about what he's dreaming about. (He likes to make his own electronics and stuff, so he has projects in his head like lights that change color and stuff)

3) I don't know why this works, but we make sure not to pick things up that we aren't buying. We tell her to "touch with your eyes" and make sure that we do the same. It helps her not pick things up and if she doesn't pick it up she wants it less. Of course, we do let her pick things up when we go to the store to look. But if we're just shopping then none of us pick up things unless they are going in the cart or we're going to buy it.

[Bokonon]

When we are out shopping and DS says that he wants something, I just say no. If he really presses it, I say maybe he can have it for his birthday. He inevitably forgets about it or moves on to something else.

For Christmas the only thing he asked for was a Superman cape. And he's NEVER worn it.

I think making a big deal out of it when they want a new toy just makes it that much harder to let it go. At this age, they think they want everything.

[eepster]

I really don't believe in tying getting new toys to getting rid of old toys (whether that involves garage sales, donation or throwing them out) for a variety of reasons.

First I believe it promotes a disposable attitude. The very subtle difference between donating to charity and throwing out is kind of lost at this age anyway.

It makes giving into just another way to get something. I feel giving should be a simple act of generosity in it's purest state. For example, at b-day party, the host does not check to make sure they got a present from a guest before giving a favor and the guest does not check to make sure the favors are nice before giving a gift. The other day when I gave money to a homeless person, I didn't get anything from it except a "thank you" and "god bless."

It discourages forming strong attachments to his toys and a desire to care for them. If they aren't going to be kept for very long, why not just play roughly and break them.


When DS sees something he wants that I don't plan to buy, I will take a few different approaches (depending on my mood, how he asked, what we were doing, etc.) Sometimes I just admire the item in question with him. Sometimes we put it on his christmas or b-day list. Sometimes I talk about the XYZ thing we saw earlier that I had wanted, but didn't get.

[Bokonon]

Originally Posted by eepster

I really don't believe in tying getting new toys to getting rid of old toys (whether that involves garage sales, donation or throwing them out) for a variety of reasons.

First I believe it promotes a disposable attitude. The very subtle difference between donating to charity and throwing out is kind of lost at this age anyway.

It makes giving into just another way to get something. I feel giving should be a simple act of generosity in it's purest state. For example, at b-day party, the host does not check to make sure they got a present from a guest before giving a favor and the guest does not check to make sure the favors are nice before giving a gift. The other day when I gave money to a homeless person, I didn't get anything from it except a "thank you" and "god bless."

It discourages forming strong attachments to his toys and a desire to care for them. If they aren't going to be kept for very long, why not just play roughly and break them.


When DS sees something he wants that I don't plan to buy, I will take a few different approaches (depending on my mood, how he asked, what we were doing, etc.) Sometimes I just admire the item in question with him. Sometimes we put it on his christmas or b-day list. Sometimes I talk about the XYZ thing we saw earlier that I had wanted, but didn't get.

We actually donated many more toys before Christmas than DS got for Christmas. We talked about what donating means, and went through all his toys and was very agreeable to donating more than I ever thought he would! There was no reward other than the pride he felt at seeing the boxes filled with toys that would go to other kids.

[honeybunmom]

DD is now 4. I know I've bought her too many things in the past and have been trying to rectify that since before Christmas. And I order a fair amount, so, she sees boxes/packages arriving at the house and complains that she "never gets anything!!!!" Which, of course, is not true. However, what has worked when we are out and about is to tell her she has to make choices. I actually say "we". If I've allowed 1 item - no matter the cost as I know she is too young to understand that - I'll remind her that she has chosen an item and she may still have 1 item, but, she has to choose. Often times she'll say, "Oh, I don't want that" and we're done.

Ok, that was fine. But, the requests have escalated and she's dropping her nap, so, shopping with her can really suck. What is helping now is to show her my list before we leave. Stress that we are only shopping from the list. If it is not on the list, we are not getting it. We are shopping for groceries, not for toys. We have toys. We had a great outing yesterday. I went into Michaels for a few items and shopped from the $1.00 bin. Which was 50% off. I picked up a few items to have on hand for some of the swaps I do. Dd wanted one of them. I allowed it - and she later drew awesome pictures on this little pad/scrabook notebook. There were a few more requests. I reminded her that she had something and she was fine.

Then, I've started something new with her when she goes to bed. I ask her what was her favorite part of the day and then tell her something positive about what I observed about her that day. I told her I was very proud of her for not asking for tons of items yesterday and that she was very well behaved in the stores. Hopefully, we'll get some mileage out of that type of positive reinforcement.