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Sex and co-sleeping

post #1 of 24
2/7/10 at 12:26pm
Thread Starter 
My DH and I LOVE co-sleeping with our 2 months old DD, our first child. But we have no idea how to start having sex again. Part of the problem is that she also does not like to be put down at all during the day, so either DH or I are holding her except for intervals of a few minutes when we are desperately doing other things (like putting on clothes or showering).

How do you DTD with a 2 month old baby who almost never wants to be put down and sleeps in the bed with you? Not just sleeps in the bed, but likes to be cuddled up to one of you.

I've thought about lulling her to bed and then scooting over to the other side of the bed (we have a thin, hard mattress on the floor) and proceeding. Of course by the end of the day I pass out the minute I get into bed...

How do you manage to still have sex after babies and while co-sleeping?
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post #2 of 24
2/7/10 at 12:32pm
It's tough the first few months!
Do you guys have a swing for your LO or a bouncy seat? You could always put your DD in the swing. At that age, I wouldn't feel weird doing it on the floor in the same room, or on the couch if you didn't want to leave her in a separate room. Or maybe I'm just weird.
It does get a little easier as they get a little older and can be left on their own to play. Don't worry! You guys will get to DTD more regularly again.
If she's napping on the bed, surround her w/pillows, put the monitor on and you and DH head out to the living room or the guest room.
You know what they say...cosleepers do it in the kitchen! (or the couch...or the floor...)
post #3 of 24
2/7/10 at 12:40pm
I have to LOL at the PP about cosleepers do it in the kitchen...

We've had DD roll her way towards us and we've had to pause and roll her back away. We surround her with a huge comforter so that she feels like she has warmth and someone near her.

It does get easier as they get older... But even now, we create a little 'nook' for her and make sure she feels supported and she sleeps through us about 95% of the time... Obviously co-sleeping hasn't hindered our sex life since we are currently baking baby #3 that was totally unplanned, lol.

And yeah there have been times it's been done elsewhere... And yeah, you get interupted sometimes... but that happens (IMO) whether you co-sleep or not because kids have the darndest timing!
post #4 of 24
2/7/10 at 1:27pm
We've been living room escapaders for several years now

As our little ones get older and sleep for longer stretches, we would take the monitor into the bathroom and have a night-time shower. DD was conceived in a closet!

I agree that it will get easier as your LO gets older, hang in there
post #5 of 24
2/7/10 at 11:34pm
Honestly I don't know how people manage to have kids spaced less than about 15 months apart because I just could not figure out sex in the first six months. Even after that it was challenging. After the babe gets more settled you go find another place in the house. At two months I wasn't even interested so I don't have a lot of advice there. Good luck.

(PS- leaving your kid alone in the bed while you run off does not make you a bad parent. Just sayin')
post #6 of 24
2/8/10 at 12:08am
Quote:
Originally Posted by Tattooed Hand View Post
My DH and I LOVE co-sleeping with our 2 months old DD, our first child. But we have no idea how to start having sex again. Part of the problem is that she also does not like to be put down at all during the day, so either DH or I are holding her except for intervals of a few minutes when we are desperately doing other things (like putting on clothes or showering).

How do you DTD with a 2 month old baby who almost never wants to be put down and sleeps in the bed with you? Not just sleeps in the bed, but likes to be cuddled up to one of you.

I've thought about lulling her to bed and then scooting over to the other side of the bed (we have a thin, hard mattress on the floor) and proceeding. Of course by the end of the day I pass out the minute I get into bed...

How do you manage to still have sex after babies and while co-sleeping?
WOW! I have NO idea but I was NO WHERE near ready for that when ds was only two months old! I'm jealous of you majorly!!!!! I think the first time we tried he was like 5 months old and it was so incredibly painful we stopped after like 2 minutes. I don't think we REAALLLLY dtd again until he was like 11 months old and I didn't start enjoying it again until he was like 18 months old.

I had a pretty traumatic birth though. You are a lucky gal!
post #7 of 24
2/8/10 at 12:10pm
Thread Starter 
I am sorry you had a traumatic birth! I had a good birth, though I had 2 stiches at the top. I am lucky that DH doesn't pressure me in the least, but I am starting to think about it again and be less dry down there (this better not mean I am about to get period).

