DH says we created this because we're doing AP. (vent...long)

[Beauchamp]

He says we "made" our DD the way she is, i.e. high needs, because we're doing AP. She is clearly healthy. She is doing great growing, height/weight gain, and smiles a lot. But she otherwise is such a drain on me that I feel like I am no longer a person. I am starting to feel like the Family Freak, also, because every. single. choice. I make about parenting is not well received by my family and friends:

- no pacifier
- nursing to sleep
- wearing her down in the Ergo
- not parking her in the swing in front of "a movie" to entertain herself
- delaying solids (she hates food!)
- limiting going out because she hates the car seat
- no CIO
- sidecar crib, co-sleeping
- cloth dipes
- limiting "blinky blinky" noisy, plastic toys (+BPA, etc...)
- letting her nap on me, or while nursing

We went to the mall for a change of scenery and to just walk around. Well, that was depressing. I seriously passed at least 30 babies in Graco travel systems who were just chilling out. My LO was in her Ergo SHRIEKING (albeit, with happiness) But then we couldn't stop to look at *anything* for more than a few seconds or she'd fuss. I found myself just wishing I had an "easy" baby. It started making me feel SO incompetent. WHY is it so hard for me?

The only thing going RIGHT is breastfeeding, and I get flack from family over THAT, because they are pushing solids. The ONE THING I am good at, I get crap for THAT TOO!!!

I'm really bothered that my DH says we "created this." I am the one who reads all the books, does all the research. I feel like I am the "Parent" and he is my "Helper". I am the one who has to research every. possible. thing. related to sleep, how to help her sleep, how to tweak each minute aspect of her environment to try to improve things. I make the decisions. I have to come up with everything to try. He "helped" me on saturday, holding and playing with DD, and by dinnertime he complained he "never gets a break." What does he think I do ALL WEEK LONG? (and ALL NIGHT when she wakes every 20 mins sometimes.)

My body is so sore. My brain is exhausted. My "self" is...gone?

We went to dinner on Friday (at 5pm to beat the crowds) and DD was all over the place. Wouldn't play with her toys. Wanted a ceramic plate. A sharp knife. Wanted to go in her hook-on chair. Then when sitting in it, cried to get out. I ended up pacing in the restaurant while DH ate. And then I was hungry so I stood in the aisle next to him, bouncing and swaying, holding DD on one hip, as she RIPPED my hair out by the roots, and I leaned forward to try to get some food off a fork DH was holding out for me. Another mom actually came up and said she "didn't know my hair was on the menu." I assumed (I hope) that this was supposed to be funny, because DD had cried so much by this time I was just so ticked off.

I just want to be a normal person. I want to be able to take care of my baby. Am I REALLY creating this, or does temperament have ANYTHING to do with it? Why won't she sleep? Why can't I move her when she falls asleep? Why is she totally disinterested in her toys when out of the house? Why does she want to be anywhere other than where she is?

I am jealous of the moms with quiet babies. Babies who stop crying when mama holds them. When she's hungry, tired, etc, she will just CRY and only stop when she gets those things. My holding her doesn't seem to help at all while I am working on getting her in a place to nurse, home to sleep, etc.

I guess this is all so discombobulated and overly long. If you read this far...thank you. I tried to talk to DH and he just doesn't respond. Or he tries to give me a five second "pep talk" to just fix it so I stop talking about this.

I feel like I am trying to fit ten thousand things to say into this post. It's been almost 8 solid months of this and I am breaking.

[prothyraia]

Originally Posted by Beauchamp

Am I REALLY creating this, or does temperament have ANYTHING to do with it? (

I have so been there. It is absolutely temperament. My oldest was exactly like this as an infant (he's three now). It was exhausting in a way that I've never been exhausted before. He ripped out my hair. He gave me *black eyes*. He got incredibly upset if I did anything that indicated I wasn't immediately available to pay attention to him (heaven forfend I pick up a book, much less the phone). I could wear him places, but had to be in constant motion all the time. I felt like I didn't even exist as an actual independent person anymore.

