What's the UP way to deal with separation anxiety for 2 yo?

[LCBMAX]

We have some necessary separations, all of which he ultimately loves (2 ams at preschool, outings with daddy, my therapy appt) but the heartbreaking sobs as he grabs my shirt on his way out the door are really rough.

We're trying to keep the departures crisp - bag is packed, car is running, he's dressed to go. I also try to give him some serious mama time/ nursing in the last half hour before he leaves (but not in the last 5 - 10 minutes.) I tell him in advance that he's going to do this thing he loves, and he takes it in, but instead of excitement which was his response a month ago, he starts looking worried. I do one more reminder about something fun in the event that I know he can look forward to, and one more reminder about when I'll pick him up, or how I'll be here when he gets back. Then I drop the subject til daddy brings him to me for a quick goodbye kiss.

None of this seems to be helping the actual leave-taking. He does stop crying within minutes of getting in the car, and enjoys his activities away from me, but I'm not seeing the pattern change back to the joyful departures we had last month.

Tell me how to do this! I feel so much like I am betraying him when he's sobbing, but I go ahead with the plans because I do believe it's a stage and that he needs to have the experience of consistency with me to develop his trust and confidence. I just don't know if we're doing this the right way. We've spent his entire life til now stopping and addressing this kind of grief, not pushing through it, but stopping these activities feels wrong, and slowing down the separation seems to worsen the pain for us all.

Please advise! Thanks!

[snarky]

Two things:
1. Is the long routine towards getting him to the door causing anxiety (esp. the extended nursing time)? It could be that you are making out the separation to be bigger than it needs to be. Maybe cut back on the routine running up to the separation.
2. Can you put the separation into the context of the entire day, so he understands it is time limited? So tell him, every Monday we eat breakfast, go separate, come back, eat lunch, go to the library? Once it is in the context of a routine he may learn to be more cooperative, since he knows he will return and life will continue apace.

[LCBMAX]

Originally Posted by snarky

Two things:
1. Is the long routine towards getting him to the door causing anxiety (esp. the extended nursing time)? It could be that you are making out the separation to be bigger than it needs to be. Maybe cut back on the routine running up to the separation.
2. Can you put the separation into the context of the entire day, so he understands it is time limited? So tell him, every Monday we eat breakfast, go separate, come back, eat lunch, go to the library? Once it is in the context of a routine he may learn to be more cooperative, since he knows he will return and life will continue apace.

Thanks, snarky!
#1 I will take this to heart and experiment. It's hard to switch from doing lots of help with transitions to downplaying them, so perhaps I could just kind of accidentally get him ready to go, in such a way that he doesn't even notice that putting on shoes is part of departure. The nursing could also happen more separate from the departure and we can make the departure itself happen lickety split.

#2 is pretty much how we do it already. That feels right.

I'm still confused about how to stay true to our overall parenting style of respectfully communicating and helping prepare him for transitions while not making his separation anxiety worse. We've just never EVER "done things to him" without preparation and cooperative approaches - except maybe forcing some fever reducer when he's too sick to do otherwise. Toddlers are different from babies!

[sgmom]

Originally Posted by LCBMAX

1. We're trying to keep the departures crisp - bag is packed, car is running, he's dressed to go. I also try to give him some serious mama time/ nursing in the last half hour before he leaves (but not in the last 5 - 10 minutes.) I tell him in advance that he's going to do this thing he loves, and he takes it in, but instead of excitement which was his response a month ago, he starts looking worried. I do one more reminder about something fun in the event that I know he can look forward to, and one more reminder about when I'll pick him up, or how I'll be here when he gets back. Then I drop the subject til daddy brings him to me for a quick goodbye kiss.

...

2. I feel so much like I am betraying him when he's sobbing, but I go ahead with the plans because I do believe it's a stage and that he needs to have the experience of consistency with me to develop his trust and confidence. I just don't know if we're doing this the right way. We've spent his entire life til now stopping and addressing this kind of grief, not pushing through it, but stopping these activities feels wrong, and slowing down the separation seems to worsen the pain for us all.

Two things come to mind.

1. Keeping a routine to let him know that you will soon be leaving, then making the departure quick could aid in his insecurities (because he's anticipating it, then suddenly you just go). I wouldn't do anything to let him know that you're leaving until you're ready to go. Then when you are ready to go, give it an extra few minutes and explain to him (maybe while you're getting changed) that you have to leave soon, and maybe even ask him if he wants to help you get ready. Spending a few minutes of time with him, without building any anticipation, could help make him feel more secure about your departure. Making a big deal about your arrival when you come back home as well, should be avoided. Give your loves and kisses and ask him how his night was is great (to show him that even though you weren't at home, you were still thinking about him and you care about what he did while you were gone), but coming home with big giant open arms shouting "Hi, little man!! Mama missed you so much!" can definitely make it harder for him when you leave.

2. I agree with this. It's a good thing to help our children build trust and confidence, but it can be pretty easy to create a backwards reaction if we ourselves are feeling emotional about the situation. If you feel guilty about the whole process, the chances of your son picking up on that are pretty good. And that's not going to help him any to feel secure, if you're not feeling secure yourself.