I'll see if I can scoot her over and try during an early evening nap. right after he gets home from work. no way I'll have energy at bedtime and DD is a voracious am eater.

I am fully prepared for it to not be fun but I hope it will get better after a few times and maybe some creative pre-activities...
post #8 of 24
2/8/10 at 1:24pm
I'm also 8 weeks PP, and must derail the convo to say this:

(ug, this is soooo TMI...)

even if you feel more moist externally, I cannot recommend using a lubricant enough. The low estrogen levels can cause internal dryness, totally unrelated to your arousal level, and a good lube REALLY helps.
post #9 of 24
2/8/10 at 8:59pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Baby_Cakes View Post
You know what they say...cosleepers do it in the kitchen! (or the couch...or the floor...)
We tried that once!

OP - I too am impressed at your trying to work out the details of DTD at two months in. Kudos to you and DH! IME, if the will is there, then you'll find some way to make the space and time. Early on for me, the will was non-existent (and for some time to come). It's funny how many excuses I could come up with to avoid sex during the time when I just wasn't up for things way back when... they are all the same things we deal with now save for one small detail: my sex drive returned. Funny how all those obstacles to spending intimate time with DH are now somehow much more easily overcome when once, they seemed insurmountable.

Quote:
Originally Posted by hollytheteacher
WOW! I have NO idea but I was NO WHERE near ready for that when ds was only two months old! I'm jealous of you majorly!!!!! I think the first time we tried he was like 5 months old and it was so incredibly painful we stopped after like 2 minutes. I don't think we REAALLLLY dtd again until he was like 11 months old and I didn't start enjoying it again until he was like 18 months old.

I had a pretty traumatic birth though.
Holly, I could have written that verbatim. Long, traumatic birth ending in a c/s that took months to recover from. I couldn't get through it at all for some time. The pain during sex was intolerable for months (years, actually). Honestly, DTD was a bit of a chore until DS was (gasp) about 5 or 6 (Likely, CLW played a part in my lack of libido as well--DS weaned at 4 1/4). Thankfully, once the drive returned, DH and I have more than made up for lost ahem, time. Poor DH -- he was a real trooper in those first years!

Best of luck, OP. Nursing, co-sleeping and the like are amazing ways to attach with our children but indeed, they sometimes call in a need for creativity in certain areas of our lives. Good news is, a little creativity can go a long way!

DH and I are actually laughing about the current irony of DS recently choosing to leave the family bedroom for his own space. We've got our room back to ourselves and we hardly know what to do with it! For one thing, we've become accustomed to using all the other rooms of the house and also, when we do choose to use our actual bedroom, it's when DS is dead asleep on his mattress on the floor next to our bed. Now that DS is in his own room, he's actually become a lighter sleeper, and we worry more now than ever that we'll be "caught." LOL

The best,
Em
post #10 of 24
2/9/10 at 4:17am
I feel your pain! We have been trying to do naptime sex, mostly on weekends as we are usually too busy and tired on weeknights.