BUt- his younger brother is 19 months old right now. We did all the same things we did with our first- if anything we were *more* responsive because of all the practice. This child is the most mellow, easy going, sleep-through-the-night-since-birth, take anywhere, fall asleep easily, play quietly without my direct attention, smiley, happy, affection, cozy, cuddly baby I have ever come across.

Heck, they were different IN UTERO. My older son was crazy active, kicked me so hard it hurt, kept me up at night rolling around, etc. This baby? No rib-cracking kicks, no marathon rolling around and bounce of the sides of my womb sessions, just a gentle poke and prod here and there. I know darn well my parenting didn't play a role in *that* difference!

[GoestoShow]

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Edited by GoestoShow - 1/6/11 at 8:28am

[biennourri]

All your efforts WILL pay off. DD was exactly the same and I was the odd person out with the baby who needed all the attention. Now that she's 2 1/2 she's calmer than a lot of other kids, eats well (we did child led weaning and try not to engage in power struggles by offering good choices she can choose from). She wouldn't eat any food at 8 months really either. She's affectionate and pretty cooperative for a 2 year old. I would never have believed it at 8 months, that she would become more independent and easier going. The difference between her and her playmates is really noticeable and now the same people are saying they think I was right to be doing what I did all along. Validation feels pretty good. It will get better and better and better. Just you wait. Hang in there, mama.

You won't have to deal with weaning her off of a pacifier or bottle later, so you can cross that off your list!

Sorry you don't have more support. I can't say I did either. It won't last forever!

[marinak1977]

No suggestions, just

[odoole]

i'm sorry -- that's terrible not having any support, especially from your DH. I don't know if this makes you feel better or worse, but I do things very similar to you (except we do use pacifiers) and my DS is by all accounts an "easy" baby. Of course I'd like to credit my parenting style for "creating" DS's sweet personality, but the truth is he was born with it and I can't attribute it to AP jut like you can't attribute your baby's high needs to AP.

This really hit home now that I've recently started going to a parent group and saw how the babies - who were all patrented in a more
Conventional manner - had a huge range of personalities from easy-going to super high needs.

It sounds like your DH needs to spend more time with babies -- and specifically your baby before he'll really understand why you're making the choices you do and how they impact your child. I know how you feel. Even thouh my DH is generally very supportive, I gt extremely irritated when he tells me I'm doing something "wrong". I spend 24 hours a day with DS and he spends maybe 2 waking hours with him per day. I spend hours and hours every day reading about and researching babies and parenthood, and he's done none. So excuse me if I get to claim some authority here!

But please do give yourself a break. if a pacifier or a plastic bouncer or a bottle of juice or whatever else helps soothe you and your DD during some of he more stressful periods like at the restaurant or in the car, please allow you both to have them. Giving in to small thing like that is a far cry from parking her in front of a TV on a swing all day or making he CIO in the crib. This isn't really advice, but more an affirmation that you're doing all the right things in my book but you should feel ok about "cheating" from time to time.

[mumkimum]

I don't think you're 'creating this' for yourself at all. And FWIW, my dh would say the same thing at times (and what else could be more infuriating to a tired out mama with a kiddo who's being difficult ). No great advice for dealing with your dh's comments, other than just point out how unhelpful they are to him and devote yourself to coffee for awhile.

I'm also of the view that it has to do with being out of touch with what babies are supposed to be like (the comment-making by your dh, I mean). DD here is now 3 and I know that handling things the AP ways I did with her have helped with how some things go smoother for us know, have been meaningful to my relationship with her. She's a much richer person for having been parented the way I've done it (some props to dh too).
Babies are different too, so if you have more it won't mean that it'll always be like this (or so I hear. . . soon to know for sure ).

[emmaegbert]

Is there a local AP/Natural parents group? LLL? Meeting some other AP mommas IN PERSON might be a huge relief for you.

Can you side-lie and nurse at naps? Even if you can't get up w/out waking baby (and maybe you can?) that might let you take a nap yourself, or read a magazine, or whatever? Sometimes if I'm really tired I let my baby just stay latched on for like an hour, snuggled up side-by-side, just so I can have a snooze. Or, with my first, when I nursed and rocked him to sleep at night, I would sit in this nice easy chair and watch trashy tv on mute with the subtitles on... it was SO not something I'd ever been into before (or since) but somehow it gave me the mental break I needed to not feel frustrated sitting there for an hour.

