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Feelings about your birth team

post #1 of 5
Thread Starter 
So, long story short, I had a classic homebirth FTP turned c/s with infection and week long hospital stay. It sucked. DS was posterior, 11 lbs, 3 weeks past due, severe shoulder dystocia during c/s("worst I've ever seen" said by both midwife and OB). He and I both were perfect and healthy post birth and I love that, but, well, guess I don't need to tell you ladies .

I've processed a lot of it, but of course, being pregnant again is a wee bit of a trigger as I think about our final and upcoming birth. I'm 20 weeks.

We are planning a HBAC with the same(well, one, it was a team before, one is retired. Sucks because they were, literally, the perfect team for DH and I) midwife from before. As the pregnancy progresses, its seeming that we are ALL traumatized to some degree from my birth. My midwife was supposedly yelled at by otherwise cool OB after birth for letting a seemingly, but not, diabetic baby go that long. My DH...well, he checked out for a bit, but came through in the end, but he's scared to go through, what for him, was a REALLY tough emotional battle. It was an insane and unexpected experience for all of us after what was, otherwise, a really healthy and easy pregnancy.

And I find myself walking that fine line between realizing that, no matter what, this HBAC journey is in MY hands and that I am the only one who can birth this baby, and also really want to depend on others when I need to and know that they will be what I need them to be. I feel all mixed up between the two. And meanwhile, birth team, to me at least, seems to be unsure and scared and only kinda able to tell me they think I can do it. Maybe thats coming from my trauma, but they have both admitted that its messed with them and its hard.

Sigh. I just want to be at peace with them and myself on this. I feel strong and confident, and know this is up to me, but want to feel like they know it to, especially when I get weak and scared.

Suggestions? Thoughts? TIA!
post #2 of 5
Wow, this post is really interesting. I also transferred to a hospital, but from a birth center. I did fully dialate but my son was in a poor position and I was unable to push him out.

My DP are planning to start TTC and we have had arguments already over providers, specifically our MW. She flat out refuses to even consider using our prior MW, she won't "allow" it for various "reasons". My transfer and section was traumatic for me and my partner. I don't know if it was traumatic for my MW, that's not a conversation we ever had (one of many I would perhaps like to have but that's something else entirely), but we pretty much had a falling out while I was dealing with PTSD and PPD following the traumatic birth. Like you, I felt like between my MW and doula, we had the perfect team for us.

I think it's one thing entirely for your trauma to effect your pregnancy and birth, but it's another thing entirely if you providers are not thinking this is a possible scenario. I guess I look at it this way, you hire them to help you through the birth, which includes using their professional judgment to determine if more care is needed by way of a transport to a hospital. If they're going into it with reservations or thoughts that you can't do this, their judgment is going to be clouded by those feelings -- self-fulfilling prophecies.

On the one hand, I can see where having the same team would be an empowering, triumphant, and incredibly healing experience, but you need to think about how their negatives thoughts and own personal trauma over your birth is going to effect YOU when you're weak and scared. Is it possible for you to interview other providers just in case you decide later that their trauma is too much for you to take on? If you're comfortable where you are now, then stick with it, but don't be afraid to jump ships later if you're not feeling comfortable. Me, personally, I would rather birth with someone I don't know or only met once or twice, than someone I know who thinks that I can't do it.
post #3 of 5
Thread Starter 
Thanks, Dana. I have done a lot of thinking about switching providers. I'm giving MW 2 more prenatals to see how things go and let her respond to some of my issues face to face.
But DH is another thing entirely. I've admitted to him that part of me just wants to go to the bedroom, close the door, and do this all myself, but its his kid too, and he'd really like to be there and see the birth(ideally, catch the baby). I can't deny him that. That is the experience he's wanted from the get go. HB was his idea to begin with.

Part, of so much of this, is me. I know it is. I just get all pragmatic and protective when people let me down. The previous birth we were all EXHAUSTED and people just weren't able to give me as much as I needed, despite trying. So I look at it this time and often think, "Well, lets just make this easy for everyone and have no one there with me, that way I am not disappointed and no one has to feel weird." But I'm not entirely comfortable with that either, because they were, at times, really helpful last birth, and I know are capable.

MW moved our prenatal this week to tomorrow. I'll see how that goes. We've talked a bit about some of this on the phone and it will be interesting to see how things go face to face. DH and I had a pretty emotional talk yesterday that I don't think is done. Maybe we all just need to process a bit more.
post #4 of 5
Originally Posted by sharr610 View Post
I've admitted to him that part of me just wants to go to the bedroom, close the door, and do this all myself
I think that's an entirely normal reaction for a traumatic birth like yours. I know that I have those moments -- can't I just crawl into a dark closet, make a nest out of some old clothes and birth my baby alone and in safety? I think part of that might be hardwired in us, which is why the hospital was so stressful and anxiety-provoking for me anyway.

Originally Posted by sharr610 View Post
I just get all pragmatic and protective when people let me down.
Right there with you on that.

I hope you all are able to process and come to a resolution or a happy place. Lots of positive thoughts your way for an uneventful rest of your pregnancy and a easy and peaceful birth.
post #5 of 5
My second son's birth became traumatic in the last hour and he died after his delivery. What we learned after his death made it impossible for us to use our birth team for my third pregnancy.

So, I found a doc and perinatologist we both felt good with. About half way through my third pregnancy I realized I had PTSD and needed help so we found a counselor. She, too, had suffered the loss of her son so it was a great connection. By the time I delivered I was ready emotionally. Our OB knew my fears and she was fantastic.

If you can't find peace on your own consider talking to someone and take your partner with you. It can really help.

Best wishes.
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