My boy is different and it was painfully obvious to me tonight. // UPDATE w/ video #32

[HarperRose]

I know he is. I've known that he was different from day 1. But sometimes he does something (or, in this case, doesn't do something) that makes it much more obvious than usual. (Asperger's Syndrome, for those who may not know.)

Today it made me cry.

We were at Rehearsal for a Talent show put on by some friends for fun. BIG emphasis on FUN. Do you have a gift/talent? Good for you. Do you not? Who cares?! Join in anyway! Don't want to? Don't worry about it. The point is to have FUN in whatever way you need to.

The kids are all singing along w/ The Candyman, from the Willy Wonka movie (the old one w/ Gene Wilder). The lead guy (dressed as Wonka) sings and dances and the kids repeat after him when he says a specific lyric. (They learn all of 3 lines.)

During the first practice, Max was struggling with his lyrics. I told him not to worry, just dance and have fun.

During the 2nd practice I told him again, to just dance; copy his sister. He couldn't do it. I motioned to him to dance, wave his arms, etc. He just couldn't do it.

I snapped pics all throughout. Here's the best one. He's the one in the blue jacket. (The boy in the red was just nervous. He warmed up quickly.) You can see his sister (pink pants beside him) just FLYING around and really getting into it! (And my 2 yr old in front -- he's fascinated with a friend's Nemo plug on her croc. lol)

He wasn't moving. He was CLEARLY out of his element, outside his comfort zone, but he was UP THERE and TRYING. I was so proud of him for trying and putting himself out there. But he was struggling so much.

I started crying. I said to my mom, "My kid is different."

He struggles so hard to be like the rest of them, to have friends, to fit in. I SEE this. I have photographic evidence.

I just cried and cried for my boy, the struggles I see him go through.

I went to the restroom and dried my eyes then came out and got on that stage and danced with him. We had fun, I shook him a lot because he wasn't dancing. We were silly about it.

During the 3rd practice, I danced with him. I hugged him and told him I love him and I'm so proud of him. He said to me, "Are you gonna cry, mom?" Yes, honey. Another hug & kiss and practice was over.

It was so hard to put on my "game face" and smile while inside I was dying. Just seeing him fight so hard to figure it out and navigate it all.

I just had to tell ppl who understand.

[vocalise]

It's so hard, mama. I know those moments well.

[KatWrangler]

I know.

[tiffani]

the title of your post caught my eye, as I also have a son who is definitely different!!

I just wanted to let you know that that particular situation would be hard on lots of kids, for lots of different reasons. I know you're not really talking about one particular situation, you're anticipating life in general being harder for him, and I can totally relate. My son is 8 now (not exactly sure what box to put him in, so for now we've left him out of any ) and getting better all the time, but we still have crazy times here and there -- he recently had to stop going to gymnastics because they were doing a "showcase" and he was just beside himself with worry and anxiety about so many things about the class -- I just said "let's try again next term" and he was ok with that. It's so hard when they can't manage things they are otherwise having a lot of fun with, that's the hardest thing for me to see -- he WANTS to participate, but some element will throw him off and he just can't, or it will be too anxiety-inducing, or whatever. I try to focus on his strengths in those moments.

[Kuba'sMama]

My son is also "different"; SPD, shyness, etc. He does quite well with things he enjoys though and has lots of friends. He also hates to dance. He won't do it. And for the record, neither do I! I'm too shy, awkward, uncoordinated, inhibited, etc. to do it.
I understand that this is more like the "big picture" kind of thing. I worry about my sensitive boy too sometimes (ok, a lot, lol). But also there is a range of "normal". And even within "normal" there are kids who enjoy and not enjoy certain things. I for one never felt any anguish over my hate of dance.

[Lilypie32]

<sigh> I know how you feel.

[Belia]

Your post brought tears to my eyes.

I'm so sorry, mama. How brave your boy must be to get up on that stage. And how lucky he is to have you for his mama.

[confustication]

I completely understand. Though, in our case- we actually got some compliments on my daughter's 'creative' movements. Who knew handflapping because she was out of her element could be construed as helpful?

These moments happen often enough that I don't always feel the sting these days- for the most part, I'm only bothered when SHE is bothered.

Hang in there, he's lucky to have a mom who cares so much.

[Zan&Zav]

im so right there with you. just a couple days ago it smacked me in the face. its hard.

[Lollybrat]

I understand.

My DS is an only child, so I often forget just how different he is until I see him with a group of typically developing kids. Then it can be like a slap in the face.

[HarperRose]

So glad to have you guys who get it.

I went to bed feeling depressed that this is just the way his life is going to be. He will struggle with things forever. He may improve with some things, sure, and he is "better off" than others, perhaps, but for HIM, in HIS reality, it's not easy.

