DH says we created this because we're doing AP. (vent...long) - Page 3

[justKate]

Originally Posted by crunchy_mommy

One more thought -- if our babies are like this WITH AP, can you imagine how difficult they'd be with more mainstream parenting?

I have your baby, except she'll be 1 on Valentine's Day. The first 7 months were bad. Months 7-10 were AWFUL. It's slowly gone uphill from there. My best coping mechanism (and it isn't much) is reminding myself that the more mobile she gets, the better her disposition gets. Sometimes, your baby has to scream. When he's full, dry, not scared, not hot/cold, etc., and you need to take a shower or whatever, it is perfectly okay for him to sit on the floor and wait 7 minutes for you to shower while you talk to him. Its okay if he screams and flails.

Dr. Jay Gordon said something about this that really resonated with me--I'm paraphrasing--at a certain point (he says 12-30 mos, but at some point), when Baby's needs are met and his caregiver is present, he is screaming not because he is scared, but because he is ANGRY. Baby is angry because his wants are not being met, and it's okay for baby to experience anger with a loving caregiver. So take a shower! Do what you gotta do to meet your own needs so that you can enjoy fulfilling your baby's wants.

Things i do when at wit's end:
Go to Target (despite carseat screams) and walk (briskly) around with her in the ergo. Have a coffee. Lots for her to look at.
Go to playground and let her "go down the slide" over and over.
Go to Y and let her "swim" (hold her in life preserver in shallow end). This results in a good long nap afterwards.
Put her in high chair and eat Puffs. Yes, they are gross. Yes, they are made by Gerber (or Target). But they give me 10+ minutes of peace.
Stack magazines somewhere for her to pull down and rip up.
Go to mall and let her crawl in baby play area.
Turn on DVR-ed episode of Wonder Pets and sing theme song rediculously loud.

I'm sure there's more, but I need to get back to pretending to work...

You're not alone!

[phrogger]

I haven't read all the responses, but I will tell you, it is her temperment. I provide child care for a little boy who's family is far from AP. Actually almost on the other end of the spectrum and he is exactly as you describe your DD. So it is not AP, I would put money on that, it is just who she is. She might be even more difficult.

However, with that said, I would really try out some other options. I know it isn't what you planned, but I will use my second son for an example. My first was easy and I did kind of an AP type thing. I was young and I had never heard of AP but it was just what I felt was right for my baby. I held him all the time, coslept, nursed on demand etc. It was so easy and came so easily. My second son was not having it at all. He wanted to be put down, he wanted to be left alone, he wanted to be fed and put in a swing. He was so stressful and I just had to work around things and find out what worked for him. The great thing about parenting is we can test things out and find out what works for each individual kid, rather then what any particular parenting philosophy says.

[LadyCatherine185]

Originally Posted by LilacMama

I tell myself that my daughter is opinionated and smart and this is the price we pay early on for what will be great qualities later on!

a BIG

[MissinNYC]

You know, I will partially disagree and say I think it's both. I think temperament is absolutely a huge factor, but we also shape our children with our responses and parenting methods. I surely think that your baby sounds a bit high needs, but I also wonder if you could examine stuff like her routine or if she's getting enough sleep to help life be a little more pleasant both for you and for her. It sounds like you're really worn out and tired, and I think maybe modifying some stuff (without changing your AP commitment) could help you.

Hugs, you sound like a fabulous mama with a good kid!

[hakeber]

Originally Posted by Beauchamp

Bottles w/DH-- A big Nope. She won't do it. We've also tried Nuby trainer/sippy cups. Nope. She's prefers her milk on tap.

Every baby I know does. DD won't take a bottle from dh if I am nearby. Who can blame them? I much prefer draught to bottled myself. I bet if you left the house she'd eventually take them from him. A Baby's instinct to survive will superede her desire for a human nipple delivery system.

Getting DH to read-- I have even only asked him to read parts I have highlighted. Nope. He is too busy.

So what you're saying is he doesn't really care. Have you explained to him how this would be a sort of love language to you? The thing about AP, that I noticed, is that without support and involvement from all co-parents involved, it is just really easy to be undermined.

It's good to know I am not alone. Also that this age is a "phase". I really do believe in AP. I couldn't do it any other way. This is my instinctual way.