What I'm trying to say is that if it feels wrong, then it probably is. My advice is to go with your heart on this one. If you feel as though you need to stop and address his grief, then that's probably what you need to do. Just remember to do it with security and confidence, and not with guilt.

I agree with snarky. Kids pick up on our emotions, even if we're trying to hide them. If you make a big deal out of leaving (or even trying NOT to make a big deal out of it), kids will pick up on that and wonder what's wrong, even if the leaving is routine (as it is in the case of your preschool).

Hope this helps!

[Shami]

I was wondering how is your facial expression and your tone of voice when you are preparing him for the separation? Sometimes mine doesn't match. I try to be upbeat and say, oh how much fun you will have with Daddy. But, if I don't have a happy face to match, she knows that I am apprehensive about it.

Something I am planning to make, soon, I hope, is a daily calender with pictures. My dd is 27 months, BTW. I'm going to take pictures of our activities every day and mount them onto a Sunday- Saturday calendar. Not doing the months yet. Just a big poster board going horizontally with the days of the week. Hoping to find a magnet of sorts to attach it. She can move the magnet every day to see what's going to happen today.

I am just doing one event per day rather than multiple things just because she mainly wants to know when she can go to gymnastics, or go to So-n So's house, or the grocery store.
Maybe a visual picture of him having fun at Montessori will cause him to want to go?
Hope you find the answer or he grows out of it SOON! No fun, I know. Pulls at my heart, too. I just keep thinking it is a stage and she will see that mama always returns when she says she will return. I hope this is building a deeper trust. On the other hand, you could cut back for a month and see if he grows up a bit and can handle it in a month. I don't know how realistic that is because sometimes mamas have to go somewhere that the child can't go to. And, you can't cancel Montessori for a month.

[heartmama]

Personally, I was never able to stick with an approach that felt distressing in the way you describe. Unless there was an emergency, I would keep trying other tactics until I found one that felt right for both of us. I could not have handed ds off to someone, even dh, if he was crying and clinging to me--even if I knew he would be happy later, it just was not something I could do. I did not want him to learn any of the things that lesson might imply. I am not saying it is wrong if you must do it, I am just saying I never could.

We had this same dilemma at the same age, and the solution was that we arranged our departure at a neutral space. Rather than me leaving the house, we all went someone else (like the park or store) and then ds/dh left from there. For whatever reason ds did not cry in that situation; perhaps since he was already out of the house the emotional impact of 'leaving' was lessened.

I think at this point the strategy of 'talking it up' is not working. Another idea might be to have you leave the house FIRST (just go for a walk) and have dh take ds out while you are gone. Perhaps if you are not there ds won't think to cry or get upset.

Anyway, just keep experimenting--you will probably find the solution since your ds is otherwise okay with separations once he is apart.

[Traceround]

Something that I ask the parents of my pre-k kids to do is to have them tell their kids, "I will be back. Mamas (or Daddies as the case may be) always come back." in a clear neutral tone of voice. When you return you would tell them, "See? I told you I would be back. Mamas always come back." with lots of love and snuggles.

My pre-k kids are all special needs though but I have seen it be helpful in non special needs kids as well.

[Shami]

Originally Posted by Traceround

Something that I ask the parents of my pre-k kids to do is to have them tell their kids, "I will be back. Mamas (or Daddies as the case may be) always come back." in a clear neutral tone of voice. When you return you would tell them, "See? I told you I would be back. Mamas always come back." with lots of love and snuggles.

My pre-k kids are all special needs though but I have seen it be helpful in non special needs kids as well.

Yes! I do this and it has helped a lot. Now, she usually says OK bye have a good time!

[Traceround]

The trick with that is to be sure and use a clear neutral tone of voice. If there is any anxiety or tension in your voice, your child will pick up on it and wonder if there really is something to fear about you going away.

Like, "if Mommy is so worried...maybe I should be worried too."

[One_Girl]

Do you have fun kid songs for the car that he can listen to when he goes with his dad? A special treat to eat in the car may also create something for him to look forward to. I also think that you should look ready to go and leave the house a few minutes before he goes. If he thinks that you are staying home all day having fun in the house he is going to be resistant to leaving. Making it seem like you are all leaving, even if you return home after a they go, may help him accept that he is going off to have fun.

[ssh]

My DD is 4. I don't really have many things I just have to go to, so we just don't do separations if my DD becomes upset. If I walk out of the door and she starts to cry I come back. I'm still able to usually leave her with my DH if I want, but the times it doesn't work we just change our plans. Parents can stay with their children at our co-op preschool, so I have stayed for part of the time a couple of days. Also she's woken up a couple of times upset that she didn't remember kissing daddy goodbye and there wasn't much we could do about it but meet him for lunch.

[AmyKT]

I don't have much advice but I just want to say I've been there and have (apparently) come out the other side. I WOH, so I don't have any choice but to leave DD every day. DH is a SAHD, so she's fine and loved and has a grand time once I'm gone, but for about a YEAR (!) it was like you describe as I was leaving. It bothered me a lot at first, but I got immune to it once I saw how quickly she adapted. I mean, it still bothered me, but I didn't worry about her mental health. Then, just like turning off a light switch, it stopped about a week ago. Now she gives me a hug and says "bye, mommy!" Wow, I hope it lasts.