Was my reaction appropriate

[Shy0717]

DS' father has not been very involved in his life (he's 7 months). He is basically a visitor that comes every 2 ish months to say hey and play with ds for 2 ish hours then he leaves. Mind you, he lives 2 hours away. When we were together he was down here every weekend with no problems but has been unable to make that kind of time for his son. We had a lot of problems early on with him coming and going as he pleased and saying he was going to visit and just plain not showing up. After that all happened I decided we needed to come up with a predictable visitation schedule. We both agreed that the 1st and 3rd weekends of the month would work best for him because they fell around his pay period. He was totally on board with this schedule. We agreed to this the 1st weekend in November and the last visit he made was the 1st weekend in December. He rarely calls or emails me to see how ds is and if he does its usually a shallow attempt to somehow impress me with whatever is going on in his life or to get a reaction out of me (all failed attempts). I spent the first 5 months of ds life chasing after him trying to involve him in every little thing that ds did (if he rolled over I sent video, called him after every doc appt, etc). When I stopped doing all of the calling that pretty much ended the majority of the contact with the ex. I figured if he wanted to know about his son he would call. Fast forward to this weekend. He decided that he'd like to come visit ds next weekend (which is not the 1st weekend of the month). He hadn't bothered to send him a Christmas present or even come up to spend time with him during his first christmas even though I offered. Not a word from him in the past 2 months and I'm supposed to drop everything and accomodate him. I told him that it would work better if he stuck to the schedule of 1st and 3rd because I work primarily nights and weekends and it would completely uproot everything if he came next weekend. He seemed peeved about it but I shouldn't have to rearrange ds and I's life because he's decided he wants to visit all of a sudden. Was this appropriate?? I just feel like I have given so much as far as trying to keep him involved in ds life and stay positive about our interactions that I've allowed us to be taken advantage of in a certain sense. What do you all think??

[Theia]

I think so. But I don't have experience co-parenting with DD's father. I think making him stick to the schedule is good. Otherwise you would be at his mercy for whenever he got a wild hair up his hiney. If he is truly interested he would find a way to make it work with the schedule he agreed to.

[La Sombra]

Totally reasonable reaction!

My situation is not exactly the same as yours but I spent the first little while of our separation trying so hard to be accommodating to STBX and doing everything to give him total access to dd and boy did he ever take advantage. All my flexibility did was let him walk all over me and come and go in her life exactly as he pleased, when it suited him whether or not it was convenient for me.

I finally woke up to that fact and realized that having a set schedule was the most fair thing to both of us. As the primary caregiver, I am constantly living my life according to my obligations to dd (I can't decide to go out drinking one evening instead of taking care of her, for instance) so why can't he do the same?

I had to deal with a little guilt (residual co-dependency issues!) being firm on this but I think that it is the most fair situation for everyone involved and now I don't feel resentful all the time.

Likewise, you have every right to expect a regular schedule and he is a big boy and is perfectly capable of sticking to it. If not, that's HIS problem, not yours!!!