I also want to comment on the DH/you need a break/let him have her for an hour issue. When she's fed and rested, he can take her for an hour. But that still leaves 23 other hours for me. I don't think he is going to "check out" on me, because I am not getting on his case all the time. I have given up on communicating these more complex AP issues to him, and I just take my breaks where I can get them. It's more complicated when it's 4:30am and things go wonky. Then he expects me to do it all. He likes to parent when it's easy. Or when I reach a breaking point and nearly lose it, he'll step in and act so calm and almost condescending to me (like, why am I not able to be as calm as he is? ...probably because I have been working my butt off for 18 hours, the last 5 of them being super intense.)

I appreciate the gentle advice. And in the past I have thought that I should back off him, let him find his way, etc. But like Odoole, he just doesn't have the knowledge or the experience and sometimes for DDs sake, I do step in and tell him what to do. Or else, he gets frustrated and asks me. Or if I DO back off, he gets mad at me for NOT stepping in and helping him/taking over. Just yesterday I stayed out of the room and gave him space to calm her when she was fussy and he stormed out and waved at me in a "get the he!! in here" kind of way. ***sigh*** And so, I have tried to be gentle with HIM. And sometimes I truly am. Yet sometimes I want to tell him to suck it up, learn to balance his home life with work life, and crack a frigging Sears book rather than watching a football game.

I know this is just part of parenting. Like a PP said, I am zen sometimes. This is my "SOS" post, I guess. (How many of these are we allowed?)

I think we are allowed as many as we need to get us through.

It's not your fault. Your baby is high needs...it doesn'thelp that mommy is being second guessed, condescended to, and treated like a loon in her own home by Daddy. He makes me mad!!!

IYAM, THAT is what exacerbates a high needs baby's fussiness, not AP, but unsupportive co-parenting.

1) you guys need to clear the air and make a parenting plan that works for you both, or your relationship is going to hit a brick wall and fast.

2) before you do that, your DH needs to be left alone with his child so he can see why you do what you do. Not for one hour, for a day. He needs to see what you go through, and also he needs to figure out what works for him.

When I did this with ds and dh (about 8 weeks, I had to go away on Business actually), we discovered that dh was a superstar at getting ds to breathe deeply and fall asleep...My energy was/is too nervous for him. He can sense it, no matter what I do. Guess who is on bedtime duty, now? We discovered our strengths and weaknesses and teamed up. I gotta say, I really think it is an INTEGRAL part of AP if you have a co-parent living with you.

I doubt very highly he will hurt his child. And as much as it may sting to realize it, you really are NOT the only one who can soothe/entertain/manage your child, you're just the only one who has been doing it...I personally think this is really important for dads to be forced to do ( and for moms to force themelves to do). What if something happened to you? How would he cope? Most people LEARN parenting skills, it's not all instincts and intuition, and most ADULTS (esp males) learn through repetition nd ACTION, not being told, scolded, directed or shown. I had to watch my son topple over a few times before I remembered to put cushions around him while sitting him down somewhere.

And yes, you should tell your dh to suck it up now and then. He's a big boy!

Originally Posted by Beauchamp

p.s. Just had to add DH's "other" comment to me...that the reason I am having "all these emotions" must be because I am getting my period soon.

For this comment alone I seriously suggest you plan an overnight trip. Stock the freezer with milk, leave warming instructions and go to a spa. Let him see how moody he feels after ONE night of no sleep let alone months. I swear to you no child was ever permanently traumatized after one night with her own father (well, not counting abuse victims, obviously, but I assume you don't think your DH would be abusive). Oh and set up a nanny-cam to catch him out if he tries to make it all seem like roses.

You deserve a BREAK lady! No one can do it all alone, and if your own husband can't give you a break...who can?

[ErinYay]

I would also remind your husband that you're not "doing AP," you're PARENTING.

AP as a term is new, the basics of AP? Old as the hills. My nearly 30-year-old husband is German-born, and laughs about "doing AP," because when he was a baby, it was simply the norm to wear your kid, breastfeed, cosleep, take the kids everywhere, not spank, etc.

[oolongtea]

Hugs, mama! I relate VERY much to what you've written here. One note of hope I can maybe pass on, is that reading your post made me realize that DS (9.5 months) has stopped pulling my hair! Something to be grateful for, I suppose!

I hope I can help with a few other ideas I don't see mentioned. I relate to a lot of your challenges because I have a DH who can't help much. In our case it's because he commutes 1.5 hrs away and works late, so he's only here in the mornings, and he has MS so it's hard for him to carry/wear DS around. So it's all me, all me. We have no sitter, no trusted close family, no reprieve. So I get you.