Unfortunately LO is a catnapper so we are on a strict timer. I nurse her down, stealthily unlatch and then we run to the other room for a quickie. I'd say we make it to the end without interruption about once for every three times we try. Sigh. Frequency is down to once every couple of weeks or so.
post #11 of 24
2/9/10 at 2:38pm
we might have gotten lucky with this one. DS starts off in his crib (which is literally inches away from my side) and then by the time we get to bed, he joins us. so we time it - dtd kinda early, and by the time we are done (and sometimes right in the middle lol) he is up and ready to cuddle
post #12 of 24
2/10/10 at 6:41pm
We're big fans of DTD on the couch. But we, too, have had to stop in the middle and quick comfort a baby and then get back to things. You just do what you have to do! Although I must say, my sex drive SUCKS right now, so I don't have as much motivation to make it work.... but yeah, the couch is usually our spot of choice during the co-sleeping years. 2 months... they're still so young. Eventually you'll be able to sneak away for a while!
post #13 of 24
2/11/10 at 3:38pm
For us, dh has a very "healthy" sex drive and I had a fine birth with dd2, so we had sex at maybe 5 wks pp! My dd was a very unhappy infant - reflux, constipation, etc. So we were also holding her constantly and she wasn't a great sleeper. We are good now at quiet sex though - we would basically just have quick sex in the bed next to dd right after she fell asleep for the night. Tight swaddling helped her sleep for slightly longer stretches. With dd1, I could nurse her to sleep and put the monitor on and slip out to the living room or basement couch for an hr. or 2 even... I also highly recommend lube - YES brand from the UK is natural and awesome!!! It really is just hard to work in intimacy with a young attached baby - but for us we've just kind-of adapted to being quiet and scooting over about a foot away from dd2 when she is in a good sleep. Plus now that she's 2 my parents take the kids out for a couple hrs once a week - yay!
post #14 of 24
2/11/10 at 3:55pm
My dd is over 5 months old and wakes within seconds of me leaving her side in bed. So I don't think we're going to have sex ever again.
post #15 of 24
2/12/10 at 3:23pm
When my LO was around that age I bought a buckwheat pillow and started getting him used to snuggling against that after he fell asleep (I was having problems even getting out of bed to pee!). So, I'd nurse him down, push the little pillow next to him and then DH and I would DTD on the floor. Now that he's bigger we just go to another room to DTD 'cause I'm not as stressed about him waking up!
post #16 of 24
2/12/10 at 10:49pm
We found that when we couldn't get away with sneaking in sex when the baby slept, we could DTD rear entry spooning on the bed while the baby nursed. We were able to do this when the babe was 3 weeks old, but It could easily be done as early as you wanted to. Sometimes putting the baby in a wrap and DTD while standing worked fine, the babe would just stay sleeping in the wrap. My favorite though was sitting slouched down on our recliner with the babe nursing on my lap or sleeping on my chest. Legs go up, husband comes down and rocks the chair while DTD. Works like a charm, as the rocking motion keeps baby sleeping. Good luck!
post #17 of 24
2/13/10 at 5:03pm
Usually we were able to get the babe to sleep. But there were definitely a few times that nursing and sex happened at the same time. Everyone has their own comfort level. We've never had trouble DTD in bed after babe was asleep, though we are considering a cosleeper for when the new babe gets a little bigger. It would be nice to just move the sleeping toddler and have our bed.
Every baby is different too. With #3, we could move him to his little bouncy chair after he fell asleep, and then move him back to bed. With #2, well, our couch got a workout because he was a *very* light sleeper. If you're both patient, you'll find your groove.
post #18 of 24
2/13/10 at 5:23pm
At that age and even older we dtd there in the bed while the kids where sleeping and on occasion I did have to put my hand on them to keep them asleep. At that age they have no idea what is going on so I do not consider it being even close to abusive or wrong. I have also nursed while dtd not in any way optimal and not all that fun for me but oh well. I do not have much feeling in my breasts never have and they are not part of sex for me so it worked. I can understand for some the thought of them not being a big part of sex is unfathomable but or me and many others that isnt the case.

Sex is a very important part of most marriages and finding a way to dtd with a young child can be a real challenge and sometimes you have to do what you have to do.
post #19 of 24
2/13/10 at 10:22pm
Yeah, I think maybe everyone has their own comfort level, although I am not sure I can actually understand how you feel. The baby came from love and sex, and you think about making babies when having sex so I don't really see the issue. The baby is of course not involved directly in the sex acts in any way, and we do not have sex in front of our children who can understand what we are doing. To us, DTD with the baby around just happens, because the baby is around you constantly.

Just a thought--Everytime I look at my children, I feel very loving toward my husband because he gave them to me, and the feeling is even more acute, the newer the babe is. I know he feels the same way, so seeing the product of our love, while we DTD, just makes us feel even more in love, not creepy.
post #20 of 24
2/13/10 at 11:23pm
Just a quick comment that while we may not agree with something that someone else is doing there is no reason to insult or cast suspicion on their character.

We all do what we need to do in those early months and yes all of our comfort levels are different. We can disagree but do so respectfully.