lying

[italiancookies]

please please help me with my constantly lying 5 1/2 yr old. she lies ALL the time about EVERYTHING for know reason at all! Im at my wits end with her behaivior and have reacted in wayts that im not proud of on a few occassions. I dont want her to stop b/c she fears me. not that thats woreking anyway! I have tried a reward system with marbles- doesnt help, time outs, doesnt helpo, remove toys/ privelages- doesnt help, spanked or yelled a few times and im not proud of it- doesnt help.

she lies about the sillyest most unnesery things not even things that would make me upset.

[Materfamilias]

I think it's a developmental thing. She's kind of young to get that she's lying IMO. See if you can help her distinguish between being creative and lying by letting her tell stories. Find ways she can take what's happening and embellish.

Also don't set her up by asking questions you already know the answer to.

[italiancookies]

thats a good point about the question thing.

she lies about things like did you brush your teeth to telling me the phone is ringing or saying that her brother dod something that theres no way he could have done (turn on the light for ex and hes 1 so hes too short!) or that i ask her to put away her hair bows and she finnally admoted that all along when i ask her to put them away she throws them out instead! or if theres say a fuz or dirt on the floor i pick it up and if i ask her to throw it out she walks away throws is on the floor and then opens/closes the trash so i think shes doing it. WTH that takes just as much energy!!!

[ErinYay]

As stated, a LOT of it is 100% normal, needed development. Part of it may be attention seeking, esp the stuff about the phone ringing, etc. Part of it may be due to her playing the odds- I threw my hairbows out. I will be punished for it, or I can lie and MAYBE get away with it.

I was a terrible liar as a child, because my mom was very punitive with me; I was punished for every tiny thing, so it made perfect sense to lie and maybe not get caught. Even if I was caught, I didn't care, because I was so used to getting punished that it didn't matter.

I would reevaluate how you punish her, and for what things you punish. If, for example, she gets a time out for spilling her milk (an accident), a time out for not picking up her toys (developmentally normal but annoying), a time out for pouring hot sauce on the baby after being told not to(dangerous disobedience), and a time out for lying, that punishment stops meaning anything.

You may want to look into natural and logical consequences. She throws out her hairbows? The natural consequence is that her hair is messy. The logical consequence is that she help earn the money to buy new ones.

In addition, playful parenting may help, too. Her: "Little brother just turned the light on!" You: "Well I just flew to the moon and back!"

[MrsH]

Our eldest has started doing that too and you're right, it's so infuriating! Developmentally appropriate but still hard. We've been trying a multi-pronged approach lately:

• We reigned in her level of responsibility a tad. Her issue has been primarily around handwashing (she'd fake it) and so now she has to do it with us watching for a week. For toothbrushing, the second issue, we're following the brushing up with the inspector hector plaque detector. Instead of moving through her getting ready routines independently and then playing, she has to do it with me (who is also getting the baby and little brother ready), and she'll probably not have time to play afterwards.
• We're adding in some educational approaches here. I took her to the library and we found books around lying/honesty, germs, and dental health. We're reading these books now and will watch tv again after they're finished and discussed. This has the dual benefit that it increases the positive attention she gets from us
• We're starting a weekly family meeting during dinner so that we can discuss recurring issues that don't get resolved in the moment. For example, she always protests about washing her hands and we usually have a "I don't want to hear it" response b/c everything is so hectic and, well, at that moment we don't want to hear it! But that has left her wtih nowhere to take her "grievances" and we hope to establish a positive place where we can problem solve together
• We're also wanting to really avoid in any way labeling her as a liar, and instead making sure she hears the message that we know she is an honest person, who can be trustworthy, etc

Good luck with your daughter!