What helps: now that DS eats food, I get to eat too, next to him. I start him off with organic brown rice krispies cereal and that occupies him while I throw together something we can both eat. What also helps: having a "smartfone"! Worth its weight in gold! DS only falls asleep nursing and cannot be moved, so I get these little breaks as he naps on my lap -- to check email and facebook and write this post and plan our afternoon. Helps me keep my sense of self. It helps to meet up with a childless friend! She will take DS for a spin around the cafe while I gobble down a scone and stretch my shoulders. Another idea that can yield 30 minutes of meditative calm is to take LO on your lap/in the ergo on the playground swings. My DS will chill out and ride for a long time. Things are getting better now, but if they hadn't I would have hung a swing inside the house.

[JayJay]

Gosh, so many of the points in your original post struck a chord with me - as well as some of the responses!!!

My MIL fed her babies carnation milk (yes, evaporated milk) and water and suggested I do the same thing to "get something done" - naturally I...ummm...I told her that milk was not recommended for anyone under the age of 1 (when what I really wanted to do was scream"OMG ARE YOU INSANE??" lol ). So neither my DP or any of his siblings ever were breastfed. Neither were his first two children; neither was his nephew - so, that's two generations of his family completely out!

I on the other hand was breastfed, along with my three living siblings (my mother also had my brother Finn, who was stillborn just like Josie). I slept on my mother's chest for a while too. Now, my DP is very supportive of AP, but the thing is, I sometimes think he doesn't know what he's supposed to "do" if he can't feed her. I think the other two children were kind of left to their own devices in baby devices rather a lot, so it's new for him to have this interactive, curious, REAL small person in the house that actually has an opinion about stuff!

So therefore I am attempting to teach him. He tend to kinda hold Bella like "one does" with a baby - you know, the hospital "hello hold" lol - baby in the crook of yer arm - you know. Bella usually prefers being near one's heart, upright. So he's getting used to that - and used to the fact that someone so small might actually have an opinion. I think he used to think crying was "what babies do" and not actually a means of communication - so he's just kind of getting used to the fact that he can pick Bella up and talk to her, and look in her eyes and that she then is interested and stops fussing. I think before, he assumed that either the baby was hungry, or that she simply kinda...felt like crying. Like she was a bit brainless, you know?

Actually though, Bella seems to be one of those very curious babies. I suppose she might be high needs sometimes, sure. Like when she wants to nurse constantly between the hours of nine and midnight or one in the morning...lol. Or when she doesn't want to be put down, but is obviously tired and will take a two hour nap ON someone or laying down with me, but not by herself in a nest, no matter how comfy I make it...ha!

I did think about it though: I was a VERY high needs baby - my gosh - I cried for hours and had a milk allergy and wanted to be carried up and down the stairs constantly...yes, I am surprised I myself wasn't thrown out of the window! So in some ways - though about 100 times less seriously - she had my temperament, I suppose. I am still high needs, I guess, in terms of emotion. I like to talk, devote myself to my family and love, and expect the same in return or I get sad! It's true. But I GIVE as good as I get, that I know.

So I guess I try to always keep in mind that she is as smart as I am, and just learning, feeling insecure, very curious and hungry a lot! She has a tiny tummy, which needs filling frequently or it has hunger pain, which sucks. She has gas sometimes, which hurts, and now she poops, unlike in utero, which can feel weird I expect. Then sitting in poop probably sucks too, until she's changed. She wants to communicate but can't talk, which must be terribly frustrating for her - I'm sure it would be for me! She wants to see everything but can't focus on anything more than 15 inches away from her face, which must be annoying... She wants to be up and around, like we are - able to move freely, but she doesn't know ho to walk yet and being constantly on one's back and covered with blankets is enough to make her mad! Fair enough - all of it...

So I carry her about a lot in the sling, with her head popped out the top so she can see everything. She looks about alertly with her little eyes in her little head on top of a very strong neck already much more capable that it out to be of supporting her little melon!

I have conversations with her about how frustrating is must be to be a baby - long ones, and we talk about all sorts of things, looking into each other's eyes. I think pretending I understand her is very reassuring to her.

Then also, we tend to listen to a lot of different, interesting music. I walk about in time with the music, or rock her in time, or we dance, I sing, etc etc. She likes the blues and Philip Glass, Fleetwood Mac and Billy Joel; Paul Simon...all sorts. It's fun and we like it.

