When to step in on your childs behalf, with friends

[Sage_SS]

My 10 year old has a friend, they've been good friends for about 3 years.

When she's here with our family she is awesome. Respectful, easy going, polite, and she plays well with all of our kids, not just my oldest.
BUT
When my daughter goes to her house there is often another girl there. Said friends other friend. Said friend does not want this other friend and my daughter to be friends so she manipulates the situation to exclude my daughter (ie whispering in front of my daughter, then giggling and refusing to share with my daughter), she lies about my daughter and calls her awful names behind her back and says she doesn't even like her, that she could never like such a loser. Then calls the next day to ask if she can play.

Her parents are good friends of ours. I know that her parents expect more from their kids than this kind of behaviour. I have tried many, many times to explain to my daughter to expect more from her friends than this. To expect the same respect that she gives. She then regrets talking to me about it and says I just don't understand what their friendship is about.

I know all this because this other friend c/p's her conversations with said friend to my daughter. With the note that "She should know what friend really thinks about her" But my daughter and this other girl have now become friends. They think they've "beat the odds"

At what point do I become involved in this? Do I tell my friend what her daughter is doing? This situation has sort of come up before and my friend asks that we let her know how her daughter acts when she's not around, if the behaviour is unacceptable. I just don't know what to do. I don't want to cause problems with my daughter and her friends, but I hate just sitting here while a so-called "friend" treats her this way.

Help!

[peaceful_mama]

I don't have kids this age yet, but I've been a friend in a situation like that.

I say while it's hard to sit back and watch, you've got to let your daughter make her own decision. And she WILL, eventually. She WILL see how this girl really is.

I'm still friends with my best friend from childhood, and we had our fights when we were kids. We had our days when we totally ignored and left each other out cause we were "best friends' with somebody else.

It would last a day or two and then we were friends again.

I just talked to her *yesterday* about a situation cause she's the one person I could trust to fully understand where I was coming from and give me perspective...without telling me anything about how I "should" be, or that I "shouldn't put up with that" or anything.

I've had other friends where I eventually figured out something like this situation and just decided it wasn't worth it.

I think she'll figure it out and ditch this two-timer...but it *has* to come from *her.*

In fact, my parents *tried* to tell me things like this about friends I had, and it just made me if anything, *more* drawn to the friendship just to "prove" that they were wrong about the person. (eventually I would figure it out...)

good luck.......I know, I can imagine it would be *hard* to watch.

Oh and since you are friends with the other mom and she asked you to let you know about behavior, I would tell her. As a mom, I would want to know.

[cowboyjunki]

My DS is only 5.5 yo, but I'm having a similar problem with his friend. They play great and are best buds when it's just the two of them, but when a third boy comes into the picture, his friend excludes him. It is heartbreaking to me!

For my 5.5 yo, I say step in and say something, but I'm not sure what I would do if he was 10. Hopefully you will get some more responses - I'll be watching!

And hang in there.....I'm glad that your daughter has become close with the other friend at least.