Ack, your baby will grow out of all this. You sound like a great momma who is in a place of being exhausted, overwhelmed, and not getting the support you need to stay sane.

Originally Posted by odoole

if a pacifier or a plastic bouncer or a bottle of juice or whatever else helps soothe you and your DD during some of he more stressful periods like at the restaurant or in the car, please allow you both to have them. Giving in to small thing like that is a far cry from parking her in front of a TV on a swing all day or making he CIO in the crib. This isn't really advice, but more an affirmation that you're doing all the right things in my book but you should feel ok about "cheating" from time to time.

I agree with this- think about whats really important to you (for me it was no screen time, no electronic toys, and no commerical marketing to my baby) and DO NOT feel guilty if you use a few things from your not-perfect-but-not-horrible list to get yourself some sanity. My son was not nearly as "high needs" as some of the kids I've met, but he was an intense kid. We did use pacifier (to help him sleep) and a stroller. I also nursed on demand until age 1, and continued nursing until he was 2, and I babywore A TON. and you know what, I think those things were fine. He loved sitting in the stroller taking long walks. The pacifier was a lifesaver in the car, at naptime.

My second is such a different baby. She is calm, laid-back, mellow, friendly, hardly ever cries, plays on her own for hours a day... sleeps 6-8 hour-stretch almost every night from day 3... and I am the same parent! If she was my first, I would certainly attribute it all to my excellent parenting. Since she's my second I know... I am just lucky!

And, FWIW, I know lots of uber-AP type parents (include our DCP who is a Waldorf kindy teacher!) who save the "bad toys" for the car (i/e the baby einstein electronic type stuff), or who call them the "5PM toys". Seriously. You'd be surprised who does that! Lucky for us, we have big bro in the car now- extremely entertaining for the baby to look at and talk to.

[LadyCatherine185]

Mama. I could've written your post last year at this time. Let me say something, in bold-- 6-9 months was THE HARDEST TIME, peaking around 8 months, for us with Liam. I think our DC's are similar personality. My conclusion- Liam didn't like being a baby. Once he started walking (around 9.5 months) things got MUCH better. 10 months was a BIG turning point. He is still draining in a lot of ways, still doesn't really sleep, but he is HAPPY now. He is charming and funny and can entertain himself for times (sometimes up to an hour!) during the day. He has fallen into a predictable sleep schedule, he eats solids. Just wanted to add all of this to say-- it DOES get better! And EASIER!

I don't know that much can make things easier for you right now, but just know in a couple months it will probably get a LOT better. Also, once *SPRING* is here and you can get outside, that will make a big difference. My DS looooves to be outside.

We used to go for a lot of drives when I felt overwhelmed. Is your DD still in an infant carseat? Once we switched over to a convertible Liam starte LIKING to ride in the car. We'd drive for an hour, he'd fall asleep, and I would be calm.

it will get better, you did not make her this way.

[Mamabeakley]

that

My three children are all very different, temperamentally. DS1 - very high needs - totally happy as long as he got what he wanted/needed right away. DS2 - very polite - happy most of the time. DD - so patient I can hardly believe it - happy unless something is really wrong.

None of them, however, would ever have settled for being left in a infant seat anywhere

Your self is not gone. It may feel like it right now, though. I am really grateful that DH & I have always shared childcare/work responsibilities. I know that caring for our kids for 8 hours is WAY harder work than going to "work". And he knows it, too. I hope your DH can see his way to being a real help to you, because you - and your daughter - deserve it.

[Swandira]

I parent the same way and I've had two that didn't freak out over everything and one that did. Actually, the constantly-freaking-out one was the one I followed AP least carefully! (She slept in an Amby hammock rather than our bed, and got formula in addition to breastmilk, wore disposable diapers, and was in the stroller a lot more than the other two.) The amount of crying and degree of inflexibility seems to be mostly inborn temperament, if you ask me. I seriously doubt you'd have a better time if you were doing what most Western parents do.