I mean, sure, I'm up at 1.30am sometimes feeding still, but now, it's come to the point where I literally can deeply doze or sleep on my side while she nurses - which has allowed me an extra - gosh sometimes three hours - of sleep a night that I was previously sitting up with her on the fake-boppy (I made my own), swapping from breast to breast. Now, I feed from the left boob during the night only! Then in the morning I swing her over to the other side and feed from my by then rather engorged right booby. I tuck a great big muslin cloth into my bra to absorb right-booby-milk in the night.

So she's attached, but we're working our way around.

Like you, I don't feel compelled to leave her with anyone - I don't know when I will, to be honest... The prospect of leaving her with someone else so I can have fun is...not fun to me! Wearing a sling has taken some practice but, we've got it fairly down-pat now for the most part.

I think the main part of me NOT going insane though, has been sorting the nights out, to be honest. Now that I get enough rest even WITH a suckling babe, days are only half as tiring! Hopefully DP will kinda get the hang of things here pretty soon - if only for his own confidence's sake! We shall see.

But hey, this has been a muse on the fact that I get what you're talking about, sister! XXX

[zenproof]

Originally Posted by lalemma

I'm sorry you're having a hard time.

Here are some things that jump out at me:

1) Babies, as far as I can tell, are who they are from the moment they arrive. The people raising them can mold their personality to an extremely limited degree.

2) That said, I kind of disagree with crunchy dogma that babies who are AP'd necessarily turn out better. Again, babies are who they are, and they're resilient: within a certain framework of their needs being met, I don't actually think that letting a baby cry sometimes or never letting your baby cry is actually going to make this humongous difference in who that baby is.

I mention this because I think that sometimes APing parents can get this feeling of failure - why is this happening? I'm doing the stuff that is supposed to make her mellow!

And I guess I think that's a bit of an exaggeration. If gentle parenting feels good, absolutely do it! But doing it because of an expected "reward", I think, can be tough and disappointing.

3) You said:

I want to say this in a gentle way (and I think almost all of us struggle with this), but I think you are doing both yourself and your husband a disservice with this.

In my opinion, AP (I'm looking at you, Dr. Sears) can kind of tell women that THEY are the most important parent, and the dad is some guy who has to be monitored or he'll have a hilarious diapering mishap, haha. But in my view, this tends to create exactly the situation you're talking about, where both the dad and the mom feel that he's "helping" the mom (or my other favorite, "babysitting" his own kid)... because the parents themselves have set up a system where the mom is the expert and the dad is the person who does things wrong and has to be monitored.

And in turn, I think sometimes dads feel so disenfranchised that they stop buying in to their duties as co-parent.

Everyone's marriage is different, of course. But in my own, I want my husband to be an equal parent, and to share equally in expertise. That often means that I need to let go of my desire to be "the expert".

When our little one was brand-new, I once said "Here! Give him to me!" because he was fussing on his dad's chest a little bit, and basically snatched him away. My husband, who is a much better communicator than I am, looked me straight in the eye and told me that wasn't okay.

And he's totally right.

Can you guys both be brave and have a conversation about what ACTUALLY matters in how you parent your baby (yours might be: "We don't do CIO, we always pick her up if she reaches for us", etc)? Outside of those MUSTS, it's okay for your husband to be a good parent in his own way.

4) What your family thinks about pacifiers or whatever doesn't matter. Can you just stop engaging with them on these topics? I love my MIL, but she's from a different era. Sometimes she suggests that my 3 month old should be able to nap by himself by now. This doesn't actually bother me, because I don't try to convince her that I'm right. I pretty much go "Oh, I'm sure he'll get there!" and change the subject.

Or sometimes, even though she's supportive of BFing, she'll say something about how "when they're old enough to ask for it, they're too old!" - and I just don't feel that getting into an argument about it is in any way helpful: it does not matter what she thinks about the fact that I'm not starting solids at 4 months. And why do I need to convince her that I'm right? She's not breastfeeding my child. It's a pointless argument.

So I don't engage. I go "Uhuh!" and tell her something amusing about my son's latest diaper masterpiece.



5) There's a thread in Parenting right now called something like "When does AP become martyrdom?" that you might find useful. It's okay for you to need some time to yourself, mama! You can't be a great parent if you're exhausted and resentful all the time.

what she said

[savithny]

I agree that maybe DH needs more hands-on time. But you have to let him be the parent. Give him the basics, make sure he agrees on the big stuff like no CIO... .and then let him do it his way. If you treat him like he's only your assistant and has to do everything exactly your way - he will *act* like he is only the assistant and not be willing or able to take charge of things, or feel confident in what he's doing.