I've decided I'll dance w/ him. I guide him through his whole life, all his interactions, why not this, too? Yk? I'll do anything to make his life easier, bottom line.

[SpottedFoxx]

Wow, I could have written this over the summer.

My son doesn't have a definitive diagnosis as of yet but that could be him in that situation.

What my son's teachers have done has found where his strengths lie and focus on that. They did a show for the parents to "Here Comes The Sun". The kids danced in a routine and sang. My son would have just stood there or (more likely) wandered off. He loves the guitar. Give him a guitar and he'll strum it happily until you ask him to stop. She gave him a guitar and he walked around the stage, strumming his guitar. I cried. He participated.

Maybe instead of having him do the same thing the other children are doing, you can use his strengths to create a "special" part just for him?

[LynnS6]

It's hard to see when it's so obvious, isn't it? I had that realization when I was watching ds try out something on Wii Fit -- his dyspraxia really hit home. He could not follow along with the moves.

The glass-is-half-full version of this is: he's up there trying. I know that my quirky kid (who doesn't have Asperger's) wouldn't be there. Yes,your son will always struggle with some things, but it sounds like your son has some other great qualities that will help him. He's willing to try. And he's got a family that will dance with him for as long as he needs.

[kme]

I have so been there - that sad feeling knowing your child is working harder than anyone else just to BE THERE but clearly cannot keep up. It is so hard. (((((hugs)))))

[sbgrace]

That was my son in a program this summer and I cried too. It's so hard.

[HarperRose]

Originally Posted by SpottedFoxx

Wow, I could have written this over the summer.

My son doesn't have a definitive diagnosis as of yet but that could be him in that situation.

What my son's teachers have done has found where his strengths lie and focus on that. They did a show for the parents to "Here Comes The Sun". The kids danced in a routine and sang. My son would have just stood there or (more likely) wandered off. He loves the guitar. Give him a guitar and he'll strum it happily until you ask him to stop. She gave him a guitar and he walked around the stage, strumming his guitar. I cried. He participated.

Maybe instead of having him do the same thing the other children are doing, you can use his strengths to create a "special" part just for him?

That is so awesome and still heartbreaking. yk? That's where I am w/ Max about this performance.

Originally Posted by LynnS6

It's hard to see when it's so obvious, isn't it?

YES.

Originally Posted by LynnS6

The glass-is-half-full version of this is: he's up there trying. I know that my quirky kid (who doesn't have Asperger's) wouldn't be there. Yes,your son will always struggle with some things, but it sounds like your son has some other great qualities that will help him. He's willing to try. And he's got a family that will dance with him for as long as he needs.

Definitely. He's ok putting himself out there. But beyond that, he just can't do it with the smooth grace or lack of inhibition that most other kids can do.

Originally Posted by kme

I have so been there - that sad feeling knowing your child is working harder than anyone else just to BE THERE but clearly cannot keep up. It is so hard. (((((hugs)))))

Originally Posted by sbgrace

That was my son in a program this summer and I cried too. It's so hard.

Thank you, all. I am still sad and distressed about it, but I know we'll get through. We always do, right? All of us.

[Chicky2]

Originally Posted by Belia

Your post brought tears to my eyes.

I'm so sorry, mama. How brave your boy must be to get up on that stage. And how lucky he is to have you for his mama.

This.

Originally Posted by kme

I have so been there - that sad feeling knowing your child is working harder than anyone else just to BE THERE but clearly cannot keep up. It is so hard. (((((hugs)))))

And This.

I so wish I'd known about Asperger's when my oldest dd was MUCH younger, although people (professionals) are assuring us that we probably wouldn't have gotten a correct diagnosis until she was older. It would have made it easier on all of us, for sure.

[Kailey's mom]

Originally Posted by Lollybrat

I understand.

My DS is an only child, so I often forget just how different he is until I see him with a group of typically developing kids. Then it can be like a slap in the face.

to everyone!

[Kailey's mom]

OP: I just want to send you hugs, this is so bittersweet, and I'm sure it took A LOT of courage for your ds to get up on stage. He really had to work hard, and wow, how awesome is it that he got up on that stage. It makes me want to cry too.

[momtoS]

Yup I understand.

I was at a playcenter and there was a playgroup and the children were all on the autism scale. In the other room there was just children playing.

My daughter was being herself.

And a mom (one with a child on the spectrum) came up to me and commented on my dd's behaviour and said there was a support group in town and offered her email.

I had to walk away.

Tears were welling up in my eyes.

I wasn't part of the group with the children on the spectrum.......but she came up to me.....