Your DH probably sees something different about your DD -- she's more inflexible than other babies he's seen -- and something different about her parenting -- you're following AP. He's assuming there has to be a causal connection between the two, but he probably just hasn't seen enough AP babies to see that it's not standard for AP babies to be very clingy and irritable. If he had a bigger sample size, he'd see that it's just her, not the way you've been caring for her.

Nealy
mama to T (12/02), L (2/06), and O (12/08)

[prothyraia]

Originally Posted by LadyCatherine185

My conclusion- Liam didn't like being a baby.

I wanted to second this idea. I feel like my first baby was just so...frustrated...by the huge gap between what he wanted and his ability to get that (either by himself or by communicating his specific need to the person caring for him). The more he could do physically and the more he could communicate, the better things got. He's a happy- albeit still very intense- three year old now.

[philomom]

Honestly, she'd probably be worse with traditional parenting techniques. Also, she'd probably detach from you emotionally because then you'd be ignoring her on a regular basis.

You need one break a week. Hire a sitter if need be.

Your family needs to back off, they had their babies, now its your turn.

Can't help you with the dh..... but by now he should have found his own way with her. She's 8 months, not a newborn.

I could probably help with the daughter but I have to know more. Is there anything that calms her? Is she reassured by sight, sound or smell? What kids of things does she reach for? Can you set her down long enough to get a glass of water?

[Abraisme]

This is really about your baby's personality, not about parenting style.. I do all the same things as you and my baby is easy going. While my bf did all the same things as you and her baby was/is super high needs too. Each kid is different, some need more touch, some need more variable stimulation. Unless you're willing to let her CIO for hours and hours (to break her spirit), there's nothing you can do about your baby's personality. She will grow out of it, she will get independant and she will be healthier and happier because you met her needs. You're doing great, you really are!

[Alisse]

I HATE the idea of "CIO parenting"; makes me so physically sick. So it's been hard at times to deal with all the criticisms around me too about AP-style parenting, but i stick to my guns because i know -- like you and the mama's on this board, having done the research -- that this is the better way for both me and my son. And although my husband supports this parenting-style now, he didn't always. Whenever he use to make comments like "our ds is manipulating you into picking him up" or "crying is good for babies" i'd freak out on him because i was working so so so hard to raise my son the best way. Once i even threw a bunch of things at him for saying such garbage because i was the authority, not him, and i was doing 24hours of exhausting parenting, not him. Argh, remembering how frustrated i would get at him is making me really angry right now! I'm going to go find something to throw at him...back payment!

[Louisep]

Is there anyway you can get your dh to read the Sears' book "Parenting your Fussy Baby and High Needs Child"? Even just a couple of chapters might help him come around. My dh is supportive because he's read some of literature out there.

I know how you feel about losing your self. I am slowly rediscovering mine. DS is much happier now he can walk. Also, a paci helped against my beliefs. High needs babes have intense sucking needs. Can she suck her thumb yet?

Agree with pp - try and find other AP parents. They still won't understand the hn part unless they have a hn child, but will help validate your parenting choices.

[sapphire_chan]

I wish I could say that those babies are only in strollers because they're content to be there, but most of them probably would've been popped in the stroller even if they hated it and were screaming for their mommy.

Tell your dh he's wrong and needs to stop making your life harder by spouting BS.

[tracymom1]

Originally Posted by Beauchamp

I feel like I am the "Parent" and he is my "Helper".

I hate this feeling. Its only since having our 2nd baby that DH has really started to be a co-parent.

Mama, your little one will grow up to be a confident, well-adjusted person because of all the wonderful things you are doing right now. It is so hard to accept the craziness of a high needs baby but I PROMISE you it will get better and YOU ARE doing all the right things.

You NEED a break EVERY day- take a drive for an hour or go get a coffee and read a magazine. I'm not saying you should be gone all day, but a little bit can go a very long way towards making a happier mommy. When DH comes home from work (most days) I get 1 hour to myself. I can choose to stay home with DH and the kids, clean the bathroom, go to the resale shop... whatever I feel like I need to remain sane.

Hang in there!

[Rowansmama]

Originally Posted by Beauchamp

We went to dinner on Friday (at 5pm to beat the crowds) and DD was all over the place. Wouldn't play with her toys. Wanted a ceramic plate. A sharp knife. Wanted to go in her hook-on chair. Then when sitting in it, cried to get out. I ended up pacing in the restaurant while DH ate. And then I was hungry so I stood in the aisle next to him, bouncing and swaying, holding DD on one hip, as she RIPPED my hair out by the roots, and I leaned forward to try to get some food off a fork DH was holding out for me. Another mom actually came up and said she "didn't know my hair was on the menu." I assumed (I hope) that this was supposed to be funny, because DD had cried so much by this time I was just so ticked off. (

Sounds to me like you have...a baby. This is just normal, regular old baby behavior. Mt daughter is now 2 and stuff like this STILL happens sometimes. Don't beat yourself up...you're using the methods you feel are best and chances are the things I've quoted above would happen no matter what philosphy you followed because it's just, well, normal!

Your husband really needs to understand that you didn't "make" your baby this way. Things will improve with time, but for now, I think you should keep doing what you feel is best. Make sure you get some time to yourself too, and tell yourself that it won't always be like this!

[lalemma]

I'm sorry you're having a hard time.

Here are some things that jump out at me:

1) Babies, as far as I can tell, are who they are from the moment they arrive. The people raising them can mold their personality to an extremely limited degree.

2) That said, I kind of disagree with crunchy dogma that babies who are AP'd necessarily turn out better. Again, babies are who they are, and they're resilient: within a certain framework of their needs being met, I don't actually think that letting a baby cry sometimes or never letting your baby cry is actually going to make this humongous difference in who that baby is.

I mention this because I think that sometimes APing parents can get this feeling of failure - why is this happening? I'm doing the stuff that is supposed to make her mellow!

And I guess I think that's a bit of an exaggeration. If gentle parenting feels good, absolutely do it! But doing it because of an expected "reward", I think, can be tough and disappointing.

3) You said:

I feel like I am the "Parent" and he is my "Helper".

I want to say this in a gentle way (and I think almost all of us struggle with this), but I think you are doing both yourself and your husband a disservice with this.

In my opinion, AP (I'm looking at you, Dr. Sears) can kind of tell women that THEY are the most important parent, and the dad is some guy who has to be monitored or he'll have a hilarious diapering mishap, haha. But in my view, this tends to create exactly the situation you're talking about, where both the dad and the mom feel that he's "helping" the mom (or my other favorite, "babysitting" his own kid)... because the parents themselves have set up a system where the mom is the expert and the dad is the person who does things wrong and has to be monitored.

And in turn, I think sometimes dads feel so disenfranchised that they stop buying in to their duties as co-parent.

Everyone's marriage is different, of course. But in my own, I want my husband to be an equal parent, and to share equally in expertise. That often means that I need to let go of my desire to be "the expert".

When our little one was brand-new, I once said "Here! Give him to me!" because he was fussing on his dad's chest a little bit, and basically snatched him away. My husband, who is a much better communicator than I am, looked me straight in the eye and told me that wasn't okay.

And he's totally right.

Can you guys both be brave and have a conversation about what ACTUALLY matters in how you parent your baby (yours might be: "We don't do CIO, we always pick her up if she reaches for us", etc)? Outside of those MUSTS, it's okay for your husband to be a good parent in his own way.

4) What your family thinks about pacifiers or whatever doesn't matter. Can you just stop engaging with them on these topics? I love my MIL, but she's from a different era. Sometimes she suggests that my 3 month old should be able to nap by himself by now. This doesn't actually bother me, because I don't try to convince her that I'm right. I pretty much go "Oh, I'm sure he'll get there!" and change the subject.

Or sometimes, even though she's supportive of BFing, she'll say something about how "when they're old enough to ask for it, they're too old!" - and I just don't feel that getting into an argument about it is in any way helpful: it does not matter what she thinks about the fact that I'm not starting solids at 4 months. And why do I need to convince her that I'm right? She's not breastfeeding my child. It's a pointless argument.

So I don't engage. I go "Uhuh!" and tell her something amusing about my son's latest diaper masterpiece.



5) There's a thread in Parenting right now called something like "When does AP become martyrdom?" that you might find useful. It's okay for you to need some time to yourself, mama! You can't be a great parent if you're exhausted and resentful all the time.